Chapter 3 - Second Helping (Yes Please)

Almost 3 years have passed since my initial weight loss of 63 lbs. Losing was easy, as I was completely disgusted with myself, I’d gag looking in the mirror, constantly complain about my shirts being too tight (stretched out XL’s), and always exhausted. I reached my limit and nothing was going to stop me, I had all the motivation I needed. MFP and counting calories was my new life and it was amazing.


I stand today only 20lbs away from my all-time high, that’s right, 40 lbs. have made their triumphant return. When I lost, I vowed to never let myself get back to that point, donating all of my clothes and bitching about buying smaller sizes the whole time haha. That was the beginning of the psychological war within. From my time of loss, I had learned that for me, exercising was of no importance, matter of fact, the 9 weeks I used during that time to run the C25K plan was the only time I wasn’t dropping 1 lb per week like clockwork so naturally after my first 5K, I quit running, after all, I just wanted to lose.


At my lowest I was surprised to see…me. Fat me, only smaller. Hmm, skinny face, boney back, little arms and legs, and that damned spare tire, still, wrapped around my midsection, WTH?! I started doing body weight exercises as I learned from MFP what “skinny fat” meant, and the only remedy was strength training.


I made the progression from body weight exercises to free weights, eventually stumbling onto StrongLifts 5X5. I ran the program for 4-5 weeks starting with an empty bar and progressing as prescribed until I got the bright idea that I needed to bulk to really make this work. You know, bulking, calculated weight gain for certain periods of time that benefit experienced and even new lifters with excellent self-control. After 2 years of calorie restriction, my self-control tank was dead empty.


I decided 10 lbs would be my limit. I started upping calories which at first didn’t make much difference in either weight gain or perceived strength, but it did give me a mental break from restriction. This felt great so I continued past 10 lbs. but then leveled off around the 15 lb mark, and kept hitting the gym progressing in my program. I continued this holding pattern for about a year, in which time I started a new job that involved a great deal of sitting, however, my lifting had intensified due to strength gains and form improvement so I feel like that was keeping the weight gain at bay mostly. I also logged on MFP throughout this entire time with only a few spotty weeks here and there. During my stint at that job I pushed up about 5-6 more lbs. and was able to hold it through to the end, which was 3 months ago.


In the last 3 months I have started a new job, quit lifting cold turkey, and put on 10 lbs more giving me a grand total of 40 lbs. gained. I gave myself a break on 5-8 lbs of that just chalking it up to weight training.


Well here I am again, disgusted. My clothes no longer fit correctly, I’m tired, and I am having dizzy spells almost daily now, something that hasn’t happened since the initial loss. There are two major differences I have noticed since the loss period and the gain period, or as I thought of it maintenance (lol). Food logging had become second nature, except I no longer measured anything, whether with scales, spoons, or eyeballing. If I ate ice cream, I logged it as ½ cup period, hamburger…5 oz., close enough, etc, etc. The second thing I noticed was my thoughts on sweets. During the loss phase, I would eat one sweet treat a day, usually an Andes mint, or if I had more calories to spare a measured out serving of Hungry Jack pancake mix with syrup and chocolate chips. I noticed that making the treat myself left me less likely to pig out. My attitude over the past year or so has been more like…F- it, let’s party, donuts, brownies, ice cream, cake, you name it. Yes I logged it (guestimated), after I ate it. Things have been out of control.


So…why the Wall-O-Text? To cry about my pitiful self, beg for encouragement, vent (maybe)? NO. I needed to write this down to remind me where I am and where I’d like to be, and how, at one point, I was almost there.


MFP has given me the resources (for free), to learn about nutrition, weight loss, and fitness. I have learned many things from my MFP friends who after all these years are still logging and pressing on. The tools are all there just like before and my willpower tank is ready. For the last two weeks almost, I have logged everything I’ve ate, measured, weighed, and even eyeballed (honestly). I have also been logging BEFORE I eat so I’ll know where I stand when my brain says, “oh yea baby, go get some more taters big boy, you deserve it.” I have started the downward trend once again, down 2 lbs already. Whether those 2 are coincidence or not, I really needed them to kick off this new era in my fitness and well-being…Journey.

Faithfully,
Smitty


PS. TLDPR (too long didn’t proof read mutha suckas)