Sooooooo...What's the least painful way to exit a bad marria

Babydollnikki
Babydollnikki Posts: 14
edited September 28 in Motivation and Support
After being married for only 5 years, I am begining to believe that there is some validity to the seven year itch. Things are just not as they should be. Yeah I know, one should not expect a bed of roses after the hooneymoon(which I am still awaiting btw) but there seems to be a great amount of distance between my spouse and I now. Maybe its the 20 porker pounds I packed on while he was loving me thin??? IDK. Well back in my youthful days, I would literally have to start fishing out a new prospect that I fancied quite a bit, to help occupy my time and distract my emotions in order for me to leave a current boyfriend. Would this be cheating or adultry (no sex kind of adultry.. I mean biblical) or wrong to use my "CRUTCH" approach to leave a marriage? Chiefly, on my suspicion and poor treatment hunches that its "GAME OVER" now???:embarassed:

Replies

  • zeeeb
    zeeeb Posts: 805 Member
    i would say seeking out another person to keep your mind occupied would be the least healthy way to exit any relationship, whether it be a marriage or a boyfriend.

    But each to their own.

    There is no easy way out of a marriage, it's that simple. there are just some that are less horrible and more amicable and mature / level headed. And that unfortunately comes down to how you behave and how your partner responds. you can do everything right, and if they freak out, they will make your life hell.

    Best of luck on your exit, lets hope it's a quiet uneventful one for you!
  • emilymiesel
    emilymiesel Posts: 207 Member
    You shouldn't cheat on your significant other to end the relationship EVER! especially when you are married! It's super wrong and how'd you like it done to you??! If you're not happy then man up and tell him you're not happy and don't want to be together anymore. Simple.

    It's not like he has you in chains and shackles! At least I hope not ;)
  • kendf60
    kendf60 Posts: 234 Member
    If there are children involved, it's definitely something worth working on, if not, end the relationship quickly before beginning any new ones.
  • queen_bea
    queen_bea Posts: 118
    You shouldn't cheat on your significant other to end the relationship EVER! especially when you are married! It's super wrong and how'd you like it done to you??! If you're not happy then man up and tell him you're not happy and don't want to be together anymore. Simple.

    It's not like he has you in chains and shackles! At least I hope not ;)

    agreed.
  • d_llopez
    d_llopez Posts: 167 Member
    I've been in ur shoes. Decide what u want and make a decision. Tell him upfront, you owe him that much.
  • kr3851
    kr3851 Posts: 994 Member
    I think you need to focus on some 'me time'. No new relationships. End this one, spend some time working out who you are on your own. What you want from life. Then you can move on.

    I don't think there's an easy way. But you need to do what is RIGHT. And if removing yourself from your current home (or asking your husband to leave) is what you need to do, then that is what you need to do. Maybe have a conversation with him and see what he wants from your marriage. It may just have come to a natural end. But he may also want to work on it with you to make it happen.
  • Noctuary
    Noctuary Posts: 255
    Is this going to be a night of you ranting about your marriage?
    Cuz I have to go make some popcorn. BRB.
  • Avalonis
    Avalonis Posts: 1,540 Member
    Is this going to be a night of you ranting about your marriage?
    Cuz I have to go make some popcorn. BRB.

    Ahahaha. Thats hilarious. Mean as hell, but hilarious.
  • LesliePierceRN
    LesliePierceRN Posts: 860 Member
    Just curious.. you guys took vows.. did they say "Till death us do part", or "till we get bored"? It's tough being married. But it's also a promise. It's going to be boring..and rough.. and painful sometimes.. and a lot of work.. and lots of other things. It's a garden, you have to actively cultivate it. You have to prune and hoe and weed out the bad stuff. You have to add in the good stuff to make it grow. Maybe instead of lighting a spark with someone else, it would be best (for both of you) to add the spark back with him. Fake it till you feel it, if you have to. Be nice on purpose. Talk it over. A marriage isn't a convenient thing. It's a precious thing.
  • TakuraHunt
    TakuraHunt Posts: 208
    Just sent you a message...
  • mamafrahm
    mamafrahm Posts: 132 Member
    One of my favorite quotes that helps me put things in perspective (I will be married 5 years next May) is this:
    "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. "

    Marriage is sacred, you took vows, and while I understand that some marriages just don't work out, I really think you should try to work on things. Especially if you have children.
  • msmandyjo
    msmandyjo Posts: 95 Member
    IMO, unless someone in the marriage is abusive, you should do everything you can to salvage it. It s'addens me how now a days so many people act like marriage vows are the romantic equivalent of a cell phone contract. You made a sacred vow to your husband. Have you even talked to him about how you're feeling? If you're just feeling bored and restless, try to put the spark back in your marriage. Like some one else said, fake it till you make it. You'd be surprised how just deciding to fix things can fix things.

