Debbie Downers

MrsBlaze
MrsBlaze Posts: 52
edited September 19 in Health and Weight Loss
Hey all my MFP friends!! I have an "aquaintance" who is overweight and not dieting or exercising. Well, she's pretty close to me and everytime we are around each other, she tries to make me cheat!! Stuff like "nobody will know', and "just this once", and "don't make me eat this all by myself". :explode:

She also says stuff like, "You know, its gonna take FOREVER for you to lose the weight, why don't you just accept that you're fat (like me) and quit killing youself?" :noway:

Does anyone have that problem? Any advice for the Debbie Downers that we can't avoid? :huh:

Replies

  • MrsBlaze
    MrsBlaze Posts: 52
    Hey all my MFP friends!! I have an "aquaintance" who is overweight and not dieting or exercising. Well, she's pretty close to me and everytime we are around each other, she tries to make me cheat!! Stuff like "nobody will know', and "just this once", and "don't make me eat this all by myself". :explode:

    She also says stuff like, "You know, its gonna take FOREVER for you to lose the weight, why don't you just accept that you're fat (like me) and quit killing youself?" :noway:

    Does anyone have that problem? Any advice for the Debbie Downers that we can't avoid? :huh:
  • mommachag
    mommachag Posts: 318
    i think maybe telling her that it hurts you when she does these things might be a good start. she may not realise how hurtfull and depressing her comments are. remind her that you would support her in her choices and be her cheer leader if need be.

    i guess if it's someone close i would be honest. someone not so close...just blow it off
  • memaw66
    memaw66 Posts: 2,558 Member
    I would just politely tell her that she might not want to lose weight but you do. It may take a while but in the end you will be much healthier!


    Memaw
  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
    She's not going to want to be around you once you start losing weight (and you will! :drinker: ) Sometimes we just need to "weed our garden" & get rid of those people who do not support us. :flowerforyou:
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    Stay strong. If she won't stop being a negative influence, try telling her that you are 100% dedicated to this new healthy lifestyle (don't use the term diet) and if she won't be supportive as a friend, then you must limit your time spent with her. Then FOLLOW through! When she calls you up to go out to a restaurant, suggest going out for a walk first. Then if she continues to be a downer, you may have to release her as a friend. Nobody needs extra difficulty on this path. It's pretty obvious that her comments are based in jealousy, so encourage her to join in, or at least make it clear that sabotage is unwelcome and will be stopped.

    Stick up for yourself!
  • sarabear
    sarabear Posts: 864
    Try to talk her into eating clean, tell her, just this once eat this or that, see how she likes it
  • Innerglow
    Innerglow Posts: 1,074 Member
    My jerk fiance does this to me!:grumble: The only advice that i can suggest is to really let her know that you're trying to make lifelong decisions, and she is either with you or not but, let her know that this hurts your feelings
  • Mireille
    Mireille Posts: 5,134 Member
    She's not going to want to be around you once you start losing weight (and you will! :drinker: ) Sometimes we just need to "weed our garden" & get rid of those people who do not support us. :flowerforyou:

    My thoughts exactly. :flowerforyou:
  • swissdutchess
    swissdutchess Posts: 109
    People make comments all the time about my eating regime. Its annoying and none of their business, and in the end its not their body that the food is going into, its mine, and I am in control of it. She may just be feeling guilty about her own weight problem and jealous that you are actually doing something about it. I know that if I overeat I feel better about myself if a friend I am with ate even more than I did. Sometimes putting others down or keeping them down from being successful more than you is a way to cloak low self esteem and confidence. I'm not trying to judge your friend, but perhaps that's what she's thinking. Hang in there and stick to your guns! It doesn't matter what other people say. This isn't for them, its for you!
  • adopt4
    adopt4 Posts: 970 Member
    Have a heart to heart with her. Is your friendship (from her perspective) soley because you are both overweight? Or are you really friends? If she values your friendship, then she needs to support you, and if she just wants a fat friend so she doesn't feel so bad about herself, it's time for her to move on.
  • Nlongenecker
    Nlongenecker Posts: 765
    Check out this article it's called, "Dieting with the Enemy, Are Friends and Family Making You Fat?" It tells why our loved ones may be sabotaging us (sometimes unintentionally) and how we can keep going. Hope it helps.

    http://www.prevention.com/cda/article/dieting-with-the-enemy/aa0968f271903110VgnVCM10000013281eac____/weight.loss/strategies.for.success/support.for.weight.loss/0/0/2
  • lessertess
    lessertess Posts: 855 Member
    Be honest with her. Tell her that her comments shake your confidence and make it harder for you to stick to your plan and that you would really appreciate her help and support. If she's a friend, she'll support you. If she's not a friend and continues to undermine you in that manner than you don't need to spend time with her.

    Also, be prepared for her express concern that when you lose the weight she's afraid that you'll no longer be friends. She may have some of her own insecurities tied to losing one of her "fat" friends.
  • TRLTAMPA
    TRLTAMPA Posts: 824
    She's probably TRYING to shake your confidence! Don't let her. I'm sure you losing weight makes her realize that it IS possible and that she needs to get off that couch.
    Just don't let it get to you. I don't think a big heart to heart is necessary. Show your conviction by not taking the bait. She'll get the hint.
  • Phoenixflame
    Phoenixflame Posts: 560 Member
    Tell her nicely to back off. If she keeps it up, tell her to fvck off and go sit somewhere where her immanent heart attack won't block traffic.

