What would you do?

KBrenOH
KBrenOH Posts: 704 Member
edited September 29 in Chit-Chat
hello all -

I need some advice. I'm traveling up to Boston, MA to see an old friend this weekend. She's dating a guy that I have np desire to meet or even spend time with due to how he's treated her in the past. My problem is she has made plans for us to hang out with him on Saturday night and though I've explained to her my feelings on her relationship with this guy I was basically told who she dates is her choice. I don't dispute that it's her choice on who she can date but it's MY choice to spend a weekend away from my family to see HER, not her and loser boyfriend.
I'm already on the first leg of my trip so I'm not able to just cancel (plus I'm really looking forward to seeing her) but I also don't want to spend my weekend arguing with her.

What to do?

Replies

  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    Stop being an emotional terrorist to your supposed 'friend' and just enjoy the dinner with her and her boyfriend.
  • dcornwe
    dcornwe Posts: 73
    suck it up and be a good friend. you may not approve but you love her so unfortunately sometime we have to be the bigger person
  • Brownski860
    Brownski860 Posts: 361 Member
    if its just A lunch or dinner with him, go for it.. youve got the rest of the weekend to have your friend to yourself! The best way to keep your friend is to acknowledge who she chooses. Doesnt mean you ahve to be friends with him. Just sit there and smile.
  • daniface
    daniface Posts: 338 Member
    put up with him for her, shes your friend. I've had to do this a couple times with a friend who was dating a loser, they eventaully broke up. Try to be tolerant and enjoy your friend.
  • odditblue
    odditblue Posts: 34 Member
    fix him a nice cup of turbo lax tea... LOL
  • kgagnon7779
    kgagnon7779 Posts: 216
    Stop being an emotional terrorist to your supposed 'friend' and just enjoy the dinner with her and her boyfriend.

    Though I agree with this, I think it didn't have to be so rude.

    Sometimes you just have to suck it up for your friend. I have a friend like this - She's been my best friend for over 10 years but I really dislike her husband - but, he comes along with the package. If she means enough to you, you'll be able to hang. What I wouldn't do is tell her how much you don't like the guy because all this will do is strain your relationship with her.

    Good Luck and keep your head up and just try to enjoy your friend and remember all the reasons she is your friend, despite the lame boyfriend.
  • AHealthierRhonda
    AHealthierRhonda Posts: 881 Member
    I think you can handle a meal with him there. She likes him and puts up with him, you only need to be polite for a short time. Also, Sometimes people wil tell you only the bad stuff and not the good stuff, so perhaps he isn't all that bad. I say enjoy yourself and relax. Time with him and your friend is better than no time at all with your friend!! Then you can make your own judgement on him from what you see. Boston is an awesome city! ENJOY!
  • sharonfincher1
    sharonfincher1 Posts: 311 Member
    Enjoy ur time with her as much as u can.... to him be respectful....it's not about him.... keep it about the whole reason u wanted to go in the first place. Your friendship with her
  • dipsl19
    dipsl19 Posts: 317 Member
    i agree with everyone, you can definitely suck it up for one night. just think of it as a workout you dont feel like doing but once its over you'll feel glad you did it , for your friend. otherwise im sure she'd be pissed off at you the whole weekend and there'd be tension. just put your feelings aside and get it done, enjoy the rest of the time you have with her.
    luckily, she'll probably wise up eventually. if he isnt abusive, its really not up to you who she dates (unfortunately! lol)
  • brendalyne
    brendalyne Posts: 497
    The only attitude you have control over is yours. So.....You need to make up your mind that you are not going to bring up the subject or dwell on it or argume about it. She knows how you feel already - and you know how she feels. She's your friend so enjoy her company and accept the fact that she has a boyfriend that you don't like! Do NOT make her choose between you and him. Maybe think of him as an ugly wart on a beautiful friend......accept the wart as part of your friend!
  • maryd4love
    maryd4love Posts: 164 Member
    I agree with everyone else....she is your fiend.....you love her but you don't have to like or love everyone that is in her life. She may not like everyone that is in your life. Also try to remember all you have heard from their relationship is her side. So....try not to judge him and give him a chance.
  • ashleynicoleb
    ashleynicoleb Posts: 376 Member
    I've been going through a VERY similiar situation with my best friend. I don't think it was necessary for the poster above to call you an "emotional terrorist"- I understand exactly how you feel. You cannot help the way you feel towards someone if they have proven to hurt you in the past. My best friend's boyfriend was a complete *kitten* to me for months and I was an emotional wreck about the whole thing.

