Lack of support from family.
SoxyKitten
Posts: 80 Member
How do you deal with this?
A bit of background. I was always active as a teenager & in my early 20's. Had horses, rode competitively etc. Got married and gained a bit of weight & then got pregnant at 30 & gained a ton due to developing an autoimmune condition & becoming depressed after the birth. Fast forward nearly 10yrs & I've lost 115lbs on my own, am fitter than I've been for years & despite 2 surgeries for hip problems, I'm very active & have totally changed my life around! I'm also now a single mum having left my unsupportive, miserable husband 2yrs ago as realised I was in danger of being sabotaged by him and dragged back into a sedentary lifestyle.
So, my problem. My parents are so negative towards my fitness goals & the things I want to do in my life. They complain when I do the likes of Tough Mudder or other mud runs, when I did a bungee jump last year they fell out with me as it was a dangerous & stupid thing to do. I go to the gym "too much" ( twice a week on my days off is usual ). I shouldn't be wasting my money on entering things such as races or the abseil I'm doing on Sunday. Last night we had a row because I'm planning to climb Kilimanjaro next year with 2 friends & they say it's a stupid idea. And that as a single mum I'm being irresponsible to even think about it!
I try not to ask them to babysit where possible when I'm doing fitness related things. I don't ask them for money. They know that I'm much happier living an active, fit life. So please, as outsiders, tell me why are they so against everything I do!! I'd love them to be supportive & proud but I think they'd prefer me to sit on the sofa watching tv all day
A bit of background. I was always active as a teenager & in my early 20's. Had horses, rode competitively etc. Got married and gained a bit of weight & then got pregnant at 30 & gained a ton due to developing an autoimmune condition & becoming depressed after the birth. Fast forward nearly 10yrs & I've lost 115lbs on my own, am fitter than I've been for years & despite 2 surgeries for hip problems, I'm very active & have totally changed my life around! I'm also now a single mum having left my unsupportive, miserable husband 2yrs ago as realised I was in danger of being sabotaged by him and dragged back into a sedentary lifestyle.
So, my problem. My parents are so negative towards my fitness goals & the things I want to do in my life. They complain when I do the likes of Tough Mudder or other mud runs, when I did a bungee jump last year they fell out with me as it was a dangerous & stupid thing to do. I go to the gym "too much" ( twice a week on my days off is usual ). I shouldn't be wasting my money on entering things such as races or the abseil I'm doing on Sunday. Last night we had a row because I'm planning to climb Kilimanjaro next year with 2 friends & they say it's a stupid idea. And that as a single mum I'm being irresponsible to even think about it!
I try not to ask them to babysit where possible when I'm doing fitness related things. I don't ask them for money. They know that I'm much happier living an active, fit life. So please, as outsiders, tell me why are they so against everything I do!! I'd love them to be supportive & proud but I think they'd prefer me to sit on the sofa watching tv all day
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Replies
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I am guessing they are truly worried that something may happen to you and they can't communicate it or even realize it, so they just argue and criticise.
I am the person who for years fought with mum over my choices and although i was constantly saying i am happy she always knew better what should make me happy. So I know how you feel. Years of fighting we finally agreed to disagree, i try to explain better my choices and constantly remind her that I am an adult and I love my life as it is.
You are doing right but not depending on them to baby sit while doing your "crazy stuff". The less you are going to expose them to your activities the better, i am not talking about hiding but just talk about something else. If you don't have already find friends, fb groups etc. with similar views. Think with what you are on the same page, for me it helped enourmously when I got my mum to crochet, now it's our passion and neutral subject.
Be assertive. You have your own life, your choices and you don't have to defend them. There is a fine line and huge difference between saying "it's not your business" (provokes attack, proving tjat it is in fact their business) and "I am sorry that you don't like my choices" (there is no offensive here).
I hope what I wrote makes sense to you. Be happy, be patient and good luck xxx8 -
It will take some time, but I guess they think they're doing the right thing. Don't we all as parents?
My guess is that as soon as they see how fit you're becoming, how much more confidence you have and how much happier you are, they'll come round.
Until then - 115lbs? Holy hell! That's amazing!1 -
It sounds like you have created a fantastic life and have had great achievements. The way others react comes from a place of love or fear and nothing you do will change how they behave. Make what you want of their behaviour but just keep making yourself happy regardless. Keep it up!
