When your spouse doesn't share your fitness enthusiasm...
Amybethjohnson
Posts: 23
I have been active for many years. I started running in my 30s and still love it. I have struggled with weight as I've gotten older, and was up to 157 last winter, but am down to 142.2 today !
I got married in April '10. I love my husband dearly, but he is overweight and smokes and doesn't seem to want to change. He doesn't eat right and doesn't exercise. I do not nag him about it, but have tried to encourage him to exercise and eat healthy, and have tried to show by example.
He complains every day about how tired he is and how he never gets enough sleep. He thinks his tiredness is because of lack of sleep. I think it's because he doesn't eat breakfast (if he does it's just a pop tart) and eats a ton of food late in the day. Last night I made spaghetti (with whole wheat pasta). He had one helping of spaghetti, another plate of spaghetti sauce over wheat bread, 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.. and an hour later, a bowl of cereal and a banana. All this was after 7pm. Yikes !
This morning I offered to cook him breakfast. He said he wasn't hungry, so I said breakfast is the most important meal... blah blah blah. and his reply was " I can't change the way my body feels.. I haven't been hungry in the morning since I was 15"
Well, of course I know that you can change that.. it's a choice we make to change our habits and lead a more healthy lifestyle.
I want to encourage him to change without nagging. I am so worried about his health. If he doesn't change, he will continue to be tired and lethargic... and his health will deteriorate.
If anyone has suggestions on how to encourage your spouse to begin the change that will improve their health, I'm open to trying anything. He is not one to make "deals" ... i.e. rewards for making healthy choices.. he just doesn't like change-- he gets in a routine (or what I'd call a rut) and stays there.
Amy
I got married in April '10. I love my husband dearly, but he is overweight and smokes and doesn't seem to want to change. He doesn't eat right and doesn't exercise. I do not nag him about it, but have tried to encourage him to exercise and eat healthy, and have tried to show by example.
He complains every day about how tired he is and how he never gets enough sleep. He thinks his tiredness is because of lack of sleep. I think it's because he doesn't eat breakfast (if he does it's just a pop tart) and eats a ton of food late in the day. Last night I made spaghetti (with whole wheat pasta). He had one helping of spaghetti, another plate of spaghetti sauce over wheat bread, 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.. and an hour later, a bowl of cereal and a banana. All this was after 7pm. Yikes !
This morning I offered to cook him breakfast. He said he wasn't hungry, so I said breakfast is the most important meal... blah blah blah. and his reply was " I can't change the way my body feels.. I haven't been hungry in the morning since I was 15"
Well, of course I know that you can change that.. it's a choice we make to change our habits and lead a more healthy lifestyle.
I want to encourage him to change without nagging. I am so worried about his health. If he doesn't change, he will continue to be tired and lethargic... and his health will deteriorate.
If anyone has suggestions on how to encourage your spouse to begin the change that will improve their health, I'm open to trying anything. He is not one to make "deals" ... i.e. rewards for making healthy choices.. he just doesn't like change-- he gets in a routine (or what I'd call a rut) and stays there.
Amy
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Replies
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My situation was similar although it was both of us that had no enthusiasm for working out. Finally I said "I don't like the way that I feel and I want to change that but I can't do it without you" and that seemed to work. Now he's down 13 pounds, has gone from 3-4 drinks a night to just 1 and has replaced the late night binging with 100cal snack bags if he really wants a good nosh.
Not sure how that would help your situation, maybe explaining that you love him and want to live a long life together and would like him to be happier and healthier?0 -
I have had to drag my hubby along kicking and screaming for the last two years. He is finally cooperating with me. I set him up a myfitnesspal account this last week and he is doing well following the plan. He is finally off sodas. That was a battle I won. We are finally working as a team to get healthier.0
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Did you tell him about the "challenge" I made with my husband? What did he say to that?0
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When your spouse doesn't share your fitness enthusiasm... time for a new spouse? Kidding , I kid, I kid...
Seriously though, can you find an activity that is fun and competitive that you can do together? Speaking as a man... I know we are sometimes pig headed and stubborn, but we also tend to be comptitive.
Tell us that we can't do something... and I know personally, I'll try extra hard to prove the opposite.
Make it fun... and there might be something there?
I don't know you, to say what you guys would enjoy, but find something you would both enjoy and play it up!0 -
That was a flat out NO, Bethany !0
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I don't have any answers for you. I am in the same situation. My husband says that he wants to be on this journey with me and he will give a half *kitten* attempt at it and then quit. Or if we go out to eat somewhere he is unable to make a smart decision, he has the mindset that he is eating out and will order what he wishes regardless of the implications. I recenty signed up for a trial 7 day pass at a gym and he did as well on Saturday, but he didn't want to go and actually try out the gym until Monday after he pigged out for the weekend. I am getting a gym membership but I feel that getting him one as well will be a waste of money! We did this before, I got a gym membership and then I won a membership and gave it to him. And he used it all of 8-10 times in a whole year! What a waste! I try to cook healthy, use fat free cheese, etc. and all he does is complain!
