I hate myself

Options
AminaMitchell
AminaMitchell Posts: 26 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I cannot explain how low disappointed and hatred i feel to myself right now . I have over eaten 6 days in a row including today. I have no self control in food but other aspects of my life. If i could find a way to hurt myself in the past i would .Now that i have stopped i overeat i have no control. i logged in my eating habits and made a big mistake not logging in as so as i made something to eat .or as soon as i eaten it. Shocked couldn't even begin to describe how i felt. Honestly i'ts pathetic how much i eat . I have always had issues with food but started binge eating when i was 7. And my weight and mental issues got worst when my mum had a stroke. I made a mistake of not taking to the hospital soon enough (why i still don't know) and i know how she is right now is my fault .so in a way for the past 4 years i have been using food for therapy to help my guilt. I dunno what to do i have failed everything and everyone and honestly the only reason why i'm here to to help look after my mother. i wanna lose weight but i don't deserve it. my habits are if i don't smoke, drink , or self harm i overeat. i will find a way to cope with life. at this moment of time i don't know what to do everytime i try to lose weight i gain waay more than i lost to the point i give up and put even more weight. i just don't know what to do anymore. sorry for the pathetic rant :(:o:/:s:'(:|

Replies

  • amyn73
    amyn73 Posts: 241 Member
    Options
    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Guilt can do a lot of bad things to a person. I look at what you've said about your life and think, "How said that you feel that way. I bet others would not judge you so harshly." We tend to be our own worst enemies in that regard. You may want to seek a counselor. They are excellent at putting some really good doses of perspective into our lives. Otherwise, just keep telling yourself, "I've made mistakes and I feel badly about them. I am not going to let them rule my life." That way you acknowledge how you feel but don't let it take over everything. Hope it helps and good luck. I know what you're going through is very difficult!
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Options
    I would also suggest a professional therapist or support group to help you work through your feelings. It is really hard to carry around all of that negativity and guilt.
    You'll have to develp different tools for dealing with your emotions.
  • Btheodore138
    Btheodore138 Posts: 182 Member
    Options
    When you get emotional and feel like binge eating, try finding other ways to make yourself feel better. Make a playlist of all the songs that make you feel good, put on headphones, and go for a walk or dance. Or find a Youtube video of something really funny or start a project. Start forgiving yourself and don't hate yourself...no matter what happened in your past or what you eat. Just tell yourself "Ok, that happened. Time to move on".
  • Asher_Ethan
    Asher_Ethan Posts: 2,430 Member
    Options
    I'm so sorry you feel this way. I definitely suggest you seek professional help as it sounds like you have a lot going on.
  • RaeRaeCampbell
    RaeRaeCampbell Posts: 9 Member
    Options
    My heart truly hurts for you. I promise it is going to be okay though. Whenever I have moments like this, I think about the vastness of the Universe and how my problems are so minimal in the grand scheme of things...if they are this small, I can certainly overcome them. Then I follow that up by thinking of all the times I've overcome my problems before. Sounds stupid, but it always works for me. I would recommend talking to a counselor though. Binge eating is a mental illness like anorexia or depression and it requires professional help. Please feel free to add me and keep in touch. I never mind being a sounding board for someone who can use an emotional boost! Hang in there!
  • vivmom2014
    vivmom2014 Posts: 1,647 Member
    Options
    Caregiving for your mother is a major responsibility; I hope you have help. A support group for caregivers may help. Also - if you can seek professional help for your feelings of low-self-worth, it could make a huge difference. You're carrying a lot on your shoulders. Reach out and ask for help. Remember: there's probably a lot more RIGHT with you than there is wrong!
  • peaceout_aly
    peaceout_aly Posts: 2,018 Member
    Options
    AminaMitchell wrote: »
    I cannot explain how low disappointed and hatred i feel to myself right now . I have over eaten 6 days in a row including today. I have no self control in food but other aspects of my life. If i could find a way to hurt myself in the past i would .Now that i have stopped i overeat i have no control. i logged in my eating habits and made a big mistake not logging in as so as i made something to eat .or as soon as i eaten it. Shocked couldn't even begin to describe how i felt. Honestly i'ts pathetic how much i eat . I have always had issues with food but started binge eating when i was 7. And my weight and mental issues got worst when my mum had a stroke. I made a mistake of not taking to the hospital soon enough (why i still don't know) and i know how she is right now is my fault .so in a way for the past 4 years i have been using food for therapy to help my guilt. I dunno what to do i have failed everything and everyone and honestly the only reason why i'm here to to help look after my mother. i wanna lose weight but i don't deserve it. my habits are if i don't smoke, drink , or self harm i overeat. i will find a way to cope with life. at this moment of time i don't know what to do everytime i try to lose weight i gain waay more than i lost to the point i give up and put even more weight. i just don't know what to do anymore. sorry for the pathetic rant :(:o:/:s:'(:|

