Husband Trouble
waterjogger
Posts: 114
I don't really know how to say this in a nice way, but my husband seems to be doing a super job of seeing to it that I never eat healthy or lose weight. He went to the grocery store today to pick up prescriptions that he was out of and came home with "groceries" that are supposed to last our family of five for two weeks, and blew our whole grocery budget on said "groceries". The only vegetable he came home with was corn on the cob-enough for 1 meal. The only fruit was a small watermelon and a bag of apples. (I HATE watermelon!!!) I'm diabetic and everything he bought was full of carbs-Ramen Noodle Soup-two GIANT packages-do you know how much fat and sodium is in that???? My hands and feet are swelling just thinking about it. We've had pizza about 10 times this week because when I tell him there is nothing to fix for supper he whips out the ole visa card and orders PIZZA!!!! I literally lost it tonight. I've asked him before to please let me or my oldest daughter do the shopping but he constantly goes out and wastes the food budget on junk. We ended up going out to eat again tonight because THERE WAS NOTHING TO COOK!!!! Anytime I mention buying groceries he says we don't have any money left-but he always manages to find enough on the ole visa card for pizza-but not a head of lettuce, broccoli or cauliflower!!!! I'm just so tired of this. He is heavier than I am and has some pretty major health problems of his own-he quit taking some of his medicine for extremely high cholesterol and triglycerides-I'm talking trigs of 1200, and cholesterol around 500. He's like a walking heart attack!!! On the rare occasion that I get to fix a healthy meal he gets up and makes himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because he's "hungry". I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry tonight after I unpacked the "groceries". He just doesn't seem to get it. I've tried dragging him to the nutritionist, getting counseling, and of course they're all "idiots" and know nothing. I tried getting him to join here and he laughed at all of us "idiots" and made fun of the name I chose to go by. I'm so angry I can't sleep even though it's 4am here. Talking to him does no good, getting angry does no good. I just have no clue of what to do at this point. I want to go out in the backyard and scream at the top of my lungs, but he'd sleep right through it!!! HELP!!!!!:explode: :mad: :explode: :mad: :explode: :mad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
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Replies
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Where did you go out to eat and what did you choose?
I'm sorry your husband isn't supporting you, but he's probably not very clued-in about healthy food and diabetes- some people just aren't. And sadly, nobody can force him to change that - even though he needs to get healthy himself, that's his prerogative sadly and you can't make him - he needs to start himself, hopefully you can inspire him! You need to take responsibility for yourself and do your own shopping, or give him a list next time
Good luck! 0 -
It's kind of underhanded, but there's one thing to consider. Take the stuff back and exchange it for what you want/need. I didn't know grocery stores take things back, but they actually do! Do it while he's at work--come home and make dinner. Make a ton of it and freeze portions for later. Beat him at his own game. I know it's mean, but at some point you have to do what's right for you.0
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Oh, i feel for you - that must be so difficult. I have a supportive husband (most of the time) so i guess i am lucky.
I would just try to make sure that ONLY you do the food shopping - does he go and do it because you are busy doing something else?
Or, can you hide the food budget money? Keep it on you?0 -
And, morbid and nasty this sounds - I hope he's got income/life insurance to pay off that pizza loaded visa when his health issues finally catch up with him!0
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Water, I am so sorry your husband is such a sabotager, I think it probably comes from being scared to change and scared to see you change. Mine is similar, except that in our house I am in charge of all the grocery shopping and cooking so at least the kids and I eat healthily most of the time. He eats out a lot with work and is also often to be found munching toast because he is "hungry" when he has spotted that a meal is healthy.
What I am trying to live with is the fact that you cannot change his behaviour and attitudes, only he can do that although it is incredibly frustrating. So, the only people you can have some control over are yourself and possibly your kids. Make sure that you get some of the budget off him and get your own healthy stuff so that you can eat well, if he doesn't want it then fine, he doesn't have to eat it but he should not be feeding you all crap food bought on a credit card, just ensure that you have eaten well so it is easier to say no.
He cannot control what you eat, only you can do that - the same applies vice versa (sadly). I do hope though that he is not raising your children to be obese.
Good luck, you've almost lost your first stone, so you are clearly managing results despite him - carry on!0 -
Why are you letting him do the shopping?
If you're unable to physically go to the shops yourself for some reason, how about shopping online (if that's possible, I'm in the UK so this might not be possible if you live in a remote location without online shopping available)?
