Fat Divorced Sister

mhosner
mhosner Posts: 264 Member
edited December 1 in Getting Started
As the middle girl I have always looked up to my older sister. Rightfully so.. She is perfect. Perfect skin, hair, body, family, job, etc.. You get the picture.. I was doing really well competing. I had lost a bunch of weight, married, good job, and 3 amazing kids.. That all changed over the past 2 years. I just have the amazing kids but the rest well not so much. I got divorced and found myself struggling to get a handle on the juggling act I now call normal life. I gained all the weight I worked so hard to lose and now it's been 2 years since I have seen my perfect sister and I have a trip planned over the 4th of July to see her. I want so badly to not feel like the fat sister who failed life. I want to be able to enjoy hikes again. I want to fit my summer clothes I currently own (can't afford to buy new). All of this you would think would be a huge motivator but for some reason it's not.

I need help trying to find motivation.

Replies

  • groetzinger659
    groetzinger659 Posts: 47 Member
    Sorry that you have lost your way. Just start small steps daily.

    For me I do 10 minutes of jogging in place or walk fast for 10 min-if I tell myself to do an hour of exercise then forget I am too busy.

    By breaking it up in 5 or 10 minute blocks-it is easier to reach my goals. I have started here 10 days ago. I am pushing into sz 16 clothes and decided enough is enough! I gained 40 lbs since October because I cant stop eating candy and cookies..so I have slowly played the switching diet=instead of a cookie I eat a banana or orange etc type of things. Its not the same. The first 2 weeks are the hardest for us to change our habits. I still crave junk. I ate one cookie last night. Instead of a bag. Then ate a handful of grapes.

    my other vice is potato chips and French fries. I still eat them but I buy baked instead of deep fried. I still miss them. For now I am sticking to salads, tuna, chicken, nuts etc until I loose my first 10 lbs and once I can rein in this beast for junk food then maybe I will let myself eat what I want..getting moving and eating different things is the hardest part.
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,642 Member
    edited April 2016
    mhosner wrote: »
    As the middle girl I have always looked up to my older sister. Rightfully so.. She is perfect. Perfect skin, hair, body, family, job, etc.. You get the picture.. I was doing really well competing. I had lost a bunch of weight, married, good job, and 3 amazing kids.. That all changed over the past 2 years. I just have the amazing kids but the rest well not so much. I got divorced and found myself struggling to get a handle on the juggling act I now call normal life. I gained all the weight I worked so hard to lose and now it's been 2 years since I have seen my perfect sister and I have a trip planned over the 4th of July to see her. I want so badly to not feel like the fat sister who failed life. I want to be able to enjoy hikes again. I want to fit my summer clothes I currently own (can't afford to buy new). All of this you would think would be a huge motivator but for some reason it's not.

    I need help trying to find motivation.

    I'm sorry you feel this way. :( But honestly, if your sister has issues with you (her own blood) simply because you have gained weight, gotten divorced or any other life altering situation then it's her problem and not yours and it's not very nice of her either. A blood relative should be able to accept you as who you are. Family are the people that we should be able to feel most comfortable and safest with.

    With that, I had my last child in 2009, split from my husband in 2010 when she was an infant, dated a couple of crazy men, went back to school, got a job, had 3 children to juggle working 3rd shift and them in daycare/school. Met the man of my dreams in 2012 and married him last year in 2015 and along the way I had managed to gain 50 lbs. It's been quite the struggle for me weight-wise with all the stress but it happens. It's life. You can do this! Feel free to add me as a friend.
  • falalaholly
    falalaholly Posts: 27 Member
    I am in no way, shape, or form a therapist or anything of the such, but... I do have 4 sisters, a step sister and 3 step brothers... I am no stranger to feeling like I need to compete with my sisters (being the youngest girl). Who's the skinniest, prettiest, most fashionable, smartest, most popular, who's the best at organizing and multi-tasking, etc. Literally anything you can think of, we all tried to compete at.

    It sounds like you are mentally competing with her and if she is competing with you...its unhealthy above teen ages (in my personal opinion). Everyone has their own lives to live. Your story is completely different than hers regardless if you're blood sisters or not! You need to start looking at life as your own book and try to start writing your own chapters, your sister is just a character that you let get a main role in your book as a villain (subconsciously). You need to be the main character in your own book and let her be a smaller supporting character. Hopefully this helps!
  • itsbasschick
    itsbasschick Posts: 1,584 Member
    working out gently and getting to a healthy weight (you don't mention your current weight and height) is taking care of yourself. it sounds like you could use that feeling of being taken care of, and if you're gentler and kinder to yourself, you will learn to accept that and feel better. learn about nutrition and feeding yourself well, taking walks to spend time thinking and getting fit.

    perhaps you would be happier if you learned not to value yourself based so much on what you weigh. and also on not thinking your sister is perfect - she isn't. whether or not she lets you know what they are, i guarantee you she has problems, too.
  • LLT38
    LLT38 Posts: 172 Member
    To me, it sounds like you need to get a handle on why you are constantly comparing yourself with your sister. As long as you look to someone to validate you, you will never find happiness. You said you have 3 kids. What if one of them told you that he/she felt like a failure at life because of their sibling's life? What if your kids feel inadequate because they blame themselves for how you are feeling? That's the behaviour you are modeling for your kids now by feeling dissatisfied with your life based on sibling rivalry. As a mother, I ask myself these kinds of questions because I don't want to ruin my daughter's childhood based on my issues. You may find that once you free yourself up from these negative thought patterns, you will have the energy to devote to your health again. Good luck.
  • jaynee7283
    jaynee7283 Posts: 160 Member
    NOBODY is perfect or has a perfect life. Not even your sister.

