Need to get this off my chest

Rockstar_sister
Rockstar_sister Posts: 65 Member
edited December 1 in Introduce Yourself
Please bare with me.... I am about to bare my soul. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, though I am currently looking to go back to work. More days that not, I am wearing stretchy pants or elastic shorts. I don't always put on make up or do my hair. I throw my hair up in a ponytail or a knot. When I do fix myself up a little, my husband asks why. Today, my husband had to work so I threw my hair up in a knot and put on an old shirt and shorts. I had to run out to get drinks and sides to go with our steaks for dinner tonight. I knew I wouldn't be out long, so I ran to Walmart. As I was checking out, there was a woman sitting by the front with her young children (or grandchildren). (Here's where I bare myself/ugliness/judgmental side so here goes) She was sitting there with her 4 or 5 kids running around her and she was playing on her phone. She was a bigger woman, wearing an old worn out pair of pants and an old shirt. She looked run down and (to be honest) really rough. I said to myself. I don't want to look like that...... As the lady is finishing with my groceries, I looked down and reality hit me.... I AM THAT WOMAN. No, I don't know her story, she could be in the same boat as me - cleaning and painting the house today - just run out quickly to grab a few things; maybe she didn't have time to get ready because she works during the week and decided to sleep in instead of get ready. So many reasons and here I am judging her by her looks and body shape. I am almost certain that I look worse than her and I am the one judging.

I have let myself go and it's my fault. I am over 300 pounds and I have to be the one to get back to myself. I am not normally a "depressed" person, but I am definitely feeling down in the dumps lately. Especially after today. I am ready to get this weight off.

I am putting this out there..... I am 5'9" tall. I weigh 324 pounds (the most I've ever weighed in my life). I wear a size 24 (which is really snug). I am 41 years old. I want to live for 40 more years! The only way I can do that is to take care of myself. Right now is just as good as any to start taking care of myself, right? Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I know the only way I will feel completely better is when I start eating right and exercising. I can do this, we all can.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. This is not intended to hurt anyone's feelings, just had to get this off my chest.
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Replies

  • tapwaters
    tapwaters Posts: 428 Member
    Good luck!
  • Frank_Jr
    Frank_Jr Posts: 103 Member
    edited April 2016
    .
  • Kimmie827mfp
    Kimmie827mfp Posts: 17 Member
    edited April 2016
    I'm sorry you had that kind of self realization moment, and that it wasn't a positive one. :( I don't think you meant it to be about the other lady (so not judging) but more about where you are versus where you want to be. It's tough when you have young kids because suddenly your "you" time is cut way down and you must choose what self care makes the cut. For some it's more important to sleep than get up earlier to put on their face, for others it's more important to maybe read for that small bit of time or sew or otherwise unwind, so they don't want to spend what little time they have trying to look good. I feel like you are equating weight with appearance. And I'd like to let you know as you start this journey, they are two different things, that will require two different blocks of time, so depending on what your goals are, you might want to decided ultimately which is higher priority for you. I have 4 kids so my me time is close to none existent! But I use my "free" time to run or lift. (Mostly run lately...) so I still look like a hot mess when I go out, but I'm like 20 pounds from goal after losing 50 pounds. Would you have felt different if that women was slim and fit? Are you more concerned about dress and makeup or taking care of your body? Personally I'd rather look like a sweaty, sloppy mess but fit in my am run than look all put together but not have time to exercise. I'm just saying because a it of people seem to think those two go together, and they can, but if you are dealing with limited time, you may have many days where you have only 30 mins to yourself before heading out to Walmart, so are you going to squeezing in a workout, or use that time to do your hair, makeup and pick out a fancy outfit. ...if rather feel good than look good when I can only chose one :)
  • 0aye
    0aye Posts: 53 Member
    Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It's hard to talk about the ugly parts of ourselves, but accepting that they exist helps is on our journey forward! Good luck moving forward, your heart and determination will see you through!
  • pwoodroof
    pwoodroof Posts: 26 Member
    Well done you for saying this. It's courageous I think to publicly talk about it. Glad to hear you aren't inclined to depression so use that positivity and go for it. I am finding that taking the time to do this stuff on MFP is a great way to start
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    These moments can be really painful, but ultimately so helpful in propelling us toward important decisions.
    Good luck on your journey, you can totally do this!
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    You can do this! Log everyday good or bad no matter what.