Losing weight is all about taking control of your diet, and you can't do that unless you have control over your food sources.
Good luck!0 -
Also an idea, you make dinner for you and your daughter but he takes care of him, divide the grocery money for this split and let's just see if he doesn't follow you later on when he sees the weight loss and homemade dinner...0
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Sorry : (
My husbands not that supportive either. He's seen me lose weight then put it back on and says what's going to change this time?
I like the comment on returning the groceries, especially if he will not let you do the shopping. Also, how can he justify spending money on pizza but not healthy food? Good luck and I hope you get this figured out soon.0 -
I hope he comes around. Unfortunately it take a an actual heart attack or stroke for some to realize how important healthy living is and he may be that type of person. I hope you can manage to convince him before this happens. I am 43 years old and my doctor only had to tell me once the importance of a lifestyle change or I will experience health issues down the road. I lost a total of 47 pounds and I am in better shape then some teenagers. All of my number are normal, I concentrate better and I don't get sick.0
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Bring him over to my ouse. Have you ever seen the show "Wife swap"...ooooh I will sure whip him into shape for u. I am so pissed off at him right now. I cant believe he rather eat all that crap instead of getting healthy and living longer. This journey for u will be hard because u dont have support at home from ur husband. SO u actually need MFP for support. ANd we are here to support u all the way. You fix your heathy food. If he doesnt eat it then so be it, its just more leftovers for tomorrow. If u have to go out for dinner at a restaurant, try to pick out some "healthy" items, with not alot of salt. Im so frustrated at ur husband right now, and I dont even know him. U can add me as a friend anytime I will support u all the way.0
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Im so sorry, that is just awful. I think sometimes its easier for people to just eat unhealthy because at the time, the food tastes better. After years and years of not eating well, he probably is having a hard time with this change. I agree with the lady that said to return the food. Return it, and get what you need to make healthy meals. Tell him its what you guys are eating and then one day a week you can make something unhealthy for him that he likes. You have to stand yoru ground on this. Im so sorry!!0
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wow, i'm so sorry to hear that!
i know this is kind of corny but maybe you could write him a letter?
often in the heat of the moment things don't come out right & he may get defensive but writing him a letter & giving it to him when things are good between you guys, it'll surely come off a different way & maybe he'll finally understand how important not only your health but also his own is?
just a suggestion. (:0 -
I'm so sorry for you, this sounds like an awful situation to be in, not only is he hindering you but belittling you and mocking your name on here, that is just downright rude and is blatantly emotional abuse!!
Is he like this in other aspects of your lifes or just where food is concerned. I think you've had some good advice from above posters and I would definitely split the money and buy your own food in future and when he buys pizza, DON'T EAT IT!!! x0 -
Don't let that deter you. Get some of that amt spend it for you and your kids and let him spend the other amount. If he wants to live that lifestyle then you can't change his mind.
Some people just can't stand to see other people succeed. It's up to you to keep going and living that life you deserve. Let him get his own groceries and you guys yours.0 -
Hi I know exactly how you feel my fiance is very unhealthy 300lb+ and he was trying to sabotage my efforts at every turn. We finally had it out that he was scared that if I dropped all the weight that I would drop him. Which I pointed out that him not supporting me was pushing me away more than any weight loss. It's taken a while but my determination and just refusing to eat the junk (I even had a point of just eating toast or cerial for dinner. So now he buys what he want,and I buy for me. Like others have said you can't change someone who doesn't want too.
Take care0 -
My hubby's much the same....a walking heart attack. We shop together so I put healthy stuff in the trolley. He fills it with cakes, desserts, etc.....then tells me we must start eating healthier! He's supposed to be having blood test for glucose & renal testing, but he's still stuffing the sugary muck! Yes....I will admit I DO get tempted, but only cos it's there (don't mention yesterday), but I control it.
If you can't shop with him, is it not possible to give him a list to stick to? Or even order online & get them to deliver?
Sue
x 0 -
It's kind of underhanded, but there's one thing to consider. Take the stuff back and exchange it for what you want/need. I didn't know grocery stores take things back, but they actually do! Do it while he's at work--come home and make dinner. Make a ton of it and freeze portions for later. Beat him at his own game. I know it's mean, but at some point you have to do what's right for you.
