Taser for protection very funny

This wasin our Gisborne Herald newspaper today.

A perfect gift for the missus
Thursday, June 30, 2011 • Murray Ferris
I CAME across this little gem the other day and for all you guys out there struggling with a gift idea, read on:
A perfect wedding anniversary gift, that little extra something — a 100,000 volt pocket/purse-sized Taser. I bought the device, loaded the AA batteries and pushed the button — nothing. So I pressed it again and held it against a metal surface. Wow, a nice blue arc darted between the prongs. I will have to explain to the missus what the burn mark is on her new fridge door though.
I sat there thinking how awesome is that, from two tiny batteries. Just then Gracie the cat walked past — I am thinking I need to try this on some real-life flesh and blood. I did think of zapping Gracie (for a split second) but she is such a sweet cat. However I need to make sure this sucker works before I give it to my wife for her protection.
So there I am in my recliner, in a pair of shorts, a tank top, my reading glasses perched on my nose, directions in one hand and Taser in the other. According to the intructions, a one second burst will shock and disorientate your assailant, a two second burst will cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three second burst will purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any longer is a waste of batteries.
I am looking at this tiny thing, cute and pink, thinking “No way”. What happens next defies description, but I will do my best.
Gracie has her head cocked to one side saying don’t do it, and I’m thinking a one second burst couldn’t hurt too badly — what the heck, so I touched the prongs to my naked thigh and pressed the button . . . . Holy mother of God, weapons of mass destruction, what the...!!!!!
Now, I am pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran through the side door, picked me up and body slammed me and the chair on the carpet at least 50 times. I vaguely recall waking up in the foetal position, tears in my eyes, body soaked with sweat, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm under me in a weird position and a tingling in both legs.
Gracie was making meowing sounds I have never heard before, clinging to the top of the curtains, a terrified look on her face.
If you are ever tempted to try this believe me, there is no such thing as a one second burst — you cannot let go of that sucker until it is dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing around.
I believe it was only a little more than a minute later when I sat up and surveyed the landscape. My broken glasses were on the mantlepiece, my recliner was upside down about a metre from its usual spot, my triceps and right thigh were still twitching uncontrollably, and my face felt like it had been shot with Novocain — my bottom lip weighed about 80 kilos. Slobber was running down my chin. Apparently I had messed my shorts too but was too numb to be sure and my sense of smell had gone anyway. A faint smoke cloud hung over my head — I believe that came from my hair.
Well, I recovered eventually. I still have no idea where my man bits are but have offered a significant reward for their safe return. The really hurtful part is that my wife can’t stop laughing about it. She loved the gift, though, and now regularly threatens me with it.