Sometimes I feel like I'm too fat and ugly to leave the house and let anyone see me
augustremulous
Posts: 378 Member
I'm 234 pounds. 65 pounds heavier than I was when I first realized I had a serious weight problem. There have been times when I've lost 20 or pounds, but the weight slowly crept up again. Now I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
I know this attitude is extremely unhealthy and I just have to force myself through it. I know people aren't judging me as much as I judge myself (well, some people do). But most aren't.
It's so emotionally exhausting - so much of being successful and productive at work is being cheerful and confident, and it's easier to manage teams when you have a relaxed authority about you. But on days I don't feel this way, I have to fake it. And it's hard.
Like many women like me, on days like this I call my mom and dad, lol. And it helps - even if we don't talk about how I feel, just having someone who approves of me in general no matter what helps.
But the feeling is still there. And it's affecting the way I interact with people. I live on a fourth floor walk up, and despite the fact that I climb those stairs several times everyday, the steps are getting harder. I've started taking the back stairway so I don't run the risk of a neighbor seeing me huff and puff up the stairs. When I come back from walking my dog, I dip each of his paws in a bucket of soap water before we come in the house so he doesn't track mud in. I've started actually bringing him inside the foyer before doing this, because I don't want people to see how awkward and groaning I am when I bend over him or get down on the ground to wash his paws, and how I have to use momentum to get back up. There are thousands of tiny little instances like this per day.
I'm single, and have stopped even trying to date as of last summer, because I don't think I could bear a rejection in the state I'm in. I've even stopped talking to men I like who seem interested in me. I'm letting friendships fall by the wayside because I don't want to reconnect with friends who've always been supportive and approving of me and allow them to see when I've become - both physically and professionally. I don't request informational interviews with people whose careers seem interesting to me because I doubt my ability to make a good first impression as I used to. There are actually lots of professional and social events I skip because just as I'm getting ready to go, I feel so ugly that I don't feel motivated to attend. In fact, looking professional and put together takes about 10x more work and money, because it's harder to find nice clothes that fit well at this weight.
Just venting. I was seeing a therapist last year and mentioned how I think I might be depressed and have a low self esteem, and she laughed and pointed out - "but you like yourself so much." Which is true, I think - I do like myself a lot. But my appearance doesn't really represent the sort of person I am, and knowing that when I interact with people makes life harder in a lot of ways.
I know others must have had feelings like this. I'd love if folks could share their own experiences and maybe even tell me how they dealt with it.
I know this attitude is extremely unhealthy and I just have to force myself through it. I know people aren't judging me as much as I judge myself (well, some people do). But most aren't.
It's so emotionally exhausting - so much of being successful and productive at work is being cheerful and confident, and it's easier to manage teams when you have a relaxed authority about you. But on days I don't feel this way, I have to fake it. And it's hard.
Like many women like me, on days like this I call my mom and dad, lol. And it helps - even if we don't talk about how I feel, just having someone who approves of me in general no matter what helps.
But the feeling is still there. And it's affecting the way I interact with people. I live on a fourth floor walk up, and despite the fact that I climb those stairs several times everyday, the steps are getting harder. I've started taking the back stairway so I don't run the risk of a neighbor seeing me huff and puff up the stairs. When I come back from walking my dog, I dip each of his paws in a bucket of soap water before we come in the house so he doesn't track mud in. I've started actually bringing him inside the foyer before doing this, because I don't want people to see how awkward and groaning I am when I bend over him or get down on the ground to wash his paws, and how I have to use momentum to get back up. There are thousands of tiny little instances like this per day.
I'm single, and have stopped even trying to date as of last summer, because I don't think I could bear a rejection in the state I'm in. I've even stopped talking to men I like who seem interested in me. I'm letting friendships fall by the wayside because I don't want to reconnect with friends who've always been supportive and approving of me and allow them to see when I've become - both physically and professionally. I don't request informational interviews with people whose careers seem interesting to me because I doubt my ability to make a good first impression as I used to. There are actually lots of professional and social events I skip because just as I'm getting ready to go, I feel so ugly that I don't feel motivated to attend. In fact, looking professional and put together takes about 10x more work and money, because it's harder to find nice clothes that fit well at this weight.
