i've been such a....

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Emmea2729
Emmea2729 Posts: 100 Member
in Motivation and Support
*****!
ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. yes i love him.
but lately its just not fun anymore.
i think its because me and a friend - chris, have got closer. we've always been close anyway. and i think i may be falling for him. and i kissed him. its horrible because i don't regret it. but what i do regret is hurting my boyfriend. he doesnt deserve it.
it happened about a month ago now.
whenever we go out and chris is there, my boyfriend goes really clingy. he says he feels like chris is better than him. and that he cant make me laugh like chris can. which is true. because my bf has been so bloody miserable.
we argue so much more than we ever used to. over tiny things. he just loses his temper.
he punched a hole in my uni room (so no deposit back) because he got angry. he was standing right over me when he did it, i was so scared.
i don't enjoy sex with him anymore, all i want are cuddles. but he doesnt even do that like he used to. just an arm placed loosly over my shoulder. not actually holding me.

and its all happening at the worst time possible.
just got back from spain and while we were there, we found out my aunty was taken into hospital and on tuesday my mum is going in for a massive operation. and its like my bf doesnt get the seriousness of it. doesnt realised how stressed and upset i am. the other night in spain he drunk too much, and was ill. i sat up with him all night and i didnt even get a thank you.

but i cant bring myself to end it. im not happy. but im scared that it could be the wrong decision. my parents love my bf, they want us to last. i can imagine my mum being as heartbroken as us if it ended. his mates would hate me for it. and i know i should be doing what makes me happy, but i can't help think of everyone else first. i hate the thought of hurting him and im scared of what he would do. he's so dependant on me. and if i ended up with chris he'd get really angry.

just dont know what to do.

Replies

  • suzycreamcheese
    suzycreamcheese Posts: 1,766 Member
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    you need to either end it with your boyfriend before you do something stupid and betray him, or distance yourself from Chris or both.

    I think some time to yourself to figure out what you really want might be beneficial
  • Evy10
    Evy10 Posts: 9
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    I definitely think some time out by yourself would be beneficial, even if it's just for a week.

    Me and my boyfriend have just had some time out (no contact at all) and I'm feeling much better in myself, I know which direction I want to take now.

    Sometimes you have to be a little selfish and think of yourself
  • Painten
    Painten Posts: 499 Member
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    Your boyfriend is probably clingy when Chris is around becuase he knows something is happening there. He is showing Chris that you are his gf. Keeping this up is hurting both of you. Your not being fair keeping things up with your boyfriend if you know you don't want to be with him, Your parents will get over it if you split. They'd rather you be happy than with a guy you don't want to be with. Finish it with your bf and then think seriously if Chris is the one. Why are you not together already if he's so great?
  • percussionbeat
    percussionbeat Posts: 85 Member
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    Sounds like you know exactly what to do, but don't dare to do it. I know what you mean by thinking about how others might react, like your family and friends, but this is your life you're talking about. If you end up with the wrong guy, you're going to be miserable.

    That said, perhaps you should take a little time, say a month or so, to see how things with chris go. You never know, it may just be that 'new love interest' feeling and you may start finding that he's not exactly the one for you. Your arguments seem to have started since you and chris got closer. What was it like before? If it was wonderful before, you may want to take a look at exactly what it is that's been drawing you to these two guys and what you value as the most important in your relationship.

    Good luck, and really hope things'll get better, at least a little, soon :)
  • Emmea2729
    Emmea2729 Posts: 100 Member
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    me and chris arent together because when we met in work 4 years ago we both had partners.
    he split with his GF almost a year ago now and recently we admitted to each other we have always "liked" each other.
  • Emmea2729
    Emmea2729 Posts: 100 Member
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    also. the arguments have been getting worse over the 1st year in uni - being away from each other. he gets jealous of anyone i spend time with. i just get on better with lads and he hates it. i have 1 girl mate in uni and thats all i need. she's great. she gets on better with lads too so we get along brilliantly.

    but chris will be going to the same uni as me in sept. decision was made before anything happened.
  • Painten
    Painten Posts: 499 Member
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    me and chris arent together because when we met in work 4 years ago we both had partners.
    he split with his GF almost a year ago now and recently we admitted to each other we have always "liked" each other.

    That was more a ask yourself that question rather than a tell me. One of the pp's has a point, is it since you've started feeling more for Chris that the arguments started? It could be that, that has made problems between you and your bf. Jealousy can be very destructive.
  • johnblackmur
    johnblackmur Posts: 51
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    from a guy's point of view

    I think you need to be on your own for a while. You've just had a very intense time with your mum and your aunt, and you feel like your not getting the support you need. A violent guy will never change and its unhealthy you being with a guy like that.

    You make Chris sound like a really nice guy, but it could be that he's giving you what you need right now. In the long term he may well be right but you need time to discover that, time on your own.

    From the tone of your post it seems like you have already decided to end things with your boyfriend, the fact you use Chris's name and not his demonstrates he's in your thoughts more.
  • cartern1
    cartern1 Posts: 270 Member
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    bigger boys and stolen sweethearts
  • theMightyAnt
    theMightyAnt Posts: 75
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    from a guy's point of view

    I think you need to be on your own for a while. You've just had a very intense time with your mum and your aunt, and you feel like your not getting the support you need. A violent guy will never change and its unhealthy you being with a guy like that.

    You make Chris sound like a really nice guy, but it could be that he's giving you what you need right now. In the long term he may well be right but you need time to discover that, time on your own.

    From the tone of your post it seems like you have already decided to end things with your boyfriend, the fact you use Chris's name and not his demonstrates he's in your thoughts more.

    Wise words here. It seems like you have already made up your mind.
    Have some time to yourself to find out what YOU really want and need. Jumping immediately into another relationship is almost always a bad idea.

    Be honest with your boyfriend that it's not going so well and you think it's time to finish it. (it's always difficult but the sooner the better for all)

    Be honest with Chris, that while you like him you need a little time to figure out what YOU need (if he really likes you and is a decent guy he will respect that and will wait)

    And most importantly be honest with yourself. Use the time to find out what you really want and where you want to be. Is it Chris OR as John above pointed out is he just giving you what you need right now.

    Wish you luck. x

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