My Big, Fat Fatty Story

kellyrorie
kellyrorie Posts: 47 Member
edited September 29 in Introduce Yourself
Just a warning, this story is long. It also begins and ends with fat. However, the great thing about life is that we are constantly writing the next chapter. In this chapter, I will once again relinquish control of my own habits. I am my own heroine. I'm working on the cool leather suit (size 9, of course).

This will be my second time attempting to lose weight by using My Fitness Pal. Last time, I didn't make friends or get involved in the Forums etc. This time, I am compelled to do so because of the way so many people on this website have inspired me. I've been brought to tears by people's struggles, and soared high with people's results (all while wasting time at my desk during working hours...oops, I said that out loud). For all those stories, I have been there. I know the feelings so well. We've had pizza together. Anyway, since I am now responding to YOUR stories, here is mine:

The Beginnings -

I have always struggled with weight. Always. I am not a naturally skinny person, and even when I am thin, I am mentally a fat person. I learned to embrace a lot about it. I like it when I have curves, and as far as genetics are concerned, I am ahead of a lot of family members at this age. On the flip side, I know a LOT of things that work for weight loss and getting in shape. I was six when I went on my first diet; no cokes, no candy. No joke. I've always stayed pretty active, but with the amount of food I can put down in a single sitting, it's no hope unless I change my lifestyle as far as food is concerned.

Through my late teens I managed to keep my weight somewhat under control. I was a swimmer in High school and also started taking dance a lot more serious by then. So, I could still eat whatever I wanted. At 19 I used the depo shot. I also stopped the swimming and dancing. I ballooned up 40lbs (to about 175), but lost it thanks to boot camp and E-1 pay when I first joined the military. No harm, no foul, the weight came and went in about 6 months. Then came the pregnancy.

The Longest Journey -

Fast forward 10 months to at least 98lbs heavier. The reason I say "at least 98 lbs" is because I refused to get on the scale until my daughter was about 2.5 months old. At that point, I weighed in at 238. That was 98 lbs of my own weight gain in about a year. Yeah, when I go, I go hard. At this weight, I remember crying... a lot. I started having panic attacks in public. I didn't want to go anywhere and was stuck inside, consoled by food. Then I had a moment in Burlington coat factory with my mom. She was trying to help me find something I could wear that was not maternity clothing. All there was in my size were matching cotton sets and mumu type dresses. I just told her I couldn't accept this. She looked at me like only she can and said "I know you can't honey, it's not you. So don't" . I liked the athletic version of myself. They healthy one, where I could run or swim forever. It gave me such confidence.

I couldn't do much but walk...but I could walk; and walk I did. For the next year, I walked as fast and as often as possible. I used to strap my daughter up in her snuggli and just go, even if it was around the block because I was short on time. Eventually I started feeling like jogging a bit here and there. I also followed the easiest diet ever. I didn't count calories or make anything complicated. I simply did not eat ANYTHING I could possibly feel guilty about. If I looked at the food and had one iota of feeling that "maybe I shouldn't", I didn't. I was tired of feeling like I was burying myself and crying about it. I HATE the guilt that comes with food. What it does to people's emotions and mental health is so much harder than the physical effects. I had a responsibility to myself and those who had to deal with me to feel better than that. I promised myself I would only get on the scale once a month. I was only focused on being a healthy person.

Surprisingly, the weight came off, slowly, but surely. I got stuck at 185 for about 3 months, but it finally fell off too. I finally rested between 148-155 lbs. It seemed like it took forever. Then suddenly it was over and people couldn't even recognize me. I worked nights that year, and when I went back to working days, colleagues thought I was a new person. It was great. I was told that people couldn't even imagine me being so big. Yay. The problem was, I still wasn't healthy. I was squishy. I stopped walking for about a year after that and kept my weight down (ish) with diet only. I still wanted that healthy person portion.

The Golden Age; No More "skinny, fat" -

Then I went to Afghanistan. So many people there with me were in such great shape and a group of co-workers had a running group. I wanted to try, but had no way to gauge my running. I got on the treadmill and tried to run for the first time in about 3 years. Yikes. It was less than a half a mile! I was officially a "skinny, fat person". I still wanted to try. I did a little bit every day. I met some really awesome girls who took me under their wings and pushed me. They showed me tips and tricks. Then, I switched schedules for a little while and was training on my own... I added intervals and strength training. Then it felt so good, I added more miles and more strength training from P90x. I could do pull ups and push ups until the cows came home. I was so strong! It was addicting and it was liberating! When I went back to my normal schedule. I shocked myself. I could out run them all (except one). I felt unstoppable. The funny part is, I was 10 lbs heavier! I used to cry that I was working so hard and still fat (there are not many mirrors in Afghanistan!).

