How much do I help?

marnieinMB
marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
edited September 29 in Motivation and Support
My future sis in law needs to lose 150 lbs (as per her doctor). She has started WW but has yet to sign up for MFP.

I got her a one month membership to my gym (not sure how many times she has used it).

Part of me wants to sit her down and be real with her. Tell her she really has to want this and needs to figure out how she got to this point. I'm not she is really there yet. She thinks she has all the answers but in my mind she needs to forget what she thinks she know cause that landed her in this spot.

Do I take the tough love approach or just sit back and let her waste more time doing it her way which has so far gotten her nowhere?

Replies

  • ChantalGG
    ChantalGG Posts: 2,404 Member
    Only she can take the step being pushed will make she fall back. I think you need to show her how it isnt hard it is fun. The gym is a big step for a big person. I got a membership and i was only 20 lbs over weight at the time and felt slow and weak and fat compared to everyone else. I like to workout at home alone, maybe she will be the same. For her walking and (or) swimming would be a great start to working out.
  • anthony438
    anthony438 Posts: 578 Member
    You can't make her want it, you can only be there for her.
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    She wants to go the gym and is not intimidated. She worked at one years ago. We are going together again today.

    I want to help her push herself more. She wants to lose 100 lbs in a year and we all know that that will take real hard work!
  • kristen11joy
    kristen11joy Posts: 114 Member
    If she's not asking for advice, she might not be ready to hear it.
  • Jenscan
    Jenscan Posts: 694 Member
    Honestly, I think you've already done what you can. This issue is between her and her doctor, and within herself.

    Stepping in and being the "bad guy" could be counterproductive, especially since you're dealing with an in-law. Could get touchy. Just let her know you'll be there if she needs help or support. And remember, none of us have all the answers, either.
  • CardiacNP
    CardiacNP Posts: 554 Member
    Just be supportive and educate. There is so much bogus and wrong information out there.
    There is no easy fix...hard work and time and results follow
    It is a lifestyle not a diet

    She is lucky to have you
  • wonnder1
    wonnder1 Posts: 460
    Do you work out with her?

    I couldn't do it without my sister, she picks me up, takes me there.

    Here's the thing, sisters can be very judgmental things. Even when they don't mean to be. For years mine bought me "weight loss teas" and diet books and pills. And I hated her for all those things. She thought she was helping. I thought she was calling me gross and fat and not giving me any credit for not being able to do it.

    Finally we decided that we were going to do this, not necessarily because we needed to, but because we wanted to spend time together.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    Set an example by your actions and attitude. We each have to be "ready" for it to become a lifestyle change, so you can't force it on someone.
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    You can't make her want it, you can only be there for her.

    I think she wants it but to an extent. Sometimes people are half way thru a door but need a little nudge to actually walk thru. Make sense?
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    If she wants to lose that 100 pounds, then that's the best start. As long as she realizes the hard work and "sacrifice" that comes with it and is willing to put in the effort to make her desire become reality. If she's going to WW meetings, that will help her. If you really feel she needs some tough love, and she's the type who can take it without drama, sit her down, explain that she might need help breaking her old habits (which obviously weren't working for her) and that you're available for advice and support. You might suggest a nutritionist, too. An objective third party might be just what she needs.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    "Helping" when no help has been requested is in fact called "being pushy".

    If she asks for help or advice, then feel free to offer it kindly. If she doesn't, then let her be.
  • HeatherrSue
    HeatherrSue Posts: 106 Member
    I think sit down with her, one on one, explain to her what has worked for you and so many others. That's its about making better choices, and working out. I have a cousin who is over 300 pounds and after seeing the changes I made, she has been able to stick with it herself. I still let her do what she wants/needs to do for herselft but I share my recipes and workout dvd's and such with her. She told me once, "You are smaller and can work harder than I can and my journey is for me and I have to decide what I can do". I've helped her but you can only help so much. Tell her you're always there when and if she needs you but, it's a journey she has to figure out for herself. What works for her. She's very lucky to have you though. Good luck!
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    Set an example by your actions and attitude. We each have to be "ready" for it to become a lifestyle change, so you can't force it on someone.

    I have shown her a great example. I'm down almost 45 lbs. In no way am I forcing anything on her. But her doctor has made it clear she needs to do this. She is only 26. If she needs to lose 150 I'm guessing she's almost 300 lbs. She wants to have kids and that will not be possible with out this.

    I guess what I'm asking is , do you think its ok if I ask her (in a loving caring way) to just think about:
    1. if she wants this
    2. how hard she is willing to work
    3. why she think she got her

    I just want her to really search her soul, what she chooses to do is up to her, I support her %100!
  • anthony438
    anthony438 Posts: 578 Member
    You can't make her want it, you can only be there for her.

    I think she wants it but to an extent. Sometimes people are half way thru a door but need a little nudge to actually walk thru. Make sense?

    True, a nudge can get you to take a step - or it can cause you to fall down.

    Since you know her much better than we do, which way do you think she'll take it?

    *edit - Is it just me, or do I sound like a fortune cookie today? :laugh:
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    "Helping" when no help has been requested is in fact called "being pushy".

    If she asks for help or advice, then feel free to offer it kindly. If she doesn't, then let her be.

    I agree and she has asked and loves that I have given her the gym membership and ask her to work out with me. She knows she must do this.

