Parenting and the "clean your plate"/dessert mentality

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Swimgoddess
Swimgoddess Posts: 711 Member
in Food and Nutrition
How do you stop it and just TRUST your kids to eat until they're full?

How do you not cringe when you scrape their leftovers into the trash?

How do you know they're not eating a food because they are full or just not wanting to expand their palate?

Isn't it hypocritical to ask kids to "fill up" on dinner in order to get dessert (overfilling or they "save room for dessert")?

Just do away with dessert altogether? Or change the association from dinner to activity?

It's clear to me that I don't have to clean my plate and I do have "dessert" each evening (usually coffee ice-cream or dark chocolate). Heck, even my 16mo old has always done infant-led eating (breastfed/no bottles & baby-led weaning), so I trust HER to stop when she's full and her growth curve is happily chugging along at the 1st-3rd weight percentile. So why is it that when it comes to my older kids, I find my husband & I doing the mindless knee-jerk reaction of "finish your dinner or no dessert!"-thing our parents did? I can't believe I'm doing it, it's so automatic like watching myself in a movie. Looking for some good ideas on how to stop and go in a more positive direction...
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Replies

  • jamie1888
    jamie1888 Posts: 1,704 Member
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    bump
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
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    Maybe try giving smaller portions and then telling them they can ask for more after finishing what they already had. I would also say to make them drink some water or wait a couple minutes to see if they still want seconds.

    One thing that bugs me is seeing parents giving kids a very similar portion size as their own and then getting mad for the children not finishing it.
  • ruffledviolet
    ruffledviolet Posts: 260
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    I'm a daughter, not a parent. And I believe the "finish your plate" thing really messed up my eating. I think desert should be an award for good behavior, not for clearing a plate.
  • freerange
    freerange Posts: 1,722 Member
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    Put the food on the table and let them take what they want. Instead of filling thier plate for them. The only thig I would do is make them try a small bit of the stuff they don't like, only a bite if that's all they want. as for the dessert, I would stop that at every meal, only have it on special occasions. You don't want them thinking eating = sweets. IMO
  • Andee08
    Andee08 Posts: 147 Member
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    I do not have any kids, but my parents never forced the clean your plate routine on us. It was more eat a decent amount of vegetables and then you can have dessert.
  • Delicate
    Delicate Posts: 625 Member
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    Probably best to get rid of dessert altogether its meant to be a treat not a regular occurance, they may start associating clearing plate as being good, then dessert with reward.

    Which starts the food assocation with emotion thing.

    Smaller portions
    get rid of dessert (use a low sugar jelly/jello instead of chocolate?)
    frozen flavoured waters (ice lollies)

    People can naturally tell when they are full but with being told 'finish your plate' starts people being unable to tell, the whole guilt thing of leaving food, then you will naturally give smaller portions

    in the past few years its taken me a bit to get out of the finishing your plate brigaide.
  • rure13
    rure13 Posts: 86
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    In my child development class this topic would come up a lot and one of things my teacher said was to stop using the word dessert. She said that kids should be offered fruit or something else equally healthy and incorperate it with their meal. The main thing she said was to make sure that they aren't made to clean their plate, but to let them only eat as much as they want. Kids will tell you when they are hungry and you can always offer the food they didn't finish to them again later on once they get hungry.
  • baisleac
    baisleac Posts: 2,019 Member
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    With the dinner/dessert part, we'll do what my mom did.

    If there is a new food on the table you are required to eat at least one bite.
    Once you're old enough to serve yourself, you must finish what you took if you want a snack between meals... dessert was a snack, not a meal. (I still do this one to myself... if I have to fill in calories at the end of the day but I didn't finish my dinner, I don't get my low cal ice cream; I have to choose something else.)
  • rebysue
    rebysue Posts: 136
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    I used to do the same thing. The thing that worked for us to stop doing dessert. It was mostly empty, unnecessary calories anyway. We also give our kids three things every night (usually main dish, veggie, and grain) but in VERY small portions (like the size of a golf ball). We do make them finish two of the three things before they can be done but they are such small amounts that I don't feel like we're force feeding them. We always let them get more if they are still hungry (but not until they finish two different things off their plate so they get a good variety).
  • Swimgoddess
    Swimgoddess Posts: 711 Member
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    Wow, just found this site that calculates your child's caloric needs based on sex, age, height, weight, activity level and obesity risk and found out my 6 year old needs 100 calories more a day than my 10 year old, who normally eats more than I do by probably 400-600 calories/day when my 10 year old should be taking in about 50 calories less than what I have MFP set for!