    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10257474/starting-out-restarting-basics-inside/p1

    best wishes!!
  • Kimmie827mfp
    Kimmie827mfp Posts: 17 Member
    You can do this!!
  • ljwisniew
    ljwisniew Posts: 5 Member
    You got it mama! It's now your time to shine!
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    Seshankle, Dress up nicely so your husband can ask you "What's that for?". Then answer, and make it the truth, "Because I want to."
  • angsundliebe
    angsundliebe Posts: 16 Member
    Dont feel bad im a sahm and a ftm! It is rough! I got a wakeup call when my dr said my liver was in trouble. And reality hit me hard. I had always been skinny-normal size after my awkward elementry days i even wanted to be a nutritionist because i was so into it. I was in denial about how bad i had gotten weight wise and eating wise. I was 225 afyer having my son the biggest i havr ever been by far (155 before that after the loss of a boyfriend and lots of comfort eating
  • Rockstar_sister
    Rockstar_sister Posts: 65 Member
    Well, I have been saying Monday will be my D-Day, but I'm so motivated right now that I am going to start today. I know it may take a few days to stay under my calories, but I'm ok with that. As long as I am making that move in the right direction. I guess another reason I am ready to get back on track is I'm not sleeping well, either. I had a very restless sleep last night (as is every night), my back hurts from the way I sleep and I am a snorer. I know all will get better when I lose some weight. It happens every time. I've been on here since 2012 and I've done well on it, off and on. I just have to make sure I stay on here for the long run. I'm ready to make the change for life. FOR MY LIFE. For my HEALTH. Thanks for all of your encouragement, advise and understanding.
  • stephaniejenson
    stephaniejenson Posts: 8 Member
    Thank you for sharing this. It's so good to hear someone in the same position as me. I'm hoping being on mfp with people going through the same struggles as me will hep. Best of luck. If you need any support I will try my best!
  • tinagold2213
    tinagold2213 Posts: 9 Member
    I wish you all the best! As they said realization is the first step so you already made a big step towards your goal!
  • girlinahat
    girlinahat Posts: 2,956 Member
    Good you had the wake-up call and good you realised the myriad of reasons that lady may have looked like she did that day.

    I'm a believer in taking care of me, and mostly that means making myself look nice. I made a bargain with a friend a while back- no sweatshirts at the pub on a Friday night, and since then I've taken that further to no jeans out (I wear jeans everyday to work). It sounds petty, but making myself look nice, makes me feel loved. If I take effort over my appearance then I end up taking effort over my health AND find myself taking effort over everyone around me too. The better I feel, the better I treat them.

    You might want to route your husband in on this too from day one. Good luck!
  • godlikepoetyes
    godlikepoetyes Posts: 442 Member
    Seshankle wrote: »
    Please bare with me.... I am about to bare my soul. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, though I am currently looking to go back to work. More days that not, I am wearing stretchy pants or elastic shorts. I don't always put on make up or do my hair. I throw my hair up in a ponytail or a knot. When I do fix myself up a little, my husband asks why. Today, my husband had to work so I threw my hair up in a knot and put on an old shirt and shorts. I had to run out to get drinks and sides to go with our steaks for dinner tonight. I knew I wouldn't be out long, so I ran to Walmart. As I was checking out, there was a woman sitting by the front with her young children (or grandchildren). (Here's where I bare myself/ugliness/judgmental side so here goes) She was sitting there with her 4 or 5 kids running around her and she was playing on her phone. She was a bigger woman, wearing an old worn out pair of pants and an old shirt. She looked run down and (to be honest) really rough. I said to myself. I don't want to look like that...... As the lady is finishing with my groceries, I looked down and reality hit me.... I AM THAT WOMAN. No, I don't know her story, she could be in the same boat as me - cleaning and painting the house today - just run out quickly to grab a few things; maybe she didn't have time to get ready because she works during the week and decided to sleep in instead of get ready. So many reasons and here I am judging her by her looks and body shape. I am almost certain that I look worse than her and I am the one judging.