Just venting. I was seeing a therapist last year and mentioned how I think I might be depressed and have a low self esteem, and she laughed and pointed out - "but you like yourself so much." Which is true, I think - I do like myself a lot. But my appearance doesn't really represent the sort of person I am, and knowing that when I interact with people makes life harder in a lot of ways.
I know others must have had feelings like this. I'd love if folks could share their own experiences and maybe even tell me how they dealt with it.
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Replies
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I think we all have times like these regardless of our weight and physical appearance. Im 5'11 and about 160 lbs and i feel unattractive and feel like people are staring at me and judging me but they aren't. We are our own worse enemies. We amplify the tiniest of flaws and forget the qualities that make us who we are. I've been learning to embrace my flaws and every morning i look in the mirror and repeat...i am beautiful and i am doing this for me.
Its very hard to not see all the amazing qualities we each possess. Society has engraved a skinny is beautiful, skinny is healthy, skinny is what everybody is attracted to image in our heads. We see this and it defeats us little by little. We also have unrealistic goals as a society because we live in the i want it fast i want it now age. This is not possible.
I dont think you love yourself like you say you do. It seems that you may try but something always gets in your head and crushes it. Its like beng in an abusive relationship...you beat yourself down till you are so crushed you don't want to leave the house or have relationships.
I dont know if this helped any but don't give up and dont be ashamed. You are the one who is shaming yourself nobody else. I think if more people saw (that despite how you feel about your size) you walking or getting out there would motivate more people who feel the same as you do. Remember one flap of a butterflys wing has the power to start a tsunami. One action by you can change so many others.0 -
Thanks
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Your welcome
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I can't tell you how many times I have felt that way over my life-- beginning in high school when I weighed in at 210. . . liking myself SOMETIMES, but then having those feelings tumble head-first into a pitched battle over my self worth with crushing feelings of self-loathing.
And I know what it feels like to have that very battle send me to the fridge or the pantry or through the drive-thru in a desperate attempt to "eat my feelings" and just make the pain go away.
I wish i had a magic bullet for you and could say some words that would make that pain go away, but I never found them myself. I did finally learn to find other ways to deal with my insecurities and self-loathing than to run to the fridge.
And you're probably right: you're very likely your own worst critic, and you are judging yourself much more harshly than those around you are.
I hope it helps to just know you're not alone!0 -
OP, last summer I weighed 324 pounds (maybe more?) and even today I still weigh more than you do. At 5'10" I currently weigh 250--74 pounds down!
Now, I'm guessing that you are a nice person and you would never tell me that I am too fat and ugly to leave the house and let anyone see me, right? You might say, yes, you need to lose some weight and get healthy, but you are a lovely person! You can do it!
My point is, try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a stranger. I know this is sometimes very hard--believe me, I know! I'm smart and successful in many areas, but my out-of-control weight was the area of my life I concentrated on and constantly beat myself up about. It is a very hard mental shift to make (at least it has been for me), but it can be done. Start small and keep going. You can do it!1 -
I agree with the pp. I feel like we all feel this way sometimes whether we are on a weightloss journey or not but we have to remind ourselves of our beauty and strength to continue. The reminder of what we once were and where we are and where we want to be is a continuum even when our weightloss goals are conquered. Send a friend invite if you are interested in sharing encouragement. I am very active and supportI've to my mfp and fitbit friends. BTW you are beautiful GL! 0
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It's sad that you feel that way about yourself. I'm sure that the people that know you, like you for who you are and not for how you look. Tell yourself everyday that your smart and beautiful until you feel you actually believe it. Speak positive affirmations to yourself everyday as well. Seek out another therapist to help you deal with your insecurities. Hope you feel better soon.0
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You are beautiful! I love your profile pic. We all struggle with negative feelings sometimes regardless of our size and shape. Great advice given by the other posters already. Keep this thread handy and read the responses regularly.
Also, shift your focus from the negative to the positive: during the times that you'd drop 20 pounds or so, what WORKED? What didn't work? Start implementing the small things that worked and they will become habits.
In your OP you list the things you can't do or struggle with. Make it a positive list of things you want to do:
I'm going to be able to climb up and down the main stairs with no trouble in no time!