    This was shown to me when a friend of mine who seemingly was living the most amazing, successful life turned out to be living a life of horror at home - an abusive, controlling, functioning alcoholic husband. But on Facebook and other places, her life looked AMAZING. When she finally got up the courage to leave him, many of us were shocked. When she eventually told us why she left him, we were doubly shocked. No one had ANY IDEA. Her husband was nothing but charming in public, but he was a monster at home to the point where she begged the court to ONLY allow monitored visitation when it was time for the kids to see him.

    Fortunately, the judge agreed after all evidence was put before him during the highly contested custody battle.

    So don't worry about your perfect sister - there's likely something in her life that is not perfect, but she's not showing it.

    As for motivation, don't do it for ANYONE but yourself.
  • agbmom556
    agbmom556 Posts: 694 Member
    Have you heard the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side." Do not waste your time worrying about impressing your sister. Work on yourself for Yourself. Life is too short.
  • agbmom556
    agbmom556 Posts: 694 Member
    jaynee7283 wrote: »
    NOBODY is perfect or has a perfect life. Not even your sister.

    This was shown to me when a friend of mine who seemingly was living the most amazing, successful life turned out to be living a life of horror at home - an abusive, controlling, functioning alcoholic husband. But on Facebook and other places, her life looked AMAZING. When she finally got up the courage to leave him, many of us were shocked. When she eventually told us why she left him, we were doubly shocked. No one had ANY IDEA. Her husband was nothing but charming in public, but he was a monster at home to the point where she begged the court to ONLY allow monitored visitation when it was time for the kids to see him.

    Fortunately, the judge agreed after all evidence was put before him during the highly contested custody battle.

    So don't worry about your perfect sister - there's likely something in her life that is not perfect, but she's not showing it.

    As for motivation, don't do it for ANYONE but yourself.

    Thanks for posting Jaynee.
    I am in my 40's and have seen this happen over and over again with couples. Everything looks perfect on the outside ....but in reality ... it is hell.
    Please do not waste your time wishing your life was different. Take the advice of all the posts and not only Love but LIKE yourself.
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
    News flash: Your sister is not perfect. And setting another person on a pedestal as your hero is setting you up for disappointment.

    Instead perhaps work on being a good role model yourself. Your kids see what you do for example and learn from it. So start making goals to eat reasonably (portions and balance are key) and being active. That will get you on the path to being healthier and losing weight.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    Comparison is the killer of happiness. Never, ever compare yourself to someone else. You don't know the whole story.

    You can only work on YOU.
  • girlwithcurls2
    girlwithcurls2 Posts: 2,282 Member
    itsbasschick wrote: »
    working out gently and getting to a healthy weight (you don't mention your current weight and height) is taking care of yourself. it sounds like you could use that feeling of being taken care of, and if you're gentler and kinder to yourself, you will learn to accept that and feel better. learn about nutrition and feeding yourself well, taking walks to spend time thinking and getting fit.

    perhaps you would be happier if you learned not to value yourself based so much on what you weigh. and also on not thinking your sister is perfect - she isn't. whether or not she lets you know what they are, i guarantee you she has problems, too.

    Yeah, this.

    I have five sisters. Growing up, I was in the middle, and my body type follows my Polish father, not my small Irish mother. I didn't compete physically (they were ALL athletes, by the way), but I was always considered the "fat one" even though, to be honest, I was totally within normal BMI until after my first child. Well, here we are, all in mid-life, with various body shapes. But guess who's the fittest? Yup. Me. I admit that sometimes I feel a bit smug, but I also know that we all have struggles. Nobody has the perfect life. You can't predict what Life will send you in the future. Four of my sisters married men in business and have lifestyles beyond anything my teacher husband and I will ever see. It's not held up though. Divorce, separation, losing the house, lost jobs, kids dropping out of college, you name it. It's not a competition.

    If you can, maybe have a heart to heart with your sister and let her know how much you want to see her and reconnect. Work on you. Start now, and by the time you visit, your healthy habits should be well-established. Maybe you'll need her to watch the kids so that you can get a walk or a run in. She'll see your hard work and probably be proud of you :heart:
  • Ant488
    Ant488 Posts: 372 Member
    Feel free to add me.
  • jwcanfield
    jwcanfield Posts: 192 Member
    I must ask. Has she said or done anything to make you feel inadequate? Or is it a case of your perception? I have 2 younger sisters and I adore both of them, but we have our moments. That said, if I hadn't seen either one in a long time, the joy of seeing her would be the only thing that mattered to me.
  • mhosner
    mhosner Posts: 264 Member
    Thank you everyone.. My sister is great. She really is.. She has never done anything or said anything to make me feel this way.. I just do. I compare myself to her. I have always looked up to her and I guess more than anything I feel like I am letting her down by allowing myself to fail. During the past two years I haven't had any support. She hasn't called to see how I am doing. Didn't offer to come see me so that I wouldn't need to drive there alone with 3 kids and no money. I know I need to be a good role model for my girls. I am trying to do that. One step at a time. Thank you again everyone. Your thoughts, feedback and support have meant the world to me.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories