How do you let go of silly but destructive comments?
magicpickles
Posts: 286 Member
Sometimes people say things to me that result in me feeling depressed and falling off track.
On my first week of losing weight, I lost 3 kilos (7lbs) which must have mostly been water weight and I was told if I didn't eat more I might faint and I was losing weight too fast.
After working out how many calories I had left, I had stuff like a burger, donuts etc and I was told I was eating badly, even though most of my diet was good and I was still losing weight.
People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I want to become a personal trainer or nutritionist or that I'm interested in food, because, well look at me. I'm still overweight.
Once, I was out with someone for a social event, and they grabbed my plate and they asked if they could dish up for me, in a way I couldn't say no. It was so humiliating, it seemed to imply that because I was a big girl, I was going to be greedy in public, there wouldn't be enough food for others and I would embarrass her. I still cringe thinking about it.
Some people seem to be able to shake these things off and move on in their day, but not me. I definitely hide and eat my emotions. I know I can't blame others, and its me that is the problem (thin skin) but I don't want this to affect my weightloss. Sometimes others don't know best, or they do but go about it the wrong way.
On my first week of losing weight, I lost 3 kilos (7lbs) which must have mostly been water weight and I was told if I didn't eat more I might faint and I was losing weight too fast.
After working out how many calories I had left, I had stuff like a burger, donuts etc and I was told I was eating badly, even though most of my diet was good and I was still losing weight.
People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I want to become a personal trainer or nutritionist or that I'm interested in food, because, well look at me. I'm still overweight.
Once, I was out with someone for a social event, and they grabbed my plate and they asked if they could dish up for me, in a way I couldn't say no. It was so humiliating, it seemed to imply that because I was a big girl, I was going to be greedy in public, there wouldn't be enough food for others and I would embarrass her. I still cringe thinking about it.
Some people seem to be able to shake these things off and move on in their day, but not me. I definitely hide and eat my emotions. I know I can't blame others, and its me that is the problem (thin skin) but I don't want this to affect my weightloss. Sometimes others don't know best, or they do but go about it the wrong way.
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Replies
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I'm so sorry you experienced those moments! I've had a few myself, sadly. More than a few.
Some people mean well and just talk out their rear end without realizing it. Some people are just buttholes.
It hurts no matter what, I haven't quite figured out how to not make it hurt.
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How does anyone know you're on a diet?
Personally, I didn't say a word to anyone about it until I had reached my first goal and someone came up to me and, very hesitantly, asked if I were losing a little bit of weight.0 -
How does anyone know you're on a diet?
Personally, I didn't say a word to anyone about it until I had reached my first goal and someone came up to me and, very hesitantly, asked if I were losing a little bit of weight.
One of the people mentioned above is my mother and has been on my back about my weight since I was about 9. I always wonder if she would like me better or at least be more proud of me if I was slim. She pays for some of my weightloss stuff so gets thrown off by some of my food choices. I don't get why it matters when I still lose weight?
Another person was a Weight Watchers leader at one of my meetings.0 -
That plate-grabbing incident is unforgivable. If this is someone who you treasure, I say confront that person about this behavior, and if it is ever repeated, you are leaving the event. Otherwise, move that person on to your persona non grata list.
My weight loss enterprise is a highly personal affair and I only open up to people I trust implicitly. Acquaintances, co-workers, and random strangers aren't spectators to my treasured ambitions. I share the minimum required to shut them up.
For example, a neighbour rushed out the door and asked if I had cancer or something, I had lost weight so fast. I laughed and told her no, it is all good. I did not explain any further than that. She hadn't earned any more. You see?
With someone commenting that I'm eating the wrong foods (when your calorie budget allowed for it) I'd pop it in my mouth, smile, and say, "I guess we'll see then, won't we?"
Success is the best revenge.7 -
The Unitarians have a grudge burning ceremony (typically once a year shortly after New Year's Eve) which I found quite....liberating. During the ceremony the audience is given the opportunity to write down a hurt or offence of some kind on a scrap of paper, and then bring it to a crucible set up by the altar. It sounds silly but I did feel an old, festering grudge fly away like ash on the wind.7
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magicpickles wrote: »How does anyone know you're on a diet?
