Need relationship advice

betterthandessert
betterthandessert Posts: 8 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm struggling to come to terms with the end of my 5-year relationship. We started dating when I was 20 and I thought we worked out perfectly. We even went shopping for engagement rings, albeit kind of spontaneously, about 1 month ago. This week, he told me out of the blue that he 'doesn't think we're compatible, because he needs somebody more nurturing and I need somebody less sensitive.' He also mentioned we had poor communication, which is something we have both known, but I thought this was something we could work on. We talked about it for about an hour, but at that point I had to leave because I had to be up early the next morning. When I started leaving, he said things like 'I thought I would see you again soon, you can stay here if you need to, maybe this is just a break in our relationship.' He was sobbing uncontrollably, and obviously this sends me mixed messages. I let him know during that conversation that I was surprised to hear this, I thought we were great together, he is my best friend, and that I thought we would be together forever. He said he had been thinking about this for a month, and talked to 2 cousins and 1 friend before pulling the trigger. I'm very confused about the whole thing. Both of us are stubborn and I doubt he will reach out to me first, especially because he hasn't already. I'm not sure how to proceed, because I don't know if I should try to reach out to him or give us both some time to heal and focus on myself. I finish my academic year soon, and I think if he doesn't reach out to me to congratulate me, that may be a sign that he has no intention of ever reaching out. I need some help to figure out how to move forward ie. should I reach out to him for answers and to see where his head is at in terms of our relationship or should I assume it's over for good if he doesn't reach out soon?

Replies

  • Paulinkax
    Paulinkax Posts: 8 Member
    Hi,
    I'm sorry to hear that. Are you okay? 5 years it's a long time and breaking up must be hard especially when you need to focus on your fitness plan, education and career and probably many other things that going on in your life right now. All I know is if a guy really wants a girl he will do anything to be with her. Girls should be fight for, they shouldn't fight to be with a man. If man isn't interested he most likely never going to be for real/for long. I think they way he reacted when you were leaving showes that he is scared of you leaving his life for good. I suggest you to try move on and wait for his reaction. Don't expect anything because expectations can make things worse for you.
    Stay strong x
  • Unknown
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  • jenovatrix
    jenovatrix Posts: 219 Member
    The ring shopping thing makes me think he was already having doubts but he was trying to force himself to stay 'engaged' so to speak. How old is he? If he's your age he might also think he's too young to settle down.

    If it were me I'd move on. If he wants to contact you he will.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Move on. Something similar happened to my daughter. Been with the same guy since HS. He joined the Marines; she was in college. They were planning their wedding day. Set the date. He bought the engagement ring. Proposed. Put deposits down for the reception. Then he went back to base and called her a week later. Told her he wasn't ready. She was devastated. Luckily, we got the deposits back. She eventually sold the Engagement ring (He didn't like that, but wasn't ready to come through me.) Now she has met a great guy, is making plans to marry and the Marine calls and tells her he wants to get back with her. She told him to F off.
  • wilsoncl6
    wilsoncl6 Posts: 1,280 Member
    If you weren't able to work out your differences in the 5 years you were dating, it's unlikely that you ever would in my opinion. If your communication was bad (which is probably why he just sprung this on you instead of there being lead up conversations or argument) you might be better off as friends. 5 years seems like a lot of wasted time, but at your age, it's nothing. I say, explore your options. You'd be amazed at how many problems you'd see existed in your relationship when you view it from outside.
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
    Maybe for him, the reality of everything came when you were looking at rings. It made him really step back and evaluate things. You have every right to be upset and confused. At the same time, do you really want to spend your life with someone who is unsure about spending their life with you?
  • ilex70
    ilex70 Posts: 727 Member
    wilsoncl6 wrote: »
    If you weren't able to work out your differences in the 5 years you were dating, it's unlikely that you ever would in my opinion. If your communication was bad (which is probably why he just sprung this on you instead of there being lead up conversations or argument) you might be better off as friends. 5 years seems like a lot of wasted time, but at your age, it's nothing. I say, explore your options. You'd be amazed at how many problems you'd see existed in your relationship when you view it from outside.

    ^^^
    This, all day long. If you couldn't fix it in 5 years not likely it is getting fixed.
  • chamzlila
    chamzlila Posts: 189 Member
    My feeing is that you have to move on and take care of yourself. It hurts like hell for so many reasons and after 5 years it becomes a way of life, a habit. This guy doesn't sound like a bad person and clearly had real feeling and concern for you which is probably why he didn't start fights or cause drama before ending it like someone else suggested he should have. Thats just playing mind games. So take some time and focus on yourself, keep busy and if this guy is to come back into your life in any capacity then it will happen naturally. Stay strong and always know your worth
  • betterthandessert
    betterthandessert Posts: 8 Member
    Thank you so much for your support everyone! It seems the overwhelming response it to let it go and move on, which is also my gut feeling. Really appreciate it guys!!
  • kazzykazz75
    kazzykazz75 Posts: 16 Member
    Hope you are ok its always hard .
  • betterthandessert
    betterthandessert Posts: 8 Member
    Thank you Kazzykazz75!

    An update for everyone: We haven't talked for the past 3 weeks. I am going to pick up some of my things from his house sometime this week and I have asked if we can have a conversation about where this all came from. I think it was smart to wait to see/talk to him, because in the past 3 weeks I have realized that even if he is confused, I don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't sure they want to be with me.
  • PamelaW41
    PamelaW41 Posts: 287 Member
    I think you have to look at your relationship and decide what you want. If its him call him. If its not move on. That way you wont live with what ifs and regrets. I also think people should be honest in what they want or need and not settle for less. If the S.O. cant handle that then maybe they arent Mr. or Mrs. Right. Good luck to you.
  • megzchica23
    megzchica23 Posts: 419 Member
    Paulinkax wrote: »
    Hi,
    I'm sorry to hear that. Are you okay? 5 years it's a long time and breaking up must be hard especially when you need to focus on your fitness plan, education and career and probably many other things that going on in your life right now. All I know is if a guy really wants a girl he will do anything to be with her. Girls should be fight for, they shouldn't fight to be with a man. If man isn't interested he most likely never going to be for real/for long. I think they way he reacted when you were leaving showes that he is scared of you leaving his life for good. I suggest you to try move on and wait for his reaction. Don't expect anything because expectations can make things worse for you.
    Stay strong x

    I agree with part. But it isn't just that men need to fight for women. No both people should be working and fighting for each other. Women need to show they want to be with a man just as much as a man should. And no one should waste time chasing after someone that doesn't want to be with them. Relationships take two people. So there should never be any case where "a man should be the one" or "a women should be the one."

    As for this scenario though. Since he is the one who said he wanted a break all you can do is either wait for him or just be blunt as hell. Tell him you don't want to wait around, that there isn't a need because both of you should know by now what you want. And tell him to pick and just be prepared to live with what he picks. But honestly I hate when people make others wait around for them. If they say that, they already know what they want they just don't have the guts to say it.

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