Love and light x1 -
Stop telling your parents your plans. You don't need their (or anyone else's) approval at your age.9
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Parents naturally worry when their offspring do things that are outside of their own comfort zone. At least you are living a healthy life and I'm sure they would worry a whole lot more if you were living a toxic life of drink and drugs. They should be thankful that you're healthy lifestyle is setting a good example to their grandchild. I've got 2 kids of 18 & 20 years....I know which lifestyle choice would concern me the most.2
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First of all congratulations on finding your life again after all you've been through, not many people are fortunate to move forward instead they continue to live a life of miseries. You are a mother, you are an adult, love your parents regardless and continue to live your healthy lifestyle for you and your child. Best of luck1
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I just keep on doing what I'm doing. My family members are also worried that I exercise too much, will become too bulky, too skinny and so forth. Next time I visit them I'm expecting some bad comments because I'll be a lot smaller. I'll just tell them it's from exercise. (Which is true, just withholding a small part of the whole truth
)
And if they continue nagging on, I'll just keep saying "Okay." And continue with my goals.
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I have learned over the years to just keep quiet about things that I know will start an argument.
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Theircomplaining is very more likely concern for you, but there is possibly also concern for your child/children they obviously want you around for them.
There are possibly other concerns they may have...while you say they don't babysit much while you do fitness activities do they babysit a lot otherwise? If you are working and doing a lot of fitness things are they concerned about the amount of time that you spend with your child/children?0 -
tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Theircomplaining is very more likely concern for you, but there is possibly also concern for your child/children they obviously want you around for them.
There are possibly other concerns they may have...while you say they don't babysit much while you do fitness activities do they babysit a lot otherwise? If you are working and doing a lot of fitness things are they concerned about the amount of time that you spend with your child/children?
I usually work while my daughter is with my ex but once a week they do collect her from school & keep her until I finish work at 7.30pm. I'm a nurse & I work 2 12.5hr shifts & 1 10hr shift a week. I try to plan most things when she's at her dads but it doesn't always work out that way so I guess part of it could be that they think I should be spending more time with her? But I also don't feel that doing a mud run or a cycle race once a month & being away from my child for a day is that big a deal. If I go to outdoor circuits which my friend hosts, my daughter comes and joins in. She loves it! I don't ever ask them to have her if I go to the gym. I do that through the week when she's at school and I'm on my days off.
I guess they are mostly just concerned but I wish they'd explain themselves or give me some sort of rationale. They've never said they're proud of me for losing the weight or turning my life around. I guess it just makes me sad that the people who I want to support me the most, don't.
My friends are great & most are like me! Always looking for the next challenge. I've even got some work colleagues to form a team for a 10km mud run at the end of the month! Maybe I'll just have to be proud of myself & give up on them ever showing support. It does make it hard at the times when I do need to ask them to babysit for me though
Thanks guys xxx1 -
I'm 47, and my parents still find fault in every single thing I do, every chance they get. I don't think it's that they disapprove of my choices, per se...so much as this is their way, the way they've always been, and they know no other way. My real father died last year, and I have so many regrets about his passing...love your parents for who they are, they are the only ones you have, and when they're gone, that's it. No more chances.. xo2
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Soxy...hun. Consider Being the woman you'd be without their meddling. Be the woman of your dreams. Surrounding yourself with others.1
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Have you ever sat down and had this conversation with them?
I have had some pretty blunt discussions with my parents and over time they have actually changed. I also realize that although my parents have their faults and are going to drive me nuts at times on the whole they really are fantastic, caring people and have shown an ability to adapt that has surprised both me and them. They have changed a lot since I was a kid, but they are still a whole different generation and have some viewpoints I just don't get.
There was a time I was close to as frustrated with my parents as you seem to sound, it may be worth it find a time to just sit and talk openly about your feelings and concerns.0 -
makingmark wrote: »Have you ever sat down and had this conversation with them?
I have had some pretty blunt discussions with my parents and over time they have actually changed. I also realize that although my parents have their faults and are going to drive me nuts at times on the whole they really are fantastic, caring people and have shown an ability to adapt that has surprised both me and them. They have changed a lot since I was a kid, but they are still a whole different generation and have some viewpoints I just don't get.
There was a time I was close to as frustrated with my parents as you seem to sound, it may be worth it find a time to just sit and talk openly about your feelings and concerns.
