TRYING to understand my family

get_fit2009
get_fit2009 Posts: 827 Member
edited September 29 in Health and Weight Loss
Last Christmas we were with family in California for the WHOLE vacation. When you live away from family and then go spend time with them, you see things in a different, more stark light. I realized that on both sides of our family - NOBODY goes to a gym, NOBODY watches what they eat, EVERYBODY drinks on a daily basis and NOBODY wants to hear that they need to change their habits. I really don't get it. I am not perfect and I have my cheat days and my stretches where I don't get my workouts in, but I KEEP TRYING. At what point do you just give up? At what point does someone say, screw it, I'm going to be a 300 pound woman who gets drunk every night even though the doctor has said there is a liver problem????? It is so VERY frustrating to have people you love not take care of themselves and to wrap themselves in a ball of denial. It also makes me sad when I get told that they are tired of seeing my FB links showing that I worked out. I actually stopped my MFP links showing my exercise - too many haters, mostly from my FAMILY. Seriously???? Thanks for the support, fam! I have NOT been in your face about it, but I'm also NOT going to stop doing what I'm doing just because it makes them feel guilty.

Thank you for the chance to vent. Wish I could do something to change their minds and ways, but some things are just out of my control. *sigh*

Replies

  • bunchesonothing
    bunchesonothing Posts: 1,015 Member
    I understand you wanting to help them and on the other token, as bad as it is for their health, that's their choice. But I would not for one second, take down stuff due to complaints that someone didn't like to see that I was exercising. If you can't change them, they don't have a right to change you.
  • giammarcor
    giammarcor Posts: 217 Member
    Bravo!! Do what's best for you. Your family should accept that and support it.
  • Tomhusker
    Tomhusker Posts: 346 Member
    If you ever get them figured out let me know... maybe you could help me figure mine out.
  • NightOwl1
    NightOwl1 Posts: 881 Member
    Unfortunately, some people just don't want to be helped, and the sooner you stop trying, the less frustrating it'll be.

    Still, tell them to shut it when it comes to your fitness and health. They're supposed to be supportive of you even if it isn't their lifestyle. I'd threaten to defriend them on FB if they don't behave themselves and support you.
  • babs23
    babs23 Posts: 86
    Jillian Michaels talks about this a lot on her podcasts. It's a common question from callers. You should have a listen.

    Basically, she says that you can't "crack a green nut," so-to-speak. Unless that person (no matter how much you love them) is ready to make a change, you can't force it. You have to let it go. *shrugs*
  • SammyPacks
    SammyPacks Posts: 697 Member
    I know exactly what you mean!!! I mean I have some family members who are taking control of their health (my older step-brother Joseph who was overweight and took care of himself ever since he was 16 - now he's 23 and looking awesome! and my sister jumped on the band wagon and lost 30 pounds!) I hope she keeps it up... but my mom and step dad are horrible!!! I live with them (gonna move soon though), my mom has colon cancer and they just found something in her lungs recently... and she eats so poorly and she's overweight and all she does is sleep and sit in her chair! :( She can hardly stand up from it and when she does it seems like a workout itself! It's horrible to see, and it's starting to make me angry for some reason... and then my step dad! UGH I don't like him already lol... and he's so overweight and I feel he deserved that since he called his son horrible names when he was chubby and stuff... >_> They just shove their mouths with fast food and do nothing about it...

    Once I went downstairs to put away dishes before my run (already in my clothes) and they offered me pizza and mid through me saying no my mom's like "I know you're gonna go run..." xD they're supportive of me and everything... just wish they'd do something about themselves!
  • beverlyl64
    beverlyl64 Posts: 381
    I actually told my family if they didn't like what I post of FB to delete me. It's my page and I will not have them tell me what to post. I'm an adult for goodness sake.
  • bigdawg025
    bigdawg025 Posts: 774 Member
    But I would not for one second, take down stuff due to complaints that someone didn't like to see that I was exercising. If you can't change them, they don't have a right to change you.

    This!!!! There's no way in hell you should take your stuff down because you feel bad for THEM!!! They need to see it and feel guilty if that's what's happening! Maybe eventually they'll get it. I agree... let NOBODY change you!!!!
  • rtmama
    rtmama Posts: 403 Member
    If it helps, you might tell them to "ignore" MFP - because it's being posted by this site TO facebook, I am pretty sure it can be ignored, without actually ignoring you when you post to your profile yourself.