When I got home from Afghanistan, I got a whole lot of "holy crap, you look great!". I ran in 3 races and surprised the heck out of myself with my race times. I could see my abs. I could see my leg muscles. This was by far the best shape of my life. I was strong, energetic, and ALL my clothes fit! I could go into any store and grab anything, and it would look right. That NEVER
happens! BUT....

Here I am Now:

A year and change later, I lost the gumption. I got in a bad relationship. I turned to food. I never worked out. I lost all that muscle. I tried MFP in Feb at 156 lbs, I got down to 148, but didn't work out and lost the motivation. About a month ago, I went to the doctor for a follow-up and she informed me I had gained 12 lbs...in a month. Hello stress eating. That day I was 164 lbs. I started logging again at 161.4 lbs on my home scale. How I feel right now is exactly how I did on my way to 238. It's out of control. I binge eat like crazy and it's time to stop. So, here I am. I'm discouraged and I feel like it's hopeless. I repeat this cycle over and over and over. This 20 lbs feels so much harder than the 98 from before. I've tried to get back into the "golden age" and then quit so many times. But this time, I'm serious.

SO, two weeks ago I started logging on MFP again. I am doing Zumba, Kickboxing, and weight training at Transformations Gym. It is SO MUCH FUN! I gotta say, after two weeks of eating better (still not right or perfect) and exercising, I feel better even though there is no real physical change. I think that is what I needed. My boyfriend has been gone for a month, and I'm definitely seeking that Non-scale Victory when he gets back!

I think this time, with forums and friends, this tool can be so, so, so helpful. I thank you all for sharing your stories. I thank you for allowing me to share mine. I know we can be happier versions of ourselves. Slow and steady wins the race...it may not be "biggest loser" style with weight falling off, but it's happening RIGHT now.

I wanted to part with a quote from the wall of Transformations Gym:

"The moment you decide not to quit, is the same moment you make the difference."

Thanks for reading,

Kelly

Im posting this on my blogs @ www.dearlifeofmine.wordpress.com and here on myftnesspal
too. Yes, this is shameless self promotion. On a good note, the blog is less wordy and more entertaining. Enjoy!

Replies

  • Jcdaniels
    Jcdaniels Posts: 22
    Great story!

    Keep up the good work.
  • diverchic73
    diverchic73 Posts: 314 Member
    Well, congrats on coming back and deciding to do something about it.

    Good luck with your journey :-)
  • babsgf
    babsgf Posts: 6 Member
    Hi Kelly, what an honest, courageous and beautiful story. Thanks for sharing. Of COURSE you can do it this time, you are already 99% of the way there, by deciding that you will.

    Anyway, good luck,
    Babs
  • sla0814
    sla0814 Posts: 240
    You've come so far and congrats on all of your success!! I enjoy reading people's story's because we all have one!! God bless :
  • mymelody_78
    mymelody_78 Posts: 657 Member
    I LOVE your story! We are here for you and if you would like, add me =) You have come a long way and you can do it!
  • Jellyphant
    Jellyphant Posts: 1,400 Member
    That's seriously crazy that you used to weigh 238, seeing how that's kinda the area that I'm in now. It's so cool that you were there, and you've seen your abs and ran in races and such. I could never see myself doing that, but that's just the negativity talking. Kudos to you and your weightloss journey, just with I could see your pictures! Theyre blocked on my work comp. e__e
  • healthyjen342
    healthyjen342 Posts: 1,435 Member
    Very well written. And I look forward to reading your blog!
  • priescm
    priescm Posts: 95
    I love your story!
  • Nomarfan
    Nomarfan Posts: 36
    Kelly, first and foremost, thank you for your service to our country! Being the daughter, sister, niece and granddaughter of Veterans, it is truly appreciated!
    Second, I hope you realize how inspiring YOU are! We have all been there with that feeling and we have now decided to do something about it. Good luck on your journey and thank you for sharing!
  • fit_chica69
    fit_chica69 Posts: 57 Member
    Awesome story!! :)
  • Melis25Fit
    Melis25Fit Posts: 811 Member
    Guess what? It's life. It happens. But what stands out to me is that YOU ARE NOT GIVING UP. That is amazing, Kelly, and you should be so proud of yourself because you are a fighter. Keep looking ahead. Keep focusing on what you know you need to do, and be STRONG. I've been stuck now mid 150's and it's driving me nuts. (Goal is 135) But you know what? Health matters and your body will thank you for taking good care of it, even if the lbs aren't coming off as fast now. Good luck with the rest of your journey, and remember to stay faithful to yourself!
  • Hi Kelly, what an honest, courageous and beautiful story. Thanks for sharing. Of COURSE you can do it this time, you are already 99% of the way there, by deciding that you will.

