Roadblock

@nowhere123 I really think you would be surprised at just how many might really understand where you are coming from.
I battled with depression for years and no one outside of my home never knew. For me, my faith in God really changed it all. There is really so much to it, to put it into words would take a small book. That and me being a bit of an introvert doesn't really help me put such personal things into words. Let me just say I can really understand what it feels like at the bottom.
I also know what it feels like to climb out of the pit from under the rock. For me it was do or die.
Over the years I learned a lot about myself.
1. I am greatly affected by my environment, so everything must be in order as much as possible. It calms me more than it probably does normal people.
2. I learned the value of planning. I may go a little overboard on this one.

I so feel you. I feel like my illness sabotages me horridly. I know exactly what Im doing wrong and how to do things right,yet I eat the wrong things and dont exercise antway,

Depression makes you feel like you don't deserve to feel better. So, it is really de-motivating to making choices you know will help.

I know you know that, but sometimes affirmation helps. You do deserve to feel good. You deserve good health. You deserve a happy life.

Consider seeing a doctor if you haven't. Maybe a female if you feel a male doctor will judge you. Get a physical and see if there are other issues contributing to depression. For instance, I tend toward anemia and when my iron is low I am tired and depressed.

And keep in mind that needing antidepressants doesn't mean You are broken, it just means your body needs something a little different. Think of it like taking iron for anemia.

First I want to say that there is no shame in being depressed regardless what gender you are, and you are a very strong person for realizing and admitting that your depression is keeping you from reaching your goals. I have suffered from depression on and off most of my life and it most definitely effects your ability to make healthy choices, I've gone through periods of time where I've both drastically overate or underate due to feeling depressed. You are definitely not alone.

As others have suggested I would definitely suggest seeing a doctor to address the depression and make sure there aren't any other health problems causing it. Antidepressants aren't the answer for everyone and what works for one person may not work for you, but if you decide to go that route I strongly urge you not to get discouraged if one kind doesn't work out. There are so many different options now(even non medication options) that you can find something that works for you.

In the mean time something that has helped me in the past is to evaluate what is making you happy in life right now and what is causing you stress. This can be very difficult to do when you are in a depressed mood and nothing seems to make you happy, but if you make a little list for yourself everyday you'll eventually see patterns of what truly makes you happy(even if you don't always feel like it) and what is a continual source of negativity in your life. If you can weed out some of that negativity, do it, even if it means changing your habits. I'm not going to pretend that making lists is going to fix your depression, it's not, but sometimes just convincing yourself to do something that would normally make you happy when it's the last thing you want to do can make all the difference.

I wish you the best of luck, focus on getting yourself healthy mentally first, the physical health will follow suit. Just remember that you are worth it, you're happiness is worth the time and effort. Stay strong.