I like this idea, or the splitting of the grocery budget. My husband is supportive but doesn't always get the 'low fat' thing. Our budget does't allow for the purchase of separate meals for me than the rest of the family so I try to modify what he makes (he does pretty much all the cooking). If he make bolognese, I use wholewheat pasta but I halve the portions. I think on some level he assumes that if I'm trying to lose weight that I must be starving and the portions are HUGE.
There are ways and means. But unfortunately it means adding another challege to the whole process. He may change his mind about the groceries once he see's how good you look & feel when you are losing weight!0 -
you make dinner for you and your daughter but he takes care of him, divide the grocery money for this split
I think this is a terrific suggestion! ! !
My heart goes out to you because making a healthy choice sometimes takes all the will power we have and to have someone working against you makes it all the much harder to do. But your willingness to succeed tells me one thing....YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN.
If it is any consolation - my person opinion is that he is scared of making a change or in a since letting go of what he enjoys. Maybe the fear comes from thinking that eating healthy is all about eating lettuce day in and day out?
If you can manage to split the money and introduce him some tasty filling healthy meals he may be more willing to budge.
Good luck to you and keep trying!0 -
I don't really know how to say this in a nice way, but my husband seems to be doing a super job of seeing to it that I never eat healthy or lose weight. He went to the grocery store today to pick up prescriptions that he was out of and came home with "groceries" that are supposed to last our family of five for two weeks, and blew our whole grocery budget on said "groceries". The only vegetable he came home with was corn on the cob-enough for 1 meal. The only fruit was a small watermelon and a bag of apples. (I HATE watermelon!!!) I'm diabetic and everything he bought was full of carbs-Ramen Noodle Soup-two GIANT packages-do you know how much fat and sodium is in that???? My hands and feet are swelling just thinking about it. We've had pizza about 10 times this week because when I tell him there is nothing to fix for supper he whips out the ole visa card and orders PIZZA!!!! I literally lost it tonight. I've asked him before to please let me or my oldest daughter do the shopping but he constantly goes out and wastes the food budget on junk. We ended up going out to eat again tonight because THERE WAS NOTHING TO COOK!!!! Anytime I mention buying groceries he says we don't have any money left-but he always manages to find enough on the ole visa card for pizza-but not a head of lettuce, broccoli or cauliflower!!!! I'm just so tired of this. He is heavier than I am and has some pretty major health problems of his own-he quit taking some of his medicine for extremely high cholesterol and triglycerides-I'm talking trigs of 1200, and cholesterol around 500. He's like a walking heart attack!!! On the rare occasion that I get to fix a healthy meal he gets up and makes himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because he's "hungry". I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry tonight after I unpacked the "groceries". He just doesn't seem to get it. I've tried dragging him to the nutritionist, getting counseling, and of course they're all "idiots" and know nothing. I tried getting him to join here and he laughed at all of us "idiots" and made fun of the name I chose to go by. I'm so angry I can't sleep even though it's 4am here. Talking to him does no good, getting angry does no good. I just have no clue of what to do at this point. I want to go out in the backyard and scream at the top of my lungs, but he'd sleep right through it!!! HELP!!!!!:explode: :mad: :explode: :mad: :explode: :mad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
Honey...listen to the people on here. Do your own shopping. Take back groceries if you have to. When you go out...order for you. If it's pizza, make the best of it...cheese only, 1 slice. You can only control YOU...you're in charge of YOUR journey.
And if you don't have the support at home, know that there are hundreds of MFP members cheering for you here.
Good Luck.0 -
He is killing himself and trying to take YOU down in the process! This is so wrong! I pray it gets better!
Have you tried putting money aside specifically for you. You know what carribean women do? they have a secret bank account or cash stash that they keep from their husbands. it's just for themselves! For the sake of your health and future, if he isn't looking out for your health and future then you need to be!0 -
Thanks for all of the support and encouragement everyone. I'm feeling much better after I got some sleep and cooled down! I rearranged everything and gave him his own shelf in the pantry and frig and made it clear to the kiddos (and myself) that that was daddy's junk food shelf and that they needed to stay away from it. My daughter and I have been making up a new list and will be going shopping again today for some healthy stuff. (I just have to wait another couple of weeks to get my dishwasher fixed, which means I'll get lots of extra exercise washing dishes lol) Thanks for letting me rant and vent!!!! 0
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Thanks for all of the support and encouragement everyone. I'm feeling much better after I got some sleep and cooled down! I rearranged everything and gave him his own shelf in the pantry and frig and made it clear to the kiddos (and myself) that that was daddy's junk food shelf and that they needed to stay away from it. My daughter and I have been making up a new list and will be going shopping again today for some healthy stuff. (I just have to wait another couple of weeks to get my dishwasher fixed, which means I'll get lots of extra exercise washing dishes lol) Thanks for letting me rant and vent!!!!
