Trying to help people make the right decisions

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joehempel
joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
in Motivation and Support
I've made the decision to change my lifestyle, and I understand that I can't force anyone to change theirs. But I'm having difficulty in finding a tactful way to do something:

My wife is kind of depressed about being sick and even with not eating much, not losing weight, it's been a very long time since being under 200lbs for her.

But when we do breakfast, for her I made Apple Butter Pancakes by request...I had a couple peices of toast w/ some light butter and an orange. I'm okay with that, I know that by saying things about what she's eating, it's NOT going to help.

But when it's expressed that she's upset about not losing weight, what is a tactful way to talk about her diet? I have gotten her off of the soda for the most part (I mean when we're together).

I'm kind of in a conundrum, I feel that she's about ready to make the leap (I've secretly bought 10-Minute trainer because she has litterally no time to workout, and it works well), we've started walking together and even running a bit. But I need to nurture this on, kind of back door it.

Any advice?

Replies

  • Dinob661
    Dinob661 Posts: 251 Member
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    As you said.... it is difficult to force someone to do something they are not ready for or want to do....Why not try to give her an incentive to do the right things and make the righ choices? I have heard from a ton of MFP members and couples saying that using incentives help them get into working out and eating right. Find something she likes to do/wants and find a way to use that as a tool to get her motivated to do the right thing and make the right choices.

    In terms of just discussing it with her.... it is a very hard subject and everyone reacts differently. the only real advice I can give there is to use your best judgment because you know her better than I or any other MFP member might. I wish I could help more here.
  • gbm1982
    gbm1982 Posts: 23
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    you cant lose weight by having flipping apple butter pancakes for breakfast - lol. and if she is too blind to see that then you have 1 hell of a battle on your hands. Maybe join a weight loss challenge together - they give heaps of real good advice and great motivation. I have joined one and its only $50 and runs for 12 weeks. I find I can only lose weight if i have that weekly motivation and inspiration.
    She can have a fat day - make it once a week (i have a fat night - (after weigh in night so I have a whole week to get rid of it)- but not every day. But hey at the end of the day she needs to want to lose weight, and be ready to make the sacrifice and do the exercise, - this is something you cant be forced in to doing.
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
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    and if she is too blind to see that then you have 1 hell of a battle on your hands.

    With more apple butter on top ;)

    And yes, I do. I've been cooking and making healthier meals, low calorie, higher protein, low sodium and sugar, and because of that we've been sitting down and making meal plans for the week.

    so I'm right on the 'brink' of a breakthrough with her...hoping my weight loss would help get her motivated...it's kind of done the opposite. So I am trying NOT to be excited about being under 200lb for the first time in like 7-8 years LOL.

    I'm going to try and have her sign up for this site, and find a way to delete this topic LOL, to make some online friends and get motivation from outside. Her family doesn't really help that much with it, they are all very heavy. But maybe "seeing" what she's eating will help her make better choices.
  • SpaceMarkus
    SpaceMarkus Posts: 651
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    Make yourself the example. Some people just don't want to "hear" it. you know? Eat your healthy meals. If she wants something unhealthy for dinner, let her have it. But, mention something like "hey, I'm having this because it's how I stay healthy. Would you like me to make some for you, too?"

    If you're really desperate you could buy her a bodybugg. It'll track the calories she burns all day, and she can use MFP to log her food. That way something else will be telling her she's eating more than she's burning.

    And finally, when it comes to healthful eating I always point people to Michi's Ladder
    http://www.teambeachbody.com/eat-smart/michis-ladder
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
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    I did not know that was there, I'm pretty active on the BeachBody chat and look around a bit too LOL...Thanks for that link!!
  • SpaceMarkus
    SpaceMarkus Posts: 651
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    No problem! I was going to suggest hooking her up on the Beachbody forums, too. I often chat with people in WOWY post workout just to see who's going strong and give some words of encouragement. :)
  • gbm1982
    gbm1982 Posts: 23
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    hey but good on you for losing weight - don't let it effect your weight loss. Great to get under 200lbs.
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
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    Oh it's not going to effect my weight loss...I have a goal...28 more lbs by October!! It'll be hard...it'll be close, but I think I can nail it...it's averaging 2.5 lbs a week I think.
  • gbm1982
    gbm1982 Posts: 23
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    you can nail it man !! keep up the postive thinking - Im only on day 2 and i think "gez, i could kill for a McDonalds big Mac right about now!!" lol, I want to be under 70 by mid September (World Cup) - gotta look good for all the people out in town - lol!! So just doing it day by day.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
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    How are pancakes much worse than toast? Basically both refined flour and not much else.

    You can't do anything to make her take steps to change. You can do what you're doing in taking care of yourself and peraps at some point she will ask you for some advice.

    Also, have you considered that she may be very anxious about your weight loss? Many spouses/partners fear that their suddenly fit and healthy partner is on his or her way out the door. If your wife is an emoitional eater, then she's likely to eat MORE, not less, if she's concerned about you leaving.
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
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    How are pancakes much worse than toast? Basically both refined flour and not much else.

