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rubixcyoob
rubixcyoob Posts: 395
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So, I actually have no other place to let out a rant and I'm not bothered if people read, reply, whatever. I just need this out.

Me and my son's father split up one week off four months ago (I only know because it was one week after my birthday and my birthday is the 10th March so it's easy to count lol) and he has been nothing but a pain in the *kitten* ever since.

Snippets from our many conversaions over the last 4 months have been:

Him: "If he's not a Catholic I am NOT his dad"
Him: "speak to my mum in regards to LO from now on"
Him: "don't speak to me again"

Just enough to give you a view into what he is like eh?

Well last week he emailed me on facebook asking if he could see our son one day during the week but ONLY if I paid to get to his house which would mean I would need to pay the return on a train and bus both ways (my job has currently stopped for summer atm), get there around 2ish as I would get ready while LO napped and leave after his lunch and need to leave around 4ish to avoid most of the rush hour traffic and get home for LOs bath and dinner so I would be paying around £12 (not much but it's my son's birthday in two weeks and I need all the money I can) for 2 hours so he can see his son and I can sit there doing nothing.
Not to mention the fact he is still working and has enough money to go out 24/7 etc he just wanted me to pay.

So after a while of arguing he decided to come down here between half 11 and half 1 on Tuesday and see his son and this is how the day turned out:
- two days before we were due to meet at soft play he said he had money for our son and he would give it to me then. He rarely gives money, £20/£30 once or so a month.
- he arrived ONE HOUR LATE so only go one hour with his son because he SLEPT IN, because he decided that he would have a party till early in the morning the night before he had to see his son. Despite him not being able to get up early after around 12 hours sleep never mind 5.
- at soft play he said he never had the money because he spend it on ALCOHOL the night before but I would get it this weekend.
- he then proceeds to tell me how he misses us as a family and I told him to do one, after the way he treated me I was not getting back into that ever.

So the day came and went, I heard nothing more from him until today when he seen his son for a few hours.
When I seen him it went as follows:
- he didn't get up until we arrived with my son, so the 4 hours he did have him were cut down due to him needing to get ready, not to mention it was 1pm. He just can't get up early for his son can he? His mother had to look after my LO until he was ready.
- on the pick up journey I noticed a massive hickey on his neck. Now I am not jealous, just feeling second best. Again. All through our relationship he cheated on me and this just feels like he is saying yet again "aha I can still shag someone, doesn't need to be you" basically after what he said in soft play.
- STILL NO MONEY. He didn't have enough, despite going out with his friend WHILE we were leaving.

Gah his whole presence just annoys me and I want to punch him. He made me feel like **** our whole relationship, stole £400, cheated god knows how many times and just general nastiness. Now he's making me feel like **** for having him as my son's father. He spends the money he says is for his son without a second thought, despite being paid. He doesn't watch him while his son is there - his mother does etc.

today I went on the CSA (Child Support Agency for all non-UKers) and since he is working full time, 10 hours a day at £6 an hour I am entitled by law to £39 a week. Which, when raising a child, is not a lot after food, nappies, clothes, bathing equipment and fuel so I can drive 20ish miles to his house and back to drop my son off.
I am still a uni student - he dropped out to work. I get no benefits, he could apply for some. My work is swimming lessons which stops for summer/christmas holidays and only 3 hours a week, his is full time. Yet he pays nothing and I buy our son everything myself.
So it seems like court proceedings are on order and this is just going to get nasty. I never wanted court but I am not letting him make a mockery out of me, him out every night doing this and that and me scrimping and saving to raise our son basically on my own. It takes two to make a child.



P.S sorry for the rant x

Replies

  • dia77
    dia77 Posts: 410 Member
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    It's ok to let it out.
    I think he did you a favour, just in case you had second thoughts. Now , you know who he really is.If he ever wants to see your son , let him pay for everithing and don't bother to get annoyed .
    Live your life , and let him go . He is not worth it .
    Sorry for being so blunt , but I believe that a man who doen't want to take care of his son , first he is not a father and second , not really a man! Just a wininng puppy .....after all , just annoying.
  • hkrosez
    hkrosez Posts: 53
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    I know you are just rantng, and not really interested in what people have to say, so I'll make it quick.

    My sister is in the same boat, but won't go to court, so you are a step ahead of her.

    Honestly, I would say forget it, and just raise your son on your own. But that's just me. The court should say the same thing -- apply for full custody because he sounds like an unfit father.
  • rubixcyoob
    rubixcyoob Posts: 395
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    I know I should just forget him but he still lives with his mother and so when my son see's her he sees him so I cannot ever fully stop it ... until he moves out.

    I'm not made of money and £39 per week would be really useful. It can also go in my son's savings for when he is older to give him a little nest egg of sorts.

