A Woman's week at the gym
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess.
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little
****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if
God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good laugh
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess.
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little
****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if
God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good laugh
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess.
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it
took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little
****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if
God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good laugh0
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