Please, please read this..

xxsweet · June 2011

Ok so.. I can't get something off my mind right now.. and this is the best place (besides my friend who I can't contact right now) I have to say something about it.

So here; My parents split when I was really little, my dad moved to another state for something like 2-3 years.. he thought it'd be easier on me that way (wrong) because he'd gotten a gf (who is now my step mother and mother of my sister.. I love them).

My mom got together with a guy (now my step father and father of my brother). My mom kept her and I very healthy when I was still really little.. but then she and my step dad became very active.. every day. That was GREAT for them..

I got left at my step grandmothers house... I did no school work, and ate cookies and high carb/ high fat foods every day. I also ate plenty of fruit.. not vegetables though. Also not much lean protein. At the time, aside from being sad that my dad wasn't there and my mom was gone for many hours every day, I loved it.

That didn't last more then a couple years. My step dad's step dad (crazy fam I know XD) was.. well.. crazy. He was amazing sometimes.. and other times he was insane and controlling.

Anyway.. my mom and I ended up moving (we'd been living with my step dad). She was seeing my step dad again (keep in mind, they weren't married at the time).. my mom and I moved.. again. We got a notice on my 9th b-day. We moved again.. this time we moved into a house with my step dad.. him and my mom married. I said it was great.. and it was.. but what I didn't say (because I couldn't explain it) was that it also made me hurt.. and cry. My sister was 2 by then and I loved her and my step mom.. but I still had deep hopes that my biological parents would be together again.

When I was 10 I was about 5ft and weighed.. 110 lbs. My BEST FRIEND (she still is.. we've gotten a lot closer.. I love her and consider her my sister. Then I think she was my best friend cuz I didn't have many.) Called me fat.. all the time.

My mom and step dad tried for a baby for a long time.. I didn't want them to succeed because I was afraid of losing my moms attention. I changed my mind.. because It made me feel bad to see my mom so sad. Like two weeks later she was pregnant.

I was as helpful and supportive through her pregnancy as I could be. I was also going through puberty and other stressful phases. For some reason my mom stared going kinda insane.. (more then is normal for a preggo. Lol.) I just continued being as supportive as I could manage. My brother's birth was complicated.. I was my moms best labor support.

My best friend's mom had gotten pregnant a while before mine did.. she miscariged.. and got pregnant again a few months before my mom.

My best friend's mom went crazy too.. (that baby was her 6th child.) She became abusive.. she hit and bruised my best friend and one of her sisters. My best friend wanted to kill herself. I begged her not to and since my mom was still pretty much okay (what craziness she had I thought was only hormones.) I said Id get my friend out of that situation.. she gave me a date.

There was drama. My friend was going to live with my family and I.. but over the summer my mom got weirder and my friend's mom got better.. mostly.

That was the summer after Id lost weight from growing and eating more reasonably. Then I got addicted to sugar.. I frequently downed grande fraps with whip and lived mainly off of highly processed candy. When I ate actual food it was usually burger king, steak and cheese burritos, or microwave noodles. The healthiest thing I ate was steak (cooked in butter) with about 1/2 cup mixed greens. Needless to say.. I weighted 123 lbs. I was 12 and 5ft 3in.

By the time I was 13 I was thouroughly tired of people calling me chubby, tired of hating mirrors, cameras, and bathing suits.

I looked up weight loss.. last august I started calorie counting. I lost 20 lbs by november. Then came christmas and new years. So much food.. so hungry. BAM. Id started binging. I was so freaked out at how much I was eating.. I gained back a lot of weight.. there were two days where I actually ate at least 3,500 calories. Yep.. enough to gain 1 lb. I was more then ok with LOSING a lb.. or two in one day.. but GAINING one? F*#@!

I looked it up and of course found info about EDs ... yeah.. Id ignored the warning on my calorie counter not to use the extreme weight loss number without a doctors approval and guidance... I went below the extreme loss number. I had been eating between 300 and 900 calories a day for about 3 months. My body betrayed me. It made me eat.. so much. It made me pay for depriving it.

