No weight loss no love?

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msalicia116
msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
edited July 2016 in Motivation and Support
I never would have posted this before, but having read some broad subjects on this site, it doesn't seem too off topic now. And I do notice my alien ways more so now that I read this forum.

So, to get to the point, I'm wondering if anyone else has the inability to date when they're not comfortable with their weight? After a break up (February 2015) I gained weight, and have refused to let someone be close to me until I get the weight off, and not just physically, but in any way. I read daily people discussing their partners or dating, and how they're trying to lose the weight, and I'm amazed and enlightened! They were all able to let someone in, to be close to them, to touch them even, and I won't even entertain the idea. I suppose it's hard for me to allow acceptance when I refuse to accept myself.

Any advice, tips, has anyone else been like this? It's been almost a year and a half! I never intended for this to happen, but it's definitely been long enough and I think it would probably be healthier to figure this out now before I lose more years of my life living in fear, or having my weight define whether I have a relationship or not.

All comments are fair, I realize I'm probably a mental case now that I've actually typed this all out. Yikes.

Replies

  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
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    I don't think you're a mental case. I think dating can probably be nerve-wracking and a bit scary and even more so if you don't feel confident in how you look. I never dated because my husband and I were 8th grade sweethearts, together since then so I have zero personal experience but if I ever had to put myself out there for dating I would be extremely nervous too.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    Thank you jem. That makes sense, and I'm happy you have that in your life.

    I have this crazy juxtaposition in my life because of social media. People constantly message me, but if they knew who I really am or how I really look, the expression of disappointment on their face would crush me. Reality is so much different than a picture you paint in your mind. So I just completely avoid it all together.

    Trusting someone because they have always known you would be very very comforting.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    My weight is not me nor is it my value as a human being. I am me at 125 lb or 180 lbs. I will never look like a model or be a professional athlete.
    I deserve to be healthy and live a full life. Being a healthy weight helps me have that life.
    Love sees beyond a person's outer shell. Different people are attracted to different things. A real relationship is not just perfect bodies. Positive attitude, confidence, friendliness, responsibility, loyalty, sense of humor, intelligence, caring about others are very attractive lasting qualities.
    It feels risky to let people in. My experience was when I was looking at my positive qualities rather than focusing on negatives I was more confident and outgoing. It took work to be more positive about myself. Don't put life on hold until you are perfect.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    Lounmoun wrote: »
    My weight is not me nor is it my value as a human being. I am me at 125 lb or 180 lbs. I will never look like a model or be a professional athlete.
    I deserve to be healthy and live a full life. Being a healthy weight helps me have that life.
    Love sees beyond a person's outer shell. Different people are attracted to different things. A real relationship is not just perfect bodies. Positive attitude, confidence, friendliness, responsibility, loyalty, sense of humor, intelligence, caring about others are very attractive lasting qualities.
    It feels risky to let people in. My experience was when I was looking at my positive qualities rather than focusing on negatives I was more confident and outgoing. It took work to be more positive about myself. Don't put life on hold until you are perfect.

    You're amazing. I can see how you are very lovable. What you wrote, "don't put life on hold until you are perfect" I realize is exactly what I'm doing. And it's like I believe I don't deserve it until then. Or maybe even that they deserve more from me.
  • BewitchedBelinda99
    BewitchedBelinda99 Posts: 253 Member
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    I've definitely been single alot longer than i shouldve been because of my weight. But in my case there are other issues too. I like to think everyone deserves someone to love whatever their size. Good luck, you're definitely not mental. x
  • canadjineh
    canadjineh Posts: 5,396 Member
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    Was the weight gain after the breakup an excuse to keep everyone at bay and not be hurt again? Just playing devil's advocate. The way the post was worded made it sound like that. You refuse to accept yourself, this way you will not let one else either? I am not trying to sound unfeeling, written word makes things so cut & dried without tone of voice or facial expression to read.
  • happygalah
    happygalah Posts: 343 Member
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    I haven't dated much at all and was married 2x. I was very thin when I met them. I won't date until I'm thinner as I don't feel confident about my weight or age. Being single in my 50s.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    how much weight have you lost in the last 18 months?
  • sunnybeaches105
    sunnybeaches105 Posts: 2,831 Member
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    That's perfectly normal if you haven't come to self acceptance, but if you're really struggling with self acceptance, weight loss probably isn't going to help much, if any. Work on improving your physical self not because you hate yourself or can't accept yourself, but because you love you and want to take care of you.
  • mzfrizz15
    mzfrizz15 Posts: 135 Member
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    You are not a mental case. You're just a normal human being. Regardless of what you look like, you need to learn how to like and then love yourself first, or you'll have trouble being fully "there" emotionally when you find a new partner. I know this from personal experience.

    One simple idea: Whenever you're feeling down on yourself or depressed, you have to stop and write 5 things you like about yourself. It could be anything from eye color to how you know how to do something. Anything goes, but it HAS TO BE positive. At first, this may be hard. Do it anyway. Building positive self regard is just like building up muscle strength, you have to keep at it over a period of time.

    Having trouble coming up with things for the list? Time to explore! Try new things! Almost no one is great at something when they first try a new thing, so don't let that get you down! Just keep trying til you find something that makes you feel good when you do it.

    Most important thing of all is to NOT isolate yourself. Talk to a family member, go do something with a friend, or even just people watch at the mall. Being isolated is not healthy for human beings, we're social creatures!
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    canadjineh wrote: »
    Was the weight gain after the breakup an excuse to keep everyone at bay and not be hurt again? Just playing devil's advocate. The way the post was worded made it sound like that. You refuse to accept yourself, this way you will not let one else either? I am not trying to sound unfeeling, written word makes things so cut & dried without tone of voice or facial expression to read.

