When someone else wants me to 'hold them accountable'

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iammeinnh
iammeinnh Posts: 72 Member
edited July 2016 in Motivation and Support
I have a co-worker that wants/needs to lose weight and she asked me to 'hold her accountable'. Now, I am far from perfect and there are times I can't even hold myself accountable. But, I want to be supportive.

The thing is, she will do things that make me want to say something, but I don't want to be a diet Nazi. She will bring in a breakfast burrito AND a croissant for breakfast. Or eat half a bag of almonds or sesame sticks because they are 'healthy'. She also says that she is 'allergic' to dairy, not lactose intolerant...allergic. But, she will eat cheese all the time.

And, the worst. I don't ask anyone to police my diet, but she will look at my lunch and tell me what's 'wrong' with it. *kitten*, back off my food. >:) When I suggested MFP she said that it 'doesn't work'. I asked her how it doesn't work and she claims she used it before and it said she should be losing weight but she wasn't. I told her that may be due to portion size and to get a food scale or use some of the visual guidelines to help her determine a proper portion. That was 'too much work'. She has a pathological fear of being 'hungry'. I told her that sometimes it's true hunger, sometimes it's thirst, sometimes it's boredom. Give it a bit to see if she is really hungry then have some fruit or veggies if she has already eaten her meal. Nope...she KNOWS what hungry feels like.

If she regrets eating something she will say, 'Why did you LET me eat that?' When I ask her why she let herself eat it she looks at me like I'm a *kitten* and acts like I disappointed her. I don't really think she wants help. I think she basically wants a scapegoat for when she f's up. What should (or shouldn't) I do?

Replies

  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
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    Save yourself the trouble and back off. Talk about things other than food.
    When she criticizes your choices, ignore her or tell her to knock it off -- whatever works for you.
  • dutchandkiwi
    dutchandkiwi Posts: 1,389 Member
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    Awful situation you are in.
    You cannot hold her accountable at all. If she is not willing to walk the walk of accountability then there is no point at all. You are not her mother, she is not your child. She is her own person and only she can be accountable to her.
    I understand you are willing to help/support but please let her know it is on your terms and be careful to be put in a position where she is trying to sabotage you, because really that is what it sounds like to me
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    She has alot to learn, the only person who can hold her accountable is herself, and she is apparently not ready to do that so there is nothing you can do to help her.

    I would just try to find a nice way to remove yourself from her diet world. "I think you need someone more like minded in their diet techniques to support you" "talking about food all the time is making it hard for me to stick to my own diet so I would rather we stop" "I don't feel comfortable telling you what to eat or not eat so I am not the right person to support you" or whatever you can come up with. Try to be nice since she is a co-worker and you're stuck with her. If that doesn't work then good luck!
  • distinctlybeautiful
    distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
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    I think the easiest thing to do is just stop offering advice. She sounds like someone who'd make a big deal out of it if you tell her you're done giving her advice, so I wouldn't say anything unless she asks, in which case I'd probably be honest and tell her I got tired of giving suggestions that she always shot down. Or if she asks you could say something like you realized weight loss is a really personal thing and that no one can really be accountable for it but one's self. Honestly, it sounds like it won't make much difference what you say.
  • suzyjane1972
    suzyjane1972 Posts: 612 Member
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    Tell her no.....sorry but the only person who can hold her accountable is herself.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,712 Member
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    Ugh, that made me exhausted just reading it. Sorry you're dealing with such an emotional drain. I agree with the others: tell her you tried, but you're done. She can find someone else (preferably herself, but that doesn't sound likely). I'd remove myself from the situation completely.

    IF she still criticizes your food, well, it's a co -worker so in a professional environment you can only do so much so none of my responses to that would be acceptable at work.
  • MoveitlikeManda
    MoveitlikeManda Posts: 846 Member
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    Sounds to me like what she actually wants is somebody to blame for her over eating and being over weight......she chose you.

    I would just leave her to it, ignore her comments on your lunch as she has no clue what she is on about so really has no right to comment anyway.

