Husband wants me to lose weight
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »
Supportive is giving someone what they need, not what you arbitrarily decide they need.2 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »
He made the rookie mistake of agreeing with her . . .3 -
"Lose 50lb and I'll pat you on the head like a good girl and buy you some clothes" is hardly supportive. At best it's downright bloody patronizing.
If he was being truly supportive, he'd have asked how much she felt she needed to lose, what she thinks are reasonable goals for getting there and what sort of support she needs.
Exactly right.
OR
Husband: I'm going bald. I think I might get some hair transplants
Wife (enthusiastically): Great! Get some hair and I'll get you a new car!
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TavistockToad wrote: »And if he'd said 'don't lose any weight, I love you as you are, here have a doughnut' you'd be on here complaining of no support and sabotage!!
Don't you know there is no pleasing women.0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »And if he'd said 'don't lose any weight, I love you as you are, here have a doughnut' you'd be on here complaining of no support and sabotage!!
Don't you know there is no pleasing women.
At the ridk of appearing sexist, it seems that the amorphous subset of people which is men has no concept of either active listening or middle ground.
The less reactive part of my mind appreciates that this appears to be a particular subset of Neanderthal, unthinking adult make humans, though,:as the one I share a family with seems to get that right (80% of the time).-2 -
VeryUnLadylike wrote: »My husband is average to slim build. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. It has lead me down very unhealthy paths of restricting, purging, and self-hate. It's not something I talk about often. I want to be healthier but I want to take care of myself and love myself too. I recently expressed my desire to lose some weight to my husband and he was a little to quick to "support" the idea. He said if I lose 50 pounds he'll take me shopping for some new clothes. My first thought was where did he come up with this number? And my second was that he must have been thinking about this for a while. The thing is I'm the same weight and size as when we got married. I can't help feeling a little hurt and confused. I also worry that if/when I lose weight, if he is more complimentary or affectionate, I will feel resentment. Has anyone else had this issue with their SO?
Given what you have said here, I think you are projecting your own negative thought process onto your husband, which it appears, that you are using as a weapon against him and yourself. You saw negativity in his words of support, because that is what you see and hear inside yourself.
Those who look to be offended all the time, never lack for opportunities to be offended.
In my opinion, the mirror of reflection should be turned inward, instead of towards your husband. If you don't deal with the negative focal points within yourself, that are not really about your weight, you will continue to struggle inside yourself. Your weight is but a byproduct of whatever core issues are residing inside of you. It is up to you to find what those are, address them openly and honestly within yourself, your husband, and possibly a therapist, and then you can move forward in a positive manner.4 -
My husband has had a similar reaction in the past after talking about it to him he said he notices how unhappy I am with extra weight. So maybe it not necessarily what he wants but what he thinks you want so he's supporting.2
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Put a beating on his wallet as soon as you lose the 50!
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »
Supportive is giving someone what they need, not what you arbitrarily decide they need.
And effective communication is creating a thread on MFP, not explicitly telling your supportive spouse what you feel and stating that you ONLY want support in this one exact way and not in the way he/she might appreciate it themselves.
2 -
PennWalker wrote: »"Lose 50lb and I'll pat you on the head like a good girl and buy you some clothes" is hardly supportive. At best it's downright bloody patronizing.
If he was being truly supportive, he'd have asked how much she felt she needed to lose, what she thinks are reasonable goals for getting there and what sort of support she needs.
Exactly right.
OR
Husband: I'm going bald. I think I might get some hair transplants
Wife (enthusiastically): Great! Get some hair and I'll get you a new car!
What would be the problem with this? If I was considering hair transplants and not only is my wife amenable to it, she'll buy me a car, I'd make a consultation appointment THAT DAY. Approval, support, and a reward? SCORE!!!
Best. Wife. Ever.5 -
PennWalker wrote: »"Lose 50lb and I'll pat you on the head like a good girl and buy you some clothes" is hardly supportive. At best it's downright bloody patronizing.
If he was being truly supportive, he'd have asked how much she felt she needed to lose, what she thinks are reasonable goals for getting there and what sort of support she needs.
Exactly right.
OR
Husband: I'm going bald. I think I might get some hair transplants
Wife (enthusiastically): Great! Get some hair and I'll get you a new car!
Although I would personally be fine with both scenarios, I don't think this is the same thing. Weight loss requires effort, and effort needs motivation to kickstart. He probably, in his own way, believed he was helping provide that motivation and being a supportive good husband. Now how he was perceived is not his fault.