Now I know.. I was wrong.. doing that to myself. Im trying my best to get better. My best friend became anorexic around the same time I did.. she's given up fixing it. I want to help her sop much.. she's the strongest trigger for me though. She, and my other bestie are depressed.. both of their mothers hit them. We all miss being our mother's babies.. but now we just want to get away. *Sigh* why cant everything be perfect and everyone be happy?

If you read this entire thing so far.. you are a very patient, nice person. This is a long and depressing rant considering it seams to contain nothing to comment on.. so if you'll bare with me..

I still love my mom, and my step dad, and my brother, and my step grandmother and step uncles (I see them again now because my step dads.. whatever he is.. step dad recently passed)

The thing is.. before THAT.. right after I realized I was anorexic, I told my mom. Thats rare right? An anorexic realizing and excepting their condition and then TELLING someone.. especially their family. So I told her.. she looked a little upset.. I think she believes me.. but I told her and what has she done about it? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I said what my childhood under her guardianship was.. she feels bad about it too. She apologizes if I talk about it. Like she apologizes after yelling at me.. (her apologies don't make me feel better.. they just make me feel like I lost the right to be mad.) With all that said, she hasn't done or said anything about me and anorexia. I don't think she even read the info/support site I emailed her the link to.

On my birthday she was tired and had to drive far to get my best friend because I wanted to spend my day with her. My mom could have said no.. she did, I was disappointed but I didn't complain.. my mom changed her mind and drove for me.. I would have been so happy with her. Except she'd yelled at me and basically called me an un-grateful *****. Yeah er.. I try.. and sometimes succeed.. but its hard to be grateful for that. I love birthdays lol they're my selfish highlight of the year. That one was mostly ruined.. maybe cuz it gave me an emotional scar, hmm?

I don't understand how my mom has made no notable effort to help me out of anorexia, but she has me help her with things I want nothing to do with. She still owes me over $200 she borrowed like three years ago..lol sorry thats kinda off topic.

Lately it feels harder every day not to relapse.. not to just give up.. Im trying my best though.. I think I can do it.

Ok Im done. Comments please; am I a whiney teenage brat, or am I justified? Be honest.

zorbaru · June 2011

sounds to me like you need to get out of that bad environment. maybe you could go live with your dad and step mom?

LolasEpicJourney · June 2011

Anorexia is tough. Theres no blunt way to say it. I had an eating disorder when I was younger - though because my body was never skeleton like it wouldnt have been classified as anorexic. It took a toll.

Being a teenager is also rough. I think a lot of anorexic people have other issues going on aswell - something that gets it all started. Maybe I am wrong... I studied psychology in university because i like to know what makes people do the things they do and act the way they do.

Best advice - seek professional help - they know exactly what tools and keys you will need to succeed!

xxsweet · June 2011

Im moving in next month or early august

Avalonis · June 2011

sounds to me like you need to get out of that bad environment. maybe you could go live with your dad and step mom?

Nothing strengthens a mother/daughter relationship like not having to live together. SERIOUSLY.

But with that being said, it sounds like a totally normal relationship. Kids and parents fight, especially when they see each other all the time. Thats life.

Parents are many times not supportive at all in our weight loss or getting healthy endeavors. In fact, I haven't told a single family member that I am changing my life. When they see me, they will know. (I don't visit family very often) Its not really their fault. Many times they have no idea HOW to help. After all, usually they aren't very healthy, hence why you learned bad habits (Usually)

You need to be strong not only for yourself, but for your best friend. If you don't get healthy, it will LITERALLY kill you and her.

If you need any support, there is TONS of encouraging people on this forum that are willing to give you any assistance or advice.

xxsweet · June 2011

I want help.. I'll probably have to tell my dad whats going on..

red01angel · June 2011

"Ok Im done. Comments please; am I a whiney teenage brat, or am I justified? Be honest."

