My Big, Fat Fatty Story

Just a warning, this story is long. It also begins and ends with fat. However, the great thing about life is that we are constantly writing the next chapter. In this chapter, I will once again relinquish control of my own habits. I am my own heroine. I'm working on the cool leather suit (size 9, of course).

This will be my second time attempting to lose weight by using My Fitness Pal. Last time, I didn't make friends or get involved in the Forums etc. This time, I am compelled to do so because of the way so many people on this website have inspired me. I've been brought to tears by people's struggles, and soared high with people's results (all while wasting time at my desk during working hours...oops, I said that out loud). For all those stories, I have been there. I know the feelings so well. We've had pizza together. Anyway, since I am now responding to YOUR stories, here is mine:

The Beginnings -

I have always struggled with weight. Always. I am not a naturally skinny person, and even when I am thin, I am mentally a fat person. I learned to embrace a lot about it. I like it when I have curves, and as far as genetics are concerned, I am ahead of a lot of family members at this age. On the flip side, I know a LOT of things that work for weight loss and getting in shape. I was six when I went on my first diet; no cokes, no candy. No joke. I've always stayed pretty active, but with the amount of food I can put down in a single sitting, it's no hope unless I change my lifestyle as far as food is concerned.

Through my late teens I managed to keep my weight somewhat under control. I was a swimmer in High school and also started taking dance a lot more serious by then. So, I could still eat whatever I wanted. At 19 I used the depo shot. I also stopped the swimming and dancing. I ballooned up 40lbs (to about 175), but lost it thanks to boot camp and E-1 pay when I first joined the military. No harm, no foul, the weight came and went in about 6 months. Then came the pregnancy.

The Longest Journey -

Fast forward 10 months to at least 98lbs heavier. The reason I say "at least 98 lbs" is because I refused to get on the scale until my daughter was about 2.5 months old. At that point, I weighed in at 238. That was 98 lbs of my own weight gain in about a year. Yeah, when I go, I go hard. At this weight, I remember crying... a lot. I started having panic attacks in public. I didn't want to go anywhere and was stuck inside, consoled by food. Then I had a moment in Burlington coat factory with my mom. She was trying to help me find something I could wear that was not maternity clothing. All there was in my size were matching cotton sets and mumu type dresses. I just told her I couldn't accept this. She looked at me like only she can and said "I know you can't honey, it's not you. So don't" . I liked the athletic version of myself. They healthy one, where I could run or swim forever. It gave me such confidence.

I couldn't do much but walk...but I could walk; and walk I did. For the next year, I walked as fast and as often as possible. I used to strap my daughter up in her snuggli and just go, even if it was around the block because I was short on time. Eventually I started feeling like jogging a bit here and there. I also followed the easiest diet ever. I didn't count calories or make anything complicated. I simply did not eat ANYTHING I could possibly feel guilty about. If I looked at the food and had one iota of feeling that "maybe I shouldn't", I didn't. I was tired of feeling like I was burying myself and crying about it. I HATE the guilt that comes with food. What it does to people's emotions and mental health is so much harder than the physical effects. I had a responsibility to myself and those who had to deal with me to feel better than that. I promised myself I would only get on the scale once a month. I was only focused on being a healthy person.

Surprisingly, the weight came off, slowly, but surely. I got stuck at 185 for about 3 months, but it finally fell off too. I finally rested between 148-155 lbs. It seemed like it took forever. Then suddenly it was over and people couldn't even recognize me. I worked nights that year, and when I went back to working days, colleagues thought I was a new person. It was great. I was told that people couldn't even imagine me being so big. Yay. The problem was, I still wasn't healthy. I was squishy. I stopped walking for about a year after that and kept my weight down (ish) with diet only. I still wanted that healthy person portion.

The Golden Age; No More "skinny, fat" -

Then I went to Afghanistan. So many people there with me were in such great shape and a group of co-workers had a running group. I wanted to try, but had no way to gauge my running. I got on the treadmill and tried to run for the first time in about 3 years. Yikes. It was less than a half a mile! I was officially a "skinny, fat person". I still wanted to try. I did a little bit every day. I met some really awesome girls who took me under their wings and pushed me. They showed me tips and tricks. Then, I switched schedules for a little while and was training on my own... I added intervals and strength training. Then it felt so good, I added more miles and more strength training from P90x. I could do pull ups and push ups until the cows came home. I was so strong! It was addicting and it was liberating! When I went back to my normal schedule. I shocked myself. I could out run them all (except one). I felt unstoppable. The funny part is, I was 10 lbs heavier! I used to cry that I was working so hard and still fat (there are not many mirrors in Afghanistan!).

When I got home from Afghanistan, I got a whole lot of "holy crap, you look great!". I ran in 3 races and surprised the heck out of myself with my race times. I could see my abs. I could see my leg muscles. This was by far the best shape of my life. I was strong, energetic, and ALL my clothes fit! I could go into any store and grab anything, and it would look right. That NEVER
happens! BUT....

Here I am Now:

A year and change later, I lost the gumption. I got in a bad relationship. I turned to food. I never worked out. I lost all that muscle. I tried MFP in Feb at 156 lbs, I got down to 148, but didn't work out and lost the motivation. About a month ago, I went to the doctor for a follow-up and she informed me I had gained 12 lbs...in a month. Hello stress eating. That day I was 164 lbs. I started logging again at 161.4 lbs on my home scale. How I feel right now is exactly how I did on my way to 238. It's out of control. I binge eat like crazy and it's time to stop. So, here I am. I'm discouraged and I feel like it's hopeless. I repeat this cycle over and over and over. This 20 lbs feels so much harder than the 98 from before. I've tried to get back into the "golden age" and then quit so many times. But this time, I'm serious.

SO, two weeks ago I started logging on MFP again. I am doing Zumba, Kickboxing, and weight training at Transformations Gym. It is SO MUCH FUN! I gotta say, after two weeks of eating better (still not right or perfect) and exercising, I feel better even though there is no real physical change. I think that is what I needed. My boyfriend has been gone for a month, and I'm definitely seeking that Non-scale Victory when he gets back!

I think this time, with forums and friends, this tool can be so, so, so helpful. I thank you all for sharing your stories. I thank you for allowing me to share mine. I know we can be happier versions of ourselves. Slow and steady wins the race...it may not be "biggest loser" style with weight falling off, but it's happening RIGHT now.

I wanted to part with a quote from the wall of Transformations Gym:

"The moment you decide not to quit, is the same moment you make the difference."

Thanks for reading,

Kelly

Im posting this on my blogs @ www.dearlifeofmine.wordpress.com and here on myftnesspal
too. Yes, this is shameless self promotion. On a good note, the blog is less wordy and more entertaining. Enjoy!