Awful Confession

Fayve · June 2011

I really need to just write this down so that someone can read it. I had a moment in my mind where it just 'clicked' with exactly what i was doing, and I was really horrified.

I was doing research online on what the best way to purge might be. I've attempted to make myself throw up in the past, but I have NEVER been able to do so. I know that purging is a terrible terrible thing, and many people struggle with the disorder for their entire life, but a tiny part of me has always been jealous that I've not been able to purge.

I love food, and I love to eat. It makes me want to scream when i see people posting about 'how hard it is to eat 1200 calories', when I'd gladly eat that much in one sitting from fruit, vegetables and protein. I don't eat junk or fast food, but I love to eat lots of wholesome foods. The thought of being able to purge and eat more food without going dramatically over my calories for the day got me so excited, and now here I am.

I'm just trying to remind myself now that even if I do eat a little more, it might be a good thing for my body (people talk about this "mixing" things up), or at the very least, hopefully the good foods can contribute towards muscle growth, instead of just eating processed foods that would convert to fat.

I'm rambling now, anyways, I just wanted to share so that I could be held accountable. I'm really upset at myself for even considering doing this, and I'm glad that I didn't, but the feeling and desire to do it definitely isn't completely gone

shamrock71 · June 2011

Well, don't be hard on yourself. You admitted that you were thinking about it but ultimately didn't do it. You are doing great; losing 6lbs is a major accomplishment. Dieting is not easy; there are so many tempting foods out there. Keep going and I know you will reach your goal for 8/2 and your boyfriend will notice how great you look.

1smemae94 · June 2011

Oh hun, i am so proud of you for not doing that. Youre right, it is terrible because once you start, its hard to stop. Its not like your eating junk though. FRUITS AND VEGGIES! those are great for you. Just excersice a little bit more, then you can eat more too. Best of luck

CrochetGator · June 2011

Don't beat yourself up. The thing is, you only thought about it and highly considered it. You didn't do it. That is key. And you thought of positive things that can happen if you do eat a little more. It's much better to eat more fruit and veggies for the day than to fill those calories with potato chips and cookies. Be proud of yourself for being held accountable. It takes guts to the world to admit you aren't perfect. I admire that. : )

Stay strong on your journey and you will go far.

mangos4music · June 2011

Everyone has one thing they are ashamed of. And you are so brave for letting ppl know about this desire and feeling you have! and its good to know that you are thinking of ways to make what you're doing work for you, rather than get so discouraged that you turn to purging. Everyone on this site (and everyone off it I'm sure) has something dealing with self image they are ashamed of. I for one cant take a compliment from my husband. I even get enraged when he tells me I look skinny, cuz i know he's full of ****. Everyone has their "thing" they wish they didnt have. and acknowledging it is very important to staying accountable. you can do this! just keep your chin up, everythings gonna be ok

if you want some more friends or encouragers feel free to add me

:smokin:

Carrin817 · June 2011

To be honest I have thought of this too. Sometimes I feel like it would be an easy way out. I also have to say I get slightly jealous when people are sick and say they have lost weight becuase of it.
I just have to remind myself that there is no easy way to do anything worth while in life. I, in no way would like to have an eating disorder or to be sick. I know that I am stronger than that.
Stay strong and stick with this and I think you will find good healthy weight loss.

Saruman_w · June 2011

Yes, you should never ever try to do that. The damage your stomach acids will do to your esophagus, and even your teeth too if you do that on a regular basis will come back to haunt you and it won't be pretty.

Li_Willi · June 2011

How often & how long do you workout? I can relate to the "loving to eat" thing but the cool thing about working out is that it allows you to eat more - :laugh: . Your body needs the nourishment that you're getting from food, so purging is only going to hurt you in the long (& short) run. There is no quick weight loss solution & it's great that you've lost 6lbs already.

