Back after 6 months of hell... Needing friends/support

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EquestrianLark135
EquestrianLark135 Posts: 98 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hello everyone,

I've come and gone a few times. I'm not proud of that. I dropped this about 6 months ago and things gradually got very bad.

My negative body image got extreme. I started doing fad diets and roller coaster dieting. In between diets, I would binge like crazy because I restricted way too much. And so, binge eating disorder was diagnosed.

Before really getting help (telling my therapist) , I got desperate. I wanted to lose weight fast. I had "thinspo" of very unhealthy anorexic girls because I wanted to be that. I wanted to see my bones. I joined pro ana websites and forums to learn the tips and tricks. I ate less than 500 calories per day and exercised daily burning off most, if not all of it. I was literally dropping at least one pound per day and I loved it. I became obsessed with daily weigh ins. The weight loss was becoming noticeable. I fasted a few times. But... Inevitably... I hit a day where I decided to let myself "cheat"... And oh did I. I binged all day. Sweets, fast food, junk food, soda, all of it. Of course, my body freaked out and I got very sick followed by extreme depression, self harm, and really just wanting to kill myself for eating like that.

I was never able to get back on the ana train which is obviously a good thing but it was messing with my emotions big time. The weight came back fast and I spiraled. I was self harming almost daily and was near suicide many times per week... Purely over my negative body image and self hatred. I managed to avoid hospitalization multiple times by lying about being OK.

Finally, I was put into an intensive outpatient eating disorder program. I was there for about 4 months meeting up 6 days/week. I hated it but, in the end, it helped. It changed my perspective on things.

I won't lie. I still hate my body. I still negative self talk daily. But my goals are different... Healthier. And I know how to go about this in a healthy way with my dietitian. I am also seeing two therapists (one for anxiety/depression, one for eating disorder), and I am on a few medications.

I am doing this for myself, my health, and my happiness. I would really appreciate the support and friends along the way. <3

Thank you for reading and wish me luck!

Replies

  • EquestrianLark135
    EquestrianLark135 Posts: 98 Member
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    Anyone? :(
  • tam8me
    tam8me Posts: 7 Member
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    Wow sounds like you have really gone through it tuff, I feel for you I really do but you need to learn to love yourself before anything is gonna get better, you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself things that you have done that are good, that might be as little as having a early night and sleeping well, or you like how your hair looks today or what ever and that in turn will make you feel good and then you will want to be healthy and fit. Please don't do that to yourself your worth so much more and I hope you learn to love yourself for who you are and stay healthy. All the best


  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    Is your therapist aware you have an account on a calorie counting site? Does he/she believe it is safe for you to be here?
    Good luck.
  • Karen_DisneyFan
    Karen_DisneyFan Posts: 130 Member
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    I'm so sorry you've been through all that! Keep seeing your therapists so they can help guide you with your issues - both with self image and your eating disorder. Good luck!!
  • tburgess242002
    tburgess242002 Posts: 231 Member
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    I understand where you're coming from where you been and where you're at you can add me if you'd like
  • WendyLaubach
    WendyLaubach Posts: 518 Member
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    Through hell, that's for sure! Sounds like you've learned some helpful things that are putting you on the right road. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm awfully sorry you've been through the wringer like this. I wish I knew why so many of us are stuck in all-or-nothing mode. It's so danged hard to be moderate! We feel we either have to be perfect, or we're worthless. We know that's never true about anyone else, but it can easily seem that way about ourselves.

    I hope this site helps you with the support you can get here, without triggering any problems that come with counting and so on. And good for you for coming right out and stating your need for support. I know very well how hard that is. Being able to say it clearly is half the battle.
  • Paandubsz
    Paandubsz Posts: 5 Member
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    You are amazing!
    You will accomplish this!

    I believe in you.
  • Kullerva
    Kullerva Posts: 1,114 Member
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    Welcome back. Many women experience hatred toward their bodies for various reasons. I blamed myself for years for a comprehensive assault that first took place when I was four and continued until I was nearly eleven. This attitude encouraged me to keep weight on, eat unhealthy things, and generally not take care of myself so that I'd be invisible to the people who wanted to hurt me--which, at that time, I thought was everyone.

    My therapist is stunningly good and has talked me past a lot of my past issues over the last six or seven years. I've lost a lot of weight slowly while treating myself better and learning to defend myself. (Yesterday I took an MMA class with six burly guys and one other woman. I kept up fine, and did better than most of them. Two years ago I would have been terrified to even try something like that!)