I think a conversation like you suggest is definitely on the cards sooner rather than later. I just wish they wouldn't be so nasty when they are poo pooing my dreams!! Kilimanjaro is a once in a lifetime thing & at this rate it'll be ruined by their attitude. I'm afraid after nearly 40yrs on this earth, their opinions still get to me & can hurt me deeply 0 -
You take care of you and your children. That's your job. It's not your job to fit your life around your parents' feelings and ideas of what should be. You take care of you.
If they are going to put you down and make you feel bad for what makes you happy and healthy, then they aren't going to see you or the kids as much. You probably need to have that conversation with them... and SMILE. Don't accuse, attack. Just smile and let them know it's going to be ok, but you are going to do your fitness thing with or without them.3 -
Be proud of your accomplishments. Even though it would be nice, you don't need their approval. My parents side eyed my lifting program when I first started. I kept doing it anyway.2
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I think you are setting a great example for your kids - being adventurous and taking care of yourself and loving life.3
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SoxyKitten wrote: »
My parents are so negative towards my fitness goals & the things I want to do in my life. They complain when I do the likes of Tough Mudder or other mud runs, when I did a bungee jump last year they fell out with me as it was a dangerous & stupid thing to do. I go to the gym "too much" ( twice a week on my days off is usual ). I shouldn't be wasting my money on entering things such as races or the abseil I'm doing on Sunday. Last night we had a row because I'm planning to climb Kilimanjaro next year with 2 friends & they say it's a stupid idea. And that as a single mum I'm being irresponsible to even think about it!
I try not to ask them to babysit where possible when I'm doing fitness related things. I don't ask them for money. They know that I'm much happier living an active, fit life. So please, as outsiders, tell me why are they so against everything I do!! I'd love them to be supportive & proud but I think they'd prefer me to sit on the sofa watching tv all day
Good for you for taking steps to make positive changes in your life, I would love to climb Kilimanjaro (it's actually on my bucket list)
It sounds like your activities are in no way impacting them, it may sound harsh but it may be time to tell them to STFU and mind their own business and, worst case scenario, break off contact from a toxic relationship.
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I am wondering if they compliment you on any of your dreams and accomplishments? Some people are simply failures at being parents.
I also don't believe you are hurting your child in any way by having dreams and ambitions.
How about opening a Go Fund Me page for your Kilamanjero trip and collect fans from work and your neighbourhood to cheer you on?
https://books.google.ca/books/about/Toxic_Parents.html?id=rF-KognLBOgC&source=kp_cover&redir_esc=y&hl=en
My daughter expressed fear over some of my fitness choices over the past few years. I shrugged and did it anyways. As a concession I took a class when I took up running. She came around. This year she came on some runs with me.
But I suspect with your parents the opposition is more deep seated than that. Frankly I don't understand people who would trash on their children's dreams, no matter how different they may be.3 -
Same thing I have told my own parents: "I am a grown adult and I live as I see fit. Your disrespectful comments are not appreciated and only make me want to spend less time around you."3
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CurlyCockney wrote: »Stop telling your parents your plans. You don't need their (or anyone else's) approval at your age.
This.1 -
How about opening a Go Fund Me page for your Kilamanjero trip ........
Seriously? How about saving your own money rather than engaging in high-tech panhandling? Just because it's on-line doesn't add dignity to begging........
I suspect that the OP would find this suggestion offensive too as she seems to want to be a fully realized, independent adult......
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BrianSharpe wrote: »SoxyKitten wrote: »
My parents are so negative towards my fitness goals & the things I want to do in my life. They complain when I do the likes of Tough Mudder or other mud runs, when I did a bungee jump last year they fell out with me as it was a dangerous & stupid thing to do. I go to the gym "too much" ( twice a week on my days off is usual ). I shouldn't be wasting my money on entering things such as races or the abseil I'm doing on Sunday. Last night we had a row because I'm planning to climb Kilimanjaro next year with 2 friends & they say it's a stupid idea. And that as a single mum I'm being irresponsible to even think about it!
I try not to ask them to babysit where possible when I'm doing fitness related things. I don't ask them for money. They know that I'm much happier living an active, fit life. So please, as outsiders, tell me why are they so against everything I do!! I'd love them to be supportive & proud but I think they'd prefer me to sit on the sofa watching tv all day
Good for you for taking steps to make positive changes in your life, I would love to climb Kilimanjaro (it's actually on my bucket list)
It sounds like your activities are in no way impacting them, it may sound harsh but it may be time to tell them to STFU and mind their own business and, worst case scenario, break off contact from a toxic relationship.
