250 pound food addict- a confession and search for a better me

kindredstorm
kindredstorm Posts: 4 Member
edited November 13 in Introduce Yourself
I've always been heavy but have ballooned to 250 pounds for the 3rd time in my life. I've lost 20, 30, even 45 pounds before but it's always back in a couple years. I haven't been able to lose any real weight in the last 5 or so years. I'm a food addict, and I live with my guy who just doesn't understand for me there is no "just don't eat it" - when I'm working on myself I literally need to not have cookies, chips, candy, salty snacks, etc in the house. He lost 30 pounds in the last 9 months with diet and exercise, will and willpower and I couldn't be more *proud* of him. Then I look in the mirror and shame hits. He can "just not eat it". For me it's totally different. When I wake up in the morning before I get out of bed my brain is signalling "foodfoodfood!" And I'm wondering what I can eat before my feet hit the ground. When I wake up and I'm waiting for my guy so we can make breakfast, I spend the whole time trying to distract myself on my phone or with tv, doing chores or anything to try and make my brain stop yelling "foodfoodFOOD!" and many times I end up eating alone and then being ashamed I couldn't control myself and eating a second time when he gets up so that I don't have to explain that I couldnt control myself. Leaving work, whether it's 2pm or 10pm as soon as I'm in my car my brain is clicking "foodfoodfood!" and I'm left driving home wondering where I can drive-thru along the way or what I'll eat as soon as I get home. Sometimes I win that battle and make it hime, sometimes I don't and find myself at the drive-in, and sometimes after I've scoffed down a burger on my drive home I find my guy is home making dinner and just like with breakfast I eat again because I can't admit I couldn't make a 20 minute drive home without food.

Have you ever quit smoking? Or seen someone who was trying to quit? They sit there fine one moment and the next they are twitching, fidgeting and distracted. Their brain is sending signals out "smoke, smoke, nicotine NOW!" and it's literally the ONLY thing they can think about. This is why people fail at quitting smoking. Why there are gums, patches, classes, therapy, hotlines, step-downs, e-cigs, etc... to help people quit smoking. Millions if not billions of dollars are spent to help people quit smoking. But once they've quit, they never have to smoke again. Once the struggle has been won, the body readjusted, the habits rehabilitated they never have to smoke again.

I can't take therapy that will help me never eat again. There's no patch that steps me down from 4 to 2 to 0 meals per day. I have made better food choices, I have made better activity/exercise choices. I have lost weight. But food is always there. Lately I've been under more pressure and stress in my daily life (family, work, friends, life in general) and after getting started back in September with my guy on a diet and exercise regime, he's lost 30 pounds and I've lost, gained, lost and gained, then gained more. Yes stopped asking me to go to the gym with him. He occasionally remarks on my needing to be healthier (tho he always says he lives me at any size) He doesn't know how to encourage me, and I don't know how not to be ashamed at so much failure on my part. I've tried being his fitness partner but it didn't last because I couldnt keep up with him. I've tried keeping junk food out of the house but he doesn't understand you don't keep a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table when you're trying to quit smoking. I've tried on my own to just talk myself out of eating when I'm sitting home alone and my brain just keeps yelling "foodfoodFOOD!" even tho I've already eaten. Even though I'm not hungry. Sometimes, I'll be completely full and still go eat to the point my stomach hurts from being over filled. I've been so full that I'm in physical pain. I've eaten so much and then gotten thirsty but couldn't drink even water because I'd stuffed myself to capacity. I've found myself rummaging through the pantry and hour after dinner because my brain just keeps yelling "foodfoodFOOD!" and I feel like I can't do anything else until I eat.