    Tomorrow is a new day. Remind yourself of that. You are not defined by the food that you eat. Take a moment to yourself, breathe, and start to list the reasons why YOU ARE WORTH IT. A healthy lifestyle is something you must yearn for and stay dedicated to. Keep yourself motivated. You are trying, maybe attempt pre-logging your meals and snacks to keep you limited. Look up healthy lifestyle motivators on Instagram. That is where I found success. Surround yourself with healthy fitness inspiration where you feel motivated to go on, to pick yourself up and try again. You will have results, and with those results, you will get "addicted" to fitness.
  • Afura
    Afura Posts: 2,054 Member
    Options
    Don't feel that way. What happened, happened you have to let it go. There's no way to go in the past to fix it, so we have to fix ourselves going forward. Just remember, it's six days out of your entire life, just six. There are so many more coming up that you can do well in.
    I would echo the thought of talking to a therapist, it does help truly, if even just someone to talk to.
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,338 Member
    Options
    Oh honey, please go easy on yourself. Your body and mind hears every negative thing you say, and responds to that. You've put a lot of guilt on your own shoulders, I think it might be time to lessen your load, and forgive yourself. You DO deserve that, and more. You deserve to love yourself, and to be good to yourself, regardless of what you think you've done wrong in the past. If you can't overcome these feelings without hurting yourself, please seek help. A doctor, clergyman, therapist, auntie......whomever can help you to get control of these guilt feelings before it's too late. We only live one life, please try to find peace in yours!
  • MelisHawthorne
    MelisHawthorne Posts: 1 Member
    Options
    I have felt like this in the past.

    My partner was very sick in the past, partially due to a compromised immune system and in part due to a somewhat vicious attack on him before we met. Around two years ago he suffered a bad infacture, was generally malnourished as I was too large/ self concious to care for him effectively so his somewhat elderly father had to step in. Around that time, again two years ago, he was admitted to hospital and almost died.

    At the time I barely mustered the courage to go with him. The reason? Well, I was 60 ibs overweight and embarrassed to be seen. It seemed ridiculous and self centred at the time, and I hated myself for it. In truth I still do. Its my cross to bare, and I'm trying to make peace with it and do the best for him now.

    Around a year ago, a year after this incident and when he was (finally) released from hospital I pretty much had resolved to be healthier, and in a state where I wouldn't be humiliated to merely be seen by a stranger. Again, it sounds ridiculous in my head and it probably is. The only way I personally could rationalise improving my self esteem, not hating myself and having some sort of self worth is this: if you have someone depending on you, no matter how you feel you have let them down or betrayed them, you owe it to them. That's my driving force at least.

    A year on since then...yeah, I won't lie, I still feel awful most of the time. I dropped 70 odd pounds, have a BMI of around 20 and exercise like crazy. My partner's not exactly the same as he was, and sometimes it's hard looking him in the eye. But little by little I promised myself I'd do what I can in the time he/ I have left.
  • TxTiffani
    TxTiffani Posts: 798 Member
    Options
    You are human. We all are and there are things in all our pasts that we wish we could've handled differently. I know it must be hard for you. Is it possible that you refuse to let yourself succeed and are punishing yourself because of what happened to your mom? You are here for a reason and whether you believe it or not, you are a unique expression of God's love and you have a purpose:) My suggestion would be to have tiny goals and celebrate the heck out of them. I.e. Plan your days food (bfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack/dessert) then when you each of those meals exactly the way you planned throw a little mental party! Be proud of the small things so that together they add up to big victories!
  • AminaMitchell
    AminaMitchell Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    Thank you everybody for taking the time and opportunity to respond. You lot have helped me. Thank you for your kind words and advice and personal experience. I will try and take on board what everyone has said. Thank you all very much. It's hard to take the positive words i would rather negative but i guess thats just how i am. I think i do need to see my doctor again .
  • AminaMitchell
    AminaMitchell Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    MelisHawthorne wrote: »
    I have felt like this in the past.