Be careful doing this. I did this exact thing, and have lived to regret it. Now I wish I had my real father here to nag me. Not all people who pester are "toxic"...neither are all people who say the wrong things. Sometimes it's all they know. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be a rug and let them walk all over you or treat you badly; I'm saying be careful cutting them out completely, be careful taking that stand, as you never know when it'll be too late. Much love! xo2 -
I think you are doing great in balancing work, motherhood and Life. Tell them that you appreciate their concern, but as their daughter, you want them to be proud of you. Perhaps you can invite them to come and watch a mud run, and go for a meal after. And I do get them about the climbing of the mountain and the bungee jumping. I so hope my three kids never do that. Too bad for my heart.0
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Thanks guys. It's great to get everyone's points of view. I appreciate all your inputs. X1
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SoxyKitten wrote: »makingmark wrote: »Have you ever sat down and had this conversation with them?
I have had some pretty blunt discussions with my parents and over time they have actually changed. I also realize that although my parents have their faults and are going to drive me nuts at times on the whole they really are fantastic, caring people and have shown an ability to adapt that has surprised both me and them. They have changed a lot since I was a kid, but they are still a whole different generation and have some viewpoints I just don't get.
There was a time I was close to as frustrated with my parents as you seem to sound, it may be worth it find a time to just sit and talk openly about your feelings and concerns.
I think a conversation like you suggest is definitely on the cards sooner rather than later. I just wish they wouldn't be so nasty when they are poo pooing my dreams!! Kilimanjaro is a once in a lifetime thing & at this rate it'll be ruined by their attitude. I'm afraid after nearly 40yrs on this earth, their opinions still get to me & can hurt me deeply
I totally understand that feeling. I just got to a point where I had had it. I felt like I didn't have anything to lose because the relationship had become so toxic. The good thing is that they realized it too. We had a few long talks, shed some tears, hollered a bit and ended up hugging it out eventually. The root of it all is that we love each other and we were letting other crap stand in the way.
Your parents need to know that this is making you happy and you are still thinking of your future even though you are spending money now. It is their job to worry about you, let them know you are hearing them.2 -
It is hard when we have unsupportive parents...or parents who cant support us in the way we need them to.
Don't bring up your fitness with them, it is clearly a topic you can't discuss together. And remember it takes 2 to fight. If they start a fight over fitness you just assert yourself "I'm not comfortable discussing this, can we please talk about something else?" if they refuse, then leave.1 -
lizzieloo934 wrote: »It is hard when we have unsupportive parents...or parents who cant support us in the way we need them to.
Don't bring up your fitness with them, it is clearly a topic you can't discuss together. And remember it takes 2 to fight. If they start a fight over fitness you just assert yourself "I'm not comfortable discussing this, can we please talk about something else?" if they refuse, then leave.
That's what I did last night. When my mum said my plan to climb Kilimanjaro was idiotic I just said I was too tired after a long work day to argue, got my daughter organised & we left.0 -
Coming a bit from the other side. With a 43 yo son I suspect I am old enough to be your mother.
As we get older we can tend to be less adventurous and more worrisome.
We can also find it a bit harder to adjust to new ideas and lifestyle changes.
They may just need to hear more practical information. How you are financing, insurance, wills, flights, lodging, equipment, Emergency evacuation plans. Child care arrangements, house care arrangements.
When my son was 23 and I was 43 I would have kissed him on the cheek and told him to have fun.
Now, 20 years later, I would need reassurance that he had a well thought out plan- and it may take a couple of months for me to get my head around it.
Remember you have been working through your new lifestyle in your head for a long time, taking it from a small seed of an idea right through to a full blown plan. But each new adventure you tell them is something that they have to internalise and get use to. It takes time.
Have you asked them along to watch your mud runs?
They may make excellent spectathletes and get a greater understanding of why you enjoy what you do.
It is hard to recognise that you do worry and have more fears as you age, but it does happen to most of us.
(Replying to this post made me recognise that I do, and I'm quite adventurous)
Cheers, h.
I really hope you can all make peace with your plans.3 -
I simply go everyday for me and me alone. I have several supervisors at my work who are constantly giving me a hard time about working out all of the time. Saying it's all pointless. All the while I look at the crap they eat and the fact that they huff trying to walk up stairs. Just go for yourself, that's who you're doing it for. Who cares what others have to say or think.2
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