I feel lost: Eating disorders, health issues and their debilitating effects on my fitness goals
KintsugiCurlyQueen
Posts: 68 Member
I apologise in advance for the long-winded post, which is most likely going to seem overly dramatic at times. Anyone who gets through this is a champion. It's been a b*tch to put into words.
I never really worried about my weight until felt I was fighting to keep both heart and mind of the man I thought I loved. My insecurities and pre-existing self hatred manifested into the (sadly) all too common anorexia nervosa. A rough recovery left me having transitioned to another all too common ED: binge eating disorder. I battle with both demons from time to time, on top of depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder and insomnia. Before the first caring poster suggests I seek professional help, I should clarify that I am medicated but have been severely let down by the NHS throughout the whole ordeal and am therefore no longer interested in that kind of outside help.
So, to the now. I'm 5'5, 116lbs. Lean mass severely destroyed by fast weightloss/Body fat gained due to weight bouncing back and forth. A trigger point in my shoulderblade means that I am temporarily restricted with lifting weights (something I am massively passionate about). Some have told me to cut the fat I have, but I've been told that I'll just look ill. Others have suggested a bulk, which makes more sense to me but with the cycles of binge eating and being unable to perform some of the fundamental compound movements, I am deathly scared of messing it up and getting the wrong kind of h00ge. I mean, what about the darker days when I just can't make the training sessions? How do I start coping with that?
I have no idea what to do, and after writing all this I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I guess I'd just like some input into how I could possibly start to enjoy this whole journey again. Bulk? Cut? Plod along miserably for the next few years until I give up? Hearing of people who might be in a similar boat and how they deal with the nitty gritty would be really awesome, too. I feel very alone with it all.
Thank you
I never really worried about my weight until felt I was fighting to keep both heart and mind of the man I thought I loved. My insecurities and pre-existing self hatred manifested into the (sadly) all too common anorexia nervosa. A rough recovery left me having transitioned to another all too common ED: binge eating disorder. I battle with both demons from time to time, on top of depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder and insomnia. Before the first caring poster suggests I seek professional help, I should clarify that I am medicated but have been severely let down by the NHS throughout the whole ordeal and am therefore no longer interested in that kind of outside help.
So, to the now. I'm 5'5, 116lbs. Lean mass severely destroyed by fast weightloss/Body fat gained due to weight bouncing back and forth. A trigger point in my shoulderblade means that I am temporarily restricted with lifting weights (something I am massively passionate about). Some have told me to cut the fat I have, but I've been told that I'll just look ill. Others have suggested a bulk, which makes more sense to me but with the cycles of binge eating and being unable to perform some of the fundamental compound movements, I am deathly scared of messing it up and getting the wrong kind of h00ge. I mean, what about the darker days when I just can't make the training sessions? How do I start coping with that?
I have no idea what to do, and after writing all this I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I guess I'd just like some input into how I could possibly start to enjoy this whole journey again. Bulk? Cut? Plod along miserably for the next few years until I give up? Hearing of people who might be in a similar boat and how they deal with the nitty gritty would be really awesome, too. I feel very alone with it all.
Thank you
1
Replies
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A slow and controlled bulk seems like the obvious answer. Are squats ok? Isolated upper body exercises?2
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No need to cut. Enjoy your self and eat in a small surplus. Find other activities outside the gym to do when you get those negative thoughts/urges. And continue your strength training and work around your restrictions. I can relate with some of what your going through. Remember theres more too life than food and working out.1
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I would recommend that you focus on what matters most (things that promote health) and let aesthetic goals be secondary for a good long while. By that I mean developing a healthy relationship with food, nourishing yourself with a nutritious eating plan, maintaining a healthy weight, safely developing some overall fitness through a varied fitness plan (some gentler strength training, a little cardio for the heart, some Pilates or yoga for core strength and flexibility, etc.). Basically just get on a positive path of healthy living and growing in a positive direction, emotionally and physically. Don't try to do it all overnight and go to extremes or get obsessed with perfection (which might be a temptation with your specific history) just get on a good journey... do the next right thing.
As for me, I am a middle aged woman who was morbidly obese and depressed and out of shape several years ago, I lost over 100 pounds over a couple of years and have maintained for about a year now... compete in half marathons and triathlons these days. It was a long journey of getting my mental health in order so I could focus on taking of my body properly, then slowly making moves in the right direction and staying on track. My body isn't perfect and I don't do it all correctly every day but you know what....it doesn't matter because I'm taking care of myself and happy now.4 -
Thank you all for taking the time to respond - each of you have given me something to consider. I woke up this morning feeling highly embarrassed having posting something so emotionally charged, so it meant a lot to see that I've had plenty of support. There really are some good people left in this world 3
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It sounds like working on maintenance for a while may be helpful for you. You can use that time to work on stabilizing your relationship with food and learning to appreciate your body as it is. During that time you can still work on fitness as you are able and at least maintain your current level or see some modest improvements.