    Gah I'm just so frustrated. I wish his ugly face and man tits would fall of this planet completely.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    Why do YOU have to pay to travel and be inconvenienced for him to see his kid when it suits him? Shouldn't he be doing that? This guy sounds like a total creep. I feel for you. :grumble:
  • salmoninthebeak
    salmoninthebeak Posts: 114
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    good for you for going ahead and contacting CSA !!

    in my un-involved opinion, he should be the one coming to you for visitation with his son.
    If you have to pay 12pounds for the commute, and he only is obligated to give you 39pounds, you only have 27pounds left for the necessities for LO.

    btw, how old is your son??
  • turtlecandy
    turtlecandy Posts: 1
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    ughhh, exes huh? =P
    i understand the horrible situation you're in, and i'd agree with the other comments, if he's not gonna pay maintenance then try applying for full custody... if he remains part of your life then your son could start copying his actions.
    fair play to ya for going to uni while a new mother, i know how hard it is to survive as a student on your own, never mind with a small child!

    *hug*

    stay strong, and good on ye =)
  • rubixcyoob
    rubixcyoob Posts: 395
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    My son is ONE WHOLE YEAR on the 25th July! With his party of the 23rd.

    That probably explains why I've blown around £200 alone on presents including a small trampoline, clothes, toys etc eh?

    Oh and HE hasn't bought anything yet -_-
  • jenstanley13
    jenstanley13 Posts: 194 Member
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    I can't imagine being a single mom, so first kudos to you! Being a mom is hard enough, let alone doing it on your own.

    I would take him to court for child support and request that if wants visitation, he foots the bill. If you don't trust him alone with your son then I would request supervised visits (by someone other than you) until he can prove to be a fit parent. Do not let him continue tormenting you by staying for the visits, you are stronger and better than that!
  • swillis21
    swillis21 Posts: 251 Member
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    I'm so sorry! The whole situation does sound reeeealy frustrating!! Sounds to me like he has made a lot of poor choices and doesn't respect you at all - relationship or not. I think I would def consider going to court bc you need the support and respect. Too many fathers think that if a relationship is over that they don't still have responsibilities - but no matter what they think they do!! Try to continue being respectful yourself - even though he is not - in the whole thing so that your child can see that just bc someone else is inconsiderate doesn't make it ok to be rude back. Hang in there to finish your degree and hope things turn around for you!!
    I send you my best!
  • plagirl227
    plagirl227 Posts: 134
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    Go for child support. Just like you said, it takes 2 and he should bear some responsibilty. And I would not be spending money nor time taking his son to him. He wants to see his son, let HIM make the effort...
  • rubixcyoob
    rubixcyoob Posts: 395
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    Thank you for the support lovelies. I really needed to get that out, otherwise I'd be charge for punching his ugly face as some form of relief LOL
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
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    i have been in your situtation-ish before and I will tell you what had to happen. CUT HIM ABSOLUTELY NO SLACK! If he were a great father this wouldnt even be a problem. However he doesnt sound like it to me.

    You have to get all this in writing. That way when he doesnt follow the rules he will be in contempt and have to suffer some consequences cause from I hear it doesnt sound like he has ever had to.

    Dont let him tell you how YOUR life is going to be. You need to take control of the situation. I know you are still hurt and frustrated and all that applies. I get it. However, you need to take the emotions out of it and protect yourself and your son.

    It took my mom just telling me THIS IS HOW ITS GOING TO BE BECAUSE YOU ARE IN NO SHAPE TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS! So, i let her guide me and it was the best decision i ever made. Find someone you trust and ask for their help. But its up to you to follow through. You will be so much happier in the end.

    Sorry, if i am being bossy. I just know how you feel. TOTALLY!
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    I know exactly where you're coming from hun.

    My ex and I split in April. She intended to take the kids and move back to Arizona with no warning while I was out. Luckily, I found out and was able to keep them here. She left anyhow. For you in the UK...Arizona is 800 miles from where we live.

    That's right, she left, and took herself 800 miles from her kids.

    She lied to everyone, told them she was in fear for her life, that I was 'dangerous'...but it was ok to leave the kids? It was all bunk designed to get sympathy from her family and friends. The fact is she's borderline personality disorder, and had started cheating on me online the month prior. I didn't say anything at first, because I was hoping she'd quit and get into counselling again. She didn't, so I confronted her...she attacked me (yeah...I'm dangerous lol), leaving scars I still carry almost 4mos later on my face an arms. Now we go to court Tuesday for temporary custody.

    That's right, she's suing for custody, after abandoning the kids 800 miles away, hardly talking to them (on and off...for a couple weeks she did every night, but now she hasn't in a week), and lying through her teeth about me letting her talk to them etc. She tells her family and friends that I only let her talk to them every other day (I WISH she called them more than every other day), for 10 minutes right before bed...9 minutes of which I spend yelling at her, leaving her with only time to say 'goodnight I love you' before I hang up on her.

