Actively attempting recovery from Bulimia Nervosa

Warning; I am crippled by the fear of strangers judging me. This is a gritty synopsis of my life. Please, please, please....if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't post. I really am seeking support, not judgement.



I am a 24 year old female. I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past five years of my life.
I started losing weight healthily in 2011. I was almost 200 pounds, and then dropped it over 1.5 years through healthy restriction and exercise. I reached my goal weight of 135 pounds. The fear of gaining it back, of being a failure, was all consuming to me. The amount of will power I had felt impenetrable at that time. However, I slowly started slipping up. I began to overeat, to binge. It caused me so much shame and hurt. I coped by purging. It started slowly, and then quickly spun into a debilitating habit, one in which I would consume tens of thousands of calories and purge over thirty times a day. I dropped even more weight, to 115 pounds and felt even worse.
I have dealt with depression and anxiety, which I believe to be a symptom of my eating disorder, for the same amount of time.

All of this finally came to a head when I was arrested for domestic assault with a weapon. I was also attempting to shoot myself with my rifle that same night before I was stopped. Months of treatment followed. Way too many pills, way too many diagnoses.
I attempted an overdose suicide in November. I lived. I was reassigned a different psychologist and psychiatrist, which has drastically altered the course of my life thus far.

I have a very open and interesting relationship with my psychiatrist. We freely give one another feed back and opinions regarding my treatment. It is the most incredible experience ever. My anxiety and depression are quelled and life is so much more calm. My quality of life suffers mostly now from the bingeing and purging.
I would rather binge eat than be with family. I would sometimes rather binge eat than work. It is a sad existence to be so consumed by the desire to binge and throw up. It's constant.

My doctor has prescribed me Naltrexone currently, an unorthodox and off label treatment for bulimia, to help with the "addiction" to binging. I've only been on it four days, and I can't believe it, but I feel the fog clearing. I had been curious about Topamax off label after reading "Brain over Binge", in which a women was successfully treated for her eating disorder through it. We discussed it and settled on Naltrexone first since the side affects aren't as strong as Topamax. It is a very caring relationship, one I am grateful for.
The ones in my family who do know about my suicide attempt are actually as thankful for it as a I am. If I hadn't, I would still be receiving the same hopeless and never ending treatment I was receiving.'




What I am seeking are friends who are also on the same path to recovery, or ones who already are recovered. My diary and notes are open to the public. I just want to feel your guys' presence there, you don't need to actively speak to me or check in on me...just be my friend and let me take comfort in the fact that someone cares about my recovery. I want to help you, too. I want to know that there are people behind me.

Thank you for reading.
I am so sorry for the length of this!

-Tracey Leigh