Any advice on how to motivate would be greatly appreciated!0 -
The key is to find what makes them "tick". What are they most interested in? What do they want most? Then try to find a way to work that in to the plan. Is it music, books, sex, etc.?0
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That was a flat out NO, Bethany !
Bummer! I suppose it's because you are still newlyweds.
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My moved in together about 7months ago and we've been together since we were 15. I knew that he didn't eat healthy, but when we were in high school he was always active in sports and whatnot, so he could eat anything and stay thin and fit. Well, after high school, he gained a bit of weight, and wasn't changing the way he was eating. I was starting to worry about his health, because I didn't want him to wake up one day, unhappy and 50 lbs heavier and have to deal with it, so I tracked his calories for a day and showed him. He wasn't surprised until I said how much he SHOULD be eating and how much weight he would gain if he kept eating the way he was eating. He started to work out with me a few times a week and started to watch what he ate more, and now he loves when we exercise together and he feels better than he has in a long time. He hates going to the gym and doing workout videos, so instead we go on bike rides, rollerblade, or play tennis together.0
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When your spouse doesn't share your fitness enthusiasm... time for a new spouse? Kidding , I kid, I kid...
Seriously though, can you find an activity that is fun and competitive that you can do together? Speaking as a man... I know we are sometimes pig headed and stubborn, but we also tend to be comptitive.
Tell us that we can't do something... and I know personally, I'll try extra hard to prove the opposite.
Make it fun... and there might be something there?
I don't know you, to say what you guys would enjoy, but find something you would both enjoy and play it up!
He has never been an active person. He does have a bike and keeps talking about riding it. He did a few times last year, but just around the block ( which is 1/2 mile) and once he took his son around the park reserve (6 miles).
I hear " I can't" out of his mouth a lot. But I know it's a choice.. maybe I'll ask to go for a ride with him.. not today though, its raining again !0 -
That was a flat out NO, Bethany !
Bummer! I suppose it's because you are still newlyweds.
nope, that's not it.. he is just too tired all the time, and one part of his body or another is hurting <sigh> I just can't win. Love him so much and just want him to be healthy and not tired all the time .0 -
Have the kids asked him? If the concern for his health comes from the kids, how does he react?0
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Your post was very familiar to me, because I think I was that guy. I spent 20 years in the Military and had to get up and exercise every day just to maintain my weight, because I love food. When I retired from the Navy in 2006, exercise became a taboo word to me, and I never ate breakfast, and my weight ballooned. I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life and it is killing me. I would tell you husband exactly how you feel. For me, I would want the truth, like they say "the truth hurts" but he needs it. I smoked for most of my adult life but quit about 10 years ago, best decision ever. Now, it's back to exercising, come hell or high water next summer I won't be embarrased to take my shirt off at the pool. Great luck in your journey, hope you can get him to see his future, because if he doesn't change the way he is, he may regret it very soon.0
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Sounds like my hubby. The only exception is I know he's tired from working. He works 16 hour days a lot and is currently on a 6 day work week. He will walk with me occasionally but that's it. He says he worked out enough when he was playing baseball. He will eat healthy dinner but then eats tons of ice cream and eats junk for lunch.
I've talked him into it once and he lost 30 pounds in 2 months. Then he just stopped.0 -
I will share what worked for me, for others in this thread who don't know...
My husband was the same way. He was pushing 60+ pounds of extra weight and it was only getting worse. He used to be in great shape when we met 21 years ago. He plays in a band on the weekends and ate junk after the gig on his long drive home. I was also out of shape and carrying extra weight after the birth of our 2 children. I was also just as lazy and ate a lot of quickie meals.
When I made up my mind to get healthy, he just watched. As I started to feel better, he was very supportive but still didn't do anything for his own health. I made "deals" with him that I would change something he didn't like about me if he could lose 20 pounds. Didn't work. So I thought harder and really tried to find something that would get his attention.
After 21 years of being together and 2 children, intimacy only came when we both had the energy at the end of the day. Of course, being a man, it was never frequent enough for him. So how could I work that in to him losing weight? I came up with a challenge that not only got him moving, but he dropped 30 pounds in the first 5 months!
The challenge was what I call the "pound for pound challenge". LOL! For every pound he lost, he could trade it in for sex. He can use that credit at any time and I could not be tired, have a headache, etc. He could cash it whenever he wanted. So far, it has got him moving and halfway to his goal. I'm happy because he's losing weight. He's happy because he's getting more sex. I'm happy because he's happy!