I'm going to be able to clean my doggies paws and bounce right back up just like he does.
I'm going to be that confident professional person I KNOW I am on the inside.
I'm not going to miss out on a social event simply due to the size and shape of my body.
The key is to learn to love yourself NOW. Change comes from within. Find a different therapist if you can. The prior one sounds dismissive of you. It takes a couple tries to find one that you mesh with.
I wish you the best of luck! You seem like a great person.0 -
I have to agree with everyone who said find a different therapist. You need someone supportive who won't dismiss your concerns.
I think we've all been where you are (or at least had days like that). I know it's hard, but you ARE worth it. Keep coming back here for affirmation -- there's a great sense of community on these boards 0 -
I could swear I wrote this post.
On a sunny day, I feel I don't deserve a place on the crowded walking trail (even though I'm the only person who still shows up on the rainy, snowy, windy, cold days), and you can forget about ever being worthy of a gym. All of which makes this journey toward health even more challenging than it already is.
So a whole, whole lot of my workouts happen with makeshift equipment inside the four walls of my home where no one can confirm that I don't belong there. Because right now, I just can't bear to hear anyone else's opinion other than my own.
Above, someone said you should speak to yourself as kindly as you would speak to a stranger. One of the most life-changing things I ever heard was similar: if you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you shouldn't say it to yourself.... because after all, you should be your own best friend.
That really, really helped me. I adore the ground my best friend walks on, and I'd tear the limbs off anyone who spoke of him the way I speak of myself. I have always prided myself on being his biggest fan and cheerleader, and I'm never happier than when I'm wholeheartedly supporting him... so it's pretty inspiring and life-changing for me to try to play those parts in my own life.
I don't have any answers for you obviously, but I very much appreciate the courage it took you to voice something I never have.
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Your post intrigues me because I can relate to some of it (faking your way through your days and how tiring it can be- oh yeah!), but mostly what I come away with is what a smart, self-aware person you are with a lot going for you. Like a PP mentioned, I don't have any answers for you. Maybe another therapist could be helpful, but basically it seems like you have become very unhappy with the way things are in your life, and that may just mean that you are ready for change. And something I have noticed, and other friends on my list as well, is that when we started addressing our health & weight in a serious way, it started changing the way we handled other things in our lives as well, to our benefit. I think you may actually be in an exciting position right now- poised for action! 0
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Thank you all so much I really needed to hear (read) this 0
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You sound depressed and anxious. Maybe a trip to your gp to discuss these feelings and a new therapist will help you.0
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Make a plan for your self.
Use MFP to keep track of your calories, then cut it in half.
Use a HRM to keep track of the calories burned.
Use face book/any fitness groups to get idea for working out at a local park/ or in the house/appartment.
Be successful!!!!!0 -
Your profile picture is really pretty!
I've absolutely felt the same way, I think most people do. I've also had times where I thought I was ugly and not good enough but I still liked myself so I think I might understand what you mean there. It was as if I could separate liking my personality and the part that makes me "me" from not liking how I wasn't pretty/smart/funny/etc. enough. You're taking a great step forward just by being on this website and I hope getting healthy gives you the confidence and happiness you're looking for. It probably won't happen right away but having more energy and seeing success on the scale/how your clothes fit/feeling better going up the stairs can give you a confidence boost sooner than you'd expect. Weight loss aside, you absolutely deserve to have confidence just the way you are so, no matter how you find it, I hope you find what makes you happy.0 -
Find a new therapist. No one should ever dismiss your concerns. In fact, they should lead you on a discovery of where these concerns stem from in order to move forward.
Find a good tailor for your work clothes. You'd be surprised how much more put together one looks when everything fits just right. It makes me feel more confident as well!
