I can't stop crying... I am still getting over my break up and nobody in my life understands.

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ladyinredflush
ladyinredflush Posts: 72 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hey guys,

I am trying to get over my loss but it's been incredibly hard. I feel like I can't talk to anybody at all, and if I am around my friends for too long I start to get emotional and tear up randomly. This happened last night and when I came home I felt horrible.

I am not emotionally stable right now, although I can pull it off when I am in public. When I am alone in my room I start to break down and cry, but I make sure nobody sees me. It's been 4 months and I am still like this.

I feel like I cannot trust anybody. I feel like what I had in the relationship might have not been genuine, but I went with it anyway because it made me feel good.

It seems as if my ex-partner is moving along faster than I am, since he has never texted me first or has ever reached out to me at all. He has only responded to my text messages, but it seemed like it was out of politeness.

As time goes on, it feels as if my life is getting progressively worse. I feel like I am losing everything. He was the only thing that help me reach the peak of my happiness. Everything else that I enjoyed was just okay. I am trying to hold onto my health as hard as I can, by eating healthy, trying to exercise whenever I can, as well as taking care of my skin with good skincare regimens.

The main reason why I am sad, is because I feel like the point of my life is to be in love. If I don't have love, I have nothing at all. Nothing else that I have even matters at all. He was a person in my life that I trusted a lot, and I even admired him so much for his character. Without him I am so lost.

Whenever I try to open up about it, people either say, go talk to a friend and give me the run around. Or they say, it's ok it happens, and it is normal for relationships to not always work out.

It seems as if everybody has a much better life than I do. I just want to love somebody so bad, and when I did he slipped away from my life.

I suffer from physical pain from this break up every single day. some days are better than others. but I cannot get over this at all.

I had so many first times with my partner I just want to cry for weeks and not come out of my room. This is one of the most confusing, and saddest break ups I have ever had. This was the first time I got broken up with. But I guess this could also be karma for all the times that I have hurt others in the past.

Replies

  • dbkyser
    dbkyser Posts: 612 Member
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    So sorry, but remember things do get better with time. Glad you are trying to stay healthy and not give up that part of yourself.
  • ladyinredflush
    ladyinredflush Posts: 72 Member
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    ^^ I have seen counselors in the past but sometimes they jsut say, "do you have any friends that you could talk to about this?"

    and the reality is no, i do not. my friends are busy with their own lives and do not listen to me for more than 5 seconds, and then change the subject.
  • positivepowers
    positivepowers Posts: 902 Member
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    You need to find new counselors. No decent credential-fearing counselor would tell you to go talk to your friends. You haven't said you're suicidal and I have no idea what country you're in, but if you're in the US, please call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You don't have to be suicidal to speak to them. They can give you referrals and resources for your area. You don't have to suffer and you don't deserve it.

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/getinvolved/reasons.aspx
  • wannabesexymama
    wannabesexymama Posts: 367 Member
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    ladyinredflush wrote: »
    ^^ I have seen counselors in the past but sometimes they jsut say, "do you have any friends that you could talk to about this?"

    and the reality is no, i do not. my friends are busy with their own lives and do not listen to me for more than 5 seconds, and then change the subject.

    I would be glad to have you on my friends list hun. I to am in the same boat. I moved away from my friends and cannot talk to them much via chat as they are always busy with their own lives. I am in College but I am 32 years old that doesn't leave many people for me to talk to because they are all young kids just out of High School. My husband struggles to gain weight because his metabolism runs 3 times higher than normal. He does not understand the struggle.
  • rbchick66
    rbchick66 Posts: 10 Member
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    I went through the same emotional filled break up two years ago. My ex broke up with me after 7 years of dating! I never felt so alone I was a mess for about a year!! I had no one to talk to and I cried all the time. I always felt I was faking that I was okay. Everyone heals differently and at their own pace. It may seem that you can't live without them but you can. It's hard but you need to cut him off completely so you can heal. Don't text, call, stalk, if you have to go offline for awhile so you can just focus on you! You need to find how to make yourself happy whether it is hobbies or clubs. Do things you have always wanted to do, figure out how to better yourself for you! The best thing you could do for yourself now is to grow stronger and learn how to be happy just being you!! It's a tough road but you will be so much happier in the end!!!!
  • StephanieJane2
    StephanieJane2 Posts: 191 Member
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    They say time heals. Not sure if it does, it's been years since my partner left me and I don't think I'll ever fully get over it, but time has dampened the pain xx good luck
  • Kullerva
    Kullerva Posts: 1,114 Member
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    I believe--and have always believed, since high school--in Vonnegut's idea of the "karass." This idea says that people come into your life when you need them most, because they are there to change you (and you are there to change them) for the better. Some people will become part of your permanent karass, and you will stay together forever effecting positive change in both your lives. (My best friend, for instance, is part of my permanent karass.)