    I have no idea what happened to me after that break up. I'm still trying to figure it out. I gained about 25 lbs, would shave a little off, gain it back and more, then shave a little off, repeat. I felt like I had no control over my body or mind, and I was completely numb. So if I was purposely doing it, it was subconscious and hidden from me.

    I think I have trouble accepting me this way because it's not who I am. This weight is a constant reminder of what happened and how it made me feel. I want to be back to my healthy and confident self, and move on with my life. I hope that makes sense. And if I think about it, maybe I feel like moving on with someone else in this way is like I have unfinished issues I need to deal with. Until the weight is gone, it's like the struggle in my mind still exists. But like I said, I'm numb still, and I really don't even know the truth on how I "really" feel. You would think after a year and a half this would have been sorted out by now. But the good news is, I feel there's been a mental and physical shift this week. Like something is clicking, and it's giving me confidence instead of doubt that I WILL reach my goals and be the person I always felt I was. Someone who cared and connected with other people. I have isolated myself this whole time and and that's why I decided to make this post. My weight has affected me that much.

    You had very good points and thank you.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    happygalah wrote: »
    I haven't dated much at all and was married 2x. I was very thin when I met them. I won't date until I'm thinner as I don't feel confident about my weight or age. Being single in my 50s.

    I'm sorry you feel that way. Kind of puts it into perspective when you know someone else feels like you do, ugh... Makes me sad. Since you do, I have a question. Do you even want to date and just don't feel comfortable? Or are you repelled by the idea and have no interest? Cause, for some reason, I'm the latter. I never find anyone attractive, I get anxiety when people message me when I know what their intentions are, and I have convinced myself I'm happy alone. Wow my denial is strong. So, where are you in your mind at the idea of dating? You don't have to answer if it's too personal.
  • hekla90
    hekla90 Posts: 595 Member
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    Nope-I got a bit thinner but outside of casual relationships I just didn't want to be in a new one yet. It's very easy for me to find people to date. But for me I'd rather meet someone serious while I was heavier. If I meet someone now I feel like it's more to live up to haha. I enjoy being fit and always have but I guess it's my rationale for just staying single and enjoying dating a lot of different people.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    TavistockToad wrote: »
    how much weight have you lost in the last 18 months?

    I gained weight, lost a little of that, gained more weight, lost a little. Until it was a gain of about 25 lbs over a course of that time. So I was trying this whole time to get back before it got out if hand, and it ultimately did. It's like whatever I had done before to be a lean healthy person was erased from my mind and I didn't know how to do it anymore. Thank god I found MFP.

    I know others have gained 40-100 lbs and this doesn't seem like much. But when it's out of control it's only a matter of time until it gets to that point. And I'm already where I refuse to see anyone because I can't fit into anything I own and I feel immense shame for so many reasons. For me it's all connected.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    sunnybeaches105 wrote: »
    That's perfectly normal if you haven't come to self acceptance, but if you're really struggling with self acceptance, weight loss probably isn't going to help much, if any. Work on improving your physical self not because you hate yourself or can't accept yourself, but because you love you and want to take care of you.

    Thanks. My weight is merely a reflection of my feelings about myself. So if I'm feeling bad apparently I wear it. It's not a disconnected part of me, where I can be happy and heavy (for my size). If I'm happy, I take care of myself mentally physically emotionally. So everyday I have a visual and physical reminder of what happened. I guess I don't want to accept it. I want to get healthy again. But I know what you mean about self acceptance, and loving oneself. And it's a very valid point.
  • rosebette
    rosebette Posts: 1,659 Member
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    Just curious-- what are your stats -- height and weight? If you're only 25 lbs over normal Bmi maybe your mental state is exaggerating how much the weight really matters to others' perceptions of you. Perhaps you could invest in a couple nice things in your current size that make you feel good when you wear them. If you don't want to spend a lot go to a consignment shop.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
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    People who are meeting me for the first time would never know I had a weight issue. They would think I was just "normal" (scale says 24 bmi, and you know those things usually underestimate body fat unless the person is a body builder). However, those who do know me, like my dad who just came to visit me and my son, said woah, what the hell is up with you. He didn't mean any disrespect, he just knows how I am and that something must seriously be wrong if I'm like this. Not to mention I fell of the face of the earth.

    I just said, I know. I'm fixing it.

    I don't know if it's just me, but the idea of buying something bigger makes me want to cry. Even if I would just get rid of it immediately. But you make a good point, and maybe I could look into a dress that can fit now and when I lose weight, hopefully that will be a positive experience.
  • SweetPeasMom55
    SweetPeasMom55 Posts: 3,385 Member
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    Married twice but husband number one played a lot of mind games so as a defense mechanism I was heavier as he was repulsed by heavy people. Current husband just loves me no matter what size I am. I know it's my invisible cloak so I have to work hard not to put it back on. It took me a long time to admit it and there are days I just want to hide but now I hide in color instead.
  • msalicia116
    msalicia116 Posts: 233 Member
    edited July 2016
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    2020pinktogo wrote: »
    Married twice but husband number one played a lot of mind games so as a defense mechanism I was heavier as he was repulsed by heavy people. Current husband just loves me no matter what size I am. I know it's my invisible cloak so I have to work hard not to put it back on. It took me a long time to admit it and there are days I just want to hide but now I hide in color instead.

    You were heavier as a defense mechanism... Hmm. I'm surprised it wasn't the opposite and you didn't get an eating disorder. Seems to go one way or the other doesn't it, when someone is emotionally abused. And "repulsed by heavy people", wow. You clearly are much better off without him!

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