Lack of support from family.

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SoxyKitten
SoxyKitten Posts: 80 Member
in Fitness and Exercise
How do you deal with this?

A bit of background. I was always active as a teenager & in my early 20's. Had horses, rode competitively etc. Got married and gained a bit of weight & then got pregnant at 30 & gained a ton due to developing an autoimmune condition & becoming depressed after the birth. Fast forward nearly 10yrs & I've lost 115lbs on my own, am fitter than I've been for years & despite 2 surgeries for hip problems, I'm very active & have totally changed my life around! I'm also now a single mum having left my unsupportive, miserable husband 2yrs ago as realised I was in danger of being sabotaged by him and dragged back into a sedentary lifestyle.

So, my problem. My parents are so negative towards my fitness goals & the things I want to do in my life. They complain when I do the likes of Tough Mudder or other mud runs, when I did a bungee jump last year they fell out with me as it was a dangerous & stupid thing to do. I go to the gym "too much" ( twice a week on my days off is usual ). I shouldn't be wasting my money on entering things such as races or the abseil I'm doing on Sunday. Last night we had a row because I'm planning to climb Kilimanjaro next year with 2 friends & they say it's a stupid idea. And that as a single mum I'm being irresponsible to even think about it!

I try not to ask them to babysit where possible when I'm doing fitness related things. I don't ask them for money. They know that I'm much happier living an active, fit life. So please, as outsiders, tell me why are they so against everything I do!! I'd love them to be supportive & proud but I think they'd prefer me to sit on the sofa watching tv all day :(
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Replies

  • pdm3547
    pdm3547 Posts: 1,057 Member
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    It will take some time, but I guess they think they're doing the right thing. Don't we all as parents?
    My guess is that as soon as they see how fit you're becoming, how much more confidence you have and how much happier you are, they'll come round.
    Until then - 115lbs? Holy hell! That's amazing!
  • FinFoxPT
    FinFoxPT Posts: 106 Member
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    It sounds like you have created a fantastic life and have had great achievements. The way others react comes from a place of love or fear and nothing you do will change how they behave. Make what you want of their behaviour but just keep making yourself happy regardless. Keep it up!

    Love and light x
  • julielh72
    julielh72 Posts: 92 Member
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    Parents naturally worry when their offspring do things that are outside of their own comfort zone. At least you are living a healthy life and I'm sure they would worry a whole lot more if you were living a toxic life of drink and drugs. They should be thankful that you're healthy lifestyle is setting a good example to their grandchild. I've got 2 kids of 18 & 20 years....I know which lifestyle choice would concern me the most.
  • lgreen0266
    lgreen0266 Posts: 23 Member
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    First of all congratulations on finding your life again after all you've been through, not many people are fortunate to move forward instead they continue to live a life of miseries. You are a mother, you are an adult, love your parents regardless and continue to live your healthy lifestyle for you and your child. Best of luck
  • Shadowmf023
    Shadowmf023 Posts: 812 Member
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    I just keep on doing what I'm doing. My family members are also worried that I exercise too much, will become too bulky, too skinny and so forth. Next time I visit them I'm expecting some bad comments because I'll be a lot smaller. I'll just tell them it's from exercise. (Which is true, just withholding a small part of the whole truth :wink: )

    And if they continue nagging on, I'll just keep saying "Okay." And continue with my goals. :lol:
  • MelodyMomof2
    MelodyMomof2 Posts: 45 Member
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    I have learned over the years to just keep quiet about things that I know will start an argument. :)
  • tiptoethruthetulips
    tiptoethruthetulips Posts: 3,365 Member
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    Theircomplaining is very more likely concern for you, but there is possibly also concern for your child/children they obviously want you around for them.

    There are possibly other concerns they may have...while you say they don't babysit much while you do fitness activities do they babysit a lot otherwise? If you are working and doing a lot of fitness things are they concerned about the amount of time that you spend with your child/children?
  • SoxyKitten
    SoxyKitten Posts: 80 Member
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    tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »
    Theircomplaining is very more likely concern for you, but there is possibly also concern for your child/children they obviously want you around for them.

    There are possibly other concerns they may have...while you say they don't babysit much while you do fitness activities do they babysit a lot otherwise? If you are working and doing a lot of fitness things are they concerned about the amount of time that you spend with your child/children?

    I usually work while my daughter is with my ex but once a week they do collect her from school & keep her until I finish work at 7.30pm. I'm a nurse & I work 2 12.5hr shifts & 1 10hr shift a week. I try to plan most things when she's at her dads but it doesn't always work out that way so I guess part of it could be that they think I should be spending more time with her? But I also don't feel that doing a mud run or a cycle race once a month & being away from my child for a day is that big a deal. If I go to outdoor circuits which my friend hosts, my daughter comes and joins in. She loves it! I don't ever ask them to have her if I go to the gym. I do that through the week when she's at school and I'm on my days off.

    I guess they are mostly just concerned but I wish they'd explain themselves or give me some sort of rationale. They've never said they're proud of me for losing the weight or turning my life around. I guess it just makes me sad that the people who I want to support me the most, don't.

