My husband and I do not diet together well.
HannahMCrain
Posts: 13 Member
So, let me start with the fact that I am a very overweight young woman. My husband has always been tall and lean. In the past, we've eaten very poorly. Like, ate fast food every day and sometimes twice a day poorly. Three weeks ago we saw a medical nutritionist that recommended a whole foods, plant based diet. That means VEGAN. And not just that, but no oil, low sugar, low salt, and no corn syrup of any kind. It's pretty tough. We've been doing it, and for the first two weeks we did it almost flawlessly. In the last week, we've been cheating a bit, like for example I had my vegan curry and rice for breakfast, but for lunch I had a chicken cup noodle (they're one of my favorite things ok?). Whenever we both cheat together it's pretty ok. He still looks at me like I'm failing a little bit, but whatever. But god forbid I cheat on the diet without him. He judges me harshly and says things like well I'm gonna have to start hiding this here and that there or well you might as well do whatever you want because this isn't happening clearly. I understand that in order to be successful, you have to be strict with yourself most of the time. I get that. But my goal is to change my diet for the long term. If I can't have at least a little bit of my favorite things, I know I won't last. He seems to make me feel like a failure at every turn. I'm thinking maybe I should just diet without him? That would be tough because we do everything together. I love him very much. It's just this one thing. I don't know. Thoughts? Encouragement? Any one else go through this with their spouse?
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It is hard when you and your spouse have different diets. I know because I lost 60lbs while my ex didn't loose any and we didn't make much if any food changes since he cooked 5 days a week.
It sounds like he is pissed because he went from eating foods he could just fine and maintain weight to eating a diet he probably doesn't want to eat because it is what is best for your health. He is doing things he doesn't have to do, nor needs to do for you. So when you slack it makes him probably feel like why am I eating this vegan crap if she isn't. Sorry being blunt but that's how I would feel.
No encouragement because me and my ex would argue weekly about my "addiction" to working out 3 or 4 days a week and weighing my foods, or bothering him by asking what methods he cooked foods.0 -
Why do you have to go completely vegan? A whole foods, plant based diet does not necessarily mean vegan, it just means that most of your foods should be. Think something around 80/20% (80% whole foods, 20% anything else.) I get how you want to be healthier, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Take baby steps. Start with one meal a day, and gradually expand it. You need to make changes you can stick with and that make you feel better, physically and mentally.0
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Go see a better nutritionist because the one you have sounds TERRIBLE0
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Okay so what qualifications does this nutritionist have? Most of them did a weekend course and bought that title as compared to a dietician who is university-educated.
That diet sounds like a joke that you won't be able to stick with for any length of time at all. You don't need all that anyway. Just eat less food. That's all it takes to lose weight.0 -
DancingMoosie wrote: »Why do you have to go completely vegan? A whole foods, plant based diet does not necessarily mean vegan, it just means that most of your foods should be. Think something around 80/20% (80% whole foods, 20% anything else.) I get how you want to be healthier, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Take baby steps. Start with one meal a day, and gradually expand it. You need to make changes you can stick with and that make you feel better, physically and mentally.
Agree... plant-based doesn't equal vegan... and there's no health issue I can think of that would cause a nutritionist to tell you to go vegan... Sounds to me like they were telling you to eat more vegetables.0 -
I'm leaving this awesome thread here.. Read and you'll definitely realize why you've being so hard on yourself:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1235566/so-youre-new-here/p10 -
Sorry, let me clarify. He's a PA, so just a step down from MD. He's not some quack at a gym somewhere. I was referred to him by my PCP.
And yes, unfortunately my husband does have an "all or nothing" mentality. Drives me insane in times like these. Even the nutritionist said we don't have to cut out meat and dairy completely. He said to dramatically reduce it. So his ideal is probably somewhere around 5% meat and dairy. It's my husband that is the nut job in this situation.
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+1 to thisThat diet sounds like a joke that you won't be able to stick with for any length of time at all. You don't need all that anyway. Just eat less food. That's all it takes to lose weight.
Don't cut out anything now that you don't plan on literally giving up forever.
Just learn to eat it in moderation.0 -
My first thought was, since your profile is not filled out, that perhaps you are classified as *"super" morbid obese cuz the medical nutritionist was so drastic in your meal plan. It appears this is life or death for you?? Then yes, I can see where your hubby would be pissed. He's watching you die. it hurts him to watch you cheat on your diet because to him every forkful off the recommendation is a nail in your coffin. I know. I've been there. Watching a loved one eat themselves into the grave. Its not fun. Its not pretty. And it sucks for the person watching!
If you are NOT in this class of "super" and are NOT in jeopardy of dying/stroking out/heart attack, and are trying to justify to your husband, who clearly wants whats best for you, that you HAVE to eat something not recommended....then WHY? Your husband is eating stuff to support YOU. And YOU are the one who is not holding up your end of the bargain here.
I am sure he has hopes & dreams as you do, family, kids, future....he's watching you eat away his dream, too.
Sorry to be so blunt. You did ask for thoughts. Am not trying to be mean.