    Good luck!
  • CherrySunday
    CherrySunday Posts: 301
    I'm sorry they're making you feel bad for making good choices. I've never understood the people who get all negative when someone close to them is doing something good for themselves! My only guess is that they feel bad about themselves, and see your progress as a threat, because they know somewhere deep down that they are NOT making the best choices in their life.

    Try and not let it get you down if you can. Lead by example, and maybe one day they'll wake up and get it. Until then, you just have to remember that the only person you can change is you. Just don't let them drag you down!
  • anewattitude
    anewattitude Posts: 483 Member
    I also have had family members with health issues who refused to deal with them and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. It's their bodies, their health and their journey. All you can do is focus on your own health. People who truly care about you will support your efforts to be healthy or the very least not criticize you for it. Post your workouts with pride! You work hard and you deserve to be proud of that.

    I hope your family starts to be more supportive. The good news is many people on here will support you as most of us are working towards the same goal.

    Best wishes and continued success!
  • ritafay2011
    ritafay2011 Posts: 85
    Sorry to hear this!! don't let anyone rain on your parade'/:tongue:
  • BusyB223
    BusyB223 Posts: 248 Member
    Don't try to understand them. You are responsible for yourself and you are doing what you need to do to make sure your health is where it should. They don't want you to feel good about yourself or look good but that is their problem. So hang in there and keep doing you. They will be alright.
  • get_fit2009
    get_fit2009 Posts: 827 Member
    Thank you everyone! My MFPers will be my "Self-Improvement Family". Now, please excuse me while I go re-link my exercises to FB. :bigsmile:
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
    That is their problem, not yours. They're just envious of you because you are getting better and better. Do what you want that makes you happy and don't let others feel you down.
  • Thriceshy
    Thriceshy Posts: 708 Member
    Last Christmas we were with family in California for the WHOLE vacation. When you live away from family and then go spend time with them, you see things in a different, more stark light. I realized that on both sides of our family - NOBODY goes to a gym, NOBODY watches what they eat, EVERYBODY drinks on a daily basis and NOBODY wants to hear that they need to change their habits. I really don't get it. I am not perfect and I have my cheat days and my stretches where I don't get my workouts in, but I KEEP TRYING. At what point do you just give up? At what point does someone say, screw it, I'm going to be a 300 pound woman who gets drunk every night even though the doctor has said there is a liver problem????? It is so VERY frustrating to have people you love not take care of themselves and to wrap themselves in a ball of denial. It also makes me sad when I get told that they are tired of seeing my FB links showing that I worked out. I actually stopped my MFP links showing my exercise - too many haters, mostly from my FAMILY. Seriously???? Thanks for the support, fam! I have NOT been in your face about it, but I'm also NOT going to stop doing what I'm doing just because it makes them feel guilty.

    Thank you for the chance to vent. Wish I could do something to change their minds and ways, but some things are just out of my control. *sigh*

    I have family members who do the tight, fake little smile and say, "That's nice, I'm really happy for you" when what they mean is "Die, I hate you." Okay, maybe most of them don't meant quite that, but it's close, and it's obvious they're not really happy for me at all. The reason is clear--when MY doctor said, "You're diabetic," I did something about it. I didn't say, "Give me drugs" and refuse to make lifestyle changes. I didn't continue to do things the way I had been--the way I had been was killing me. But my family? Still the same ol', no changes, no dietary shifts, no exercise, nothing like that. And so the response I get is less than joyous when I talk about weight lost or less back pain or terrific blood sugar readings.

    As far as your Facebook posts? Make your posts--it's your Facebook, and if they don't like it, they can hide your posts!

    Be proud.

    Kris
  • Mom2rh
    Mom2rh Posts: 612 Member
    Well. How about leading by example. Don't preach. It will turn them off. If they notice and want to know more, they'll ask you. If you preach they will be resentful and not want to hear it.

    You don't choose family.
  • circusmom
    circusmom Posts: 662 Member
    Your not alone in the boat, 2 week ends ago both my inlaws were in the hospital, my mother in law was admitted with her blood pressure so high they thought she would have a stroke, and my father inlaw got so worked up in the ER he collapsed and the doc thought he had another heart attack.
    As I'm visiting them in the hospital, (they shared a room) MIL gives me hell for drinking crystal light and trying to lose weight (won't drink that in front of her again).
    Last week end was my sons BDay party, and here they both are smoking and eating like *kitten*, they brought their own cheedarwurst to snack on while lunch was cooking. They also didn't like the way I made the side items, olive oil mayo in the potato salad, extra veggies in the pasta salad, so they went to the store to get their own full fat and processed choices.
    Sad huh.
  • MsKeelah919
    MsKeelah919 Posts: 332 Member
    I get it. I understand the feeling of being inadequate, even though you can do something about it. There's a sort of jealousy that comes with facing someone else doing something for themselves that you wont do for you. This however, is THEIR issue. the best thing that you can do is continue to do your best on your journey and live by example.