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Find a psychiatrist. You might benefit from a specific diagnosis and temporary medication.0
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Find a new therapist/psychiatrist, keep as active as possible, log your food and most importantly, don't give up because you are worth it!0
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Something I'm doing to help combat those self-deprecating thoughts is to try to look at them differently. Would I be okay with my best friend talking about herself like that? Hell no. Would I be okay with someone else talking about my best friend like that? I would be LIVID and probably try to kick someone's butt. I know for a fact she would answer those same questions about me with the same answers. So why do I let myself get away with talking like that about me? It's been a long journey, but it's getting a little better every single day. I hope that whether you find a new therapist or not, that you can see that you deserve love, respect and support, especially from yourself. Like @positivepowers said, YOU ARE WORTH IT!0
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augustremulous wrote: »I'm 234 pounds. 65 pounds heavier than I was when I first realized I had a serious weight problem. There have been times when I've lost 20 or pounds, but the weight slowly crept up again. Now I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
I know this attitude is extremely unhealthy and I just have to force myself through it. I know people aren't judging me as much as I judge myself (well, some people do). But most aren't.
It's so emotionally exhausting - so much of being successful and productive at work is being cheerful and confident, and it's easier to manage teams when you have a relaxed authority about you. But on days I don't feel this way, I have to fake it. And it's hard.
Like many women like me, on days like this I call my mom and dad, lol. And it helps - even if we don't talk about how I feel, just having someone who approves of me in general no matter what helps.
But the feeling is still there. And it's affecting the way I interact with people. I live on a fourth floor walk up, and despite the fact that I climb those stairs several times everyday, the steps are getting harder. I've started taking the back stairway so I don't run the risk of a neighbor seeing me huff and puff up the stairs. When I come back from walking my dog, I dip each of his paws in a bucket of soap water before we come in the house so he doesn't track mud in. I've started actually bringing him inside the foyer before doing this, because I don't want people to see how awkward and groaning I am when I bend over him or get down on the ground to wash his paws, and how I have to use momentum to get back up. There are thousands of tiny little instances like this per day.
I'm single, and have stopped even trying to date as of last summer, because I don't think I could bear a rejection in the state I'm in. I've even stopped talking to men I like who seem interested in me. I'm letting friendships fall by the wayside because I don't want to reconnect with friends who've always been supportive and approving of me and allow them to see when I've become - both physically and professionally. I don't request informational interviews with people whose careers seem interesting to me because I doubt my ability to make a good first impression as I used to. There are actually lots of professional and social events I skip because just as I'm getting ready to go, I feel so ugly that I don't feel motivated to attend. In fact, looking professional and put together takes about 10x more work and money, because it's harder to find nice clothes that fit well at this weight.
Just venting. I was seeing a therapist last year and mentioned how I think I might be depressed and have a low self esteem, and she laughed and pointed out - "but you like yourself so much." Which is true, I think - I do like myself a lot. But my appearance doesn't really represent the sort of person I am, and knowing that when I interact with people makes life harder in a lot of ways.
I know others must have had feelings like this. I'd love if folks could share their own experiences and maybe even tell me how they dealt with it.
Wow I'm not a medical personnel but I would definitely say get another counselor maybe one referred through your regular MD.I've been obese more years than I like to count, I don't love the fat but I love myself and what my body can do for me. You can dress nice from many stores, although I agree some plus size lines go out of their way to make horrid clothes for bigger ladies. And please don't cut your social contacts even if you don't want to date now. Not being social isn't good for anyone, ad humans we're designed to socialize. Please take care.0 -
Something I'm doing to help combat those self-deprecating thoughts is to try to look at them differently. Would I be okay with my best friend talking about herself like that? Hell no. Would I be okay with someone else talking about my best friend like that? I would be LIVID and probably try to kick someone's butt.
I agree with this. It's something I say when people post things like, "I went to McDonald's (or ate too much ice cream or whatever) and went over my calories for the day. I feel so ashamed".
Would you tell a friend, "You're right. That's terrible. You should be ashamed". No way!
OP, you are an attractive and articulate woman. I wish you the best!
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Been there but look around. Plenty of overweight or obese people. And you know what? Nobody cares.
