Anorexic, then gained, need to SAFELY lose. Need support

cheritylaws
cheritylaws Posts: 5 Member
in Motivation and Support
So I have been back and forth with anorexic episodes since 14 yrs old. Now I'm 35. The last 5 years have been the most difficult times with my eating disorder ever. In the last 5 years I have been in ED treatment and have had to re feed, and gain weight, using feeding tubes 4 times. I have not currently been inpatient for about 2 years now. Last round of treatment I went in at 96 lbs. I discharged at 112 lbs. In the 2 years I've been out I actually ate very poorly but in opposite direction. Got up to 180 lbs. I decided to lose weight. I want to get to 135 lbs. I am 5' 4". I want to be safe. But now my old anorexic thoughts have hit full force. I'm not often eating, most calories I do take in are from ensure plus and G2. Calories daily from real food range between 100 to 350, then then ensure and G2 make up 800 call total each day. My dietitian said even though I'm overweight, right now it's dangerous for me to lose weight with my thinking issues...she thinks I'll spiral out if control. She saud for now I must maintain. I simply cannot accept that. So I am setting out to try to SAFELY lose weight...from 280 to 135, and could really use support from anyone willing. I don't want to go over board. I really need support.

Replies

  • cheritylaws
    cheritylaws Posts: 5 Member
    I made an error in numbers in my post. Says I want to get from 280 to 135. Typo. Actually intended to say my goal is to go from 180 to 135!
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    If you are unwilling to follow the instructions of a state-registered dietitian who is well-trained to deal in these matters, what makes you think the help of a bunch of unqualified strangers on the internet will be any more beneficial?

    Listen to your doctor/dietitian. Just because you don't like what they have to say doesn't mean they are wrong. You sound like you are not in a very good place emotionally to be losing weight, anyway.
  • Nathanae
    Nathanae Posts: 29 Member
    hey cherity. I sympathise with your situation. especially with your background it must be tough to just sit back and accept your current shape if you feel uncomfortable and within a range that you don't have to or want to stay fr the rest of your life! I really don't want to offer myself as support because I can be rather unreliable when it comes to messaging and it sounds like you need someone who is more consistant. I hope you find a way, TOGETHER with your dietitian, not behind her/his back(!!!) to safely get to a healthy and comfortable lifestyle for you. Try and make sure she knows about your plans and methods so she can give you advice and watch you if it gets out of hand, rather than hide it from her!- and it sounds like the biggest step would be to start getting your calories from actual food (I'm not sure what G2 is?)
  • cheritylaws
    cheritylaws Posts: 5 Member
    Thank you for replying. Yes it us hard to weigh what I do now and not fall into old habits. I have never in my life been over 125lbs. Now I'm 180. What alot of people do not understand, while they tell me I need to maintain, is that awareness of where I am at currently is the biggest factor in having restrictive and purging behaviors resurface. I want to do this in a safe way. I do not want to spiral, I do not want to be back under 100 lbs and sick, and I don't want to end up back in treatment. The fact is though, that if I am not allowed or able to lose some weight, and get to a healthy weight, then knowing I am overweight in itself is a trigger for eating disorder thoughts. So staying at this weight being constantly triggered is honestly no safer for me than losing a rational amount of weight is. Does that make sense?
  • upoffthemat
    upoffthemat Posts: 679 Member
    I think there is so much more here than should be addressed on an internet message board. If the professional you are working with now doesn't think you should be trying to lose weight right now there may be a very valid reason for it and something there you need to learn. It may be that you would do better working with another professional as well, but it seems to me you have too much to risk to put your hands in random strangers on the internet that don't have your whole medical history.
    I can somewhat understand your frustration, but maybe where you are physically is where you need to be right now for your mental health. I can't imagine it is going to be easy, but sometimes the process is there for a reason even if it doesn't always makes sense to us. I would try to find out as much as I can about why your dietitian is saying you shouldn't lose right now and what milestones she wants to see you achieve before you start moving back to a more normal weight. If you have an idea of the road ahead of you it may help a lot.
  • cheritylaws
    cheritylaws Posts: 5 Member
    The reason she wants me to maintain is because she feels if I try to lose, even if overweight now, that she's afraid I might spiral and get out of control with it. I understand what she's saying. However I feel I can do this safely. But yes, your probably right, maybe this app isn't the place for support afterall. Only reason I posted for support was so maybe if I friend ed a person or two I'd feel some basic accountability. I wouldn't want people seeing me do poorly, I'd feel ashamed honestly, so with friends for support I was thinking I'd be more likely to stick to the safe plan, and not go overboard.
  • PinkPixiexox
    PinkPixiexox Posts: 4,142 Member
    I am in ED recovery - and as a fellow ED sufferer who is also prone to obsessing I'd say this - Please tread carefully. I use MFP as a way of safely and sensibly losing my excess weight and I am all too aware of how easy it is to become obsessed. Those thoughts can creep in very quickly. I spent a lot of time speaking with a professional about my relationship with food and so I feel I am in a better place to embark on this again now - but it is still a very slippery slope and I am very careful.

    You need to approach this with caution. If you are experiencing the same thoughts, you need to contact your support team or a healthcare professional right away.

Categories