*("super" morbid obese is classed as someone with greater than 50% BMI)0 -
I don't feel like being mostly vegan is out of the question for us. But let's refocus, I'm happy with my PA. It's my husband that's getting on my nerves.
On the flip side, if I'm disappointed in myself for something NOT diet related, he tells me I'm too hard on myself and that I'm doing really well, etc. for example, I give myself injections of Humira, and I screwed up an injection about a month ago. I was really upset because it was all my fault cus I'm such a *kitten* about it. So this week, he helped me with my injection and was really supportive and we did it together successfully. It makes his attitude towards my diet even more puzzling.0 -
allaboutthecake,
Yes, I am right at 50% BMI. HOWEVER, my blood work is perfect. I am not even close to diabetic. My cholesterol is normal. I am not even deficient in any nutrients (shockingly, my diet was abhorrent). I am on this diet because it is supposed to help my skin. I have moderate plaque psoriasis (that's what the Humira shots are for). That's the only thing health wise that I'm attempting to repair. The other 70% is that I just want to look better. So, exactly no nails in the coffin.0 -
My PCP actually only referred me to the PA because I asked her to, haha.0
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You need a new nutritionist--One with a lot less woo to peddle. You need to lose weight, but you also need to do it I'm a sustainable fashion. Learn portions and macros, then worry about adding on the bells and whistles.0
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I am a big baby so I'd flip out if my husband spoke to me like that. Doesn't matter if he's worried for me are not. He needs to be nice. I would work out the cheating food stuff. It will get old fast having those spats. You didn't say how long you have been married, but if it's a short time, remember that it takes years to work all this stuff out. Then things change again and you have to work it out again. Gets easier as you know each other as a married couple better.
Going from fast food (assuming high calories) to much lower calories along with eating vegan seems unreasonably drastic unless you are eating vegan for reasons beyond calories.
If he doesn't has to lose weight and just wants to eat better, I would remove him from the weight loss stuff. Cook good meals and eat out at places that have reasonable meals that can fit in your calorie allowance.
I usually only eat with my husband at night and on weekends because he works. We probably do every man for himself 2 nights a week. He wants something that I can't fit or I want something that won't fill him up. We eat together. It's not a big deal.
Lots of vegans here have great tasty meals whether losing or maintaining their weight. There are many more people who didn't change their eating habits drastically besides the amount of calories they consume.0 -
hannahmattison31 wrote: »allaboutthecake,
Yes, I am right at 50% BMI. HOWEVER, my blood work is perfect. I am not even close to diabetic. My cholesterol is normal. I am not even deficient in any nutrients (shockingly, my diet was abhorrent). I am on this diet because it is supposed to help my skin. I have moderate plaque psoriasis (that's what the Humira shots are for). That's the only thing health wise that I'm attempting to repair. The other 70% is that I just want to look better. So, exactly no nails in the coffin.
Thanks for the clarification.
You said "... you might as well do whatever you want because this isn't happening clearly".... this statement from him tells me he doesn't believe you really want to better yourself, healthy skin or otherwise. And my thought on the plant-based diet is definitely to help your skin. What would you rather do, change your eating habits or take expensive shots?
At any rate, it sounds like your end of the bargain needs to be tightened up in order for your husband to have confidence that you mean business. What that is, only YOU can make that decision.
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hannahmattison31 wrote: »We've been doing it, and for the first two weeks we did it almost flawlessly. In the last week, we've been cheating a bit, like for example I had my vegan curry and rice for breakfast, but for lunch I had a chicken cup noodle (they're one of my favorite things ok?).
First of all, in order to lose weight all you need to do is to eat fewer calories than you're burning. CICO.
But if you or someone feels this diet is necessary for some reason ...
What if you stuck to the diet for the next month? One whole month ... no cheating.
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I can and will lose weight. I have lost 12 lbs already and I'm really proud of that. I understand why my husband thinks I'm going to fail, he's heard it many times before. I think I've made at least 4 solid attempts at losing weight in the 7 years we've been together. I never lasted more than a two weeks on any diet before giving up completely. The fact that it's been three and I still want to diet tells me I'm in it for the long haul this time. I just still don't know what that diet is going to look like yet. I just wish he'd have faith in me to do it! Since it's NOT life or death he should just be supportive and not mean. I have no one to blame but myself for my weight but it would sure be easier if I had a partner that was a little more empathetic.
Also note, my psoriasis is on my hands and feet, making exercise and food prep difficult. well, making everything difficult actually.
I'm starting to think a more CICO focus is more the way to go, especially to start out.
I'd love a dieting partner but I'm with my husband every day. He's the logical choice. And most of my friends are thin. The ones that are my size are definitely not willing to workout and diet with me. I feel like I'm stranded on an island!0 -
This is how I know I have a problem. My husband and I just had it out and all I wanna do is go get tacos. Because that will fix it.
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Just tell him you don't want to be vegan. At least try plain old vegitarian first, with say one or two meals a week where you eat fish or chicken. Compromise. Going straight up vegan is a little extreme.0
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Is your husband looking at the nutritional details and how things add up for the day?