    Yep...ex's suck =/.
  • rubixcyoob
    rubixcyoob Posts: 395
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    My mum and dad do help out and they are pointing me in all the right directions. They've made me see I need court, if only for maintenence at first and what ever later on :)

    Aw no, your ex sounds like a crazy and I hope she does not get temporary custody. I know that in Scotland, under the Children Scotland Act she would not be allowed custody because custody is only removed from the mother if it would be detrimental for the children if they did live with her. And by moving 800 miles away, her without support and having a mental disorder, the lies and lack of contact that would be detrimental for your children and staying with you is most definitely the better option. Same school, routine, family, friends etc.etc.!
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    My mum and dad do help out and they are pointing me in all the right directions. They've made me see I need court, if only for maintenence at first and what ever later on :)

    Aw no, your ex sounds like a crazy and I hope she does not get temporary custody. I know that in Scotland, under the Children Scotland Act she would not be allowed custody because custody is only removed from the mother if it would be detrimental for the children if they did live with her. And by moving 800 miles away, her without support and having a mental disorder, the lies and lack of contact that would be detrimental for your children and staying with you is most definitely the better option. Same school, routine, family, friends etc.etc.!

    Yeah...sometimes I wish we were in Scotland, or England, or the North Pole...

    Anywhere but freaking here =/.

    Anyhow though...just wanted to tell you I know how you feel. With our combined income we were doing fine. She left and left all the bills, taking half the income. It's been a financial, emotional, and logistic nightmare.
  • _beachgirl_
    _beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
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    My only advice to you would be, and it's difficult, take your emotions out of it! For your sake and ultimately the sake of your son.

    The frustration and anger you feel are not going to go away anytime soon, because I am pretty sure your ex will continue to behave this way. What you're feeling is hurting you and will eventually hurt your son. I remember every time dealing with my ex, I would feel sick afterwards. It takes it's toll on you, emotionally and physically. And your son will pick up on your emotions when he's old enough.

    You have to take emotion out of it and treat it like a business transaction. The law says he owes you money, He has to pay it on a certain date, the whole amount, if he doesn't, then do what you need to legally. The law says he can have visiting rights. You do not need to provide transportation for him to see his child. Set up a visitation schedule and stick to it. If he doesn't come during his scheduled visitation then you are not obligated to make other arrangements. Don't talk to your ex about anything other than what is absolutely necessary regarding your son.

    Now, I am not suggesting that you do this forever. Only until the frustration, the anger, the hurt you feel when dealing with your ex goes away. And it will.

    I have a much better relationship with my ex now, but it took a while. All the things he did that I couldn't handle while we married, he still did after the divorce, still does now. Once I took my emotions out of it, I think he realized that I wasn't going to get upset, or argue, things actually improved.

    I wish you the best of luck!
  • Sauchie
    Sauchie Posts: 357 Member
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    I fell you. Men can be so self involved. My x use to think on his days off i needed to watch his kids so he could hang out with friends.... He put himself before his children. It's hard to walk away when you think you love someone. Tell him if he wants time with your child he needs to pay for it. It's not your responsibility, your doing what you can. my parents helped me raise my 13 year old. They still do.

    Best of luck friend me if you want :-)
  • TessaL221
    TessaL221 Posts: 106 Member
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    Hang in there. I'm raising my 4 little ones on my own as well. They are between the ages of 3 and 8. My ex (luckily) pays support, but is 2500 miles away in Texas. This summer the kids were with my in-laws in Pennsylvania while he was there, and when his mom had to go back to work, I ended up having to call family members and split the kids up to various locations in the area because he couldn't handle them and I was here in Virginia in the middle of intensive classes (2 graduate classes in 2 weeks) and couldn't get there to care for them.
    When I finished my classes and went up to get them, he insisted on going on a "date" and telling me he wants to work on trying to get back together. I agreed to the "date" in a public place just so I didn't have to deal with his mental abuse, but it was a mistake because instead of phone calls and text messages, he spent the entire evening in mental abuse mode.
    I think his 2500 mile distance is a blessing because he's not a good dad or a good husband, but has always been a good provider. At the young age the kids want to see him and cry and say they miss him, but my older ones don't want anything to do with him because they see that he really doesn't care about them and 1/2 the time even refuse to talk to him when he calls. I do not talk badly about him in front of them and I don't allow them to disrespect him even if they are talking about him instead of to him, but I will not force them to be there for him on his whims.
    My advice is similar to some of the others': Don't put yourself out there to make a way for him to see your son, from the way dad seems to act, your son is likely better off without him. It is hard not to put yourself back in the position of being his doormat again, but stand strong especially when it seems the hardest to do so.

    PS: as I'm sitting here typing this he started IMing me, and it's yet another lovely conversation about male self-centeredness! lol

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