    I get that a lot from coworkers and family alike. Since I've changed my habits, we've had more pizza, canolis and bagles that can be eaten. M y mom keeps giving me 'reasons' why I can have 'just a taste' and why she is totally healthy, even though she eats fast food often, is pretty sedentary and doesnt take ANY care of her deteriorating health whatsoever. Its almost as if they dont realize they too can change and affect their healthy positively. Then I remember, it wasnt THAT long ago, that I wasnt as 'mindfull' either. Hopefully I can be a good example. :)

    ...ah the perils of the pioneer!!! Enjoy being a healthy example for your family!!
  • kanonxbou47
    kanonxbou47 Posts: 265 Member
    My family is like this too...I try to subtly give them chances to be active, like playing Power Rangers with my brother (he's 7) or inviting my mother on a walk with me. Also, I give them healthy snacks. It's not much, but it's what I can do without pissing them off. I don't know why it's so hard to make healthy choices, or why you would want to close your eyes to your problems and shorten your life.
    And as for the Facebook thing, that's just bullsh!t. Post whatever you want. Maybe they could use the encouragement, and if you're proud of your workouts, it's great to tell the world.
    Good luck.
  • mt_nest
    mt_nest Posts: 37 Member
    I know exactly what you mean. I get made fun of all the time by friends and family members about my choice to turn down a yummy treat or have to go to bed early so I can get up at 5 to exercise. You know what I finally realized? That's their problem. People don't want you to succeed because it makes them feel like failures.

    My journey is between God and me. He wants me to live a good life and he helps keep me motivated - even at 5 a.m.

    I read a great quote on MFP recently. It said "Obsession is a lazy person's definition of dedication."
  • get_fit2009
    get_fit2009 Posts: 827 Member
    "Obsession is a lazy person's definition of dedication."

    EXCELLENT quote!
  • Thriceshy
    Thriceshy Posts: 708 Member
    I get it. I understand the feeling of being inadequate, even though you can do something about it. There's a sort of jealousy that comes with facing someone else doing something for themselves that you wont do for you. This however, is THEIR issue. the best thing that you can do is continue to do your best on your journey and live by example.

    I get that a lot from coworkers and family alike. Since I've changed my habits, we've had more pizza, canolis and bagles that can be eaten. M y mom keeps giving me 'reasons' why I can have 'just a taste' and why she is totally healthy, even though she eats fast food often, is pretty sedentary and doesnt take ANY care of her deteriorating health whatsoever. Its almost as if they dont realize they too can change and affect their healthy positively. Then I remember, it wasnt THAT long ago, that I wasnt as 'mindfull' either. Hopefully I can be a good example. :)

    ...ah the perils of the pioneer!!! Enjoy being a healthy example for your family!!

    Oh, goodness, don't I know this one! My mother was AWFUL for that--I'd announce I was watching my intake and she'd come home with a dozen donuts. Without fail. I'd express concern that my son was eating too much junk and she'd come home with candy bars for him. There was a stretch where I had lost 73 lbs, and she went into overdrive--offering fast food almost every day (so the kids can play in Playland!). At first I'd go, and I'd get a plain (not fried) chicken sandwich, no condiments, and a small fry with a diet coke. My son wouldn't eat the chicken tenders, he thought they were gross, so that was good. But as time passed, watching them eat their double quarter pounders with extra-extra cheese, mega fries, large sodas, AND giant shakes, I started to slide. It was the beginning of a hundred and fifty (!) pound gain, and I have no one to blame but me. But boy, it doesn't feel good knowing your family is intentionally sabotaging you in order to keep you from being healthier.

    This time? I don't take an ounce of it. She shows up at my house with edible crap, I stick it in the fridge, then send her home with it when she leaves. She asks if my boy would like a treat, I say, "Sure, he could use some guitar picks." She asks what I want for my birthday dinner and acts positively scandalized when I say I want homemade rotisserie chicken with steamed veggies and fresh fruit for dessert. But she doesn't get to drag me off track ever again.

    Kris
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