How do I stand up for myself?

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Angela937
Angela937 Posts: 514 Member
edited March 2016 in Chit-Chat
I need to leave my husband, I know I do. But every time we talk about issues, I end up feeling like I am the problem. We've been married 12 years. In all that time I have been subject to emotional and mental abuse. He doesn't even realize it, I don't think. In the last few years I've began to stand up for myself, and now he claims I have been emasculating him. He's a pretty good dad to our boys, but sometimes he is far to tough on them, to the point he reduces our 7 year old to tears. I plan on waiting until the school year is over, then my kids and I are moving to my parents place. I have told my husband this, and he says I have been brainwashed by my family and can't live without them. I just don't know what to say or do, or how to protect myself and my reputation with our friends and church. He is a master manipulator.

Replies

  • faithan84
    faithan84 Posts: 717 Member
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    I don't know that I could give you good advice since I haven't been in your situation. I do feel for you though. That must be really tough.
  • faithan84
    faithan84 Posts: 717 Member
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    Have you tried marriage therapy?
  • Angela937
    Angela937 Posts: 514 Member
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    Yes, 3 times. First time was with a pastor, who ultimately told me I was a bad wife, no matter what my husband has done.

    Second time was with my personal counselor, she wasn't certified, who suggested I bring husband in to work through stuff. She ended up counseling me to do anything I had to in order to repair things, or just break it off. She sided with him, in my opinion. Counselors aren't suppose to take sides, and she only met him the one time. Like I said, master manipulator.

    Third time is with a therapist through community mental health. He is certified, and hasn't given an opinion yet, just listens to us.
  • positivepowers
    positivepowers Posts: 902 Member
    edited March 2016
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    Abusers are really good at turning the tables and making it feel like you're the problem - in fact, it's what they do best.

    We make our priorities. If/when you are ready to leave, you will and nothing he will say or do will change your mind. In the meantime, please think about this: You say he is a good dad but that he reduces your young (defenseless) child to tears because he is too hard on him. In what universe is that a good dad? Which is more important, the mental health of your son or keeping him in the same school district? Just a thought.

    ETA: As for your reputation, friends and church - really? That's what's holding you back? If they are your friends, they won't care. If they have a problem with you leaving an abusing relationship - find new friends and a new church, they're everywhere.
  • faithan84
    faithan84 Posts: 717 Member
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    I understand that marriage therapy can be rough. It doesn't seem like you had good therapists. My ex and I went to therapy a few times and honestly it was torture. All it did was bring up all the pain I had stored away, and left it raw and on the surface. Nothing was accomplished, no "work" was done, no healing or better communication. I was surprised that this licensed therapist, who was a Christian working at a church supported center suggested that we get a divorce.

    But back to you! If anything, it might be helpful for you to see a therapist on your own. It might take a while to find someone you trust and feel comfortable with. I think the peace you could gain from it would be invaluable to you and your children. I understand your hesitation taking the kids away from their dad, but he can still be a "pretty good dad" with visitation rights. If living with him is harming you, then I support you doing what you need to do to be safe, and to keep your children safe.
  • pie_eyes
    pie_eyes Posts: 12,965 Member
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    Angela937 wrote: »
    I need to leave my husband, I know I do. But every time we talk about issues, I end up feeling like I am the problem. We've been married 12 years. In all that time I have been subject to emotional and mental abuse. He doesn't even realize it, I don't think. In the last few years I've began to stand up for myself, and now he claims I have been emasculating him. He's a pretty good dad to our boys, but sometimes he is far to tough on them, to the point he reduces our 7 year old to tears. I plan on waiting until the school year is over, then my kids and I are moving to my parents place. I have told my husband this, and he says I have been brainwashed by my family and can't live without them. I just don't know what to say or do, or how to protect myself and my reputation with our friends and church. He is a master manipulator.

    Leave

    I'm in a similar situation

    Take yourself and your kids to your parents
  • pie_eyes
    pie_eyes Posts: 12,965 Member
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    positivepowers wrote: »
    Abusers are really good at turning the tables and making it feel like you're the problem - in fact, it's what they do best.

    We make our priorities. If/when you are ready to leave, you will and nothing he will say or do will change your mind. In the meantime, please think about this: You say he is a good dad but that he reduces your young (defenseless) child to tears because he is too hard on him. In what universe is that a good dad? Which is more important, the mental health of your son or keeping him in the same school district? Just a thought.

    ETA: As for your reputation, friends and church - really? That's what's holding you back? If they are your friends, they won't care. If they have a problem with you leaving an abusing relationship - find new friends and a new church, they're everywhere.

    And this
  • Jpinpoint
    Jpinpoint Posts: 219 Member
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    Standing up for yourself is not caring what your community or church thinks or believes. I would think that if either judged you in any way it's time to find a new community and church.

    Standing up for yourself will show your kids how to grow up and not be run all over.

    How do you stand up for yourself? You look at your husband and show him respect, protect your children, and continue with your plans with an end goal. You show your husband respect because showing him hate or anger won't change him.

    I hope everything works out for you. It's good that your parents are supporting your decision.
  • LauraHasABabyJack
    LauraHasABabyJack Posts: 629 Member
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    Sorry, no advice on the marriage issues, just a recommendation to speak with a lawyer to ensure you maintain custody of your children if you do choose to leave.
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
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    You're not the problem. When you're in a relationship that flounders then that's on both and neither of you. You can't try to place blame. Don't accept someone else placing blame. At this point (after several attempts at counseling and 12 years together) the relationship clearly doesn't work. It doesn't matter why it doesn't work. It matters that you are able to move on with your life so you can be the best person you can be and have a happy future.

    Unless you have a pattern of dating manipulative, abusive men then don't over analyze this situation. (If you do have that pattern then see a therapist for that issue.)

    I suggest you stick to your plan of leaving him. If your friends don't support you then they (sadly) are not really your friends! If your church doesn't support you then it isn't a loving church. You will find new true friends and a new church.

    The tough part about ending a long term relationship is taking the first step away. It's one thing to plan on leaving but something else to act on that plan. From your post I think you've made the plan but aren't sure you're ready to act on it. You seem concerned about what others think when you should be concerned about doing what is right for you and your children.

    Haters are just going to hate. Ignore them.
  • Angela937
    Angela937 Posts: 514 Member
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    I am on the fence about my plans to leave. I keep thinking maybe there's something that can be done, something I can do to fix this.

    We got together when I was 15, he was my first and only boyfriend ever. I've known him half of my life.
  • Angela937
    Angela937 Posts: 514 Member
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    Honestly, I don't want or need another man. I just don't know what I would do without him in my life full time. Its all I've known for so long.
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
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    Angela937 wrote: »
    Honestly, I don't want or need another man. I just don't know what I would do without him in my life full time. Its all I've known for so long.

    I understand where you're coming from. I ended an 8 year relationship when I was 25. When they're all you've known your adult life then the prospect of having to be independent is intimidating. I just want you to know that change can be a good thing and you can be happier afterwards.

    You can take your time making this decision. It's a process. Once you decide in your heart then allow your head to follow!

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