    And going fishing for a new boyfriend is just wrong, and if you were to enter into a relationship, whether or not you had sex, yes that would be cheating. Sounds like you need to work on you, as well. If you decide to leave your husband, you should probably avoid dating all together for a little while.
  • Mrs_TrimWaistFatWallet
    Mrs_TrimWaistFatWallet Posts: 486
    I would say the first fair thing to do is to bring up your frustrations/concerns first. At least give him a fair chance to respond/change...
  • jessradtke
    jessradtke Posts: 418 Member
    This is just my opinion, of course, but since you asked...I think that by cheating on your spouse (even if it's only in your mind) you are also cheating yourself. You are cheating yourself out of the opportunity to be open and honest with yourself and with someone you once cared for. You are cheating yourself out of feeling good about the way you handled a tough situation. There's a big difference between "window shopping" to leave someone you're just dating and leaving someone you made a COMMITMENT to in the same manner. If you don't care about your spouse enough, then at least respect yourself enough to end your marriage properly before you go looking for a new "distraction".
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    I think basically leaving your husband for someone else will cause a lot of problems. He will most likely feel extremely hurt and depressed. I suggest to instead set up a reward for yourself for after the breakup, and follow through. Once you break up, you go traveling, you go to the salon, you watch a movie every week, etc. :)
  • Troll
    Troll Posts: 922 Member
    There is no easy way out. You can either discuss this with your spouse and try to make it work, tell them to screw off and leave, or say "this just isn't working." and go out the peaceful way. Cheating is cheating, i'd have a fit if i found out my man was having any kind of relationship with another woman and i'm pretty sure he'd feel the same way if i went to hang out with another guy.

    If you feel like you need something/someone else in your life, have the decency to leave the one you're with first-there's no need to lead them on thinking everything's peachy when it really isnt.
  • hotpurpletx
    hotpurpletx Posts: 14
    You know how we are all on MFP to lose weight and get in shape... Well that takes commitment... which means I didn't want to workout Monday but I stayed focused on the bigger picture.. My Goals and having the ME that I want to be...

    I just want to encourage you to stay committed to him through this time. Maybe he isnt telling you something that is going on that is bothering him. Not all people can express emotions easily... Get down to the 'graffiti' in your relationship and clean it up. The underlining causes like finances, nosey friends or relatives. Remember to keep things simple and enjoy the small things. I once was married and left at the 5 year mark... Although it didnt turn out to be bad outcome even though we have kids.... I wish I would have stuck with it and stayed committed to the promise I kept. Please try not to look at the here and the now... Remember that this is the person you wanted to grow old with. I love seeing old couples that have stood together through life and how much they love each other! It's awesome!