    I think now is the time for you to get really honest with yourself. It's going to hurt, but you're likely used to that. You need to figure out why your behaviors are systematically attempting to destroy the person you want to become. Once you figure that out--and that may take a while--you can work on dismantling those behaviors one by one. Healing isn't an immediate or perfect process; it's a process of change. You are going to make mistakes. You may backslide. But every day you commit to making a positive change is a day when your past and your illness doesn't own you.
  • gawworthington
    gawworthington Posts: 1,131 Member
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    Best of luck to you. I make mini goals with myself and take it one day at a time. It is good to take the first step.
  • ClosetBayesian
    ClosetBayesian Posts: 836 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    Is your therapist aware you have an account on a calorie counting site? Does he/she believe it is safe for you to be here?
    Good luck.

    This.
  • EquestrianLark135
    EquestrianLark135 Posts: 98 Member
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    Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. I am working on positive affirmation... Saying more positive, confident things to myself in the mirror, ignoring or denying negative thoughts, etc. It's hard because I don't believe what I'm saying, but, over time, I will.

    No, my therapists do not know I'm on here and I'm not sure if they'd approve. They do know I'm trying to lose weight and have approved me working out and eating healthier so the calorie counting is just a better way for me to keep it under control.
  • RespectTheKitty
    RespectTheKitty Posts: 1,667 Member
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    ((((((((HUGS))))))))

    I've been there. I've been anorexic and had binge eating disorder. I still battle with my body image frequently. It's taken such a long time for me to see the light (I'm 43 now), but I have decided to start taking care of myself by eating healthy, exercising, and not binging.

    You are doing the right thing by being in therapy. I wish you happiness and self-love.
  • EquestrianLark135
    EquestrianLark135 Posts: 98 Member
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    RespectTheKitty wrote: »
    ((((((((HUGS))))))))

    I've been there. I've been anorexic and had binge eating disorder. I still battle with my body image frequently. It's taken such a long time for me to see the light (I'm 43 now), but I have decided to start taking care of myself by eating healthy, exercising, and not binging.

    You are doing the right thing by being in therapy. I wish you happiness and self-love.

    Thank you <3 I'm glad you made it out and are doing better. I know I'll be there some day... Until then, I just have to push through the rough days.
  • sndrd49
    sndrd49 Posts: 234 Member
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    Please talk to your therapists about being here. You obviously recognize that you need professional help and you are really lucky to be getting it, so please utilize it fully.....which means full disclosure honesty. I can relate to parts of your story and I did not get the help when I needed it most, I got lucky, but it could have gone a very different way.
  • RebelPatriot77
    RebelPatriot77 Posts: 29 Member
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    EquestrianLark135 wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. I am working on positive affirmation... Saying more positive, confident things to myself in the mirror, ignoring or denying negative thoughts, etc. It's hard because I don't believe what I'm saying, but, over time, I will.

    No, my therapists do not know I'm on here and I'm not sure if they'd approve. They do know I'm trying to lose weight and have approved me working out and eating healthier so the calorie counting is just a better way for me to keep it under control.

    Talk to your therapist sweetie. Let them know you are on here and why. That way if it starts to spiral again they'll catch it quicker. Besides it may help them to know about other things with this site such as the support network, and that you maintain a minimum intake. Sometimes seeing the change can help, but don't accidentally be working against your therapist
  • safisana
    safisana Posts: 12 Member
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    I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through such hard times. I'll be rooting for you! <3
  • Mersie1
    Mersie1 Posts: 329 Member
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    I have been through every form of ED. Finally on the road to recovery. The way I use MFP is first of all I've just guessed my current weight- I will not weigh myself! I log my food but I view my calories within a range that I should hit, I can easily become obsessed w hitting a certain number, I also do not hit complete entry that way I won't see the "what I will weigh." I have joined several ED groups and check in w the community a lot. I use this purely as a guide to make sure I am generally following an eating plan/schedule (one that my ED nutritionist wants me to follow.) for as long as I am able to use good coping skills, nourish my body and treat my body kindly. Then my weight will be where it should be. I don't always like it, but even when I was anorexic I didn't love my body. I always said, I'll lose just a little more. It is hard, but possible! All the best to you! Add me if you like!
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    EquestrianLark135 wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support. I am working on positive affirmation... Saying more positive, confident things to myself in the mirror, ignoring or denying negative thoughts, etc. It's hard because I don't believe what I'm saying, but, over time, I will.

    No, my therapists do not know I'm on here and I'm not sure if they'd approve. They do know I'm trying to lose weight and have approved me working out and eating healthier so the calorie counting is just a better way for me to keep it under control.

    If you have felt the need to not talk about it to your medical team, you know it is wrong. You are trying to rationalise to yourself what you are doing, but you know you should not be doing it all. Talk in therapy about your weight loss approach. Step away from this site in the meantime.

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