Personally, I didn't say a word to anyone about it until I had reached my first goal and someone came up to me and, very hesitantly, asked if I were losing a little bit of weight.
One of the people mentioned above is my mother and has been on my back about my weight since I was about 9. I always wonder if she would like me better or at least be more proud of me if I was slim. She pays for some of my weightloss stuff so gets thrown off by some of my food choices. I don't get why it matters when I still lose weight?
Another person was a Weight Watchers leader at one of my meetings.
Parents can be like that sometimes ... whether they realise it or not, they can push our buttons.
The Weight Watcher's leader should have been more sensitive, and if it really bothered you, perhaps you should take that person aside and say something.
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It's really hard to not be hurt by destructive comments like those. But you're smart, strategic, and already have a track record of success. Be confident in yourself and your decisions; once you stop seeking approval or validation from others, their lack of support can't hurt you.
Honestly, you just have to look at the big picture. Tally up the things that've happened and the absurdity of people and their behavior becomes clear. In fact, that plate thing is one of the most absurd things I've heard. Then you can just chalk it up to people being people and be on your way growing a thicker skin.1 -
magicpickles wrote: »Another person was a Weight Watchers leader at one of my meetings.
I had this with a Weight Watchers leader as well; she said that I should stop cheating and then I'd see more weight loss - she ignored the fact that it was water retention.
I didn't like her "holier than thou" attitude, left WW that day and never returned. I've lost way more by myself than I ever did under her guidance.
People are mean and have to be ignored. You know what's best for you and you are acting on that knowledge. Ignore the others, including, I'm afraid, your mother. They actually DON'T know what's best for you. Maybe have a word with your mum and tell her that you feel her comments are not constructive?
A thick skin is definitely necessary in life, especially for some mad reason, when it comes down to weight loss and becoming healthier. EVERYONE seems to have an opinion about it and give that opinion whether or not it's wanted.
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First, I think it's a great goal to want to be a personal trainer or nutritionist. Who better to motivate and encourage people than someone who has 'been there'. Second, don't let other people drag you down, ever. Sometimes I take those negative things I have heard said about me and turn them into 'negative motivators'. Then, when I'm thinking about throwing my healthy eating plan out the window I remember those negative things and get back on track.
It sounds like you are an emotional eater, I am too. If I'm stressed out or sad I want something yummy to make me feel better. If I did something great I want a 'reward'. I really just had to rethink how I view food. If I have more calories available at the end of the day and I'm not hungry, I don't have to eat to make up for them. There are days I will go over, so it all evens out. And, if I am hungry then I really try to eat something that is still healthy for me. If I start eating donuts or chips to make up my calories then that will trigger me to overeat. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing off limits. I just try to eat fresh, healthier food. Not just for the calories but for the nutrients. It helps me feel better inside and out.
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magicpickles wrote: »How does anyone know you're on a diet?
Personally, I didn't say a word to anyone about it until I had reached my first goal and someone came up to me and, very hesitantly, asked if I were losing a little bit of weight.
One of the people mentioned above is my mother and has been on my back about my weight since I was about 9. I always wonder if she would like me better or at least be more proud of me if I was slim. She pays for some of my weightloss stuff so gets thrown off by some of my food choices. I don't get why it matters when I still lose weight?
Another person was a Weight Watchers leader at one of my meetings.
how old are you OP?0 -
Oh my goodness. People seem to think it's okay to make "helpful" suggestions and comment on a person's weight in ways that would not be acceptable for any other characteristic. It sucks.
Humor helps. So does being excruciatingly polite. For example, when the person took the plate from you, one reaction would be to say something like "Thank you for your offer to help, but as I am an adult, and not disabled, I'm perfectly able to do this on my own." Then take the plate back and continue on. I understand it being very embarrassing, but the person in the wrong was not you, the other person is the one who should feel embarrassed.
Another technique for rude comments is to ask "Why would you say that?" or, if you're feeling brave, "What would make you say something like that?" Far too often, especially for women, we are told to laugh it off or to no it let it bother us, but why should people get away with behavior like that?