    http://www.bcm.edu/cnrc/bodycomp/energy/energyneeds_calculator.htm#

    That was an eye-opener!
    Edited to add that I just got through the other responses and thanks! Keep them coming!
  • DanaKinzer
    DanaKinzer Posts: 72
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    We don't have dessert though we do sometimes have treats. And we do have the rule that they have to eat at least half of everything on their plates. Otherwise, they wouldn't eat the things they don't like. If we didn't have that rule, my boy still wouldn't eat ANY veggies to this day at all and my husband just wouldn't eat! Now if they don't finish their plates, they don't get snacks or treats later. That's just one of those "you wouldn't be hungry now if you ate your meal" type things.
  • LushLoni
    LushLoni Posts: 161 Member
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    Kind of interesting... we do treat food as rewards don't we: dessert for finishing your dinner; icecream/ macdonalds if they behave when you take them shopping... kind of like dog training.

    guess someone made a great point above, small portion and they can have extra if they would like... totally agree with finding it difficult when parents feed children the same size portions as them, it's wrong.
  • bgelliott
    bgelliott Posts: 610 Member
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    First of all, I personally never offer desert. In my opinion it creates bad habits that I don't want to battle in the future. I let my kids decided for the most part when they are full (within reason of course) because I have created a ruitine with them and they know that there will be no snacking later on so if they are hungry, finish dinner or you're out of luck. I also am fairly conscientious of their calorie intake as well. Kids are completely different than adults...they need more calories because they burn it off so fast, but I also limit how much they eat as well as making sure they don't eat their food too fast and then result in wanting seconds and then over-eating. I also make sure I dish out small portions so if they are still hungry they can have seconds but if they fill up quick, the food is not going to waste. My kids are 8 and 9 and seem to have caught on to the new habits in the house.
    How do you stop it and just TRUST your kids to eat until they're full?

    How do you not cringe when you scrape their leftovers into the trash?

    How do you know they're not eating a food because they are full or just not wanting to expand their palate?

    Isn't it hypocritical to ask kids to "fill up" on dinner in order to get dessert (overfilling or they "save room for dessert")?

    Just do away with dessert altogether? Or change the association from dinner to activity?

    It's clear to me that I don't have to clean my plate and I do have "dessert" each evening (usually coffee ice-cream or dark chocolate). Heck, even my 16mo old has always done infant-led eating (breastfed/no bottles & baby-led weaning), so I trust HER to stop when she's full and her growth curve is happily chugging along at the 1st-3rd weight percentile. So why is it that when it comes to my older kids, I find my husband & I doing the mindless knee-jerk reaction of "finish your dinner or no dessert!"-thing our parents did? I can't believe I'm doing it, it's so automatic like watching myself in a movie. Looking for some good ideas on how to stop and go in a more positive direction...
  • Hodar
    Hodar Posts: 338 Member
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    My parents had a SURE-FIRE way to treat this.

    Small servings - we were free to back for 2nds, 3rds etc. But, when we were done - we were DONE for the night. No snacks, no late night fridge runs.

    Going to bed hungry won't kill them; but it does teach them a lesson. Eat Dinner, eat until you are sated. The idea of letting them skip dinner, then snack on candy, ice cream, fruit, popcorn, cereal does nothing but teach them to skip the nutrition that has been prepared; wait and you can eat your fill of junk food.

    So, deny them the junk food. It's just that simple. Eat dinner - watch TV, then go to bed. No snacks.
  • DianaPowerUp
    DianaPowerUp Posts: 518 Member
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    We don't make the kids "clean their plate". Kids inherently know when they are full, and will stop. Unlike adults, they don't just keep eating b/c it tastes good. I want to encourage that behavior - eat til you're full, then stop.

