Parental Advice?

I fully support what you have done. You're right, you can't tell them what to do but you can (and should) as their parent, give them your advice. Tell them that you think what they are doing is wrong but you will always love them. Even grown kids want to hear that they are loved.
good luck....

I think you did the right thing.

My oldest is 18 and even now it's hard that I can't tell her what to do!!

I have an older brother who hasn't made good decisions. The biggest problem, however, is that both of my parents enable his bad choices and end up hurting him rather than helping them like they think they are doing. They constantly bail him out of trouble. For example, my dad has paid his child supprort for YEARS instead of making him pay it or go to jail. Good grief, make the kid keep a job (so he can pay himself) or go to court to get a lower payment!!! Anything but paying it for him! He does nothing but cause them grief and they continue to chip out money to him. My dad has gone into terrible debt to keep giving him money cuz he has none - of course - he continues to quit every job he has because "the boss was a jerk." Anyway - I could go on, but I won't.

Anyway, from my limited experience, the best you can probably do is to just not enable them. Be there for them if they ask for help and offer suggestions when it seems they need it (who cares if they complain about you). But don't enable them. So if the son with the controlling wife comes complaining that he needs help with bills - give him advice - not money.

I hope I can do the same for my kids - I have an awefully big heart though and it's already tough with my 18 year old!!

I hope someone has better advice for you! Good luck!

Sounds like sound advice to me. Parenting really blows sometimes. I did the best I could with what I had at the time, and now I hope they were at least paying a little attention to what I said and did. Good luck and try not to worry too much. They are grown people and may have to learn some of life's harder lessons the hard way. I did.

Unfortunately, we all have to learn on our own. Otherwise, we'd never grow as humans. You did right by giving them advice. I've learned, though, to only offer advice when it's asked for (4 grown step-kids). Otherwise, it's considered medling (by the other party).

Years from now, they'll look back and say "you were right" - but until they've grown from the experience, they won't understand what you are trying to warn them of.

I'm most concerned about family members taking their side and bad-mouthing you on FB. I think I'd be deleting those family members ASAP.

I'm not a parent, so you're welcome to throw this advice in the trash, but as a young adult, advice from my parents is critical for me. I don't always take it (they absolutely hated my husband when we started dating, and within a year they adored him as a part of our family), but I listen. My in-laws however, always come off to my husband as I as demanding and preachy (it sounds biased, and it probably is a little, but when my husband and I talk he feels the same way). They often come at us with unsolicited general advice about our lifestyle or attitudes ("You need to grow up" or "You live life too much in the now, why can't you be more like me?" <-- actual pieces of "advice" they gave us last year, LOL. I think they refer to my husband and I not having children? I'm not sure, they were sort of vague.)

I think your attitude going into it helps a lot - you don't WANT to tell them what to do. Often, my mom and I will have coffee and talk for hours when I visit home. This is when I'll bring up any issues, and she usually gives me advice in the form of "I'd probably do.. x y z if it were me" or something that is almost never "You should x y z." It's a subtle difference, but makes a huge impact. When the issue isn't brought to her, she'll usually get advice from my brother (if it's an issue she needs to bring up with me), or vice versa. I give her a lot of guidance on bringing up delicate issues with my brother, who has had his share of problems related to alcohol and reckless behavior. In cases where there is immediate danger (like drugs and DUI's), bringing up the topic with genuine and gentle concern ("I've been worried about what I've heard about x y z, and I was hoping we could talk about it together. I love you and I want to help you be safe if I can." etc, etc.) As for the other child, with the wife issue, you have to be cautious because that's a can of worms. Bringing up your dislike for his wife's behavior draws a clear line in the sand, whether you mean to our not, and as a psychologist, I can tell you that the implications of that situation are not good. He (and probably she) will get pissed, and if he has to choose a side, there's at least a 50% chance he'll alienate you to please her. If they have financial trouble, maybe just bring it up like the other concern ("I've heard you're having money troubles. Can I do anything to help you? Have you thought to try x y z? It really worked well for me in a similar situation." I would avoid AT ALL COSTS bringing blame into the situation, even if the wife is the main offender. They are married, and joint finances are a joint problem.

Like I said, I'm not parent, but I am a psychologist. I hope that helps you. I'll send good thoughts your way :-)

xxx
Bee

You don't stop being a Mom the second they turn 18. : wink:

A crappy mom is one who wouldn't say anything. A great mom is one who loves her kids enough to risk them hating her for telling them the truth.

Wow, so do they think there's a switch in your brain that can turn off the Mom-worry? That's utterly ridiculous!

I think a lot of folks have already said what came to mind when I read your post, but especially, I think, Bee's advice seems to be pretty apt. Try not to let your opinion of your daughter-in-law come across as clearly as it does in your post, though, because your son will just blow off your comments as being due to your dislike of her and not to any real concern.

Good luck, and keep being the awesome mom your instinct tells you to be!

Hang in there, really one day it will dawn on them and they will be calling you telling you that you were right and they wish they would have listened, as hard as it is sometimes people have to learn from their own mistakes, you did the best you could. As for the family members.........are they on drugs too? You can't pick your family but you can disown them and be done with them on FB. I have a lot of friends with ****ty families, but they have made a great family of friends.

Have you considered attending counseling to help you find better ways to communicate with your adult children?

I think therapy would help especially if things get worse with your adult children (rather than better).

As for the family members and such that are bad mouthing you on FB, delete them and if they call to ask you "why" tell them to pound sand. LOL

Seriously, that is why I don't have a FB because my family is already bad about gossiping - I definitely don't need that crap! In fact my family had some FB drama recently and I found out some secrets and smack talking - yea I made it clear I'm not interested in that BS and they can step off!