    My partner was very sick in the past, partially due to a compromised immune system and in part due to a somewhat vicious attack on him before we met. Around two years ago he suffered a bad infacture, was generally malnourished as I was too large/ self concious to care for him effectively so his somewhat elderly father had to step in. Around that time, again two years ago, he was admitted to hospital and almost died.

    At the time I barely mustered the courage to go with him. The reason? Well, I was 60 ibs overweight and embarrassed to be seen. It seemed ridiculous and self centred at the time, and I hated myself for it. In truth I still do. Its my cross to bare, and I'm trying to make peace with it and do the best for him now.

    Around a year ago, a year after this incident and when he was (finally) released from hospital I pretty much had resolved to be healthier, and in a state where I wouldn't be humiliated to merely be seen by a stranger. Again, it sounds ridiculous in my head and it probably is. The only way I personally could rationalise improving my self esteem, not hating myself and having some sort of self worth is this: if you have someone depending on you, no matter how you feel you have let them down or betrayed them, you owe it to them. That's my driving force at least.

    A year on since then...yeah, I won't lie, I still feel awful most of the time. I dropped 70 odd pounds, have a BMI of around 20 and exercise like crazy. My partner's not exactly the same as he was, and sometimes it's hard looking him in the eye. But little by little I promised myself I'd do what I can in the time he/ I have left.

    Wow i have no words thank you for being honest and telling me about your life. and I completely understand and won't judge. You are a inspirational person i wish you nothing but the best you and your loved one.
  • ashleyjongepier
    ashleyjongepier Posts: 130 Member
    Options
    I used to self harm pretty bad, and then when I stopped I started drinking and then when I stopped that I started to over eat more than normal, to the point of being in pain since I seemed to wire myself to feel good after causing myself pain.

    I can relate to how you feel, when I was 13 I went to my grandmas to use the phone (grounded off it at home) she asked me to help her into the tub and I did, it didn't dawn on me that I would have to help her out since I asked and she said no she was fine to get out. Mom tried calling her for hours no answer, we go there and shes been in the tub for 4 hours in now ice cold water. This caused her to have a series of mini strokes and after this she ended up in a home vs living in an apartment. I have felt so bad about this for years and still do.

    I have some "clairvoyant" tendencies and when she died she let me know that I can't hold on to feeling like I caused her death. (It still sits as one of my biggest regrets in life.)

    My advice to you is to talk to your doctor. Get your life in a better place before worrying about anything else. And when you do start, start slow. Keeping my calories higher (as suggested by some mfp members) has helped me not to binge eat as much. Working out has become an outlet for me rather than any self harm.

    I hope you find peace <3
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    Options
    AminaMitchell wrote: »
    I cannot explain how low disappointed and hatred i feel to myself right now .

    Honestly, nothing you can do eating or exercise wise will help you long term if you cannot change your heart and love for yourself. You will continually ride little highs and too many lows to be successful. But you can change that!

    The saying goes, "There are always people who will tell you that you can't do something, or that you are a failure, or that will treat you like crap. Just make sure you are not one of them."

    All the best.

  • serasmommy
    serasmommy Posts: 61 Member
    Options
    Hugs to you, I'm so sorry that life has been rough. It's hard. There are feelings and honestly, I don't know how to deal with many many of mine! But I empathize. If you can get help, do so! Don't keep it all to yourself for years and years.
  • AminaMitchell
    AminaMitchell Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    Thank you for the kind comments they all have been very helpful indeed. very much appreciated
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    Options
    Please talk to a therapist. This goes beyond anything an online forum can really help with. As you said, to help others, like your mother, you first need to help yourself. This is where mental health professionals come into the picture. Please seek support in real life. Good luck.
  • positivepowers
    positivepowers Posts: 902 Member
    Options
    OP, I know you did not specifically say you were suicidal, but you did mention hurting yourself. Please call the number below and speak with them. They can help by directing you to help.

    1 (800) 273-8255

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


    Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

    Languages: English, Spanish

    Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Categories