    Tragically, others will not become part of your permanent karass--and those "others" include most people, including some of the people we care about most. This does not mean that people who are only part of the temporary karass are unimportant: we need these people. They, too, are there to create a positive change in us. When they go, it can be heartbreaking. (I'm losing a friend right now, and that hurts so much I sometimes forget to breathe.) I think this may be what you are experiencing, OP.

    Others have recommended counseling. I also recommend some soul-searching. What did your SO bring to your life? How did he change you (for better/worse)? What did you learn? How can you move forward, in a positive way, based on your experiences with him?

    Some people don't believe things happen for a specific reason (like the karass), and that's fine. I find it a useful construct for mapping how the people around us help shape our lives. An important point to remember is that you and you alone are the only 100% guaranteed member of your own karass. You have the power to shape your life for good or ill. We all do. All we can do is try to make the best choices for us.
  • treebek
    treebek Posts: 261 Member
    edited May 2016
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    I went through counesting a long time ago and a lot of what you are saying sounds similar. Mine wasn't a break up, but it was me being dependent on someone else for my happiness. What my counselor told me was to get a life, meaning that I need to create my own happiness, not depend on someome else to create it for me. Just some advice... also maybe seek out professional counseling to help you work through these feelings of dependency. Good luck.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
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    If your counselor told you to talk to friends about overwhelming feelings of sadness for extended time frames then I think you should find a different counselor.
    They are being paid to listen to you.
    I would call the number listed above and get in touch with someone who can help you.
  • bethcothern
    bethcothern Posts: 14 Member
    edited May 2016
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    Hi there! Your post was heartbreaking to read. First, it sounds as though you are suffering from real depression. You really should consider some professional help. It's ok to ask for help, your not crazy, your not delusional, your heartbroken and you may need help working through this grief. I will tell you that it will get easier. You must focus on making yourself happy and finding purpose for your life without needing a man to complete you. That's a huge burden to place on another human being, a partner is suppose to compliment you. You didn't say why your relationship ended but maybe being responsible for someone else's happiness was too much!! You need to go through the steps of grief. Seems like you have just gotten lost in the sadness stage and haven't moved on to anger, acceptance and then to forgiveness. You shouldn't give this person/relationship so much power over you and your life. You will never be able
    To move on if you can go through these stages and get pissed and then you will become indifferent! I wish you much happiness the future. Remember, this too shall pass.
  • OyGeeBiv
    OyGeeBiv Posts: 733 Member
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    You need a new counselor, and probably some new friends, too. Find something you like to do outside of your house, and you'll meet others who like doing the same thing. You'll make new friends, and it'll also help get you outside of your own head so much. Meetup.com is a way to find local groups of people with similar interests.
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,339 Member
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    I agree with all the advice above, first one being get a new counsellor. If he or she advises you to talk to a friend, they are forgetting it's their job to do this. I truly believe you are in a depression, but the good part is, you are asking for help! You CAN feel better, it's just a very hard thing to wrap your head around. I believe it's time to just focus on making YOU the best you ever! Yup, first breakup, but also the first time you've had to really look in the mirror, at YOU. What needs to be worked on, other than the persistent sadness? Need to drop a few pounds, you now have all the time to work on that, and all of us here supporting you. Need to try to sleep better at nite? Lets think of a plan to attack that one too, as quality sleep helps us to deal with life's hardships better. Lets work on this, little by little, to make you feel like the strong woman you can be!! Then, next relationship, they will be meeting a whole new, WHOLE woman! Good luck honey, feel free to add me xo
  • Shells918
    Shells918 Posts: 1,070 Member
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    I remember feeling the way you do 10 years ago. I took me 8 months to get past.

    There are support groups for breakups online on daily strength.com. I recommend checking that site out.

    You are going through a grief state right now.
    1. Denial and isolation
    2. Anger
    3. Depression
    4. Bargaining
    5. Acceptance

    They don't necessarily come in order. You're depressed now, but maybe you need to get angry. Who the f-ck is this dou(heb@g to break up with you??? You didn't deserve that. You deserve someone that loves you and appreciates you.

    Don't contact him anymore. Take everything in your place that reminds you of him and get rid of it, or put it in a box and put in the back of a closet. Go shopping and buy something new for your place that represents YOU.
    Do nice things for yourself. Write down why you're worth it. Find positive affirmations and tape them up on your mirror and keep saying them till you believe them.
    Try something new that you've always wanted to. Create your own firsts.
    Love yourself. No one else can truly love you until you do.