    Anyway, good luck,
    Babs

    I agree and truly enjoyed your story!! Thanks for the inspiration! Have faith and continue to be healthy!
  • RyonsLions2
    RyonsLions2 Posts: 350 Member
    Kelly!!! It brought tears to my eyes :cry: . I would like to be friends here on MFP!! Please friend me. I have about 25 to 30 lbs left to lose and I feel like it will never happen, but WE CAN DO THIS!!! Your story has encouraged me beyond belief :happy: ! Thank you and God bless!!
  • deniseg31
    deniseg31 Posts: 667 Member
    Wow!!! Such great story and very motivating. You've done it before you can certainly do it again. :) Good luck on your weightloss journey.

    :)
  • nicolerah
    nicolerah Posts: 440 Member
    bump
  • jagh09
    jagh09 Posts: 555 Member
    Amazing story, thank you for sharing. I can relate to so much of what you've shared here and it's really had an impact on me. I really appreciate you posting this.

    Best of luck on your journey! I'm going to keep looking back on this for motivation! I'm trying to find my gumption again too. :happy:
  • flstatefl5
    flstatefl5 Posts: 10 Member
    What a wonderful story! The power of I can is so strong. Thank you for sharing and inspiring me.
  • jenstanley13
    jenstanley13 Posts: 193 Member
    First as someone else said, thank you for your service and sacrficie for our country; it is greatly appreciated!

    Second, you story was very inspirational! I wish you luck on your journey and have no doubt that you will succeed. i think the biggest part of resolving weight issues and making fitness strides is realizing that it has to be a lifestyle change, I know I have been counting calories for a couple of weeks now and have learned to watch my portion sizes...I now find myself getting full before I have finished my plate which is a great feeling! Means leftovers for lunch the next day!

    Friend me if you would like, I would love to watch the progress you make on your journey.
  • Great Story and keep up the good work. You are worth it!
  • kbenage
    kbenage Posts: 11
    Thanks so much for sharing your story. I felt a lot of connections there with the emotional battle of having always been overweight. I would love to be added as a friend if you feel so inclined!
  • carilyn39
    carilyn39 Posts: 91 Member
    so well written. I really thing she has been spying on me.
  • carilyn39
    carilyn39 Posts: 91 Member
    opps "think" gosh
  • Sueboo31
    Sueboo31 Posts: 128
    Great story. Thank you for sharing. It comforts me to know that others have the same struggles especially when it comes to motivation. Why does the motivation disappear when we need it the most? You'll get those 20lbs off. You are here talking about it which proves you are ready and mean business. Good luck! Sending a friend request. :flowerforyou:
  • Cookiehart
    Cookiehart Posts: 11
    Hi, I want to encourage you to press forward, it's a new day. I know you will reach your goal.
    I'm new at this. I've done this now for two weeks and have enjoyed every miniute. My sister told me
    about this site and I'm so glad she did. I've struggled with weight my whole life!! I'm am so
    happy to have found something that is working for me. I also have found ZUMBA, they have some
    classed in my neighborhood and I LOVE IT!! I leave drenched everytime!!

    I only have two friends, well one I think the other has QUIT already.

    Take care Kellyrorie:smile:
  • bomomar
    bomomar Posts: 94 Member
    I'm looking for some people to compete with in weight loss. I'm a competitive guy and figure it might be motivational to compete against others. If you want to compete please let me know. We will base standings on weight loss percentages. Each week the last place finisher will be asked to donate $5.00 to a charity of your choice. Only join us if you are serious. If you are interested please send me a friend invite. Weigh-in and donation is honor system. LETS GO WE CAN DO IT.
  • dkrioux
    dkrioux Posts: 144
    Thank you for sharing! it isn't easy I know:) Stay strong and lean on your MFP friends!! I could not have made it this far without them!!! You will win!
  • kellyrorie
    kellyrorie Posts: 47 Member
    Wow - The response to my story was overwhelming. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I'm really thankful I decided to post this and make friends on here. MFPer's are some really, really awesome people.
    The kind words truly helped me push soooooo much harder for the last couple of days AND emotionally, I don't feel so alone or hopeless about weight because so many of you "get it".

    Thank you all again :)
  • AmberJenay
    AmberJenay Posts: 24
    This is a great and inspirational story. I am brand new to MFP but these message boards are so captivating. You can do this!! I am right there with you on this fitness journey! Good luck girl!
This discussion has been closed.