    I have let myself go and it's my fault. I am over 300 pounds and I have to be the one to get back to myself. I am not normally a "depressed" person, but I am definitely feeling down in the dumps lately. Especially after today. I am ready to get this weight off.

    I am putting this out there..... I am 5'9" tall. I weigh 324 pounds (the most I've ever weighed in my life). I wear a size 24 (which is really snug). I am 41 years old. I want to live for 40 more years! The only way I can do that is to take care of myself. Right now is just as good as any to start taking care of myself, right? Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I know the only way I will feel completely better is when I start eating right and exercising. I can do this, we all can.

    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. This is not intended to hurt anyone's feelings, just had to get this off my chest.

    I think we all come to that moment of realization. For me it was a series of moments, but the kicker was when my husband pointed out that I talked about my chin all the time all the time to ANYBODY WHO WOULD LISTEN. I knew I was doing this, but hearing him point it out was the wake up call.

    So welcome to MFP. This program works if you commit to it and show up every day all day. And there is a community of support here. But one bit of caution - - don't get too caught up in all the advice that is going to come your way, from folks here, from the media, from people in your life. You will find your OWN way. Good luck and take special care of yourself.
  • godlikepoetyes
    godlikepoetyes Posts: 442 Member
    I think you may be in that place where you think you don't deserve to get dressed, to take care of yourself. I remember wearing the same outfit every day when I was a stay at home mom. I didn't think I deserved new clothes because I was fat. I didn't bother to groom myself because what was the point? Accepting where you are and being kind to yourself is a huge part of this struggle. I didn't lose weight until I got rid of all my clothes that didn't fit and bought all new clothes that fit my body, nice clothes that looked great on me. I had to be willing to stop being mean to myself to move forward.
  • laurie62ann
    laurie62ann Posts: 433 Member
    OMG my clarity moment happened at Walmart, just like you described... I saw a very large women and her knees look like they were going to give out on her, she looked like it pained her to walk... I went home and cried because I knew that was going to be me if I didn't turn my life around... You can do this and don't ever fault yourself for being a stay at home mom; that is a tough job.
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,642 Member
    edited April 2016
    Thanks for sharing what you did. I think a lot of us have "been there" but ashamed to admit we felt that way about someone else in order to see ourselves better. I am 47 and got tired of looking like the other late 40's friends I have that are content being overweight and unhappy with what they see in the mirror and I said no way! I can't be that woman. Some women are okay with being overweight and it's about enjoying all of life that they can but I wanted to do different for ME and feel and look better to ME. So, not everyone gets that "wake up call" that you and some of us others also get. I won't go back if I can help it. So I totally get ya!
  • MargaretLunan
    MargaretLunan Posts: 5,299 Member
    we have all had some kind of a wake up call to be here. mine was when the doctor said you are diabetic.now your journey begins .good luck.
  • kmartftw
    kmartftw Posts: 1 Member
    You can totally do it, just think in a year from now if you dont start eating right and excercising, you will be thinking damn i wish started getting in shape right now. I was well over 300 pound, i am now about 220. I feel like i have lots of work to do yet but the change has been the greatest thing to happen to me. The main thing to statt with is really cutting back on eating, and eating healthier foods only, and a HUGE KEY is to drink alot of water, and i mean alot. I drink up to about 8 litres a day. I also havent been sick in a very long time which i think the water consumption aids to that. You can do it, started getting in the swing of it and youll be comfortable with it in a month and wont want to stop. Coming from an ex-very large person, i know you can do it. Im 23 and i can still say youre young, my dad has lost about 60 pounds eating proper and drink alot of water and just going for walks often. He is 56, you can do it! Good luck!
  • Rockstar_sister
    Rockstar_sister Posts: 65 Member
    Thank you for your support! I have done this before here, I've been a member since 2012, but life got in the way. I blew out my knee, etc. when I say I'm a stay at home mom, I don't have a lot to do, my youngest is 14. He's the only one in school, the other two (19 & 22) work full time jobs, like my husband.