Honestly? Yes. And yes.
Your issues are your own, and you seem like you recognize them...but you can't keep blaming mommy and daddy. You have to take the steps that you need to to better your OWN life.
Your profile says you're 18. It's time to take charge of yourself and your issues...own them...and overcome them.
As someone with an ED, I know that you can blame anyone and everyone..bemoan your upbringing and the society around you..but at the end of the day, it's your choice to do what you do.

That being said, I hope you CAN come up with the self awareness and self sufficiency to make your life better. The fact that you're on a site like this makes me believe that you WANT to make the steps to a healthy adult life...but will you go all the way and change your life for the better? Seeing a therapist would definitely help. I know mine saved me from years of disordered eating and while I'm not yet perfect, has helped me restore a sense of self worth and such.

Forgive my 2-glasses-of-wine-in rambling. I hope everything works out for you, my friend.

PS: GTFO of your parents' house. AND do your best to become financially independent so that they have no say in your life, and YOU have more control in the relationship.

zorbaru · June 2011

Im moving in next month or early august

great stuff. therapy and all that other stuff is great, but if you dont change your environment, all the things that pushed you to where you are will still be there, and recovering will be all that much harder.

if you move to a more positive environment, then there wont be all those triggers around you to cause you to relapse. *

*disclaimer, i have no experience with any ED or other (and i hate this term but cant think of another one at the moment) mental disorders.

ashfuse · June 2011

You need a new environment. You're 18 --go far away. Meet new people who LOVE life--they will trigger you to do HAPPY things

Lots of people are the way they are not because they want to be, but because something has caused them to be that way, like you. BUT, from what I have learned in psychology classes, behavior is also influenced by environment. A person's environment contributes a lot to their behavior and their psyche. Find happiness and you will be happy. Go find healthy people who will influence you to be healthy.

zorbaru · June 2011

from reading the post, i dont think she is actually 18. maybe that is the lowest age you can select on MFP?

Avalonis · June 2011

from reading the post, i dont think she is actually 18. maybe that is the lowest age you can select on MFP?

I got the same impression, but it's rather irrelevant. She still needs help with her issues. Shes at the right place though.

poopoomonkey1978 · June 2011

I semi feel the same as you do. Actualkly one of my motivations is to get smaller then my mother so I can tell her that " oh that outfit is cute but it would looke even cuter if you lost 10-20lbs" That's all I heard growing up. I would love to be your weight at your height. Instead I am 5'4 and currently at 200lbs. I used to say it was baby weight but my "baby" just turned 2. If your mother won't help you can you possibly go to a diet clinic and see if they can help you? Tell them what you have shared here. My mother and I aren't close enough for me to even tell her if I had an eating problem so I am happy you could go to her for that. If you can't go on your own what about your best friend going with you? Good luck and remember even if you eat or put on weight you are beautiful

MegaMech · June 2011

Hmmmm,

What would you do if you wanted to make a BLT from scratch? I know, sounds like an irrellivant question, but I read all your post, please see this one thru... So you take some bread.. and some mayo.. but wait.. I said from screatch.. so.. you.. get some flour, sugar, yeast eggs.. but wait,.. from Scratch... so you get some wheat... My point is.. There's a million things that go into making a simple BLT from the very begining... The problem is... all you want is a BLT. So what you're actually asking is... are you justified or a whiney teenager... But you're not focusing on your problem, your focusing on every little event or ingrediant that went into making you who and how you are.... which is often the case for people who haven't quite grasped what their problem is... and I can answer properly, since I can't assemble every ingridenant of your life to get to where you are... I will tell you this though... You sound like a very intelligent and thoughtful person who likes to get to the core of every issue... Don't give up, figure out what specifically is bothering you and why, and you'll find you're own answer... have fun, Life's not a destination, it's a joy ride.

justavoice1989 · June 2011

sounds to me like you need to get out of that bad environment. maybe you could go live with your dad and step mom?

Nothing strengthens a mother/daughter relationship like not having to live together. SERIOUSLY.