If you're already working out, try to incorporate more workouts so you can eat more & strangely enough, you'll find that you're losing weight. I found out by experimenting that when you do eat back your exercise cals. you do actually lose weight (sounds backwards, I know, but it works). Good luck to you.

psb13 · June 2011

please don't!! it truly isn't worth it. the risks to your health, both physical and emotional are very serious. you are on mfp so you know there is a better, healthier life style change that is a much better choice. i read your public profile. a young girl your age with the health problems you already have does not need this problem also. please speak with someone about your urge to purge. perhaps a parent, your doctor, someone at your school (if you are still in school), or even a friend. this isn't worth the risk to your health. it looks like you have a lot of mfp friends. take their support to heart. clearly you know this isn't your best choice since you felt the need to "confess" it. take the healthier way...please. :flowerforyou:

capal2 · June 2011

I've been there, many times. I struggled with various eating disorders throughout my teens, including purging. You know where it got me? About 30 lbs heavier.
Purging is fairly impossible to keep up... You just feel absolutely horrible all the time - nauseas, headaches, fatigued, hair starts falling out, you can't concentrate and you can't sleep, despite feeling exhausted, and then there are the constant feelings of self hate, depression and anxiety come with it. It's a really negative thing to do to yourself, and something you can not keep up for very long before you just need to eat because you actually feel like you're dying, and so you binge and then you feel even worse about yourself.
The second you stop purging, you gain back all the weight and more. Trust me, it is not a quick fix, an easy option or even a way to lose weight. I wish I'd never done it to myself, because recovering was really hard and the negative thinking is still something that has a huge effect on my life. Plus, I definitely blame at least 30 lbs of my weight gain (that I now have to try and lose), on my binging and purging habit.
I don't want to lecture you or tell you what to do, I just want to warn you what the reality of these habits are. I would never wish what I went through on anyone. Good luck and stay strong!

tlp8rb · June 2011

My dear girl... and I can refer to you that way because I am approaching my 70th birthday. I just finished reading your profile and learned that you've had some difficult experiences with illness and even with the remedy. Steroids create a tremendous increase in appetite and in muscle growth which both contribute to a gain of weight.

I can't really know, but from your photo (and we all know the camera adds pounds) I'd say that you are very close to where you should be at a healthy weight. And while I understand you have a huge appetite (as do I), I urge you to fill the need to eat with things that are good for you such as apples, pears, raw veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, zucchini sticks), etc. Make a dip from some Fage 0% Greek Yogurt, seasoned with a bit of grated parmigiana or Romano cheese and eat to your heart's content.

Purging does terrible things to your body. Along with the food, stomach acids are regurgitated which erode the enamel on your teeth, cause horrid canker sores in your mouth and on your tongue and can eat away at your esophagus. Without the opportunity to digest the food you're eating, your body will begin to eat away at your muscular structure.

You are a strong person on the very brink of womanhood. I know you can recognize the urges for what they are - and fight against them.

veggievixen · June 2011

You are not alone! I've never purged, but I've wished I could some times. Whenever I make poor choices and wish I could "reboot" the meal I just ate, I try and take it a further back and examine what contributed to my choices and if there was anything I could do differently next time to not put myself in a situation I'd likely make poor eating decisions. That too full feeling is like a food hangover reminding you why not to over indulge. I think purging is kinda like giving up on yourself, saying that you don't have the power to make good choices, it takes the responsibility for poor choices away by "allowing" you to have a "do over," but a real do over doesn't have such dire long term health consequences!

Cheers for saying something! Hope that helps.

Fayve · June 2011

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm glad I posted here, as this respone was exactly what I needed to make me feel better, and reassure me that this is definitely NOT something I want to do to myself.

Jenscan · June 2011

You are very brave for confessing this. ((HUGS)) Please don't consider it any further, but if you do, please consider contacting a professional to talk this through. We all want you to be healthy, and this can cause so many problems. You're doing very well already and close to your goal, so please be kind to yourself.

It IS hard when we've eaten a lot - today was an "intentionally over" day for me and I still feel guilty about it. BUT - it's okay! Life is never perfect, and we can't be perfect either.

Please let us know how we can help you!

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