Have you looked into alternative therapies such as yoga, meditation, acupuncture, etc.? I tend to be a large believer in western medicine but have found that the three things I listed can sometimes help me settle my mind when stressed or having a bad day while also helping make my body feel better. Also, I days I don't feel like working out or can't for some reason, doing a little yoga makes me feel like I didn't completely drop the ball.
I hope you find whatever it is you need! Feel free to add me as a friend for support, venting, or just general chatting. 0 -
Hey there I just joined this community today hoping for very very similar help, I've got Bordeline Personality Disorder too and I know just all too well how it can affect a healthy lifestyle, also get anxiety and constant stress, it's pretty bad haha, if I had to suggest what works for me personally is I never stop trying, I know it sounds daft but I've tried to keep working out and eating properly possibly into the triple figures over the last 3 years, giving up or giving in I guess is the better words then picking myself back up after a roadblock and trying again, I'm actually feeling really good about it this time, maybe it's realising there's a whole community here to talk to, so anyway this is like a short novel so I've written hear so i'll wrap up, just keep trying and don't give up, reach out if you stumble and others will help you get back on track, wish you luck!1
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I cannot understand all of your problem because some are so unlike mine, but I understand your emotional response and the pain, so I hear you sweetheart and I think that it's pretty obvious that there are people here that do understand your problems and have offered what sounds like some good suggestions for you! It's the best part of being in a community of like minded folks, you get support! I'm thinking of you, sending good thoughts your way and praying for some good successes for you, so that you will feel really encouraged and can move forward, knowing that life is never perfect but it's worth it to continue to fight for you! Holly0
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I can't say I have much to add myself, DocBanana very elegantly worded anything focusing on your health as a total package and how important mental health truly is in all of our journeys. And like Imccallie noted it is difficult to open up and seek support, many of us are also looking for the same but haven't yet worked up the courage to post first. So I have to give you a lot of credit. I've never struggled with an eating disorder however I have struggled with my own demons that in the past have caused some very serious weight flux from normal BMI to severely underweight. I was given any number of different possible diagnosis however ultimately when everything was said and done and a couple dozen years and physicians later I was diagnosed with chronic insomnia. I also deal with extreme anxiety. I take sleeping medication however as with anything it loses effectiveness over time, I have issues with taking anti-anxiety meds so I try to regulate that on my own. I do alright most of the time and have gotten slightly better at managing it but it all ties in together and makes dealing with my physical fitness that much harder. Feel free to friend request if you're seeking support, a lot of us are seeking the same and for reasons other than simply losing weight/looking great (which is just as great of a goal mind you!).0
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Concentrate on your health.....a little at a time. Start with upping your walking a little each week. Do some weight training....even once a week for half and hour yields results.....that's what I do but I'm extremely high intensity. Eat every three hours.....small meal but always have protien included. Once your heart grabs hold of the journey, which it will, it becomes easy and addictive. It becomes your life. And throw away your scale or ignore it ffs. Somebody of your stature should never, ever weigh themselves. And most of all.....love your self and every little achievement ....even if its drinking an extra bottle of water in a day. Your special.....and your heart knows it0
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Pilates, yoga, or tai chi would be good for you because they help with your body-mind connection.0
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I'm so overwhelmed by the support I've received in this thread. Although I don't currently have the mental capacity to answer you all personally, I thank each and every one of you wholeheartedly for your insights.
For so long, like many others, I've struggled with the idea that there is anything beyond being lean and fit. Time for that to take a back burner - for real, this time. Hopefully by not expecting so much from myself, I'll find the fire in my belly for all of this again!2 -
In addition to the other advice you've already gotten, a good massage therapist might be able to help with the trigger point issue. Good luck with everything!0
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JashuaBarnabis wrote: »No need to cut. Enjoy your self and eat in a small surplus. Find other activities outside the gym to do when you get those negative thoughts/urges. And continue your strength training and work around your restrictions. I can relate with some of what your going through. Remember theres more too life than food and working out.
This is great advice and mirrors what I wanted to say. Don't focus on trying to control every aspect of your workouts and progress. Eating disorders are about control (and subsequently lack of control), and the more you try to create this regime for yourself, the greater possibility there is for self-sabotage. Break out of your usual routine (which in itself might be triggering) and try new forms of activity. For me, I had to step back from ballet for three years until I was able to cope with my own illness. Instead, I have taken up running and absolutely LOVE it! I returned to ballet four months ago, but at a very limited interval each week. This helped me balance my recovery and challenge myself to think outside my normal workout box.
Virtual hug. XO
JJ0 -
JessicaJune wrote: »JashuaBarnabis wrote: »No need to cut. Enjoy your self and eat in a small surplus. Find other activities outside the gym to do when you get those negative thoughts/urges. And continue your strength training and work around your restrictions. I can relate with some of what your going through. Remember theres more too life than food and working out.
