Why Can't I Change?
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BreakingFree16
Posts: 9 Member
Today is day 5 of my 1,000,000th attempt at weight loss. My goal has been to simply do better each day than the day before. It's been working pretty well for me. There's enough pressure to improve but not so much that I fail. Anyhow, I've been doing pretty good. Until today.
After lunch I decided to have a cookie. After my cookie I felt very full, and there were two cookies left. So I decided to eat them. Only. I put peanut butter on them and made a giant cookie sandwich.
By this time I felt very uncomfortable. Then, I remembered I had a king size kit kat to eat. So, I ate that too. After that my stomach was in agony and I just wanted to puke. To calm my stomach down I ate a freezer pop.
At this point I felt so sick. Thankfully I was able to nap some of it off. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a first class idiot and sweating like a banshee. I hated every bite after the first cookie, and I kept going. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.
Now I'm stuck dealing with the aftermath, and it's my own just punishment for my actions. This definitely wasn't my first time doing this, and sadly this was far from my worst offense. I once binged so bad that I ended up throwing up for 12 hours straight (my body's choice, not mine).
I want to stop, I NEED to stop. I have too much at risk, yet it doesn't seem to motivate me to change. What's wrong with me?!?!? I need this to stop. I need to be better. I want to be better. Why isn't that enough?
After lunch I decided to have a cookie. After my cookie I felt very full, and there were two cookies left. So I decided to eat them. Only. I put peanut butter on them and made a giant cookie sandwich.
By this time I felt very uncomfortable. Then, I remembered I had a king size kit kat to eat. So, I ate that too. After that my stomach was in agony and I just wanted to puke. To calm my stomach down I ate a freezer pop.
At this point I felt so sick. Thankfully I was able to nap some of it off. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a first class idiot and sweating like a banshee. I hated every bite after the first cookie, and I kept going. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.
Now I'm stuck dealing with the aftermath, and it's my own just punishment for my actions. This definitely wasn't my first time doing this, and sadly this was far from my worst offense. I once binged so bad that I ended up throwing up for 12 hours straight (my body's choice, not mine).
I want to stop, I NEED to stop. I have too much at risk, yet it doesn't seem to motivate me to change. What's wrong with me?!?!? I need this to stop. I need to be better. I want to be better. Why isn't that enough?
1
Replies
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I'm sure most of us have felt that way before. I know I have
What finally changed was me. I really wanted it. Not just the half hearted" yeah I want to get fit" but instead it was " nothing can stop me "
Once you get that burning desire, you'll do it.
I wanted it for years and years but didn't want it badly enough to work for it. One day that changed. I was willing to work for it and nothing could stop me.
I achieved my weight loss goals and have maintained for three years now. Every day I wake up knowing that I want this and will fight for it.
Until you feel like your ready to work for it, you'll keep on failing. If you want this, you gotta work for it.8 -
Have you thought about journaling? It sounds weird but reflecting on your decision and thinking of how you could do things differently might help. It's something I use a lot when I'm stuck in a rut but it takes some dedication. Just wrote down logical questions like: What did I eat? How did I feel? What could I do differently next time? What good choices did I make today? Try to keep it positive or constructive to avoid getting stuck in a negative head space:9
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Congratulations on not giving up and trying again and again. I once read a statistic about people trying to quit smoking..the more times they try to quit the more likely they were to have success. Hopefully each time you learn something new. I agree that journaling/researching yourself can be helpful in identifying patterns and then help you keep track of what works and what doesn't.
I have found in my research that I do better when I reduce my sugar intake. I tend to avoid having sugary treats easily accessible in my home. I have learned so much and each time I make a mistake I work to learn from it. Sometimes I learn something awesome and other times it is just that I need keep working. Keep up the good work and research again tomorrow.4 -
Thank you all for your insight. It really helped.
You're right. I need to journal and process my thoughts as to why. I also need to get serious about this. Otherwise, I'm just going to keep screwing up. A serious person doesn't intentionally eat to the point of being sick. I'm going to do this.5 -
Learn redirection. When you think you want to eat, do something else. Start with having a glass of water. Then get up & go for a walk or rearrange your closet. Another tip is to brush your teeth. Very little tastes good post toothpaste.