When he started stalling on losing weight at the end of May, I upped the challenge. For every pound he lost in June... I would DOUBLE his credits! He's a workout machine lately!!!
The point above is to find out what makes your mate "tick". What do they want? Then try to find a way to motivate them to get them what they want. Worked for me!0 -
bump
I'll need to come up with a new challenge once he reaches his goal weight so I'm anxious to read what others are doing to motivate their spouses!0 -
I have this problem, too. About 10 years ago, we did WW together and were both at our best weight in years. Then when we hit maintenance mode, we both stopped, slowly, following the program. Now we're both heavier than we were when we started WW.
In November, I started working out. In January, I started working with a dietitian.
He is still on the couch.
There is a gym at his work, and they gave all the employees a free membership this year. I keep telling him he should just go and try it out. He keeps saying he will, but he never does.
He is very proud of the results I have seen so far. (And he absolutely adores what lunges have done for my butt!) He just hasn't taken that step for me.
I'm working to get him to at least go walking with me on my off nights from working out. It's a start, right?
He also decided to buy himself a new Xbox 360 with Kinect. I'm going to try to challenge him in the workout games or something, I think.0 -
bump (^_^)0
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My moved in together about 7months ago and we've been together since we were 15. I knew that he didn't eat healthy, but when we were in high school he was always active in sports and whatnot, so he could eat anything and stay thin and fit. Well, after high school, he gained a bit of weight, and wasn't changing the way he was eating. I was starting to worry about his health, because I didn't want him to wake up one day, unhappy and 50 lbs heavier and have to deal with it, so I tracked his calories for a day and showed him. He wasn't surprised until I said how much he SHOULD be eating and how much weight he would gain if he kept eating the way he was eating. He started to work out with me a few times a week and started to watch what he ate more, and now he loves when we exercise together and he feels better than he has in a long time. He hates going to the gym and doing workout videos, so instead we go on bike rides, rollerblade, or play tennis together.
I also tracked my husbands daily intake and showed him. It was his sodium levels that got him going when I pulled up information about heath problems it will can cause. Now he comes home from work every day telling me what he ate for the day so I can track it and he is watching his portions. He also started doing p90x with me everyday. He has been at it for about 3 weeks now and is down 13lbs as of this morning. Good luck!0 -
I'm interested to hear what others say, but I have to tell you, I have given up on trying to motivate my husband into eating better. It feels really codependent to me to try to push him into changing. But I'm not letting him hold me back either. I'm on track with my diet and fitness and have now decided to try a vegetarian diet for a while, and he is an adult and can make his own decisions. The consequences have already begun - we took separate vacations this year because he can't keep up with the active vacations I crave. I took one son kayaking and camping for 9 days, and he took the other son to the beach and ate his way through every fatty restaurant he could find. I've been very frank with him about the situation, that I won't slow down to accomodate him because of his choices. I don't know where this situation will lead us in this marriage, but if you're thinking it doesn't sound good... I agree.0
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My hubby is the same way. Every morning he says how tired he still is yet he sleeps more then I do. He smokes and doesn't eat right and it makes me crazy lol. He has lost a bunch of weight from when we first got together (orginally well over 300, now about 250 and 6' tall). But he has done it the "wrong way" - just doesn't eat. He has a pretty physical job so that keeps him somewhat active but I know his nutrition sucks unless I cook and hand him everything he eats. But then he will still go to the gas station and get crap food and energy drinks. Sorry - went off on my own little tangent there lol!!0
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Have the kids asked him? If the concern for his health comes from the kids, how does he react?
Bjorn is at that age where they talk in school about the dangers of smoking.. he has asked his dad more than once, when he is planning to quit. Bjorn needs to get out more too. He just sits in his room all day playing video games . <sigh> I wish I could wave a magic wand and motivate everyone !0 -
Have the kids asked him? If the concern for his health comes from the kids, how does he react?
Bjorn is at that age where they talk in school about the dangers of smoking.. he has asked his dad more than once, when he is planning to quit. Bjorn needs to get out more too. He just sits in his room all day playing video games . <sigh> I wish I could wave a magic wand and motivate everyone !
Have you guilted him in to setting a good example for Bjorn? If your husband doesn't change his ways... Bjorn will grow up with health risks too? I know it's not good to coerce someone in to doing something they don't want to do. And guilt is not really the way to go. But in this case, it would seem that he would want to do something to show his son how to be healthy instead of sit indoors all day long.0 -
On one hand, it's nice to see I'm not alone. On the other... Ugh.
I pulled a hamstring last week and have been told not to walk any more than is absolutely necessary. So I had to explain to my four-year-old that I can't go out with him when he wants to ride his scooter or kick the soccer ball with him or play tennis with him. He'll have to ask Daddy.
And my husband just stared at me like I was volunteering him to join the Marines.