The approach is not only too strict/unsustainable, but it likely doesn't add up to a healthy set of macros.
In your situation, I would get him involved in tracking and looking at the details. One can have an incredibly healthy diet which includes *some* meat and dairy. Going completely vegan is likely giving you way too many carbs and not enough protein.
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The only reason you should become vegan is because you want to. Being vegan doesn't automatically make you thin. It's an eating style not a diet.0
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Congrats on the 12 pounds and the three weeks
No oil, no salt and so on --- that is silly.
Plan to eat the way that is going to work for you. Your husband will back off if the two of you stop talking about food so much.
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Give up on the vegan diet. That would be enough to drive almost anyone mad....0
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Did you force a way of life on him he doesn't need or want and constantly get mad when you don't succeed, thus causing him frustration when you don't make an attempt?0
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DancingMoosie wrote: »Why do you have to go completely vegan? A whole foods, plant based diet does not necessarily mean vegan, it just means that most of your foods should be. Think something around 80/20% (80% whole foods, 20% anything else.) I get how you want to be healthier, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Take baby steps. Start with one meal a day, and gradually expand it. You need to make changes you can stick with and that make you feel better, physically and mentally.
That is great, sensible advice. Thanks for the encouragement and the for reminder that this doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing.0 -
hannahmattison31 wrote: »I can and will lose weight. I have lost 12 lbs already and I'm really proud of that. I understand why my husband thinks I'm going to fail, he's heard it many times before. I think I've made at least 4 solid attempts at losing weight in the 7 years we've been together. I never lasted more than a two weeks on any diet before giving up completely. The fact that it's been three and I still want to diet tells me I'm in it for the long haul this time. I just still don't know what that diet is going to look like yet. I just wish he'd have faith in me to do it! Since it's NOT life or death he should just be supportive and not mean. I have no one to blame but myself for my weight but it would sure be easier if I had a partner that was a little more empathetic.
Also note, my psoriasis is on my hands and feet, making exercise and food prep difficult. well, making everything difficult actually.
I'm starting to think a more CICO focus is more the way to go, especially to start out.
I'd love a dieting partner but I'm with my husband every day. He's the logical choice. And most of my friends are thin. The ones that are my size are definitely not willing to workout and diet with me. I feel like I'm stranded on an island!
It sounds like you need to have a very frank conversation with your dietitian AND your hubby....preferably when you are both not hungry! Be honest with him. He's spending cash on this diet that YOU wanted. From his point of view, he is sick of listening to your complaints (that's what girlfriends are for, btw) and just wants the freedom to eat what he wants. Stop blaming him for being "mean" and "non-supportive." (It sounds like whining to me.) Reschedule with your dietitian and work this out for the better. Celebrate your 12lb loss to a start of a new you. Your hubby doesn't have faith in you for the long haul? He's been with you for 7yrs & you've tried to lose weight for less than a handful of times and weren't successful. And now your fighting...over a diet....look at the big picture here. You aren't going to be 150lbs smaller in a few weeks or months (or whatever it is that you need to lose). So stop complaining to him about it, get back with your dietitian who you said you really like, adjust your choices of foods to eat, and focus on what you need to do.
I say this with all the virtual love and support I can give you, as one who has given love & support to a best friend IRL.
(btw, I've known plenty of people to lose significant weight who could not exercise at all. For them, it was all about calories and portion control.)0 -
Gosh, this process does not have to be so over complicated. Why not eat what you already enjoy eating? Adhere to the MFP deficit and just do that? You do not have to exercise to do this.
I will add that your weight loss is "your" weight loss to bear...I get the husband and wife thing and doing it together!
For anyone who has a spouse, there has to be compromise and meeting in the middle. If not, a person has to do their own thing.. being blunt here, but it just that way and that simple.
This does not have to be difficult, it does not have to include misery, it does not have to include anxiety or loads of stress.. It starts with baby steps, even creating mini goals, the weight did not come on in a matter of months and it will not come of any faster by trying to fight against what needs to be done to accomplish weight loss.
Drop the vegan, work on adhering to the deficit and you two work on eating plans that fit both your lifestyles and time together!!!
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I tried to lose weight for 15 years with different diets. I lost weight but I would always quit and regain because they weren't sustainable for me. It sounds like you are doing an unsustainable diet.
I have had the easiest and best success losing weight by just counting calories and eating all the foods I Iike so that is what I reccomend you do. Just log as accurately and stick to the calorie goal MFP gives you. Get enough protein. If you want to eat more meatless meals then do that but you do not have to go vegan to lose weight. You lost weight by eating less calories not by going vegan.
My family has not changed the way they eat just because I need to lose weight. They have different calorie needs and preferences than me. I'm eating most of the same foods as them, just appropriate portion sizes for me. My plate often has more vegetables or I have a salad on the side. I find pre-logging my whole day to be pretty helpful to sticking to my calorie goal and meeting my other goals.0 -
You both sound frustrated. If you both truly went from fast food to vegan for your health, then yeah, I can see him resenting if you cheat. But you don't know if that's what's bothering him until you ask him. Just talk to him! You can both get it out and then have some black bean tacos.0
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