Heck, even if he was quick to jump on the opportunity because he would like to see her thinner, so what? My ex was clinically underweight, probably 16 BMI, and I loved him just the way he was. I wouldn't have loved him more or less if he gained weight, but it would have been aesthetically preferable. I also know for a fact he would have preferred me thinner, but I didn't want to lose weight back then and he didn't mind that. Why is it such a taboo to have preferences?4 -
A good rule to life, particularly in relationships, is to assume the best intentions that could practically be true. Don't delude yourself into hoping for something that isn't reasonable or practical, but think about what practically could be reasonable intentions. He could be supportive but awkward, or he could have been waiting for this moment and his love could be conditional. Of those two, why assume the worst? You should give people you love the benefit of the doubt. And since he married you at your current weight, the first potential is the most likely anyway.3
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VeryUnLadylike wrote: »My husband is average to slim build. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. It has lead me down very unhealthy paths of restricting, purging, and self-hate. It's not something I talk about often. I want to be healthier but I want to take care of myself and love myself too. I recently expressed my desire to lose some weight to my husband and he was a little to quick to "support" the idea. He said if I lose 50 pounds he'll take me shopping for some new clothes. My first thought was where did he come up with this number? And my second was that he must have been thinking about this for a while. The thing is I'm the same weight and size as when we got married. I can't help feeling a little hurt and confused. I also worry that if/when I lose weight, if he is more complimentary or affectionate, I will feel resentment. Has anyone else had this issue with their SO?
He probably came up with the 50 lbs number, as it seems pretty close, actually, from your pics. It wouldn't take too long to guess that number, and the idea of buying new clothing after that much weight loss is probably the very first thing you'd need to do (Well, you'd need to do it throughout as well).
If you have been diagnosed with eating disorders in the past, you should seek out a therapist to work with while trying to lose weight.2 -
I hate poundage rewards.
My future daughter in law is losing weight for her wedding and excuse me for saying so, her father's support is counterproductive. He said if she lost so many pounds he would pay for the dress.
So if she fails to meet the target she deserves what; the second rate dress?
She has lost over forty pounds already and wants to run with me. So we do. She is feeling better about herself and she and a friend picked up some new jazzy leggings to go with her new outlook. Six months ago she was slobbing around in men's sweats and using a cane, scheduled for knee surgery.
Her dad thought it would be funny to bring up her jiggly butt over lunch. My son ended up consoling her for forty minutes.
Me, I encourage every positive choice she makes, note how much healthier she looks, and my nicknames for her are "energizer bunny" and "georgeous".
She thanks me every time and at our last visit she says she likes how she can be herself around me.
I strongly believe we deserve to love ourselves every step of the way, not only at the finish line.
In your shoes OP, I'd thank him for his support but forget the reward. I'd be better served if he came out on a walk/run with me.8 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Wow, you really need to work on learning to accept and love yourself. Did it every occur to you that your husbands reaction may based more on the way you act than how you look? You admit to hating your weight and yourself. Perhaps he just wants you to be happy with yourself.
These forums are filled with posts from women complaining because their husbands aren't supportive of their weight loss efforts and here yours is offering an incentive. Why not take him up on the offer and enlist his help? Don't crash diet. Do it the right way and learn how strong and beautiful you really are. Become a healthy active happy couple.
Exactly!0 -
Agree with most of the posters - love yourself, first and foremost. Have been in your shoes and as I look back on it, (38 years of marriage) my husband was damned if he did, and damned if he didn't. I was overly sensitive to all reactions, because I was so incredibly unhappy in my own skin. Look passed your sensitivity and look into the future with a supportive loving husband and a healthier, happier you! You can do this!3
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I hate poundage rewards.
My future daughter in law is losing weight for her wedding and excuse me for saying so, her father's support is counterproductive. He said if she lost so many pounds he would pay for the dress.
So if she fails to meet the target she deserves what; the second rate dress?
She has lost over forty pounds already and wants to run with me. So we do. She is feeling better about herself and she and a friend picked up some new jazzy leggings to go with her new outlook. Six months ago she was slobbing around in men's sweats and using a cane, scheduled for knee surgery.
Her dad thought it would be funny to bring up her jiggly butt over lunch. My son ended up consoling her for forty minutes.
Me, I encourage every positive choice she makes, note how much healthier she looks, and my nicknames for her are "energizer bunny" and "georgeous".
She thanks me every time and at our last visit she says she likes how she can be herself around me.
I strongly believe we deserve to love ourselves every step of the way, not only at the finish line.
In your shoes OP, I'd thank him for his support but forget the reward. I'd be better served if he came out on a walk/run with me.
I totally love this. You're awesome2 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »
Supportive is giving someone what they need, not what you arbitrarily decide they need.
Supporting is giving someone what they need, not necessarily what they want or how they want it.
Also, you are the one who wants to lose weight. Your husband did not come up with the idea nor did he force it on you. He merely put a number to it and if you feel that the number is wrong, have a discussion with him about it.
As for the reward, I'd have given anything for my wife to have offered to buy me a new wardrobe. I had to replace mine 3 times. It's VERY costly. Don't see an act of kindness as anything other than that, however misguided it may be.2 -
nicoleggates wrote: »A good rule to life, particularly in relationships, is to assume the best intentions that could practically be true. Don't delude yourself into hoping for something that isn't reasonable or practical, but think about what practically could be reasonable intentions. He could be supportive but awkward, or he could have been waiting for this moment and his love could be conditional. Of those two, why assume the worst? You should give people you love the benefit of the doubt. And since he married you at your current weight, the first potential is the most likely anyway.
This. This. This. Best rule of thumb for life in general. So many people jump first to the worst connotation. Why not go the positive route and give people the benefit of doubt first? In marriage especially....always assume the best possible connotation.0
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