I can lose weight. I've done it. I do have some medical issues that make it difficult for me (hypothyroidism, low metabolism, plantar fasciitis) but not impossible. I have a guy who wants to be supportive but is completely clueless. I've never before this day admitted to most of what I just wrote. The extra snacks, double meals, cramming fullness, food addiction. I want to keep everything a secret- quietly eat better, eat less, control urges, go to the gym when no one knows and just secretly succeed. But I don't think that will work. I dread being that cliché where I have to track every bite of food on a calorie counter, constantly tell people I'm going to work out, get excited over every little pound lost and end up having those around me thinking they're tired of hearing about all of it. But i have been failing at holding myself accountable and motivating myself- so this seems like my last option.

tl;dr - WISH ME LUCK

and if these are the struggles you're facing, and want someone else who's walking that road, you can absolutely add me. I don't have answers but I'm working on doing better.

Replies

  • Nurseneedstolose
    Nurseneedstolose Posts: 4 Member
    Good luck I understand how hard it is. I am in a similar situation as you.I used to feel so guilty driving home from work and stopping at drive thru's while husband cooked dinner so I would eat twice then go to bed quickly after not a great idea. I have hypothyroidism, as well and it really is hard to lose weight. I am slowly losing but I still have over 100lbs to lose myself but I am trying to eat paleo-ish type diet. I find that I have less brain fog, have more energy and I feel much better overall. But I am not losing very quickly like some people seem to. I have had injuries in the past which make it very hard to do any exercise but I am trying to walk a little bit more by parking further from doors, walking the block after dinner etc. to get in extra steps. I am always looking for friends for support if you would like to add me feel free.
  • planetfatty
    planetfatty Posts: 28 Member
    Giiiiiirl, yes. I totally understand what you're saying. And I get the frustration too, because it's not like we can just stop eating or avoid places that serve food. It's like asking an alcoholic to just drink a little bit - IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

    That said, I've been using MFP for the past week and I've found it does help because I can focus less on the actual eating and more on planning. When I want to snack on something for no reason, I log in and scan through my diary to see if the calories are there for me to use and if not, I spend a bit of time pre-planning the following day's food so that I can have thing I'm craving tomorrow but when tomorrow comes around, I might not want it anymore. And if I do? Great. It's fine. I'm allowed. Like today. I wanted ice cream so I ate some. A lot some. A whole pint in fact. But because I knew the calories in the ice cream, I could make appropriate adjustments and choices for the rest of the day.

    Anyway, I'm going to add you. Good luck!
  • almostanangel21
    almostanangel21 Posts: 143 Member
    I feel you - I'm a little bit in your shoes, a little bit in your partner's shoes. I stress eat, and unfortunately there are only two routes home from said stress - one takes 45 minutes, the other takes 10 and includes going past Dairy Queen. (Blizzards are my nemesis.) Or, I swing the other way and don't eat at all.

    I'm seeing a counselor right now, not even for food problems, just... generalized misery. I had an eating disorder a decade or more ago, and I found that dealing with the things that made me hurt made the food problems abate considerably, even though I wasn't even talking about food with my therapist. Something is making you hurt, and hurt bad. The reason why we give in to our addictions is because those addictions give us hits of seratonin, dopamine, endorphins... the things in our brain that make us happy, or at least not-sad. It's not weakness, it's just science - some of us are wired that way. Have you ever talked to a psychiatrist to see if you have clinical depression? I do; I used to self medicate either with food or with starving; my aunt has it and self medicates with food; my mom had it, and she self medicated with whatever pills she could get her hands on. It's just my genes, not anything I can wish or talk away; it's a disease. Now I have medication I have to take to correct the hormonal imbalance, the same as if I had any other congenital disease. 4-5 hours of exercise a week are part of my prescription to keep me sane, even now when I'm overweight.

    About your partner: it's hard to tell from your post whether he's being supportive or not. Is he doing things like bringing foods he knows will trigger you into the house and telling you essentially to "suck it up, Buttercup?" Or is he trying to help you by trying to get fit with you, but can't connect because of the difference in fitness levels/your embarrassment at having a problem? The former sort of partner is a jerk, your relationship might not (maybe should not) survive, and you can stop reading here. If he's the latter, try to trust him and communicate with him. I'm that partner for my husband; he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and just got diagnosed with fatty liver.