    Whole wheat bread vs. APPLE BUTTER Pancakes. The pancakes have apple butter ADDED to it when I mix it's much more than "just flour"

    140 calories in 2 pieces of toast vs. 130 calories in ONE Pancake.

    there is a HUGE difference in my opinion.

    And yeah, I've thought of the anxiety, I make sure to re-inforce that I love her etc...every day, and that I'm doing this for me, for her and for our son.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
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    How are pancakes much worse than toast? Basically both refined flour and not much else.

    Whole wheat bread vs. APPLE BUTTER Pancakes. The pancakes have apple butter ADDED to it when I mix it's much more than "just flour"

    140 calories in 2 pieces of toast vs. 130 calories in ONE Pancake.

    there is a HUGE difference in my opinion.

    And yeah, I've thought of the anxiety, I make sure to re-inforce that I love her etc...every day, and that I'm doing this for me, for her and for our son.

    Glad that you guys are talking about the effects your weight loss may have on the relationship. A lot of folks don't realize that a partner can be quite threatened so it's good that you're aware of this possible side-effect of your new healthy goals.

    I get what you're saying about the pancakes vs. toast in terms of calories, but there is really not that much difference nutritionally. Both are processed by your body as sugar almost immediately upon hitting your system. The primary difference is the portion size and how you like your sugar flavored. ;)

    If you're having some toast and then heading off to your workout, then I can understand eating a breakfast of 90% carbs. But if you're eating the toast and not on your way to a workout, you might want to work some protein into your breakfast. You'd feel fuller, longer.
  • gbm1982
    gbm1982 Posts: 23
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    yes the protein is a big help in weightloss!! If you the recommended dose of protein today - you should not be hungry tomorrow.
  • Icewolf_The
    Icewolf_The Posts: 308 Member
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    I kinda have the same problem with my husband. Every time I mention calories in this or that he gets irritated at me. (understatement). So I've stopped mentioning it, or try to. But he said to me the other day that the biggest motivation to him was the fact that I was dropping weight and becoming healthier, and that he felt like he should make the change too.

    Now granted, he hasn't done it yet. And I've been doing this just over 2 months. But he's sliding the path so to speak ;) I think your wife will join you Joe, it's just a matter of motivation and letting her know that no matter what happens you love her, which I know you do.

    Honestly though, I heard people yackin at me for years about diet and health etc, but until I got good and ready I only dabbled at doing what's right. My best advice to you is to sit down with her, tell her how you _really_ feel. Explain your motivation for wanting her to join with you, and your hopes/fears for the future. Nothing works better than a big dose of honesty sometimes. And saying to her, I want you to be here with me rocking on the porch when we're in our 70's, might just get the point across to her.

    Good luck! :)
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,761 Member
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    How are pancakes much worse than toast? Basically both refined flour and not much else.

    Whole wheat bread vs. APPLE BUTTER Pancakes. The pancakes have apple butter ADDED to it when I mix it's much more than "just flour"

    140 calories in 2 pieces of toast vs. 130 calories in ONE Pancake.

    there is a HUGE difference in my opinion.

    And yeah, I've thought of the anxiety, I make sure to re-inforce that I love her etc...every day, and that I'm doing this for me, for her and for our son.

    Glad that you guys are talking about the effects your weight loss may have on the relationship. A lot of folks don't realize that a partner can be quite threatened so it's good that you're aware of this possible side-effect of your new healthy goals.

    I get what you're saying about the pancakes vs. toast in terms of calories, but there is really not that much difference nutritionally. Both are processed by your body as sugar almost immediately upon hitting your system. The primary difference is the portion size and how you like your sugar flavored. ;)

    If you're having some toast and then heading off to your workout, then I can understand eating a breakfast of 90% carbs. But if you're eating the toast and not on your way to a workout, you might want to work some protein into your breakfast. You'd feel fuller, longer.

    I forgot to add in ther I also have a Protein Drink. I was just talking food. Although I haven't done it the past couple days, I am trying to be on a higher protein diet. Trying for 150-160g of protein a day.
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
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    and if she is too blind to see that then you have 1 hell of a battle on your hands.

    With more apple butter on top ;)

    And yes, I do. I've been cooking and making healthier meals, low calorie, higher protein, low sodium and sugar, and because of that we've been sitting down and making meal plans for the week.

    so I'm right on the 'brink' of a breakthrough with her...hoping my weight loss would help get her motivated...it's kind of done the opposite. So I am trying NOT to be excited about being under 200lb for the first time in like 7-8 years LOL.

    I'm going to try and have her sign up for this site, and find a way to delete this topic LOL, to make some online friends and get motivation from outside. Her family doesn't really help that much with it, they are all very heavy. But maybe "seeing" what she's eating will help her make better choices.

    I think you should be patient (sounds like you are) and keep doing what you are doing. You say she is right on the brink, you have gotten her up and walking, planning meals, etc. Those are baby steps in the right direction. If you push to far and she falls down you are going to have a harder time getting her back up.

    You are right; you can't do it for her. She has to find it in herself. It would be the same thing if you were both alcoholics. You couldn't quit drinking for her, you only quit drinking yourself.

    Just keep reinforcing the fact that you love her and that you want to be with her and that is why you want her to join you for walks.

    Best wishes

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