Get the cookies & the kit kats out of your house. If they are not there, you will not feel tempted to eat them. Change your mindset. Just because you only have 2 cookies left, doesn't mean you have to eat them.
Listen to your body. When you feel full, stop eating. Making yourself sick is troubling. Perhaps you need to consult a professional about that. It's one thing to eat junk when you are hungry & making a bad choice because it's convenient & easy but stuffing your face after you already know you are full is a different challenge which probably has deeper emotional roots.3 -
AnabolicMind2011 wrote: »I'm sure most of us have felt that way before. I know I have
What finally changed was me. I really wanted it. Not just the half hearted" yeah I want to get fit" but instead it was " nothing can stop me "
Once you get that burning desire, you'll do it.
I wanted it for years and years but didn't want it badly enough to work for it. One day that changed. I was willing to work for it and nothing could stop me.
I achieved my weight loss goals and have maintained for three years now. Every day I wake up knowing that I want this and will fight for it.
Until you feel like your ready to work for it, you'll keep on failing. If you want this, you gotta work for it.
I agree 100% with you. I have struggled for years and I have quit mfp more than once. But this past year something awakened in me and I was like I am going to to this, it was just time. I think is it similar to people who quit smoking, it isn't going to happe until you are truly ready for it.
Don't get me wrong I still have off days. I sti bing, last night i ate a bar and a bag of chip amd a freezie after eating my supper and I felt aweful and still do this morning. It just means I will work harder today.
Also feel free to add me as a friend, I keep my diary open so you will see I am not perfect at this, just like everyone else.2 -
Let's be totally honest here. You did not hate that cookie sandwich or everything else you ate. You loved them. You enjoyed their taste. It made you temporarily feel good. You are addicted to that feeling because I suspect food means much more to you (and to so many others) than just fuel for your body. You hated the fact that you binged and maybe felt guilty afterwards.
It's time you changed your relationship with food. It's a slow process, but I believe that you can do it, because you seem to want to. You had a bad day. It's just one day. Every day that you wake up is a clean slate to begin again. Make a plan to eat healthier and stick to your plan.
You've been given some very good advice already. I'd like to suggest you find a group here on MFP where you can find the support and encouragement you need. You don't have to do this alone.
Good luck!
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My trick is that I plan my days ahead of time. The plan may include cookies, cake, etc. but only in the amounts I planned. I don't do well when eating "unscripted" so apart from special occasions like holidays I have a plan and keep to it.4
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Think about What can you learn from the situation thst you can do differently next time. I'd start by getting rid if the cookies & candy bars. If it's not there I won't eat it.
Have you ever sought treatment/therapy for binge eating? That could be something to consider if you feel you can't get a handle on it by yourself.
Ultimately, you just have to want it bad enough as said above. I don't know how to tell you to do that. It's a very individual thing.3 -
Honestly, the first step is realizing you have a problem. You've accomplished that. Bravo! The second is to stop buying the foods that you know are going to trigger these types of sessions. If you still have them in the house and there's no one else to eat them then throw them out. I've thankfully never really been prone to bingeing but I am guilty of sitting down with a big package of something and eating it mindlessly for the next hour or two while I watch TV or read. I realized awhile ago that I needed to limit these types of foods in the house and to only take a single serving with me to the other room.
Next, forgive yourself. Negative self talk isn't helpful or productive so absolve yourself of guilt and put your energy instead into trying to figure out what's causing the behavior and how to stop it from happening again. Journaling or blogging is a great idea but you can also just find someone to talk to.1 -
BreakingFree16 wrote: »Today is day 5 of my 1,000,000th attempt at weight loss. My goal has been to simply do better each day than the day before. It's been working pretty well for me. There's enough pressure to improve but not so much that I fail. Anyhow, I've been doing pretty good. Until today.
After lunch I decided to have a cookie. After my cookie I felt very full, and there were two cookies left. So I decided to eat them. Only. I put peanut butter on them and made a giant cookie sandwich.
By this time I felt very uncomfortable. Then, I remembered I had a king size kit kat to eat. So, I ate that too. After that my stomach was in agony and I just wanted to puke. To calm my stomach down I ate a freezer pop.