But with that being said, it sounds like a totally normal relationship. Kids and parents fight, especially when they see each other all the time. Thats life.

Parents are many times not supportive at all in our weight loss or getting healthy endeavors. In fact, I haven't told a single family member that I am changing my life. When they see me, they will know. (I don't visit family very often) Its not really their fault. Many times they have no idea HOW to help. After all, usually they aren't very healthy, hence why you learned bad habits (Usually)

You need to be strong not only for yourself, but for your best friend. If you don't get healthy, it will LITERALLY kill you and her.

If you need any support, there is TONS of encouraging people on this forum that are willing to give you any assistance or advice.

even tho it might seem like a normal teenage mother daughter relationship... its not. its lacking a bit of emotional support on the moms side. she says sorry but does NOTHING to change it or make it better... seems to me like she might be saying it for her own consience then actually meaning it. especially if she didnt read the info on the site you gave her... i know damn well that my mom would have checked me into a shrink and would have talked to me regularly to make sure i was emotionally okay and not going to bad habits, binging or anorexia. two very very opposite extemes.

eitherway, i hope living with your dad and stepmom will be better.

zorbaru · June 2011

its relevant to the extent that the advice of "move away" etc arent applicable.

xxsweet · June 2011

Ok first off.. Im surprised I've gotten so many replies so fast.. thanks for that, and for the honesty.

I know there will always be something with whoever I live with..Im just a little surprised at the lack of support on this because she's supportive about most things regarding my health ... at least if they go along with her beliefs.

regarding my age... Im still 14. my profile says 18 because it has to for me to be on here.. and I need this site (because I AM trying to get healthy independently)

ashfuse · June 2011

you can perhaps try viewing those food logs that are public (mine is) and use what we eat as an example to steer you in the right direction as far as eating. As for how you are feeling emotionally, you should write your mom a really long email explaining to her how you feel. Email may be easier than talking (at first) so you are able to get your feelings out without interruption.

meajj · June 2011

I read everything you said and you are not a whiny teenage brat. I am almost 21 and I have a 16 year old sister so I know a teenage brat when I see one and that is not you. I had a best friend in high school who had a verbally abusive, and controlling father, and she was anorexic. She got down to like 86 pounds I think and almost died. I cant imagine being anorexic, I am very much so the opposite lol. And your home life sounds really hard but you still sound so grateful to have it, which is good because if you can not hate your family then hopefully things will get better in the future. You seem to want to get help and get better and if your mother wont listen then you should find someone who will, talk to a guidance counselor at school if you trust them, or another adult you trust. If your family cant be mature enough to get you help when you are asking for it, then that shows that you are justified in being upset. My friend who is anorexic let it get really bad, and she constantly denied it and was forced into hospitalization and it doesnt sound like you need that it sounds like you know you need help and want it. I dont know you at all but I believe that you can do it...I just want you to know that friend that had nothing and was letting herself waste away moved out right after high school and is now married and a mother, I lost touch with her but I know that she still struggles but she is with people who care about her and help her and she is going to be ok, and so will you.
I hope this helped.

xxsweet · June 2011

BLT guy: that actually makes sense.. thanks. Other new post: you're helpful too.. thank you.

xxsweet · June 2011

meajj: I hadn't seen your post yet.. I can't see a guidance councler.. Im home schooled. your post made me feel better right now though.

zorbaru · June 2011

meajj: I hadn't seen your post yet.. I can't see a guidance councler.. Im home schooled. your post made me feel better right now though.

home schooling is probably adding to the issues as well. if your mother is part of the issue, then by being homeschooled you are pretty much with her 24/7

when you move with your dad will you be going to a regular school? if so then perhaps see the guidance councellor there.
im guessing it is summer holidays there now? so you wouldnt be able to go until the new school year anyways.

natskedat · June 2011

Forgot to add in my message that my mom totally denied the EDs. It was her way of (not) dealing with a tremendously painful subject from her own past that was passed along in the family. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or want the best. It means she may not be emotionally equipped to handle it. You must take charge of it yourself. You're the only one who can fix you.