    Let me speak from the perspective of someone who has a partner with health problems that are related to unhealthy food/not enough exercise: yes, you are loved. More than you know. You don't see how awesome you are, how much you enrich my life, and how lonely and empty I would be if you weren't there. That's what scares me: I look a year, five years, ten years down the road and see life without you, and it seems pointless and sad. I want to help you, but I know I can't be with you 24-7, and obviously whatever I have been doing - cooking healthy meals, making healthy snacks for you to take to work, not making or buying things that I know you can't resist - isn't enough to help you. I know you're embarrassed about not being able to finish the same 30 minute workout that I can, or that you have to use lighter weights, but I mean it when I say I'm proud of you for doing what you can. More than that, I'm relieved; every step you take towards getting healthy makes that life without you less likely. If you know there's something that I can do to help you, don't be ashamed to ask me, and if I say something that indicates I don't get it, remind me that your brain works differently than mine. I'm a little stupid that way on occasion, but we're in this together.
  • Justforme160yee
    Justforme160yee Posts: 39 Member
    edited July 2016
    Add me I don't know how to add ppl on my phone
  • amyoung78
    amyoung78 Posts: 27 Member
    Wow. This all sounds just like I go through. I think about food constantly. I do good for a couple of days then end up binging. Feel horrible after and then start the whole cycle over again.
    Anyone can feel free to add me. I am very interested to hear how everyone does.
    Good luck to you all!
  • jaimehartom
    jaimehartom Posts: 1 Member
    I found your post! I'm totally there with you on this journey, lady. We will both falter but we're stubborn and won't give up on each other. I've got the unintentionally sabotaging partner to contend with as well. But, we'll do this. Together! You're not alone. You're understood. You're worth every bit of the effort. Love you!
  • ronjsteele1
    ronjsteele1 Posts: 1,064 Member
    I REALLY want to encourage you to get the book The Beck Diet Solution. It is not a diet. It is cognitive therapy from home for changing your thought patterns around food. It was recommended on this site and I bought it. In just the first chapter I found help and have continued to read it. I really think you all will find much help in this book. It is very practical and it works. I used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 30+ years ago to stop biting my nails. It never occurred to me to try it for food/diet. It is worth your time and money!
  • sbrownallison
    sbrownallison Posts: 314 Member
    I feel great sympathy for you, girl. I've struggled all my life with being overweight or obese, mostly obese. It depressed me, made me withdraw, got me bullied, became my life's biggest shame and regret. Been through every diet club (WW, Jenny, Nutrisystem, and others I've forgotten the name of). I've joined and rejoined WW too many times to count, but 10 years ago finally achieved Lifetime status. Then, I regained 40 lbs within a few years. Through a combination of My Fitness Pal tools, going back to WW, diet, exercise, and doing a lot of reading about obesity, binge-eating, etc., have gotten to a normal weight. Now that I'm an older gal, I've found that my driving motivation is "health" rather than vanity. To my surprise, despite being overweight or obese for 90% of my life, I am not on any medication or have any known medical issues. So, I'd like to continue being active, which I know I cannot do while obese. I still struggle to keep weight off, and have seen 8 lbs gain over the last two years. Can't seem to shake these, but I know that the answer is to log every bite on MFP (which I haven't been doing for the last two years). Through reading, I've gained a bit more understanding about binge-eating. I always like a book suggestion, so will check out The Beck Diet Solution as mentioned above. There's a great blog, by Dr. Jason Fung, you might want to check out, with lots of insight about obesity that provides startling insights into proper nutrition. I wish you every success on your journey. There is no one answer to our problem; there are many. We just need to find out what works for us.
  • lioness2307
    lioness2307 Posts: 16 Member
    I totally hear you and empathize with you!
    While I am not obese, I am overweight and fightig the additional weight, which gets more an more stubborn as I age.

    Food addiction is exactly that: an addiction. Please know that there is help out there in the form of 12-step programmes etc.