  • vespiquenn
    vespiquenn Posts: 1,455 Member
    edited May 2016
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    treebek wrote: »
    I went through counesting a long time ago and a lot of what you are saying sounds similar. Mine wasn't a break up, but it was me being dependent on someone else for my happiness. What my counselor told me was to get a life, meaning that I need to create my own happiness, not depend on someome else to create it for me. Just some advice... also maybe seek out professional counseling to help you work through these feelings of dependency. Good luck.

    This. I think many to most of us have gone through what you are feeling at some point of our lives. Breakups suck, but as mentioned, they happen. However, I'm going to echo what others have said and find yourself a new therapist that can offer you coping mechanisms.

    Just to share my story, I based my happiness completely on an ex-fiance of mine that I dated from 16 to 22. I knew nothing else, which was a tragic mistake for such a developmental time in my life. He was there when my father passed, when I suffered eating disorders, and was hospitalized for depression. Despite knowing better, my life revolved around him to the point that I wasn't even interested in friends anymore. So when he dropped the bomb that he no longer loved me, I was devastated. I even ended up hospitalized again over that Christmas due to suicide attempts. I went through counseling, and even then it took a year or more to trust people again. But I also realized that I needed to create a life for myself. What I was doing before that was living a shadow to another human being, and no one deserves that.

    Point being, you are not going to heal overnight. But you need to figure out a way to rebuild who you are. Put your focus into something else like your career (or school), hobbies, or even volunteering for those less fortunate. Once you start to rebuild yourself, the rest will slowly fall into place. But the first step is finding a new therapist that will help.

    Also, to aid in the idea that bad times do not last forever, I am now happily married with someone that pushes me to be a better person, and my ex-fiance gave up his well paying job and his family which eventually resulted in him being homeless just so he could go concert hopping. So sometimes things are just for the better. It may be the same in your case, but obviously not as extreme as my ex deciding to become a hobo.

  • aprilkorn
    aprilkorn Posts: 26 Member
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    I have been where you are and had no friends and I agree it is really hard. I remember a physical ache in my heart and a song or a memory would set me off crying again and felt like I could never move on. What hurt even more is that he seemed to be moving on and it hurt that he didn't seem to be hurting as much as I was and that didn't seem fair. Nothing anyone says feels like it will make it any better. Sometimes the only thing that helps is time and more time. You might always miss the relationship but it will get better. If you fall into a pity pot it will only be harder and take longer. I know it seems like a head game but if you start taking care of yourself and looking good and never contacting him ever it will feel good. He's probably not needing to contact you because he knows you will contact him
    Don't give him that satisfaction. It might seem hopeless now but keep going up and forward. When we feel like we are nothing without another person it is because we have really low self esteem. Raise your self esteem and love yourself before you get involved with anyone else or you will risk getting into another relationship where you depend on someone else to feel value for yourself.
  • ObsidianMist
    ObsidianMist Posts: 519 Member
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    I just want to say that I sympathize with you so much. breakups are always extremely hard for me. I've even had partners, one in particular, that I pined after for YEARS after the relationship ended. your counsellor does sound unempathetic and incompetent, I would suggest asking to be referred to someone else - and insist on it. stand up for yourself, advocate for yourself. it's too bad your friends aren't being very supportive. that sounds really lonely. have you tried just taking the occasional day here and there where you decide to just throw yourself into some kind of activity with your friends, maybe something along the lines of, today I will not wallow, I will just do, and I will let myself wallow again tomorrow, or even at the end of the day? I'm all about letting yourself feel your emotions, and sit with your feelings, but up to a point. at some point, distraction can be the best technique for starting to feel better. whatever you decide to do, I hope you start to feel better soon.
  • 100df
    100df Posts: 668 Member
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    If I were you I'd institute the "no contact" rule right away. That means no texting, no calls and no checking his socal media. In my opinion it's self torture to contact him and look at his socoal media. Especially if you think he's responding out of politeness.

    Find something new to do or go back to a hobby you dropped when you started seeing him. Learn to crochet or knit. Use Youtube to learn how. Keeping busy will help your mind.

    I'm not sure I'd use counseling to get over your relationship. I'd be more interested in what my next steps are going go be. A counselor can help with that. While it sucks that the relationship is over, there's something good to be said for a fresh start.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
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    First, get a dog. Not a cat. A dog. It will help you if you have some living critter who loves you unconditionally.
    Second, everyone has relationship difficulty. People married with 10 grandkids have relationship trouble. We're people. We're stubborn. We're selfish. We're not good at putting others first Sometimes we try. Sometimes we try too hard. I don't know what led to your break-up and I don't care. What I do want you to realize is that you are going to be better than this. You just have to decide to. Yes, I know it's hard. I know the feeling of "discarded", "rejected", "unwanted" is strong and can overpower you, but you have the power to be "found", "wanted", "needed".

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