Good for you!
After my first marriage, I realized that i needed to take control of my destiny. Even after getting engaged (going for marriage #2!), I have my own bank account and my fiancee & I have a joint account. I even told him he didn't need to put me on his, but I need to have my OWN account for my peace of mind. He could care less, which is great! He was reluctant about the whole "healthy" eating thing, but once I started making recipes and substituting lean ground beef & lean ground turkey, he realized that you CAN eat healthy AND be satisfied!
I wish you all the luck and hope your husband comes around. 0 -
I know what you mean, My husband gets angry when I ask him to go to the gym with me, and feels left out when I go alone. I have heard "I'll go tomorrow" to many times to count. He eats an entire package of Oreo's in one setting. He is 100 lbs more than I do and is about 2 inches shorter than me. His chest is huge and I can see how he gets tired just from doing a normal days worth of activity. He is the strongest person I know so I know some of that weight is muscle. His father had a heart attack and that didn't stop it. I constantly hear "We don't have any food in the house" the only vegetable he will eat is corn. When I fix peas or anything else he has said, no kidding, why don't you love me anymore. In the past every time I have started to lose weight more snacks come home, my trips to the gym get over ridden with house hold demands, "The laundry is sure piling up, The kids will miss you when you go" If I do leave the kids with him ( 3 and 5) the house is such a mess when I get home its just not worth it. Its like he purposly destroys the house, lets the kids put food and toys all over just to make me pay for leaving. The entire time he says, I want you to work out, I am supportive. How do I keep our marriage happy with out sacrificing myself? My husband is impossible to please.0
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Also healthier food is more expensive. But maybe u should do the shopping then u can get what u can eat. If he has always shopped this way he may not know what to get maybe make him a list.0
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I agree with most people. Maybe he really doesnt know what he is doing is a bad thing. Have you tried to educate him or make him a list and tell him look I cant be eating all of this crap... give him a list of foods that you would like to eat.
I see alot of people posting that healthy food is more expensive... and this is true to an extent.... in my opinion.
It depends on what your buying... Of course if you want to make a recipe that looks like it should be served at Shay Ray.... Then yeah its expensive.... but if your just eating small simple things like chicken veggies and fruit it is not that expensive.
Also ask him if he is trying to sabotage you... Maybe there is a reason. For instance most guys dont want their females to lose weight and get all sexy because they are afraid that they will leave them for another guy or cheat on them with someone better looking.... This thought was actually passed along by my fiance to you... because he said thats just the way guys think?0 -
I went through a similar scenario. The only difference is that because I work, I'm able to buy groceries. However, he would still cook dinner and put butter in my food and he would reshop and spend more of our money on additional food that we don't need. Then, he would tempt me with it.
Today, my husband shops at Wholefoods and reads nutrition labels. Last year, he could have been your husband. He's still not a perfect shopper, he might buy some dollar store junk with trans fat, but he has come a long, long way.
You'll need to remind him of his vows. He promised to love, honor, respect...you. He actions are not what love is about. So you need to protect yourself. I would start with counselling. I would remind him that as a husband, he is suppose to provide for me in a way that keeps me alive and healthy, if he still doesn't take me serious...I would take it a few more steps which would outrage you so I'm not going to mention it here.
Start by asking him if he loves you. Then tell him that love is a verb, not a noun.
Go online, reasearch, print-out and give him some evidence of what's going to happen if the health conditions are left unchecked.
Make a grocery list with a few things you need with consideration of some things he will want too (it will take time to pull him completely to your side).
Keep reminding him of his vows before you take the next step.
One more thing, don't go into the bathroom and cry. Let him see your pain so that he understands how serious this is.
Also, if his doctor is any good, The DR. will want to monitor his health very closely, especially if he is not taking his meds. If this is not happening, find a DR. who cares enough and will give your husband the stern talking to that he needs. Make those frequent visits to the dr.s office. Even consider sitting in for the first few minutes of the meeting with the dr. and express yourself to the dr. in the presence of your husband.
Hopefully, this will scare him straight and no further steps will be necessary.0 -
I love that, Love is a Verb, Not a Noun0
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