    Mean? Oh yes. But sometimes the claws need to come out, especially since it seems like she's trying to rattle you.
  • KatWood
    KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
    Be honest with her. Tell her that her comments shake your confidence and make it harder for you to stick to your plan and that you would really appreciate her help and support. If she's a friend, she'll support you. If she's not a friend and continues to undermine you in that manner than you don't need to spend time with her.

    Also, be prepared for her express concern that when you lose the weight she's afraid that you'll no longer be friends. She may have some of her own insecurities tied to losing one of her "fat" friends.

    I agree with lessertess.

    Also, you may be surprised that once she sees how well you are doing it may inspire her to make some healthy changes in her life too.
  • goochinator
    goochinator Posts: 383 Member
    I have a similar situation, although mine is not a friend...its a co-worker. Ms. co-worker will constantly shove food in my face and bring it to my desk...I realized she was not trying to be helpful, but trying to de-rail me as co-workers had noticed my changes and improvements, making comments about looking good and what not.
    The more people noticed and complimented, the more Ms. Co-worker would try to sabotage...I know it was jealousy and whatever HER issues were, not MINE...it acutally made me feel SO much stronger just to be able to say uh, nope- and to do what she needed to do, but wasnt. It made me feel good to turn it down just to spite her nastiness.

    With your case, as its a friend, try not to talk about weightloss/workouts/whatever and try to focus the friendship on other things. She might feel threatened by your succes, may feel guilty for not joining your efforts, scared that you will ditch her as a pal, etc.
    In any case, if needed, slowly move past her if talking to her doesnt help-Also maybe it might help to get a little 'stern' with her if the gentle talk doesnt do-and tell her " hey, that's enough. Either you support me or you dont- this is hard for me and I need support, not sabotage"
    Maybe she's not aware of how bad her bahavior is?

    When my sister had Weight Loss Surgery, I too felt a tiny bit 'abandoned' becuase we were great partners in crime when it came to eating. I did have the fear that she wouldnt want to be seen with me for being fat, etc...So I do understand the mentality a bit. I dont think I ever did a thing to sabotage her, I did feel a tad of jealousy here and there- I can see where its intimidating.
  • Chellekk
    Chellekk Posts: 421 Member
    Sometimes in life, you grow and others do not. Sometimes in life, you move on and others do not. Sometimes in life, you make new friends who are interested in the same things you are and others do not.

    If your friend isn't supportive and won't change for the better after you talk to her...it's ok to move on. It is a hard thing to do, but if you want to be happy and healthy in life...go ahead and let her know that she's not supportive and distructive to your life and you want to move on.

    I haven't had the weight situation happen to me with friends, but I have had friends who are constantly drama queens and downers with every part of their life and they feel the need to drag me down with them. They are no longer in my immediate life and I've never been more happy.
  • ellelit
    ellelit Posts: 806 Member
    surround yourself with positive people. i've dumped friends before who were sabatoging me. it's not worth it, and if she was a true friend, she would be supportive.
  • kendallalissa
    kendallalissa Posts: 249
    You call her a friend???
  • gnicolecan
    gnicolecan Posts: 293 Member
    IF you really love her, dont be afraid to say - I love you but this is important to me, can you please be more supportive! And then tell her exactly how.
    ;)
  • nickybr38
    nickybr38 Posts: 674 Member
    My Debbie Downer is my roommate. ): She is also my workout buddy and has a good 100lbs more then me to lose.

    I find that when I accomplish something she always claims to do it better and bigger. If I can lift 5 lb weights and want to share my victory she'll brag that she can do 40 reps with them because they're so easy. If I tell her I ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes she'll tell me she went on the elliptical for 50 minutes. If I hurt myself and can't go to the gym she harasses me and calls me a quitter.

    I haven't really figured out HOW to deal with her because frankly I don't have the energy to have any kind of a discussion (working 9-9, going to gym 6-8AM and feeling sick and exhausted 24/7)... but for now I just ignore her mean spirited little jabs.
  • Phoenixflame
    Phoenixflame Posts: 560 Member
    nickybr38...eeeep, sucks to hear about that. :frown:

    I'm so happy that my roommate is a great support. She's a skinny little dancer, so she has lots of exercises for legs. She doesn't really work out or dance anymore, and she eats a lot of junk, but she never flaunts it in my face. And if I've had a rough day, she's always there to listen.

    My Debbie Downer is sometimes my mom. I'll be super proud that I walked away from a piece of cake. She'll roll her eyes and say "Good Lord, it wouldn't have killed you. You are SO neurotic!" Or I'll calmly explain that I do in fact need to lose more body fat, because it's 9% higher than what it should it. I get an eyeroll and an "Aww, gee, like that's gonna hurt you." Uh...yeah it could?

    She needs to lose a lot of weight herself, so I think she feels a bit defensive that I lost a lot without trendy diets or pills--just eating healthy and exercising. But when I last saw her, she told me she'd bought the Dancing With the Stars workout video, and that she hopes to be in better shape next time she sees me. So yay!
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