At this point I felt so sick. Thankfully I was able to nap some of it off. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a first class idiot and sweating like a banshee. I hated every bite after the first cookie, and I kept going. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.
Now I'm stuck dealing with the aftermath, and it's my own just punishment for my actions. This definitely wasn't my first time doing this, and sadly this was far from my worst offense. I once binged so bad that I ended up throwing up for 12 hours straight (my body's choice, not mine).
I want to stop, I NEED to stop. I have too much at risk, yet it doesn't seem to motivate me to change. What's wrong with me?!?!? I need this to stop. I need to be better. I want to be better. Why isn't that enough?
You are on day 5. It takes time to change. Log it, look at it and move on.
Realistically did you eat enough calories to wipe out your weekly deficit? Did you eat more than 3,500 calories above your maintenance level? You didn't feel good but likely didn't go over that. You said you couldn't stop but that isn't true. You were able to and did stop eating. You didn't eat so much you puked for 12 hours this time. Isn't that progress considering your past behavior?
Obviously you have a history of binge eating and the eating doesn't have to do with hunger. You have an extra mental challenge. You need to deal with that aspect not just another diet. Have you ever sought professional help? Maybe dial back to a less intense weight loss plan and focus more on mental health improvement first.
4 -
What happened today is in the past and cannot be changed. The important thing about people who successfully lose weight isn't that they're perfect - no one is - it's that they put these things behind them and keep going.
Start immediately. Do what you know is right from this point forward. Hold on for dear life. Each successful day you put behind you makes it less likely you'll derail again. But don't wait. Start now. Not on Monday. Not next week. Not next month. Right now. Stop beating yourself up and start again immediately.
One more thing, are you eating enough that you don't feel deprived?1 -
AnabolicMind2011 wrote: »I'm sure most of us have felt that way before. I know I have
What finally changed was me. I really wanted it. Not just the half hearted" yeah I want to get fit" but instead it was " nothing can stop me "
Once you get that burning desire, you'll do it.
I wanted it for years and years but didn't want it badly enough to work for it. One day that changed. I was willing to work for it and nothing could stop me.
I achieved my weight loss goals and have maintained for three years now. Every day I wake up knowing that I want this and will fight for it.
Until you feel like your ready to work for it, you'll keep on failing. If you want this, you gotta work for it.
That's how I feel now. It's hard to describe the difference between wanting it and the fire that started! I'm still beginning my journey but this jumped at me the minute I saw it.2 -
change takes time and not every day is going to be perfection and nobody does a 180* overnight...you have to understand that...it's not like flipping on and off a light switch...it takes work and vigilance and time and you're going to have good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks...
When my kid was learning to walk, he fell down quite a bit...and every time he did I'd ask him, "what do we do when we fall down"...and he'd say, "get back up"...and he would...and now he walks just fine and even runs and rides a bike.1 -
This. So much this.BreakingFree16 wrote: »Today is day 5 of my 1,000,000th attempt at weight loss. My goal has been to simply do better each day than the day before. It's been working pretty well for me. There's enough pressure to improve but not so much that I fail. Anyhow, I've been doing pretty good. Until today.
After lunch I decided to have a cookie. After my cookie I felt very full, and there were two cookies left. So I decided to eat them. Only. I put peanut butter on them and made a giant cookie sandwich.
By this time I felt very uncomfortable. Then, I remembered I had a king size kit kat to eat. So, I ate that too. After that my stomach was in agony and I just wanted to puke. To calm my stomach down I ate a freezer pop.
At this point I felt so sick. Thankfully I was able to nap some of it off. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a first class idiot and sweating like a banshee. I hated every bite after the first cookie, and I kept going. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.
Now I'm stuck dealing with the aftermath, and it's my own just punishment for my actions. This definitely wasn't my first time doing this, and sadly this was far from my worst offense. I once binged so bad that I ended up throwing up for 12 hours straight (my body's choice, not mine).
I want to stop, I NEED to stop. I have too much at risk, yet it doesn't seem to motivate me to change. What's wrong with me?!?!? I need this to stop. I need to be better. I want to be better. Why isn't that enough?