But use it. It seems to me that you're really fed up with being big, so use it as motivation. Take baby steps to lose the weight. You don't have to crash diet or starve yourself. Heck I started at 213 pounds and never went over the 'lose 1 pound a week' setting... You can do it!0 -
Massive HUG. You are not alone in this. Many people feel as you do, have similar struggles, but it's how you get through them that's the important thing. It sounds like your fed up, good, use it. If things seem too big to tackle, start by making small changes until those big things aren't big anymore. Find a good therapist, one that's willing to actually hear what you're saying and not just listening - and then passing judgement. Thank you for opening up about your struggles to a very public audience, that was very brave.0
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I re-read your post and I just wanted to say that my heaviest weight was 235. Sometimes you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired to make changes in your life. Set up some small goals for yourself. Lose 5 lbs, get a haircut. Lose 10 lbs, treat yourself to a mani and pedi etc. As you slowly lose more, then treat yourself to a new blouse or skirt. You'll begin to get even more excited about your weight loss journey as you go down a dress size. Hold your head up and know that you have "friends" on here that can all relate to what your feeling and going through.0
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I often feel like this. In fact today during Zumba (where I always have a blast and feel great) I looked at myself in the mirror and instead of seeing a happy girl, working out, I saw how gigantic my arms are and how my stomach rolls when I move. I had to rechannel that or all of my hard work would be derailed. The thing is that everybody has something. For some people their weight makes them self conscious for others it is their smile or teeth or lack of nice, trendy clothes or social awkwardness or any number of things. Please don't think that anyone is judging you as most everyone is just judging themselves. One thing that I have noticed is that by putting myself out there, and going to classes at the gym, going on interviews, talking with parents in my kids' classes, joining classes at church, etc. has made me feel better and continue to want to be healthy. So please don't shut yourself out from social interaction. Everything that your parents love about you is just waiting to be loved and appreciated by others. Trust me, investing in those social relationships will really help with refining yourself. Lots of hugs to you.0
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Keep this post somewhere. Let it be your "before" story. The good news is you are young and have so much of life left to enjoy and this will just be part of your story someday.
This is my favorite success story on MFP. It inspired me to start and it continues to inspire me to keep going. Maybe it will inspire you, too.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1454303/2-years-of-maintenance-130-pounds-lost/p1
Best of luck. You can do it and you really deserve it!
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Keep this post somewhere. Let it be your "before" story. The good news is you are young and have so much of life left to enjoy and this will just be part of your story someday.
This is my favorite success story on MFP. It inspired me to start and it continues to inspire me to keep going. Maybe it will inspire you, too.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1454303/2-years-of-maintenance-130-pounds-lost/p1
Best of luck. You can do it and you really deserve it!
That is a great piece, thanks for sharing it!0 -
Keep this post somewhere. Let it be your "before" story. The good news is you are young and have so much of life left to enjoy and this will just be part of your story someday.
This is my favorite success story on MFP. It inspired me to start and it continues to inspire me to keep going. Maybe it will inspire you, too.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1454303/2-years-of-maintenance-130-pounds-lost/p1
Best of luck. You can do it and you really deserve it!
That is a great piece, thanks for sharing it!
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Lordy, so many amazing encouraging responses. This was really touching. Thank you everyone!
I'm feeling so much more positive now. Even before I stepped on the scale this morning, I felt incredibly optimistic because I just felt so much healthier.
I have made several attempts at losing weight, and succeeded for a short time, and have slowly allowed the pounds to creep up. Oddly, I found this thread from two years ago, when i was a lot more optimistic.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1354194/funny-how-being-overweight-for-awhile-makes-you-confident#latest
Thinking back to that place in my life, it made me realize that I'm really internalizing things that have nothing to do with my weight. When I made the thread in 2014 about how confident I felt, things were looking up for me professionally and personally. And I felt good about life in general. Right now, I'm looking at a string of professional failures and setbacks - some bullying at work, a promotion I wanted but didn't get, some family stress. And it's affected the ways I see myself physically.0 -
you are beautiful
i am smaller than my profile pic (finally) and am roughly the same size as you but carry it differently. i often look a my belly flab and breasts and ..sigh.
but you know what, neither of us are too fat to leave the house. decent people (and that's almost all people) care a lot more about who you are than what you weigh. no matter what i weigh i have always had people who love me, and for the most part i've loved myself because i'm a decent human being and honest to a fault.
i also have disabling depression. there ARE times i can't leave the house, and if that's what you're feeling, please get a referral immediately. it could be you're stressed out and having a lot of bad days, or yu could be genuinely depressed and need some help navigating through it. it is never a bad idea to get yourself assessed for any and all factors that can interfere with your clear thinking and seeing yourself so poorly doesn't sound like clear thinking.
i'm always here if you need a friend.0
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