    We don't offer desserts, generally, so that is not an enticement. They see me eat fruit after meals, and they're welcome to that, if they want it. During the day, at snack time, they may get a few cookies, or ice cream, but that is on occassion, and more of a "treat". Usually snacks are things like fruit, yogurt, string cheese, etc.

    I know they don't always like what I make (b/c God forbid, there are vegetables on the plate!), but we do encourage them to try everything. And sometimes they don't eat, b/c they didn't "like" something. So in those cases, before bed, I'll let them have a glass of milk, just so they do get some calories/protein etc in their bellies.

    I'm hoping that in feeding them this way, it will encourage healthy habits that they'll have for a lifetime!
  • Hollycat
    Hollycat Posts: 372
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    Here's an idea:

    Give them a small amount of dessert first. Like one or two bites. [Eating dessert first is NOT a crime]. Why dessert first? Because that way, you're not using it as a reward at all. It's just food. One bite of everything first, then eat what you want.

    They can have the rest after they've TRIED everything else. I never made my kids clean their plates, but they had to at least try everything. It can take as many as 40 'tries' before they develop a taste for some foods. You just have to persevere.

    Creating battlegrounds over food leads to overweight kids, overweight teens and overweight adults. Please Please Please Don't make food the line you draw in the sand. Denying your kids anything and making them aware of it will only make them want it more and kids are inventive. If they're inclined, they'll find a way. I know a mother who NEVER EVER gave her daughter candy or treats. What did she get in return? An overweight teenager with 'honesty' issues. Yeah, right.

    Set good examples and provide healthy foods, but don't make this a hill you're willing to die on. Provide raw veggies and dip every night and make fruit your dessert. An apple cut up and microwaved with a little cinnamon. Cottage cheese and pineapple. Bananas dipped in peanut butter. It doesn't have to be cheesecake or ice cream every night. Split a bag of M&M's between 4 of you at the movies. That's all anyone needs and teach them that's a treat for special occasions. But don't deny them completely. It will backfire.

    My friend had a little boy who ate jam sandwiches for 4 years. Nothing but jam sandwiches. She kept making sure other things were available until he came around. He's survived to be a star soccer player. My daughter would only eat 4 foods for about the same time period. She's grown into an active, size 2 adult that eats just about anything and doesn't have any hangups about food. She is self-regulating on about a 3 or 4 day natural cycle. She eats really well one day, then tapers off for a few. My son is another story. He inhales food. LIke the proverbial Hoover. If it's in front of him, he'll eat it. He'll seek it out if it's not. So...I try to make sure what's in front of him and what' 'hidden' around the house is reasonably healthy. Veggie platters and plenty of fruit laying around. He's 14 and has taken to exercising on his own this year. Thank God for girls. I thought it would never happen.

    Hollycat
    :flowerforyou:
  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 499 Member
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    I don't have much wisdom to add. I still struggle with this--my own way of viewing treats as the reward you get for enduring any unpleasant experience (from onions to finals) has certainly not served me well in my own battle with weight. But I can't imagine my kids eating vegetables cheerfully without dangling the "carrot" of dessert. I know my little one would happily walk away from most of the healthy dinners I serve without eating a thing (no, I am not a bad cook--he is just not that interested in food) if we didn't make him eat some. I also do very small servings and make them have a couple of bites of everything, and then they can decide whether to finish. If they don't finish, they don't have a treat/dessert after, but I never put pressure on them to finish.

    So, my fellow parents, if you are in a bad routine of a small treat after most meals (like it's one or two small pieces of candy usually), how do you phase that out without seeming like a witch? And should you, whether they need to worry about weight or not? My kids are both lean and mean (BMIs of 16.1 and 14.0, respectively) and very active--but I was also a skinny, active kid but made some bad eating habits that plague me even now. (BTW, thanks for the website of recommended caloric intakes for kids! Interesting! My 12 yr old should be eating more than twice the calories I do (over 2650) and my 9-y-o more than a thousand a day more. Deep sigh.)
  • foodforfuel
    foodforfuel Posts: 569 Member
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    My parents had a SURE-FIRE way to treat this.