    My friends are great & most are like me! Always looking for the next challenge. I've even got some work colleagues to form a team for a 10km mud run at the end of the month! Maybe I'll just have to be proud of myself & give up on them ever showing support. It does make it hard at the times when I do need to ask them to babysit for me though :(

    Thanks guys xxx
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,338 Member
    edited August 2016
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    I'm 47, and my parents still find fault in every single thing I do, every chance they get. I don't think it's that they disapprove of my choices, per se...so much as this is their way, the way they've always been, and they know no other way. My real father died last year, and I have so many regrets about his passing...love your parents for who they are, they are the only ones you have, and when they're gone, that's it. No more chances.. xo
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
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    Soxy...hun. Consider Being the woman you'd be without their meddling. Be the woman of your dreams. Surrounding yourself with others.
  • upoffthemat
    upoffthemat Posts: 679 Member
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    Have you ever sat down and had this conversation with them?
    I have had some pretty blunt discussions with my parents and over time they have actually changed. I also realize that although my parents have their faults and are going to drive me nuts at times on the whole they really are fantastic, caring people and have shown an ability to adapt that has surprised both me and them. They have changed a lot since I was a kid, but they are still a whole different generation and have some viewpoints I just don't get.
    There was a time I was close to as frustrated with my parents as you seem to sound, it may be worth it find a time to just sit and talk openly about your feelings and concerns.
  • SoxyKitten
    SoxyKitten Posts: 80 Member
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    makingmark wrote: »
    Have you ever sat down and had this conversation with them?
    I have had some pretty blunt discussions with my parents and over time they have actually changed. I also realize that although my parents have their faults and are going to drive me nuts at times on the whole they really are fantastic, caring people and have shown an ability to adapt that has surprised both me and them. They have changed a lot since I was a kid, but they are still a whole different generation and have some viewpoints I just don't get.
    There was a time I was close to as frustrated with my parents as you seem to sound, it may be worth it find a time to just sit and talk openly about your feelings and concerns.

    I think a conversation like you suggest is definitely on the cards sooner rather than later. I just wish they wouldn't be so nasty when they are poo pooing my dreams!! Kilimanjaro is a once in a lifetime thing & at this rate it'll be ruined by their attitude. I'm afraid after nearly 40yrs on this earth, their opinions still get to me & can hurt me deeply :(
  • HeidiFuture
    HeidiFuture Posts: 54 Member
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    You take care of you and your children. That's your job. It's not your job to fit your life around your parents' feelings and ideas of what should be. You take care of you.

    If they are going to put you down and make you feel bad for what makes you happy and healthy, then they aren't going to see you or the kids as much. You probably need to have that conversation with them... and SMILE. Don't accuse, attack. Just smile and let them know it's going to be ok, but you are going to do your fitness thing with or without them.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
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    Be proud of your accomplishments. Even though it would be nice, you don't need their approval. My parents side eyed my lifting program when I first started. I kept doing it anyway.
  • sallygroundhog
    sallygroundhog Posts: 133 Member
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    I think you are setting a great example for your kids - being adventurous and taking care of yourself and loving life.
  • BrianSharpe
    BrianSharpe Posts: 9,248 Member
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    SoxyKitten wrote: »

    My parents are so negative towards my fitness goals & the things I want to do in my life. They complain when I do the likes of Tough Mudder or other mud runs, when I did a bungee jump last year they fell out with me as it was a dangerous & stupid thing to do. I go to the gym "too much" ( twice a week on my days off is usual ). I shouldn't be wasting my money on entering things such as races or the abseil I'm doing on Sunday. Last night we had a row because I'm planning to climb Kilimanjaro next year with 2 friends & they say it's a stupid idea. And that as a single mum I'm being irresponsible to even think about it!

    I try not to ask them to babysit where possible when I'm doing fitness related things. I don't ask them for money. They know that I'm much happier living an active, fit life. So please, as outsiders, tell me why are they so against everything I do!! I'd love them to be supportive & proud but I think they'd prefer me to sit on the sofa watching tv all day :(

    Good for you for taking steps to make positive changes in your life, I would love to climb Kilimanjaro (it's actually on my bucket list)

    It sounds like your activities are in no way impacting them, it may sound harsh but it may be time to tell them to STFU and mind their own business and, worst case scenario, break off contact from a toxic relationship.

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    I am wondering if they compliment you on any of your dreams and accomplishments? Some people are simply failures at being parents.

    I also don't believe you are hurting your child in any way by having dreams and ambitions.

    How about opening a Go Fund Me page for your Kilamanjero trip and collect fans from work and your neighbourhood to cheer you on?

    https://books.google.ca/books/about/Toxic_Parents.html?id=rF-KognLBOgC&source=kp_cover&redir_esc=y&hl=en

    My daughter expressed fear over some of my fitness choices over the past few years. I shrugged and did it anyways. As a concession I took a class when I took up running. She came around. This year she came on some runs with me.

    But I suspect with your parents the opposition is more deep seated than that. Frankly I don't understand people who would trash on their children's dreams, no matter how different they may be.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
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    Same thing I have told my own parents: "I am a grown adult and I live as I see fit. Your disrespectful comments are not appreciated and only make me want to spend less time around you."

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