I'm at the lowest weight I've seen in a REALLY long time. He's at his highest weight ever. Our son prefers hanging out with me because I actively engage him in activities. We go out for runs (well, he rides his scooter or tricycle and I run beside him), we garden, we play ball. Sometimes, we'll sit down and read together when he needs a break.
My husband sits on the couch and watches TV or plays video games with him.
He saw one of his best friends from high school a few weeks ago and commented that his friend lost a lot of weight and looked amazing. He even commented aloud to him that he "needs to get off [his] butt and start doing something". And when he made the statement, I was encouraging and made all kinds of suggestions, but to no avail. Instead, he eats 2 gallons of ice cream and 2 or 3 bags of potato chips a week. He polishes off 2-liters of soda in a day or two, and there's nothing I can do or say to get him to change it.
He complains that he's tired all the time, too. He doesn't eat breakfast. He goes to bed at midnight or later (usually up playing video games) and complains at 6am when I wake him to get up. He has no desire to exercise, even after I got him a Kinect for his XBox for his birthday. Meanwhile, I'm anxious and itching start moving again and am looking for yoga videos that I can do while I wait for my muscles to heal.
It's not a good sign when he won't even make the necessary changes for his son, let alone himself.
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I will share what worked for me, for others in this thread who don't know...
My husband was the same way. He was pushing 60+ pounds of extra weight and it was only getting worse. He used to be in great shape when we met 21 years ago. He plays in a band on the weekends and ate junk after the gig on his long drive home. I was also out of shape and carrying extra weight after the birth of our 2 children. I was also just as lazy and ate a lot of quickie meals.
When I made up my mind to get healthy, he just watched. As I started to feel better, he was very supportive but still didn't do anything for his own health. I made "deals" with him that I would change something he didn't like about me if he could lose 20 pounds. Didn't work. So I thought harder and really tried to find something that would get his attention.
After 21 years of being together and 2 children, intimacy only came when we both had the energy at the end of the day. Of course, being a man, it was never frequent enough for him. So how could I work that in to him losing weight? I came up with a challenge that not only got him moving, but he dropped 30 pounds in the first 5 months!
The challenge was what I call the "pound for pound challenge". LOL! For every pound he lost, he could trade it in for sex. He can use that credit at any time and I could not be tired, have a headache, etc. He could cash it whenever he wanted. So far, it has got him moving and halfway to his goal. I'm happy because he's losing weight. He's happy because he's getting more sex. I'm happy because he's happy!
When he started stalling on losing weight at the end of May, I upped the challenge. For every pound he lost in June... I would DOUBLE his credits! He's a workout machine lately!!!
The point above is to find out what makes your mate "tick". What do they want? Then try to find a way to motivate them to get them what they want. Worked for me!
I love this! I may have to try this with my husband to get him to quit smoking!0 -
My husband sits on the couch and watches TV or plays video games with him.
He saw one of his best friends from high school a few weeks ago and commented that his friend lost a lot of weight and looked amazing. He even commented aloud to him that he "needs to get off [his] butt and start doing something". And when he made the statement, I was encouraging and made all kinds of suggestions, but to no avail. Instead, he eats 2 gallons of ice cream and 2 or 3 bags of potato chips a week. He polishes off 2-liters of soda in a day or two, and there's nothing I can do or say to get him to change it.
He complains that he's tired all the time, too. He doesn't eat breakfast. He goes to bed at midnight or later (usually up playing video games) and complains at 6am when I wake him to get up. He has no desire to exercise, even after I got him a Kinect for his XBox for his birthday. Meanwhile, I'm anxious and itching start moving again and am looking for yoga videos that I can do while I wait for my muscles to heal.
It's not a good sign when he won't even make the necessary changes for his son, let alone himself.
I have the talk all written up in my head. We missed out on 23 years together (we first met in 1987 and found each other again 1 1/2 years ago).. I want him to be around for a long long time .
He did eat an apple a few minutes ago, and pointed out to me that he was eating it -- :"see, I am eating an apple. "0 -
leave him to it.
Its not fair to make him eat breakfast anymore than it would be fair for him to try and make you eat supper if you werent hungry then. Hes probably still full from the night before. My partner eats more in the evening, and less in the morning too. Hes always done it and its none of my business
I think you cant make someone take an interest in fitness. You can lead by example, but if he feels pressured into it, then hes doing it for the wrong reasons anyway and would probably give up quickly0 -
I'm in the same boat, but I've decided to leave it be...I really wish he would quit smoking though!0
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keep strong and focused on your goals0
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my husband is the same way. we will have lasagna and while im making the dinner if i have noodles left he will eat them with butter or by them selves and then he eats a over abundance of the supper and will later be Hungary.. it is very frustrating to diet by ur self,, i have gained 10 pds this year after losing 30 the year b4,,,0
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