The mother thing is a whole different thing. The place to start is to sit down with her and explain how her comments make you feel. Then tell her that every time she starts on you about your weight, you are going to leave, or hang up. She may still cross the line but then you have set, and abide by, limits and you will feel better about yourself because you are sticking up for yourself. I had to do that with someone in my life(it wasn't about my weight, but a different issue)and the first time was so scary and hard, but I did it and I felt great about myself.
One other thing I would offer. If you are able to, schedule a few sessions with a counselor or other professional. They will have suggestions better tailored to your particular situation, and can work with you on any underlying issues you may have.
No matter the size of our bodies, we are all worthy of being loved and respected. We have to love and respect ourselves before we can expect it from others.3 -
I am 49 and my mom can still lay the guilt trip on me age is just a number. I love the grudge burning ceremony!
I don't think any mother loves a child more or less depending on their weight. A mother just worries and sometimes it comes across wrong. 0 -
i've found by not telling anyone you're on a diet helps, let them see the results for themselves, i've lost 2 stone (28lbs) in 8 weeks but it's still not been noticed by anyone other than my wife and kids. i put that down to me gaining 6stone in under a year so people who ive not seen in a while still think i'm slimmer anyway! if anyone says you're fat then just remove them from your life, my brother in law constantly told me i was fat, i've not seen him for 3 months but now know i'm actually slimmer than him. i purposely avoid him when he calls so when i reach my goal he might just turn a darker shade of green...3
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I'm going to come out and say it... Douche-bags. People often lose 3 kilograms in their first week if they're exercising and eating right. Sure water weight, but if it is water weight that just means you were lighter to begin with (Which is perfectly okay).2
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TavistockToad wrote: »how old are you OP?
I am 26. I live with my mother because we recently moved to the other side of the country and I suffer from mental illness and Aspergers. My mother said I can live with her for up to 18 months or as long as I need to. I find living with her helpful because she helps with the housework and does most of the cooking. When left to my own devices, I tend to eat quick and easy food, rather than food that takes longer to cook or is nutritious.
I feel unsteady about moving out on my own because where I live had big earthquakes about five years ago and isn't that safe, and my siblings have had bad experiences with housemates, which scares me, because I don't want people to damage or take my things or throw wild parties where I live. Basically, I need to meet some nice people in this city and set up house with them. I hate being home alone, especially at night because I'm scared of earthquakes and intruders. I also don't know how good I would be as a housemate, because sometimes I'm not very good at taking care of myself, I leave dishes in my bedroom, I fall behind on house work etc. I think I would drive someone else crazy.0 -
My strategies:
1. treat eating like politics and religion, its just one of those subjects that's off limits unless you know the person well and want to talk to them about it. There is so much misinformation out there and a majority of people seem to not have a basic understanding of biology or nutrition and rely on magazines for their information.
2. educate yourself, set a plan, and stick to it. Respect from others will come, but remember that respecting yourself is usually the first step to getting respect, make sure you are doing that too!2 -
Don't give anyone that kind of power...letting someone else's comments affect how you handle yourself is giving them total power.
Take that power back!1 -
Hey OP
How awful for them to say/ do those things, but it's all their issues and not yours. It's easier said than done, especially as you have aspergers, and I know that can make these little comments stick more from experience. You are doing amazingly and as Beyonce says (and who is a more successful lady than her?!) 'success is the best revenge'.
You do you and they can all get stuffed! Go for it!0 -
OP How hurtful. In my old age I have decided as tempting as it is to discuss my weight loss journey with others (except on this forum), it is not in my best interests to do so, as they feel entitled to comment. If I receive unsolicited comments, I say, "this is a personal journey, and I prefer to keep it that way", which usually does the trick without being too off-putting. I don't know what to say about your mom chiming in, mine was always so kind, but I hope you can figure out a way to let her know that you need her to be supportive or neutral. I agree with the poster who said to take the power back.2
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@magicpickles
Congratulations for your resolution on starting a healthier journey and your objective to become a trainer.
As mentioned by several posters, do not overshare your goals, keep them closely to your trusted circle only.
Focus on you, you are your first priority. You do you.
I wish you a recovery from your ailments. Big Hug
All the best0 -
@magicpickles I have an adult son with a profound mental illness so I think I have some understanding of your situation.
