Worried about my mum and sister

lauralou93a
lauralou93a Posts: 50 Member
I want to help my mum and my sister to loose weight. My mum is 57 and prob 470 lbs 5ft 0 and diabetic, my sister is prob about same weight maybe little less but 29 almost and 5'2 and gas lupus and takes steroid meds ,neither of them talks about there weight and are extremely privet. I know my mum is staying the same weight from what she said about diabetic nurse review but my sister is getting bigger and also has a new bf who is a big lad both posting pics of unhealthy food on Facebook! Just want advice how to broach them gently and help them . I have never been as big as them but have managed my weight when I was my biggest and after both of my children .
Any advice apriciated

Replies

  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,173 Member
    You cannot make someone lose weight. Sad as it is, it simply is not possible. If your sister was much younger, maybe you could get an active role in helping her, but at 29, no. You can tell both of them you are worried and that you fear for their wellbeing, but it does not sound very likely it will make a difference.
  • kgirlhart
    kgirlhart Posts: 4,533 Member
    Unfortunately if they aren't interested in losing weight then there is nothing you can say or do. They have to want to lose weight for themselves. You can tell them about mfp, but until they decide that they want to do something to improve their health then nothing will happen.
  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member
    Only they can do it. The only one you can control is yourself.

    If you have them over, offer healthy choices. If you do something with them, try to make active for them, even if it doesn't seem active to you. In other words, since you can only control yourself, make sure that you are not an enabler.

    When people get that overweight, there are emotional issues. Your anger, disgust or nagging are just going to be triggers.
  • annaskiski
    annaskiski Posts: 1,212 Member
    The only thing you can do is lead by example.
    If they see you lose weight, they may start to consider it. But don't say anything unless they ask....
  • lauralou93a
    lauralou93a Posts: 50 Member
    I haven't said anything so far -ever neither could take it , I don't cook when they visit as its between meals , neither one has much ability / inclination to be active mum struggles to move about and sis has feet issues among other things , mum follows diabetic advice on diet mostly from what I can gather but doesn't even walk the dog round block!
  • lauralou93a
    lauralou93a Posts: 50 Member
    Will mention my fitness pal again more obviously though
  • SbetaK
    SbetaK Posts: 328 Member
    The posts above are right, people are only able to lose weight when they themselves make that decision. No one else can make you start taking care of yourself. And many times, someone pushing them can actually have a reverse effect. Most likely they are unhappy deep inside but choosing to bury those feelings and not acknowledge them. Your best bet is to show by example in taking care of yourself and keeping your own health up. And not flaunting it in their faces. Perhaps sometime when they are nearby, you can call up some of the photo only success stories on this site and just admire them? Maybe they will glance over your shoulder and see them? A large weight loss is a daunting process that seems impossible to most people, but the success stories show that it can be done! It is not the impossible dream, but takes motivation and dedication. And a real desire to step out of your comfort zone and commit to a healthier life. Having a caring family member is important, but for now all you can do is stand by and stay healthy for yourself.
  • samwiserabbit
    samwiserabbit Posts: 159 Member
    Hey Laura, It's so loving of you to want the best for your mom and sister and to want to be gentle and considerate with your approach. It's so incredibly tricky.

    Here's something I've noticed in my life as a teacher, writer, and just observer of life in general:

    You can't actually tell a person anything unless they already know it or they have asked a question and you're providing an answer they sort of expect. They won't hear you. The trick, when you see something someone else doesn't, is to look for opportunities and ways to make them ask themselves a question that they can answer themselves. You don't say, "turn on the light so you can read better," you wait until they start rubbing their eyes and say, casually, "it's kind of dark in here." They'll find the light switch.

    It's a slow process. Don't expect to have some magic words that you say and then your sister will be like, "oh, hey, I'm going to start logging my food, controlling my portions, and getting more exercise." It'll be more like she says something about how her weight is a problem in some small or joking way and you reply with a perfectly timed, perfectly tuned "really?" and then she says something else that sounds like the same habits are going to continue, but then weeks later you find out she started leaving some food on her plate or walking to the mailbox instead of driving.

    Be a good example. Don't harp on it, but don't hide the fact that your management of your weight takes some attention, and is worth the effort.

    Don't expect too much of yourself. You can't change them. They get to make their own choices and have the right to be as big as they want to. That's not your call. You can carefully, lovingly, at their pace, invite them to consider the ramifications of the choices they're making. Chances are, they already have, though. All you can do is keep listening and opening the door of curiosity about what it would be like to eat a little less, exercise a little more, and feel a little fitter.

    Good luck! You're an awesome sister and daughter!
  • allaboutthefood
    allaboutthefood Posts: 796 Member
    I understand you are worried, but all you can really do. Is offer your help, talk to them truthfully about how you feel and the dangers that lay ahead. If they do not want to change they won't! you can't make them.
  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
    Every one is right. You can't make them do it. It really sucks to see someone you love having issues that you feel like you might know how to fix.

    Maybe try and get them to do something with you that could push them a little....like a cooking class on how to make something healthy-ish like sushi? I think when you are 470lbs there are reasons besides hunger and love of food that you eat.

    The trick is knowing what that is and finding something to replace it that brings you equal, instant happiness. Why do you think they continue to eat enough to weigh that much? Boredom, stress, life issues. Maybe you could try to engage them in activities that they'd like enough to gently help. It's kind of a round about way, but I've got nothing else.
  • 2snakeswoman
    2snakeswoman Posts: 655 Member
    It does sometimes happen that hearing loving concern regarding changing a bad habit will motivate some people. It has to be that and only that - loving concern. If you bring up the subject, say it only once and share your resources. Doubtless they already know they're dangerously obese and should do something. Maybe knowing how much you care will help. Worth a try?
  • endlessfall16
    endlessfall16 Posts: 932 Member
    OP, you can't "make" them do what you want immediately, but if you have the necessarily skills, which could be a tall order for many, anything is possible.

    Find out their interests, fears, motivation and start from there. My brother and I have been talking about fitness and weight control with our mom for years. Plus we start to see people around us falling to illnesses. I'm toying with the idea that I'll gift my mom with gifts or money if she loses weight and takes better care of herself. It's in everyone's interests, anyway. It is making a dent.
  • lauralou93a
    lauralou93a Posts: 50 Member
    Every one is right. You can't make them do it. It really sucks to see someone you love having issues that you feel like you might know how to fix.

    Maybe try and get them to do something with you that could push them a little....like a cooking class on how to make something healthy-ish like sushi? I think when you are 470lbs there are reasons besides hunger and love of food that you eat.

    The trick is knowing what that is and finding something to replace it that brings you equal, instant happiness. Why do you think they continue to eat enough to weigh that much? Boredom, stress, life issues. Maybe you could try to engage them in activities that they'd like enough to gently help. It's kind of a round about way, but I've got nothing else.

    My mum doesn't eat much but when she does not the healthiest
  • lauralou93a
    lauralou93a Posts: 50 Member
    Thanks everyone
  • amyn73
    amyn73 Posts: 241 Member
    One thing that worked for me was that all of my closest relatives decided to commit to better health. We all got on MFP and support each other daily. Like the others said, you cant make them lose weight but yiu might challenge them to be healthy with you instead