It gets better.

auntiebabs · June 2011

1)
Is there a counselor at school you can talk to? That might be a good place to start.

2)
5 ft and 110 lbs is not fat --- 5 ft 3 and 123 is not fat
both of these weights fall smack dab in the middle of the healthy weight category.
BMI is a guideline that helps you guage an appropriate weight for your height. It's a good starting point.

Your body is a vehicle that you need to get you through your entire life.
Work to make yourself strong enough to dance and swim and hike and kayak and horseback ride and climb trees and do cartwheels anything else you can think of. Feeling strong feels amazing!

Seeing my own Mom's broken body is what motivated me to start watching my health. I've started late in the game. You're young you can build new habits that will improve the rest of your life.

4)
Use MFP to watch that you are getting enough nutrition first and foremost. I want you to be a kickass girl

3)
Be gentle with yourself. Small and consistent changes. You have enough stress in your life. Revamping everything in your life could cause more. It just gives you more SHOULDs to live up to. Look for small changes that you can work into you lifestyle. Every few weeks add a couple more small changes

This is an endurance event. It's not about getting to the finish first, but learning healthy habits that will last you a lifetime. (I know it sounds corny and at your young age your body seems to be able take a lot of abuse, but there are some things that won't show up till later.

Mostly I think "AM I DOING BETTER THAN BEFORE I WAS WATCHING?"
As long as I"m moving in the right direction I make an effort to stick with it.

It someway I feel like I haven't given you enough
In others I feel like I've given you too much.
Anyway I hope there is at least one helpful bit that you'll be able to hold on to.

Good Luck

xxsweet · June 2011

I wont be going to school but I'll be taking classes, and I'll be able to see a doctor and (I think) therapist. I could in theory see a therapist now.. but we don't really have enough money, so it'd add to my mom's stress. Also my mom tends to ask details about stuff like that.. I saw a therapist for a little while when I was little-ish, just to see if it was helpful for anything.. but my mom couldn't really afford it anymore so I stopped.

meajj: haha yeah you sound like a big sis. thanks for your support

YooHoonewyou · June 2011

First of all, I don't think that it is right for people to be telling this possible (child) that it is a bad enviornment and that she needs to leave. Get real. Having a stepdad and a cpl sisters is not a bad thing. You asked if you were being a whiney brat. I would hate to make a judgement call, but it kind of sounds so to me. Sounds like your problem with (possible) anorexia is coming from a poor self image of yourself. I mean come on! Look at the TV and everything else in this world. No wonder we all go around hating how we look. The Mother / Daughter relationship is a very, very complicated one. I assure you, your mother loves you! One day when you are a Mother you will understand this. Her position is not an easy one, she has other children too. I'm sure that you miss being the baby and having her undivided attention, but it's called reality. You are growing and changing, you cannot go backwards. Just try to make the best of what you have. There are people in this world who have it so much worse. There is no such thing as a perfect family. Trust me! Even the ones that you may look at and wish that you were them...it is just a dillusion! We all have crap! It sounds like you have alot on your mind and feelings that you need to express. Love is a two way street. Write your Mom a letter. Go help her do something in the kitchen...whatever! I think we spend way too much time trying to "label" ourelves these days. Come on! If someone makes their bed, we call them OCD! If a child has energy, we call them ADHD! This is insane! I don't know if you are truly anorexic or not, but I can tell you one thing, I believe that if your Mom thought so, she wouldn't be ignoring what you are saying. Most people who are truly anorexic HIDE it! They do not go tell their parents.

auntiebabs · June 2011

I want help.. I'll probably have to tell my dad whats going on..

That sounds like a pretty good idea.

xxsweet · June 2011

I do still help her out.. I know she loves me.. it's just complicated. I know there are people who have it way worse.. I keep that in mind constantly. I did hide it for months.. and denied it for months.

I appreciate your honesty.

MegaMech · August 2011

Anytime.

Please, please read this..

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