I hate myself

I would also suggest a professional therapist or support group to help you work through your feelings. It is really hard to carry around all of that negativity and guilt.
You'll have to develp different tools for dealing with your emotions.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I definitely suggest you seek professional help as it sounds like you have a lot going on.

Caregiving for your mother is a major responsibility; I hope you have help. A support group for caregivers may help. Also - if you can seek professional help for your feelings of low-self-worth, it could make a huge difference. You're carrying a lot on your shoulders. Reach out and ask for help. Remember: there's probably a lot more RIGHT with you than there is wrong!

Don't feel that way. What happened, happened you have to let it go. There's no way to go in the past to fix it, so we have to fix ourselves going forward. Just remember, it's six days out of your entire life, just six. There are so many more coming up that you can do well in.
I would echo the thought of talking to a therapist, it does help truly, if even just someone to talk to.

I have felt like this in the past.

My partner was very sick in the past, partially due to a compromised immune system and in part due to a somewhat vicious attack on him before we met. Around two years ago he suffered a bad infacture, was generally malnourished as I was too large/ self concious to care for him effectively so his somewhat elderly father had to step in. Around that time, again two years ago, he was admitted to hospital and almost died.

At the time I barely mustered the courage to go with him. The reason? Well, I was 60 ibs overweight and embarrassed to be seen. It seemed ridiculous and self centred at the time, and I hated myself for it. In truth I still do. Its my cross to bare, and I'm trying to make peace with it and do the best for him now.

Around a year ago, a year after this incident and when he was (finally) released from hospital I pretty much had resolved to be healthier, and in a state where I wouldn't be humiliated to merely be seen by a stranger. Again, it sounds ridiculous in my head and it probably is. The only way I personally could rationalise improving my self esteem, not hating myself and having some sort of self worth is this: if you have someone depending on you, no matter how you feel you have let them down or betrayed them, you owe it to them. That's my driving force at least.

A year on since then...yeah, I won't lie, I still feel awful most of the time. I dropped 70 odd pounds, have a BMI of around 20 and exercise like crazy. My partner's not exactly the same as he was, and sometimes it's hard looking him in the eye. But little by little I promised myself I'd do what I can in the time he/ I have left.

I used to self harm pretty bad, and then when I stopped I started drinking and then when I stopped that I started to over eat more than normal, to the point of being in pain since I seemed to wire myself to feel good after causing myself pain.

I can relate to how you feel, when I was 13 I went to my grandmas to use the phone (grounded off it at home) she asked me to help her into the tub and I did, it didn't dawn on me that I would have to help her out since I asked and she said no she was fine to get out. Mom tried calling her for hours no answer, we go there and shes been in the tub for 4 hours in now ice cold water. This caused her to have a series of mini strokes and after this she ended up in a home vs living in an apartment. I have felt so bad about this for years and still do.

I have some "clairvoyant" tendencies and when she died she let me know that I can't hold on to feeling like I caused her death. (It still sits as one of my biggest regrets in life.)

My advice to you is to talk to your doctor. Get your life in a better place before worrying about anything else. And when you do start, start slow. Keeping my calories higher (as suggested by some mfp members) has helped me not to binge eat as much. Working out has become an outlet for me rather than any self harm.

I hope you find peace

Hugs to you, I'm so sorry that life has been rough. It's hard. There are feelings and honestly, I don't know how to deal with many many of mine! But I empathize. If you can get help, do so! Don't keep it all to yourself for years and years.

Please talk to a therapist. This goes beyond anything an online forum can really help with. As you said, to help others, like your mother, you first need to help yourself. This is where mental health professionals come into the picture. Please seek support in real life. Good luck.