    From what I've learned, you'll just have to try and enjoy the time with your friend even if her boyfriend goes along. I tend to be a person who worries about things that are far beyond my control, and it gets you NOWHERE. Just let her make her own choices and hopefully she will live and learn...Until then, focus on you and enjoy your weekend =)
  • LaurieEReid
    LaurieEReid Posts: 273
    I agree that you don't want to badmouth this guy and need to be there for your friend but I don't see any reason why you should hang out with him. I would say that I appreciate how much of her time she's giving to me over the weekend and that I understand that she also wants to spend some time with her boyfriend. In fact, I'll leave them alone since I really want to see a Red Sox game, or get in some shopping, or walk the Harvard campus, or visit a museum, or see a movie. And then I would do it.
  • dmoses
    dmoses Posts: 786 Member
    Please just be a friend to her, try to tolerate her significant other. I lost 2 friends (or what I thought were my friends) who didn't care for my BF. That was over 10 years ago, and it still hurts.
  • michelletyler38
    michelletyler38 Posts: 469 Member
    Stop being an emotional terrorist to your supposed 'friend' and just enjoy the dinner with her and her boyfriend.

    What an ignorant thing to say. I have an entirely different opinion. You haven't really told us why you don't like him or wanna be around him so it's hard for me to give you an accurate opinion or advice. I don't know how bad the situation is. But this was me about 3-4 years ago. My best friend started dating a guy that was a total *kitten*. He'd call her fat & a slut & try to do stuff with her in front of me & multiple people to make her feel uncomfortable. He'd make her cry on a regular basis. He'd hit on other girls & try to feel them up without their permission & right in front of her. He'd send me inappropriate photos of himself from her phone. I tried my best to just put up with it, but I voiced my opinion to her about him regularly as did other friends. It got to the point where I had to let her know I no longer could spend time with him at all. She didn't seem to grasp the reality of everything. One night while I was staying over at her house she invited him over to stay the night without me knowing. I woke up to him in the middle of the night raping me. I pressed charges & she waited for him to get out of jail then married him. Needless to say we're no longer friends & that's a friendship I wish I would have ended before it got out of hand as much as it kills me to not have my best friend anymore. Trust your instincts.
  • gemco
    gemco Posts: 129
    that's life, unfortunately. friends go out with losers sometimes, and you have to stomach them til they go away. obviously it depends on what he's actually done to her, but bear in mind that you've heard one side, and never met him. people do exaggerate at times too. he'll be well aware you dont like him, she's well aware you dont like him, so you just have to be polite and hope he can take a hint and leave you lots of time to catch up. with any luck she'll break up with him if he's that bad and you wont have to meet him again.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Do your best to enjoy yourself. That's all you can do. Unsolicited advice will not be well received.
  • morganhccstudent724
    morganhccstudent724 Posts: 1,261 Member
    Sometimes telling people you love the way you feel...well....it doesn't matter. You get to express the way you feel and they are going to do what they want anyway. And it usually puts a strain on YOUR relationship. Especially when it comes to boyfriends. That she is spending everyday with....and your just visting for the weekend. Tread lightly my friend...Be on your best behavior and stay classy =) Good luck!
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    There are a couple of things I would never, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, do.

    Give my opinion on someone else's relationship.

    Ask a woman if she is pregnant.

    Answer the question "Do I look fat in this?"
  • KBrenOH
    KBrenOH Posts: 704 Member
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll try to tolerate him as much as I can for her sake and thank my lucky stars I won't have to deal with him for years to come if then.

    For those that questioned why I don't like him - I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on the phone (which I was happy to do) with my friend because this guy had cheated on her, yet again or because the police were called due to the loud arguement happening at her apartment. And then there's the the fact that he's hit her on one occasion that I know of.
  • michelletyler38
    michelletyler38 Posts: 469 Member
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll try to tolerate him as much as I can for her sake and thank my lucky stars I won't have to deal with him for years to come if then.

    For those that questioned why I don't like him - I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on the phone (which I was happy to do) with my friend because this guy had cheated on her, yet again or because the police were called due to the loud arguement happening at her apartment. And then there's the the fact that he's hit her on one occasion that I know of.

    Yup... I'd REFUSE lunch if he was there. If that makes me a ***** so be it. That's something I wouldn't want to mess with though.
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