I think your mom might be confusing you with a child as you sometimes appear more dependent. What was a relationship saver between my son and I was a frank conversation about boundaries. I think you two would do better by having more opportunities to display respect and trust.
For instance if it is difficult for you to remember to keep yourself and your room tidy, make a commitment to do so anyways without reminding. It's good practice for your future living with trusted friends. I also think you should cook two nights a week. Start with something routine and simple. Maybe a bagged salad and chicken strips warmed up.
You have a right to demand respect in regards to your weight and your food choices. If your mom comments inappropriately remind her of your boundaries talk.4 -
I stopped giving a crap about what other people say/think shortly after high school.0
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@Madwife2009 I recently learned that WW leaders are rewarded by the combined weight loss at the meeting. This might explain the pressure to perform. Every freaking week.
Back when I was getting a dietitian's support I gained a few pounds over Christmas. She shrugged and said that weight can fluctuate up to five pounds in a day so don't sweat it. I could have hugged her. A similar gain at a WW meeting would have earned a frown and a pep talk on what I might do differently next time.1 -
It's a behavior you try to change. The most successful people in the world (whatever it may be), learned to disregard comments or statements from people who stood within their way of success.magicpickles wrote: »Sometimes people say things to me that result in me feeling depressed and falling off track.
On my first week of losing weight, I lost 3 kilos (7lbs) which must have mostly been water weight and I was told if I didn't eat more I might faint and I was losing weight too fast.
After working out how many calories I had left, I had stuff like a burger, donuts etc and I was told I was eating badly, even though most of my diet was good and I was still losing weight.
People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I want to become a personal trainer or nutritionist or that I'm interested in food, because, well look at me. I'm still overweight.
Once, I was out with someone for a social event, and they grabbed my plate and they asked if they could dish up for me, in a way I couldn't say no. It was so humiliating, it seemed to imply that because I was a big girl, I was going to be greedy in public, there wouldn't be enough food for others and I would embarrass her. I still cringe thinking about it.
Some people seem to be able to shake these things off and move on in their day, but not me. I definitely hide and eat my emotions. I know I can't blame others, and its me that is the problem (thin skin) but I don't want this to affect my weightloss. Sometimes others don't know best, or they do but go about it the wrong way.
IMO this is how I look at it. If a person makes a comment and it has nothing to do with how I feel about my family, my work, or how I truly feel about myself, then I usually schluff it off. There will always be criticizers for things you do, but hey that's how they view it. You don't control what they say, you just control how you react. And many times people say things just to get a reaction out of someone.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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@magicpickles I have an adult son with a profound mental illness so I think I have some understanding of your situation.
I think your mom might be confusing you with a child as you sometimes appear more dependent. What was a relationship saver between my son and I was a frank conversation about boundaries. I think you two would do better by having more opportunities to display respect and trust.
For instance if it is difficult for you to remember to keep yourself and your room tidy, make a commitment to do so anyways without reminding. It's good practice for your future living with trusted friends. I also think you should cook two nights a week. Start with something routine and simple. Maybe a bagged salad and chicken strips warmed up.
You have a right to demand respect in regards to your weight and your food choices. If your mom comments inappropriately remind her of your boundaries talk.
This. Totally this.
@magicpickles I think you are selling yourself short. It's hard for anyone to know what's appropriate to say when someone says hurtful things. Are you sure the person that thought it was appropriate to dish your food out for you at 27 isn't on the spectrum? YOU seem to be better at recognizing what is socially appropriate than these people who are being hurtful towards you. Have faith in yourself.
Like @jgnatca said. It is always a good idea to set an expectation with someone by telling them what you want and how you want to be treated, and then to live like you assume they will follow through. You can do it nicely.
People are stupid about food. That's why we are all fat. You've gone out of your way to educate yourself and make a change. You know what to do. Be sure of yourself when it comes to your health goals.0 -
A couple of things come to mind...
1 - If you are anything like many of us, you are probably more sensitive to those types of comments than the average person. Be aware of that and realize that it's probably more about how you take a comment than how that comment was meant.
2 - The average person knows very little about health and nutrition, and in most cases what they think they know is actually wrong. Realize that, and know that you are doing what you need to do to make progress.
Of course both of those things are easier said than done.0
This discussion has been closed.
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