    One more thing hunt down the 'Love Dare' book and the movie 'Fireproof'... Our Mardel's here sells both of them and I believe for both its under $20...
    BEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND!!!
  • Babydollnikki
    Babydollnikki Posts: 14
    Down Girls!!!!!!!!!!.....I think I need to give a couple nasty details here obviously. Sheesh!:blushing: First of all, In slowly reading my post, it merely ask the question, "would it be considered cheating"? not that I am contemplating it. It was a question. It was in reference to what I did in YOUNGER SINGLE DAYS when breaking up with someone that I knew was no good for me but it would of affected me greatly to just pack my gucci and just go because I am highly sensitive and emotional creature who is God fearing at that. Any ways things are not always as they seem: Traits: controlling, verbally abusive, drinking makes it worst, always stating I can leave like he dosen't care if I'm with him or not, has traumitized me with weight issue, and tells me im not his wife because we were married to other people before. Says his first wife is his real wife. Not me the current wife. He divorced me and then he married me 3 months later. And other than that he is loyal and kind.
  • Noctuary
    Noctuary Posts: 255
    Down Girls!!!!!!!!!!.....I think I need to give a couple nasty details here obviously. Sheesh!:blushing: First of all, In slowly reading my post, it merely ask the question, "would it be considered cheating"? not that I am contemplating it. It was a question. It was in reference to what I did in YOUNGER SINGLE DAYS when breaking up with someone that I knew was no good for me but it would of affected me greatly to just pack my gucci and just go because I am highly sensitive and emotional creature who is God fearing at that. Any ways things are not always as they seem: Traits: controlling, verbally abusive, drinking makes it worst, always stating I can leave like he dosen't care if I'm with him or not, has traumitized me with weight issue, and tells me im not his wife because we were married to other people before. Says his first wife is his real wife. Not me the current wife. He divorced me and then he married me 3 months later. And other than that he is loyal and kind.
    Well you did pick him. Apparently twice. Maybe you need to start focusing on yourself and your behaviors for a while. So you don't make this same mistake a third time.
  • rhapsody527
    rhapsody527 Posts: 60
    Just curious.. you guys took vows.. did they say "Till death us do part", or "till we get bored"? It's tough being married. But it's also a promise. It's going to be boring..and rough.. and painful sometimes.. and a lot of work.. and lots of other things. It's a garden, you have to actively cultivate it. You have to prune and hoe and weed out the bad stuff. You have to add in the good stuff to make it grow. Maybe instead of lighting a spark with someone else, it would be best (for both of you) to add the spark back with him. Fake it till you feel it, if you have to. Be nice on purpose. Talk it over. A marriage isn't a convenient thing. It's a precious thing.

    Well said!
  • firestarbeauty
    firestarbeauty Posts: 32
    Down Girls!!!!!!!!!!.....I think I need to give a couple nasty details here obviously. Sheesh!:blushing: First of all, In slowly reading my post, it merely ask the question, "would it be considered cheating"? not that I am contemplating it. It was a question. It was in reference to what I did in YOUNGER SINGLE DAYS when breaking up with someone that I knew was no good for me but it would of affected me greatly to just pack my gucci and just go because I am highly sensitive and emotional creature who is God fearing at that. Any ways things are not always as they seem: Traits: controlling, verbally abusive, drinking makes it worst, always stating I can leave like he dosen't care if I'm with him or not, has traumitized me with weight issue, and tells me im not his wife because we were married to other people before. Says his first wife is his real wife. Not me the current wife. He divorced me and then he married me 3 months later. And other than that he is loyal and kind.

    damn, not the best...but still worth working out and discussing your issues to each other, there must be something there if you married him a second time?

    Im divorced myself so explore every avenue before calling it quits, there is no easy way out....
  • ShunkyDave
    ShunkyDave Posts: 190 Member
    Marriage is tough. No doubt about it.

    My wife and I are going to hit 14 years this August.

    And we're now starting our second round of therapy.

    We agreed when we had our first big 'this is it or we're done' fight that the word 'divorce' is not on the table. Having made that mutual decision, we will address every problem as we find them. Sometimes it blows, and I hate it.

    In the end, the most valuable thing I have or will ever have is my wife and my marriage to her. Nothing on the earth is more valuable, so you can't really entice me with it. I'm committed to doing what I must to keep it.

    Just thought I'd share, for what it's worth.
  • jdm0804
    jdm0804 Posts: 98 Member
    My first thought is to say that there is a commitment issue that needs to be respected. As a future marriage counselor, I always want to say that divorce is not an option. You got married for a reason, and it's your duty as a married couple to empower that relationship. But if you feel actively abused (or neglected), or if you are the only one who's married, then you may need to bring it in as a last resort. But if you do, make it final.

    Before you do, though, I would suggest trying to open the lines of commucation. Try to figure out what says "I love you" to your husband, and speak to him in that way and see if that helps the situation. If you can get him to engage you more, then you can really work through these issues. Try to figure out why he feels the way he feels, and encourage him to figure out why you feel the way you feel.

    To answer your question, I believe that the easiest way to end a marriage is to talk through it. Don't let your emotions fuel it, and be fair about things. Let him keep what's important to him, and keep what's important to you. Compromise on what's important to both of you. Be open about the reason that you're doing it. Just because you end your marital relationship, doesn't mean you stop talking.

    Hope that helps!
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