    I guess I am a mix of food addiction and binge eating disorder. Eating sugar for me - which includes gluten/flour - is like an IV heroin drip right through to my brain. But much softer. Sugar doesn't shoot you up high, it's more like a gentle cuddle, mommy love, comfort, a warm embrace, without any of the hard come down effects of most drugs.
    Food is a vile drug because it's such a mellow little bugger. Because it's not alcohol, it's not a "hard" drug as they say, it won't kill you right?
    Wrong.
    The only remedy is abstinence from the foods that trigger the addiction.

    I have disciplined myself to stay away from any gluten/flour, caffeine and sugar - even at work, I will either bring my own home-cooked food or pop into the nearby grocery store to buy fresh produce: my lunch will be fish with raw carrots, cucumber, tomatoes. Not very culinary, but it's 100% natural and it fills me up.

    I relapsed this Monday due to stress and exhaustion: ate two tablets of chocolate, followed by a bag of crisps, then a big homemade coconut curry fry-up. Altogether I must have consume about 2500 calories within 4 hours. So a typical binge-relapse I guess. I am not proud, I am not happy, but I own up to it and need to work out a solution to this.

    Have faith. You will find a solution. But you need to get your partner to support you, or at least not sabotage you in your process of gaining sobriety from food addiction.
    It takes a lot of work. Withdrawal is hell. But if you're willing, you can do it.

    Fingers crossed for you.

  • sunshine_janice
    sunshine_janice Posts: 28 Member
    It may be hard to believe...but I am in the same boat. I have a weird relationship with food (even thou I'm not obese). It's a constant struggle. It's hard bc it is always in your face. Makes you feel good and bad at the same time after you eat it.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    edited August 2016
    OP: For starters, perhaps send him a link to this thread? It might help him *really* understand what you're going through and that you're not the only one who struggles with this. Until you are completely honest with him, your "secret eating" will keep undermining your resolve in part because of the shame you have in keeping it hidden.

    Just a thought, and worth what you paid for it. :)
  • DanerTee
    DanerTee Posts: 263 Member
    We are the same person! I'm the same weight as you and I am a food addict. I have had the SAME convo with my hubby, that food is an addiction for me, same as smoking is for him. (He's tried to quit, quick for three years and then started back up) I think he finally gets it, but that doesn't help me! Feel free to add me if you like, we can do this together! (I also closet eat) I totally get you and feel your pain!!
  • Crash7676
    Crash7676 Posts: 41 Member
    Even though I found this thread months late, I appreciate your honesty. I feel the same way (foodfoodFOOD!) struggle every damn day, and my difficulty in controlling it is visible to people (my overweight) even though I don't talk about it (ashamed of being food addicted). Crazy thing is, I'm a fitness instructor, I'm the very LAST person who should be struggling with this, but I am. Thank you for putting words to this painful situation, you helped me to not feel so alone, even though our struggle is so so tough. TY
  • aerial102
    aerial102 Posts: 52 Member
    Hi there.

    I'm very early on in my journey, but I started at 365 pounds. I hated that I allowed myself to get this big. I dieted multiple times, got a personal trainer and could never seem to take the weight off like I wanted to. I was an over eater and I still battle it all the time. It's incredibly hard for me to just walk away from the food temptation, so I know exactly how you feel. My old personal trainer told me that the addiction to food was the equivalent of someone addicted to drugs. Because food is literally a drug. It sends off signals to your brain to eat and eat. And it's hard to resist, I've been there.

    I work at a grocery store, family owned, so on the job, I can literally eat whatever I want for nothing. And over the years, this led to my weight gain. I mowed down on candy and snack cakes like it was nothing. I can honestly say that I've eaten 2 triple whoppers and still wanted more. (Those were bad times) I still struggle with walking away from food temptations, but I'm getting better at it everyday.

    Currently, I weigh 310 pounds. You can do this! You got this! Add me if you'd like. (: Let's fight the good fight together!
  • cewoods1
    cewoods1 Posts: 1 Member
    Its as though I wrote this exact post myself. I am just coming to grips with the fact that I have a food addiction. The sneak eating, double meals, shame, eating until I cant even move, foodfoodfoodFOOOOOOOOOD screaming in my head all the time!
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