Having Trouble Getting Over My Ex

Metamorphasis555 · June 2011

After dating for 3 years, he broke up with me just under a year ago. After all this time (a year), I still have days where I'm sad & cry because I miss him so much. He was kind of a jerk though this past year because I told him right up front, unless you want to reconcile, please don't contact me at all anymore yet he continued to contact me off and on (mostly on) for this whole past year. There were plenty of times that I ignored his efforts to contact me (cuz I realized he was just trying to keep me on a "string" rather than being serious about us reconciling). There were a few times this past year that he begged me to go back out with him but then when I agreed to it he changed his mind. As you can probably imagine, I wasn't real happy about him doing that. Three months ago is the last time I saw him in person & stupidly had sex with him partially because I thought we were trying to reconcile. He's really broken my heart & jerked me around & so it seems like it should be easier for me to get over him. So, why does it hurt so bad then to see that he's changed his main FB pic to one of him & whoever his new GF is?

I loved this man so much that I wanted to marry him & have a family with him & so it hurts alot that he obviously doesn't feel the same way about me since he's had at least a few GF's since we split up a year ago. It hurts so much that he keeps choosing to be with other girls instead of choosing to reconcile with me. Each time I've seen a pic of him with his latest new GF (so far it seems like none of them have lasted for more than 1 or 2 months), I'm just totally dumbfounded cuz each one seems to get progressively uglier. Not to be mean or shallow but in all seriousness...it's like I see their pics & it's like what the h&&l?? Now granted, I'm pretty overweight at the moment (though I am working on changing that) so it's not like I'm perfect. However, I think most people would say that I'm alot prettier than these girls are & it almost makes me feel worse about the whole thing cuz I just can't understand what in the world he sees in this girls that he didn't/doesn't see in me. Also, all the GF's he's had since we broke up & especially the one he's seeing now look like they could all stand to lose some weight as well. I know that's it definitely not all about looks but I'd like to think I have alot of good inner qualities as well & that I have alot to offer as a woman.

I think part of it might be that he's maybe got some commitment issues as things were for the most part okay with us until I (stupidly) started talking about engagement, marriage, etc. & I think that really freaked him out. He's 35, never been married, no kids. Or...maybe I'M just not the one that inspired him to WANT to make a lifelong commitment to someone.

In any case, he's been dating other girls pretty much since right after our breakup a year ago & I was so heartbroken about the breakup that I didn't feel ready to start dating again until fairly recently (two months ago). Met a few nice guys so far & had alot of fun on some of my dates but I just can't seem to shake this sadness over my ex. Any suggestions about this would be much appreciated. Thanks.

cheeksv · June 2011

You will get a lot of this but you just need to let it go. Let him go and get over the situation. It is so understandable why you are so upset I mean you wanted to MARRY him but, he did not want to marry you ( harsh but there it is). It would be weird if you didnt feel this way but there is having feelings and there is being so wrapped into the situation and your misery that nothing else gets the needed attention. Just take your time, love him but if hes not right for you just leave it at that " i love you but we are not meant to be" and move on. You will be happy again one day

have no fear

NikkisNewStart · June 2011

Do you really think so little of yourself? This guy is a douche bag. He is an immature jerk that likes toying with your emotions. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to let yourself be treated like that. I wouldn't spit on someone like that if he was on fire.

It's time to move on and stop being a doormat. Number 1: Stop stalking his FB page. You need to delete him or if you aren't friends with him on FB and are still visiting his page... that's even worse.

I'm hoping that by you being on MFP that you will start to build your self esteem and realize that you deserve much more in life than some guy that treats women like crap.

i_love_vinegar · June 2011

This makes me really sad. I can relate to both you and your ex boyfriend because I AM basically in his position.

I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and broke up with him just under 6 months ago...My ex has told me on and off to not contact him, or to contact him. I feel terrible, as I would love to have a friendship with him, but I don't want him to feel lead on. I have been asked a few times since we broke up, and went out with one guy...Didn't have feelings like I did for my ex -- my ex (like you) is better than these other guys, however. He is a really good catch.

The problem is, he was basically my first boyfriend and I didn't feel real chemistry. Also, he wasn't supportive of certain aspects of my life...which bothered me. My ex is honestly an amazing guy...I just didn't feel the chemistry...I didn't feel it was right.

I'm not sure how old you are -- could you share that? I am 21, and my ex is in his late 20s. I can't quite explain it, but I just want you to know, your ex probably is in a similar state as I am. You are probably near perfect, but the feelings/chemistry aren't things that can be changed.

I recommend focusing on yourself before starting a new relationship. I hope this helps!

GThealth · June 2011

I was in a similar boat a few years ago. But when I told him not to contact me again...I meant it. And he didn't try again.

Delete his phone number from speed dial, block him on facebook and take an active role in the "not contacting." Don't answer the phone if you see it's him, blocking him on facebook and not returning his texts will all help to give him the hint it's over. (And checking his profile and seeing him with a new girl will NOT help you get over him.) Facebook for me was the hardest one to give up...but it helps soooo much. Out of sight, out of mind.

If he knows you're willing and waiting he will continue to contact you. If he knows you're willing to have sex, he will turn to you during a "dry spell"...and now that he's with all these other girls, you're more likely to catch some random disease. Stop sleeping with him (it only keeps you attached to him). Stop seeing him (if possible). If he wanted to be with you, he would be. I know it sounds harsh and I honestly have no idea what went on between you two, etc...but, I do know that if a man is scared he's going to lose his one and only, he will do everything he can to prove himself. He will not post pictures of different girls, sleep with you only to ignore you, or any of the other things this joker has been up to.