    I had a friend who asked me to join the gym with her, she said if she had somebody going she wouldnt be able to skip sessions etc and i could keep her on track......well 9 times out of 10 I ended up going alone, which was not actually a bad thing because it ment I could get on and work out without hearing things like "I need to burn atleast 500 calories on the treadmil because I had 5 plates piled up last night at the chinese buffet" "I had mc donalds yesterday for breakfast and then when my husband rang me from work i asked him to get a chippy for dinner so i need to burn 600 calories today"

    then moaning she hadnt lost any weight and moaning that my legs were skinnier than hers.

    when I was pregnant my husband said "im waiting for you to have the baby and start tracking again" i was like what?? he said "i can only do it when you weigh and log all my food".......so iv gotta do it for both of us?? dnt think so mate, its hard enough sorting myself out
  • RiRi1588
    RiRi1588 Posts: 24 Member
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    You can't "help" someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Clearly she isn't very serious about losing weight hence the excuses, blame game, complaining... You shouldn't have to hold her accountable, she's an adult and clearly doesn't want your constructive criticism. I would have a honest conversation stating that you are working on yourself and your goals, that you can support her as a coworker but she cannot blame you for the things she eats or doesn't do...she's need to take ownership for her choices
  • MakePeasNotWar
    MakePeasNotWar Posts: 1,329 Member
    edited July 2016
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    I don't think she thought through what an untenable position she was putting you in, and it sounds like there is no way to help her, so the best thing to do is just back away and let her find a way to sink or swim on her own.

    I am willing to remind people of their goals if they ask me to do it, but I refuse to take responsibility for "making" someone do something.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,949 Member
    edited July 2016
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    I'm allergic to dairy and eat cheese frequently. I choose to simply smear prescription ointments on the minor rashes it gives me. I'm allergic to the protein in dairy (casein). But that doesn't mean I am "anaphylaxis shock" allergic. But that is besides the point haha.

    My suggestion is to straight up tell her you do not want to be involved with her diet and that you don't want her involved with yours. You can tell her it's important to you that you learn the skills you need now, so that when she isn't around, you'll still lose weight. You can tell her you hope the same for her. Could point out that what works for her may not work for you and vice versa.

    While misery likes company, that doesn't mean it has to be done in the same way.
  • iammeinnh
    iammeinnh Posts: 72 Member
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    Thank you guys for all the good advice. I didn't say anything to her about her food choices today, and she didn't ask me. If she does start in again I have lots of replies I can give her, but bottom line is the ball is in her court. She can either be responsible for what goes into her mouth, or not. It has nothing to do with me. :)
  • MonkeyMel21
    MonkeyMel21 Posts: 2,394 Member
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    Make an MFP profile for her and add in to it all the calories you see her eat when you're with her. At the end of your work day show her (I'm assuming it's probably going to be way over her goal) and explain how that's just the food that YOU see her eating, she's obviously eating more when she gets home.
  • Arkani7
    Arkani7 Posts: 68 Member
    edited July 2016
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    Well, I'd recommend basically the same as all the others said before.
    Obviously, she doesn't want to hear any advices and finds excuses for every of your attempts to help her. Ok then, it's none of your business. It seems to me she just wants someone to blame.
    If she's "just" a co-worker and not a good friend, then just politely ask her not to beg you for support because obviously she doesn't want it. Focus on your own stuff :)
  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
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    In a similar situation, I just laughed and said:
    "It's enough work for me just to be my OWN food cop. I don't need to be food-stressing for someone else, too!"
  • STEVE142142
    STEVE142142 Posts: 867 Member
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    Since it's a work environment you need to be politically correct and tell her In a nice way you will no longer will be her conscience. If this was one of my close friends I really cared about and loved this would be my response. your a dumb f*** and I'm tired of wiping your *kitten* when you don't want to do it yourself.

    It's obvious your coworker doesn't want to really do this herself and instead of placing the blame on herself which is what she should be doing she's looking to transfer her guilt to you

    In the words of Monty Python which you're probably too young to know. Runaway

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