You are on day 5. It takes time to change. Log it, look at it and move on.
Realistically did you eat enough calories to wipe out your weekly deficit? Did you eat more than 3,500 calories above your maintenance level? You didn't feel good but likely didn't go over that. You said you couldn't stop but that isn't true. You were able to and did stop eating. You didn't eat so much you puked for 12 hours this time. Isn't that progress considering your past behavior?
Obviously you have a history of binge eating and the eating doesn't have to do with hunger. You have an extra mental challenge. You need to deal with that aspect not just another diet. Have you ever sought professional help? Maybe dial back to a less intense weight loss plan and focus more on mental health improvement first.
2 -
The word punishment rings a bell for me.
I have done this, and it wasn't because I enjoyed eating everything that wasn't nailed down. For me, it had to do with all-or-nothing thinking. It went like this: "Well, hell. I already screwed up by eating the cookie. Today's diet is shot! So I may as well eat ALL of the cookies, so that I can start fresh tomorrow." And I would proceed to eat them, and often any other "bad" foods lurking around, even if I began to feel physically ill.
A big piece of my problem was punishing myself for "giving in to temptation" in the first place, or some other misguided thinking about my failure to eat perfectly.
I'm not saying this is happening to you, but if it is, then learning to let go of some good food/bad food categorizations made a lot of difference for me. I needed to let go of perfection and learn to achieve moderation. I had (and still have) a certified dietician to help me look at food in a less polarized way, while trying to make healthier choices.
Do I eat cookies? Sometimes, but not always in the plural. One can be enough for me now.
Whatever is going on with you, I agree that journaling can really help.
Please be kind to yourself. Go back to your initial approach of just doing a little better than the day before. You can do this.
3 -
I just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not on your own. I have also done the whole "I don't even want it, why am I eating it" thing and it is not fun. There's lots of good advice here that I also want to take on board, and as someone said above, every attempt takes you that bit closer to making it. Also, don't beat yourself up, confronting these parts of ourselves is never easy, and takes courage!1
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AnabolicMind2011 wrote: »I'm sure most of us have felt that way before. I know I have
What finally changed was me. I really wanted it. Not just the half hearted" yeah I want to get fit" but instead it was " nothing can stop me "
Once you get that burning desire, you'll do it.
I wanted it for years and years but didn't want it badly enough to work for it. One day that changed. I was willing to work for it and nothing could stop me.
I achieved my weight loss goals and have maintained for three years now. Every day I wake up knowing that I want this and will fight for it.
Until you feel like your ready to work for it, you'll keep on failing. If you want this, you gotta work for it.
This. You need to be at rock bottom. To fully wholly deep down in the soul want it. Like anything, quitting smoking etc. I quit 5 times before I wholly heart and soul wanted to quit. Never had one since. And that was 5 years ago.1 -
Read into flexible dieting. It helped me become long term. I don't deprive myself of anything. Nothing is off limits. I used to binge or treat myself for eating bloody salad all week. Then feel guilty. Then over do gym to punish myself. Then I read up on this concept. Best thing for me. Also I took treats out of house whilst changing habits. Leave say one thing in house. Until you can get to the point you only need one or two. Not whole packet1
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This morning I logged on fully intending to delete my account. I have been on a downward spiral and ready to give up. Then I how many comments I had on my thread. After reading them I realized I need to be honest with myself and commit.
I don't have time to reply to each response, but I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to care. I have no support outside of MFP. Even my own husband doesn't care anymore. I realize now though that I have to deal with these things for me, not him.
So here's the truth:
Yes, the food did taste good...at first. When you're forcing yourself to eat, it doesn't really taste that good...no matter what it is.
Yes, there are greater mental issues that need addressed here before I can be successful. Eating means not dealing with things. It's time to face the problems and deal with the consequences.
Yes, I can do this. I came close once and gave up. I wanted to be like everyone else but I didn't complete the first part before moving on to the second.
So now I'm going to the kitchen to throw out the junk food. I have a plan for when I want to eat mindlessly and I'm going to face my demons and win.
Here I go...7
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