This is great advice and mirrors what I wanted to say. Don't focus on trying to control every aspect of your workouts and progress. Eating disorders are about control (and subsequently lack of control), and the more you try to create this regime for yourself, the greater possibility there is for self-sabotage. Break out of your usual routine (which in itself might be triggering) and try new forms of activity. For me, I had to step back from ballet for three years until I was able to cope with my own illness. Instead, I have taken up running and absolutely LOVE it! I returned to ballet four months ago, but at a very limited interval each week. This helped me balance my recovery and challenge myself to think outside my normal workout box.
Virtual hug. XO
JJ
All of this! I've recently taken up skateboarding after not being on a board for like 24 years, but my 10 year old son really wanted me to do it with him. It has been so fun and gives me something to look forward to when the everyday grind of life gets me down. He's playing football right now so we haven't been to skate in weeks and I am truly missing it!
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I think the first thing is to get a good support group. Whether that be online or preferably a group of friends/family that you can lean on when things get tough. We all trip up every now and then, the key is to have someone their to catch you. set you back up and get you going again. You can't build a house without a foundation.
Next, I'd skip worrying about body aesthetics and worry about getting healthy. While looking great is important, being healthy enough to enjoy it is more important. As you've eluded to in your post, binge eating/eating disorders take a huge toll on our bodies and while the immediate effect isn't always as noticeable, the long term effects can be debilitating. So lean on that support group hard and get back to enjoying to eat healthy! One of the key things they've always found with depression/anxiety/etc. is that any sort of physical exercise helps. So keep moving when the bad thoughts show up even if it seems like the total opposite of what you want to do. I can't count the times I've talked myself out of a run before heading out because of stress and by the time I get back from the run, I've not only lost the stress, but I feel a million times better. It's saved my marriage I'd say. I used to hold a lot of anger and now that just flows right our during a run or a good game of hockey.
Finally know that you are going to falter, we all do. No one is perfect. You'll binge, you'll skip meals, you'll hate yourself, and a ton of other emotions. The thing to remember is we all go through it, but the ones who come out on the other side and keep going are stronger and better for it. So keep fighting and keep trying because the only time we actually fail is if we give up.0 -
TravisJHunt wrote: »I think the first thing is to get a good support group. Whether that be online or preferably a group of friends/family that you can lean on when things get tough. We all trip up every now and then, the key is to have someone their to catch you. set you back up and get you going again. You can't build a house without a foundation.
Next, I'd skip worrying about body aesthetics and worry about getting healthy. While looking great is important, being healthy enough to enjoy it is more important. As you've eluded to in your post, binge eating/eating disorders take a huge toll on our bodies and while the immediate effect isn't always as noticeable, the long term effects can be debilitating. So lean on that support group hard and get back to enjoying to eat healthy! One of the key things they've always found with depression/anxiety/etc. is that any sort of physical exercise helps. So keep moving when the bad thoughts show up even if it seems like the total opposite of what you want to do. I can't count the times I've talked myself out of a run before heading out because of stress and by the time I get back from the run, I've not only lost the stress, but I feel a million times better. It's saved my marriage I'd say. I used to hold a lot of anger and now that just flows right our during a run or a good game of hockey.
Finally know that you are going to falter, we all do. No one is perfect. You'll binge, you'll skip meals, you'll hate yourself, and a ton of other emotions. The thing to remember is we all go through it, but the ones who come out on the other side and keep going are stronger and better for it. So keep fighting and keep trying because the only time we actually fail is if we give up.TravisJHunt wrote: »I think the first thing is to get a good support group. Whether that be online or preferably a group of friends/family that you can lean on when things get tough. We all trip up every now and then, the key is to have someone their to catch you. set you back up and get you going again. You can't build a house without a foundation.
Next, I'd skip worrying about body aesthetics and worry about getting healthy. While looking great is important, being healthy enough to enjoy it is more important. As you've eluded to in your post, binge eating/eating disorders take a huge toll on our bodies and while the immediate effect isn't always as noticeable, the long term effects can be debilitating. So lean on that support group hard and get back to enjoying to eat healthy! One of the key things they've always found with depression/anxiety/etc. is that any sort of physical exercise helps. So keep moving when the bad thoughts show up even if it seems like the total opposite of what you want to do. I can't count the times I've talked myself out of a run before heading out because of stress and by the time I get back from the run, I've not only lost the stress, but I feel a million times better. It's saved my marriage I'd say. I used to hold a lot of anger and now that just flows right our during a run or a good game of hockey.
Finally know that you are going to falter, we all do. No one is perfect. You'll binge, you'll skip meals, you'll hate yourself, and a ton of other emotions. The thing to remember is we all go through it, but the ones who come out on the other side and keep going are stronger and better for it. So keep fighting and keep trying because the only time we actually fail is if we give up.
He said it all right here. As former binge eater, I certainly agree with these comments. I will also offer myself to answer and questions that you may have along the journey or simple support!0
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