Lost who I was on the inside and outside.

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jordanschnabel7
jordanschnabel7 Posts: 3 Member
in Introduce Yourself
My whole life people would tease me for being skinny. from the time I was around 4 to the time I was in highschool. Everyone commented on how thin I was and how lucky I was. I would roll my eyes and think about the fact that I had no butt, and no chest. I wished for feminine body parts for so long. I wanted to be like the girls in magazines. I had the body of a teenage boy till I hit highschool. I was underweight for being 5'3 and weighed 100lbs. I didn't hit 100 till my freshman year. Being a woman and having the dreaded time of the month I had a hard go with my monthly visitor. I would almost go to the emergency room from passing out and over flow. I tried birth control pills to regulate it and it did no good. Tried the patch, it did no good. Finally I found the Depo shot and it worked for me! I got on that my sophomore year of highschool. No periods at all! Yes that scared my mother but for me, I was set! I stayed the same body wise and mentally wise till my junior year. I became very mentally broken and my body was changing. I went from an A bra to a C bra. I was pumped. And I had a little booty. But then my tummy and my hips started to loose it's tone and flatness. I was a three sport athlete and had a sport going every season. I still gained some weight. Only about 2lbs every few months. I hit senior year and it started to pack on a little more. I noticed it and thought it was because I dropped two of my sports for one but did that sport all year round. I upped my excercize and tried eating clean. I still packed on the weight. Mentally I was getting sicker and sicker. My boyfriend left for bootcamp after we graduated from highschool and I worked my *kitten* off to lose weight. I was at 127 in October 2015 and I wanted to lose about 7lbs and gain muscle. I went to the gym almost every day. Ate clean, drank water, got rid of sugars. Made myself misreable BUT determined. I went to the doctors two months later. Gained 20 more lbs. in two months. I was balling my eyes out. Wanted to break the scale. I was so crushed. I was working so hard. I get I wasn't going to get a huge difference in two months.. But gaining 20 lbs. looking like I was as swollen as a balloon? Not what I thought was going to happen to me. I got insane stretch marks on my butt and thighs that devastated me. Mentally I was way worse than I've ever been as well. Unhappy on the inside and out. I don't care what people say, how I see myself affects my mental stability. So my doctor decided my depo shot was now cursing on me. It is a common side effect to gain about 5-10 lbs a year. But it didn't kick in till after a year and a half. I lost my way in frustration and now have no time to work out. I work at a hospital as an LNA and I am constantly walking/moving/running/lifting/ect. I have been eating better with portions and what I'm taking in. I don't drink much soda, only on special occasions and drink a lot of water. I am trying but I'm in a road block. I've been off depo for 2 months and am seeing little changes. I got to my max weight then at 150lbs. Overweight says my doctor. So I need help. I need help with suggestions on eating, finding time to work out, and excercized that WILL WORK. I'm sick of me working my butt off and trying so hard but nothing happens for me. Mentally I feel a little better from not having those hormones injected into my body but I still hate looking in the mirror and seeing all the fat and stretch marks. I hate how stupid I was to wish for breasts and a valumptious *kitten*. I don't want to go back and be underweight and skinny as hell.. But now alls I want is to be healthy. That's all I want. I want to find myself on the inside and the outside. any suggestions help me big time. I just need help finding my way.

Replies

  • Gozira99
    Gozira99 Posts: 19 Member
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    Most of the women I know, including my sister and mother, have all had problems revolving around the female anatomy. Being able to have children can be really hard on women, before and after. I know I don't have to tell you that, but try and keep it in perspective. If you beat yourself up too much about changes to your physical appearances you are always going to struggle as you grow older and it makes it very difficult to see the positive in certain situations. You are young, and an athlete...you can do what you need to turn this around. Set small goals, short term goals, and start to stack them up as hit them. Being healthy doesn't always mean you look like a magazine model. Overall health has to do with mind body and spirit. For me, also a former athlete, I suffered a serious injury while competing and it changed my life forever. I first had to find peace mentally, then I was able to move on. I did that through my faith. Once I was able to find my peace, the physical part fell into line very quickly. Being healthy can also mean a change in lifestyle. Healthy living is also important...so cut out as much of the nonsense and immature crap that is in our everyday society. Do what makes you happy and what you love and you will find yourself. Be yourself and not someone else. Make decisions for you, not decisions that make others happy. Life will beat you down every chance it gets, but it's the same for everyone, so dont take it for granted. Fight for everything you want and celebrate even the small victories. Keep swinging...you will hit it out of the park eventually!
  • 8healthy3
    8healthy3 Posts: 11 Member
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    Because you was training so hard, it might have been some muscle weight which is a good thing! You will look even better, once you lose the fat weight.
  • falconaviation73
    falconaviation73 Posts: 20 Member
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    I believe a lot of us who have played and competed in sports tend to judge ourselves very harshly, I know I do. Best advice I can give you is to keep a diary for food and training. Don't judge yourself, you are on the right track!
  • grannymcfannie
    grannymcfannie Posts: 22 Member
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    You are very young and your body is changing. I can tell you that it might take a up to a year for the hormone from the shot to leave your body. Give it time and don't be so hard on yourself. You've made a transition from a teenager to a young woman and that in itself changes your body and mind. Please be a healthy weight and do not long to be 100 lbs again as its underweight. Exercise modesty and eat modesty is the best thing to do and let your body do the rest.
  • jordanschnabel7
    jordanschnabel7 Posts: 3 Member
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    Thank you all for your wonderful feedback!
  • philbanet
    philbanet Posts: 73 Member
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    Sounds like you got some good advice. You're on the right track!
  • errollmaclean
    errollmaclean Posts: 562 Member
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    So sorry you're having a rough time. Don't worry though you're in the right place to successfully lose weight.

    "Eating clean" won't keep you from gaining weight if you're in a caloric surplus. The only way to know how many calories you're really eating is with a digital food scale. Weigh all solids, only use measuring cups for liquids. *also "dirty foods" won't make you gain weight in a caloric deficit. You can eat treats if you stay within your calories. Look up macronutrients (protein, fat, carbs). They are all essential for various body functions, so try to hit your daily minimum protein, fat, and fiber. Check out the stickied posts at the top of each forum section for lots of great information.

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