The intention-behavior gap, and how I bridged mine

I had a quite terrible diet for many years; I managed to eat better for short periods, but I seemed to constantly be drawn back into an unhealthy pattern of cravings for sweet, salty and fatty, eating lots of chocolate, candy, chips, cakes, cookies, ice cream. To try to make up for the overeating, I waited as long as I could to eat, but then "dinner" was often convenience foods - frozen pizza, meatloaf, sausages, instant mashed potatoes, noodles, and then I continued to graze on sweets and salty snacks through the afternoon, and until bedtime.

I would eat some raw vegetables occasionally, and fruit, fish and whole grains, but my eating was very unstructured; I could eat a whole pomegranate in one go, which is way too much - when I portion it out now, it's plenty for 3-6 days. I would make large amounts of food, because I didn't "believe in" portions and portion control, I assumed that was borderline disordered eating, and I believed full meant "stuffed", and that I should eat that much because I could; portioning in advance didn't occur to me, because I couldn't know how much I would be able to eat, and I figured cooking just a small amount wouldn't work (it would scorch), so I always prepared a little bit extra, just in case - and I hated throwing out food, so I ate until completely stuffed.

This eating pattern over time made me both fat and lethargic, and I hated the sensation of fat body parts touching eachother, so I avoided exercise too. I felt miserable, craving, hungry but had no appetite, ashamed - I wanted to do the right things, but I couldn't! I felt I needed a nutritionist, a PT, a cook, a therapist, and someone to sit on me when I got the urge to eat. I tried to stick to low fat, because that was what I've been told was not just the obvious way to lose weight, but necessary to avoid disease. So I would fill my shopping basket with sweets and chips, no-fat milk, and some random vegetables that I tried to fool myself into thinking I was going to eat, but I had no plans for them, I hated the taste, and I can admit now that I used them mostly as a "camouflage", to reduce the amount of shame at the till. I would buy and buy junk, I tried to hold back, but I could never get enough, I always ran out. I used to have a garbage routine every week, go through the fridge and pick out rotten vegetables.

In 2006, I managed to lose 45 pounds or so in ten months, by strictly eating low fat and high fibre, calorie counting, and exercising. I was so happy and proud and determined to never get fat again. But I couldn't keep it up. Life got in the way; I didn't have access to the gym anymore, I tried to get my worries off problems at work by eating, and I needed something that tasted good. The weight piled on again, I got down to normal BMI again by sheer willpower, then it slowly crept up, and then fast, until 2013, when I had 50 pounds to lose. I was so fed up, and I knew what had worked before, so I set out again - emptying cupboards, counting calories, avoiding fat, adding more whole grains and vegetables, eating meals. Exercise had to be walking this time. I lost a few pounds and was happy.

But then reading and discussing weight management, nutrition and psychology/sociology/marketing, and stumbling across MFP, made me question the low fat route. Could it be that fat was more than just "empty calories"? Butter won't kill me? Even though I was scared, I bought and cooked and ate, and food started to taste better, then wonderful, and I was full, in a way I never had experienced before. I was energized, relaxed, sleeping better. I started to love to cook, because it was easy to make tasty meals from single food ingredients and good fats. Cravings had always diminished when I ate better, but this time, they stayed low. I began to prefer home cooked food, and portioning out and eating meals became natural, I eat lots of vegetables and enjoy a wide variety of whole grains, fruit, fatty meat and cheese, nuts every day. I kept on walking and occasionally do some basic stretching and strength things at home, and stopped worrying about not doing any planned exercise. While I lost weight. And while keeping it off, for 17 months now.

I'm finally where I want to be - I eat in a way I think is healthy and move as much as I think I need to, and I love to eat like this and move like this. Keeping weight off is effortless - I also weigh every day, and that takes away any anxiety. I look forward to eating and I never feel bad for eating anymore. I even enjoy shopping trips, looking at produce and visualizing what delicious dishes I can make from it. I no longer fear "falling off the wagon", because there is no wagon, just a flexible meal plan of foods I love, why would I stop eating food I like? No food is off limits, no arbitrary rules, what I focus on now is just "nutritious" and "tasty". That makes it easy to stick to the decision to not buy trigger foods. I'm no longer reliant on feeling on top of things and days without potholes, because this is the food I would turn to when sad, upset, nervous or tired, and the way I eat can be adjusted to almost any circumstances. And the food I eat makes me feel good, I remember so well how bad I felt while eating as I did before, but it seemed normal then, and it didn't occur to me that one could be malnourished and fat. I had nothing to compare to. Now I have. This is something completely different. I feel like I eat like I always did, or should have eaten all the time. No ​dramatic turnaround, just lots and lots of tiny adjustments to habits, preferences, environment and attitude.

How did YOU bridge YOUR intention-behavior gap?