Getting over an ex is difficult and it can take a lot of time. Take the time and don't let anyone tell you that you should be "over it." You'll know when you're ready. Try your best not to let the troubles with the ex influence your weight loss negatively.

Best of luck! Try to focus on all the good in your life.

lstnlondry · June 2011

I'm sorry about the hurt. I do know this, even though I don't know you: EVERYONE deserves happiness, everyone deserves to be loved, treated kindly and everyone deserves a chance at all of life's pleasures. Clearly this person has issues that are reflecting on you, brush it off because it's not your problem. You work on you, you believe in yourself and everything will fall into place.

Pebble321 · June 2011

I know it doesn't seem like the pain will ever go away, but time really does help.
And making the decision to focus on being the best YOU, that you can be. You don't need him in your life, you can be happy and fulfilled and a strong and powerful woman on your own. Concentrate on the things that make you feel good about yourself. Spend time with friends or girlfriends who support you. Just because he wants to play games and stay in touch doesn't mean you have to. Take the advice of the previous poster about not answering his calls, not checking his Facebook page.
Once you are happy and comfortable in your own skin you will be able to look back and be proud of how you moved on from this tough time.

AdorablePanda · June 2011

I agree with GThealth. *internet hugs*....I know you know you are better off without him. Your heart just won't admit it. I've been in that boat before.
Just be glad you got rid of him before he could hurt you more. Don't let him control you. You are in control of your life. You are beautiful. and you are on the path to become even more stunning. I do not doubt that you are better looking than the chicks he is with now. It's called karma, someday somehow, he's gonna get his. And while he's being miserable you will be appreciated and treated well by a man who knows that you deserve his respect and love. Trust me....I went from a zero to a hero.

Metamorphasis555 · June 2011

Thanks cheeksv. I probably should have stopped talking to him a long time ago as even after all this time, my feelings for him are way too strong for me to be okay with being just friends with him. He definitely has jerked me around this past year which I'm sure made the breakup alot harder on me although at least now I'm finally starting to accept some responsibility for that (i.e. he jerked me around because in a sense I let him jerk me around by still continuing to talk to him). Several months ago, during one of the times he begged me to be his girlfriend again, he even took me to look at engagement rings which was his idea. I was so happy at the time because of course I thought wow he really must be serious about wanting to reconcile but within just a few days of him taking me to look at rings, he had changed his mind & basicaly said he wasn't "ready" for us to get back together.

I just wish that he'd respect my need to move on & that I don't want him contacting me at all unless he's actually serious about us reconciling. What usually happens though is that anytime he's single (& occasionally when he's not single), he'll contact me on a regular basis just to say hi, ask me what's new, ask if I have a boyfriend, etc. I think he just does that to try to get reassurance that IF he ever decides he wants me back, that I'll be right there waiting for him & I think that's a very selfish thing for him to do because he's got to know that it's pretty upsetting to me when every time I don't hear from him for a few weeks or a few months & then he contacts me only to find out that nothings changed & he's still not serious about wanting to reconcile. Crying right now while I type this. I just want to stop feeling sad about him already.

Metamorphasis555 · June 2011

ilovevinegar-To answer your age question, my exbf & I are both in our mid 30's.

To those of you who suggested I defriend him and/or block him on FB and/or stop checking his profile:
The other night, I actually went on Facebook to add him to my blocked users list only to discover that he had already blocked me. He had to have just done it within the last few days because just a few dasy before that when I almost blocked him on FB (but at the time decided against it), I could still see his profile & when I went on there the other night, his profile was nowhere to be found. I figured the only reason he would have blocked me on there would be if he changed his main profile pic to one of him & his new gf & he maybe didn't want me to see the pic because he thought it would upset me. Really have no idea why he blocked me but that's my best guess as I certainly hadn't been bothering him on there...It had actually been quite some time since I bothered contacting him on FB. A friend of mine let me search for him under her profile as we figured he wouldn't have blocked her & sure enough his profile popped right up at the top of the list with a pic of him & his latest gf. Last time I heard from him was this past Thursday & he didn't say anything about not wanting to talk to me anymore. About a week prior to that, he tried contacting me several times via text & phone. At first, I ignored him but then ended up giving in & talking to him last Wed. & Thur. which was a big mistake as all talking to him did was make me feel even more upset.

Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to write to me & give me advice about my ex situation. I really appreciate it!

Metamorphasis555 · June 2011

GTHealth said, in part:

"Try not to let your ex influence your weight loss negatively".

I'm embarassed to say that I think he has as part of why I've had trouble sticking to my weight loss plan is that I've been all depressed about him. However, I'm NOT going to let him effect me like this anymore as I deserve to look & feel my very best!

syiyi · June 2011

YOU DESERVE BETTER!! NO NEED TO WAIT AROUND FOR HIM. The best revenge you can have is look HOT !!

be nice to yourself and change the way you look now.. you will be happier tomorrow.

Best wishes!!!

cartern1 · June 2011

I was pretty bad for about year when I split with my ex

I just try keep a strong head, f*%k them kind of attitude.

I mostly over it although things still remind me of her all the time. (like this song i'm listening to)

Tomorrow is a new day, you don't need them in your life

Edit: ths song is - There She Goes (A little heartache) - Pete Doherty / Babyshambles

Behavior_Modification · July 2011

I had a very similar situation...4 yr relationship, engaged, broke up last November and it took a good 6 months before I was even ready to start dating again. I still had so many unresolved feelings for him.

The best advice I got was.....He is Mr. Past. You deserve so much better. Time to find Mr. Right.

Don't forget he is Mr. Past, and if it helps, pretend that is his new name.

Having Trouble Getting Over My Ex

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