    Case in point:
    The week before she saw the doctor we had lunch at chilis. I had a cheat sheet with options I could have. She chose the highest calorie salad on the menu (1500!) I said nothing. We later spoke about after she started WW. I told her I knew how bad it was and she said, "I wish you had told me.
  • garysgirl719
    garysgirl719 Posts: 235 Member
    I can only speak for myself, but if I was her, you would lose a friend. I think you sound as if you are being very pushy and meddlesome. She will come to you if she wants your help. If not, you need to butt out. Her doctor is paid for a reason.
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    You can't make her want it, you can only be there for her.

    I think she wants it but to an extent. Sometimes people are half way thru a door but need a little nudge to actually walk thru. Make sense?

    True, a nudge can get you to take a step - or it can cause you to fall down.

    Since you know her much better than we do, which way do you think she'll take it?

    Honestly I think she needs the nudge. She needs to face the reality that at 26 she is more than obese and that she has the power and support to do this.
  • danckuntz
    danckuntz Posts: 20 Member
    I kinda sound like your sister. What worked for me is my close friend telling me why he decided to shed pounds. Just like me, your sister knows that she needs to drop that weight but identifying with what you went through and your reasons will help. Now I have 4 good friends on MFP and it makes it sooooo much easier. I had to have a reason besides "because I have to loose weight" to loose weight. I come from a medical family, I knew the long term effects of the unhealthy eating habits I had and it didn't sink in until my friend shared his reasons and wanted to be a true concerned friend. Once you have explained that, all you can do is be supportive for when she comes around. It will happen, hopefully sooner then later.

    Thats my 2 cents.

    Dan
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    I can only speak for myself, but if I was her, you would lose a friend. I think you sound as if you are being very pushy and meddlesome. She will come to you if she wants your help. If not, you need to butt out. Her doctor is paid for a reason.

    She has come to me. She tells me over and over how she must do this. She begged me to work out with her today. NOt sure you are getting the point of the thread. She is more than a friend, she is family. She has come to me! I have not pushed a single thing on her. I say nothing when I do 45 on the treadmill and she walks around and barely breaks a sweat. I said nothing on Sunday when she had 2 pieces of birthday cake at my son's party. NOt sure how thats being pushy??
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    I kinda sound like your sister. What worked for me is my close friend telling me why he decided to shed pounds. Just like me, your sister knows that she needs to drop that weight but identifying with what you went through and your reasons will help. Now I have 4 good friends on MFP and it makes it sooooo much easier. I had to have a reason besides "because I have to loose weight" to loose weight. I come from a medical family, I knew the long term effects of the unhealthy eating habits I had and it didn't sink in until my friend shared his reasons and wanted to be a true concerned friend. Once you have explain that all you can do is be supportive for when she comes around. It will happen, hopefully sooner then later.

    Thats my 2 cents.

    Dan

    Thanks Dan, sounds like you understand. I have been MORE SUPPORTIVE and understanding than anyone. I know she wants this.
  • anthony438
    anthony438 Posts: 578 Member
    You can't make her want it, you can only be there for her.

    I think she wants it but to an extent. Sometimes people are half way thru a door but need a little nudge to actually walk thru. Make sense?

    True, a nudge can get you to take a step - or it can cause you to fall down.

    Since you know her much better than we do, which way do you think she'll take it?

    Honestly I think she needs the nudge. She needs to face the reality that at 26 she is more than obese and that she has the power and support to do this.

    True, but this isn't a matter of what she needs. Will this help or hurt? Will this motivate her to do better, or just cause hurt feelings and set her back?

    You know her better than we do, but I can tell you that I would not have responded to anyone, (friends, family, etc.,) offering advice. It just has to come from within.
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    Just be supportive and educate. There is so much bogus and wrong information out there.
    There is no easy fix...hard work and time and results follow
    It is a lifestyle not a diet

    She is lucky to have you

    THANK YOU!
    Thats my point. There is so much BS quick fix info. People rationalize, make excuses etc when it comes to this.
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    You know her better than anyone else here. It sounds like she's in about the right place mentally to handle it. She has expressed to you that she wants your help, and you both know she needs it. If you think she can handle it, then do it, just be gentle. Start by reminding her how much you love her and that you don't like to see her in this place. Then lay it on the line. She needs to expend the effort if she wants to see results. As long as you are willing to help be her butt kicker, then this seems like a win-win situation to me. She gets support and you get a healthier sister.
  • marnieinMB
    marnieinMB Posts: 196 Member
    You can't make her want it, you can only be there for her.

    I think she wants it but to an extent. Sometimes people are half way thru a door but need a little nudge to actually walk thru. Make sense?

    True, a nudge can get you to take a step - or it can cause you to fall down.

    Since you know her much better than we do, which way do you think she'll take it?

    Honestly I think she needs the nudge. She needs to face the reality that at 26 she is more than obese and that she has the power and support to do this.

    True, but this isn't a matter of what she needs. Will this help or hurt? Will this motivate her to do better, or just cause hurt feelings and set her back?

    You know her better than we do, but I can tell you that I would not have responded to anyone, (friends, family, etc.,) offering advice. It just has to come from within.

    She came to me! Since I met her I wanted to help but never said a word! Finally when the DR. told her she came to me for help but like so many others they want help when it fits in their mind set.

    For me, I got pushed and pushed to attend a cross fit class. I finally did and felt like death after. It was then I knew I had to make a change. I'm glad I was pushed. It forced me to look at myself.
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