    Small servings - we were free to back for 2nds, 3rds etc. But, when we were done - we were DONE for the night. No snacks, no late night fridge runs.

    Going to bed hungry won't kill them; but it does teach them a lesson. Eat Dinner, eat until you are sated. The idea of letting them skip dinner, then snack on candy, ice cream, fruit, popcorn, cereal does nothing but teach them to skip the nutrition that has been prepared; wait and you can eat your fill of junk food.

    So, deny them the junk food. It's just that simple. Eat dinner - watch TV, then go to bed. No snacks.

    ^^This. That's how it was at our house growing up. And yes, we knew we had to finish whatever we put on our plates. But knowing we could have seconds if we wanted it, kept us from wasting food. I think learning not to waste food is just as important a lesson in self control.
  • Newkell
    Newkell Posts: 379 Member
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    I grew up with the clean your plate because people are starving in China mentality. I think it has something to do with the weight problem I have struggled with most of my life. I never made my son clean his plate. I felt like if he was hungry he would eat if not he wouldn't. I noticed that he had a way of self balancing. One day he might eat more and the next day he would naturally not. We had dessert on occasion but never on the stipulation that you had to clean your plate. Guess who doesn't have a weight problem? My son. He looks at food as fuel and not in an emotional way like I do. I know my parents meant well but I don't think it helped me any. I also think you have to do what works best for you and your household. Good luck with that
  • PaulaAnn143
    PaulaAnn143 Posts: 23
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    How do you stop it and just TRUST your kids to eat until they're full? Just say okay and if they didnt eat it cover it and put it in the fridge when they ask for food give them thier plate. If they dont want it they are not hungry. At first they think sweet! but then they realize they are eating alone and dont like it. Mine have also tried to say "oh its bed time but I havent had dinner" Oh well your dinner is in the fridge. They are kinda shocked at first but they have learned to eat when we eat as a family because it isnt so lonely.

    How do you not cringe when you scrape their leftovers into the trash? I don't anymore. I used to think wow what a waste! But I also weighed over 310 lbs I have learned In my life there will be more food. I do not have to over eat just to clean my plate. when you are done you are done.

    How do you know they're not eating a food because they are full or just not wanting to expand their palate? They say that if a child sees a food on thier plate 30ish times they will try it on thier own. I have tried this and it works! Its on thier plate weather they want it there or not. "but mom I don't like it!" I say "so just leave it there u dont have to eat it." ignore the behavior if there is any whining if they believe u wont force them they wont complain, after a while they will try it. It works! My 11 year old recently said "mom please dont put that rice on my plate" I said 1 spoon full but you dont have to eat it. He said "ok" He has tried all diiferent kinds of rices here and there. So durning dinner I asked him "why dont you like the rice?" He said because it feels funny in my mouth, it reminds me of little worms. I dont care for the taste either" I said " I wont put rice on your plate any more" I decided he was old enough to decide that and gave me a good reason. So now when we have rice I dont put any on his plate but when it looks new he has tried it on his own and still says he doesnt like it. You control what and when they eat but they should have a say in how much.

    Isn't it hypocritical to ask kids to "fill up" on dinner in order to get dessert (overfilling or they "save room for dessert")?
    Yeah this isnt a good idea. when they are done they are done.

    Just do away with dessert altogether? Or change the association from dinner to activity? I often have my kids help prepare food and more often a dessert. We dont have dessert everyday or even once a week, its random. When they ask I say "nope not tonight" "Why not " "because desserts are a once and awhile treat, if u want something sweet there is friut in the fridge."

    I have 3 kids: boy 11, girl 5, and boy 3. I have used this system with them since day one. There isn't a food they wont try or let me put on their plate. I have given them the freedom of choice, a little power. Children need to feel in control of some things in their lives. Why not food? We also talk about what we are eating, whats on the table is healthier, what would be a better choice for a 2nd helping and letting them have what they pick. At first its a free for all but if you talk about what they are eating, Why we eat, how it feeds your body, even why it tastes so good. They will make better choices for the rest of thier lives, I hope anyway. LOL!

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