    Today, we ran into Lowe's (as we are remodeling some of our house - to add to the funk I've been in, ha!) and he made a comment and I completely shut down. I'm a very loud, funny, mostly confident, where I hold myself high, person, but when he asked me what was going on I told him. Fighting back tears while in Lowe's (and I'm not a crier - it takes a lot to make me cry). I told him I was miserable - not with him but with myself. I told him about my "ah ha" moment yesterday because he made a comment about me doing a lot of typing last night (this post and others) but I just blew him off. So I came clean today about it all. He told me that he knows I am different than him (6'4" 340 pounds - that can quit eating cold turkey and it not bother him - he just recently lost 75 pounds) but he's glad that I came to the realization that it's something I have to do myself. He can only be my support system and he says he will gladly be there to root me on. I told him (funny and sad, but true) that I don't even want to have sex with him because my I just lay there right now and then my body starts clapping where my fat is hitting itself (sorry for the image, but it's funny). He just shook his head and laughed at me, but in all seriousness, he is there for me to be my cheerleader and to slap the donut out of my hand if I try to eat it. He is very understanding. He is very supportive. I am very lucky to have that in my life, because I know several people don't even have that. Now, just to do it.

    I said earlier that today was my D-Day, but that's been move to tomorrow. We went to breakfast, though I made decent choices, I'll be able to eat only the foods I prepare tomorrow. I will log today, but I know I'll go over quickly.
  • PantoneRed
    PantoneRed Posts: 40 Member
    This is the most soul-baring and courageous post I have read here. I applaud your honesty and strength for recognizing that you've got to change the way you've been living. You are ready. Ready to get back your health, your confidence, a new attitude. You've got support with your guy and tons here! We're rooting for you Lady!
  • kpeterson539
    kpeterson539 Posts: 220 Member
    I know this may sound really "stalkerish" but I just took a look at your pics you have posted on here of yourself. Do you know you are a beautiful person with an absolutely stunning smile?

    We are generally our own harshest critic picking on the worst things about yourself but please remember the GOOD things about yourself while trying to change somethings. This is, occasionally, a really tough road but you need to remind yourself that you are worth it.
  • PantoneRed
    PantoneRed Posts: 40 Member
    edited April 2016
    If tomorrow is D Day, it's still not too late to join the Biggest Loser challenge today!
    https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10376348/biggest-loser-challenge-starting-soon-running-for-10-weeks-starting-monday#notifications
  • Rockstar_sister
    Rockstar_sister Posts: 65 Member
    kpeterson539 wrote: »
    I know this may sound really "stalkerish" but I just took a look at your pics you have posted on here of yourself. Do you know you are a beautiful person with an absolutely stunning smile?

    Thank you so much! I know I can "clean up nice", but I'm truly not "feeling pretty" these days, not even a little. It sounds petty, but make up, doing my hair and clothes make me feel better about myself. I don't even have clothes that fit right now.... everything is really snug. I am the only one that change that. I am to that point where I am really ready to do something about it.

  • AlyAlyAlyboo
    AlyAlyAlyboo Posts: 276 Member
    Add me for a fun fresh perspective on starting your adventure towards a healthier happier fab you...I have a ways to go as well...50 days strong on mfp
  • Rockstar_sister
    Rockstar_sister Posts: 65 Member
    Thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I am officially on day 2, though I'm still not eating under calories yet, but it's a work in progress. One day at a time. One meal at a time. I understand today's overage is thanks to me being away from the house the majority of the day.
  • Nicklebee93
    Nicklebee93 Posts: 316 Member
    I think we all have those types of realizations, the "oh god i became that person!" I hated looking at myself in the mirror, i had a ugly double chin and felt completely disgusted with myself. We all need that kick in the face sometimes. Good luck on your journey, it's well worth it.
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