I've changed my lifestyle, but my fiance won't. Can anyone relate?

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periphrastic
periphrastic Posts: 25 Member
edited October 2016 in Motivation and Support
Hi everyone, I'm hoping you folks can share any advice or tips on motivating a partner to join you in a healthy lifestyle. My fiance and I are both obese -- me more so than him -- and we've both dieted off and on, and always gained it back. I started using MFP, counting calories, and exercising in earnest about 2 months ago, the longest I've ever stuck with an attempt at living healthier, and I'm doing my best to make this a long-term commitment to myself. However, my fiance doesn't have the same mindset. He eats the healthy meals I cook when he's at home, but at work he eats large amounts of fast food and candy, so it doesn't have an impact.

I convinced him to be my partner in a boot camp at my gym that started 2 weeks ago, hoping that he would help keep me motivated/accountable and get him interested in trying to be healthier, too. But it seems to have had the opposite effect. He compares my progress to his own (I'm finally visibly slimmer after 2 months of diet and physical activity, while he just gained a couple pounds after exercising 3 times and continuing to eat lots of fast food and candy). It's too soon to judge results, but it makes him feel like he's failed and there's no point in even trying. He wouldn't even take a 30 min walk with me today, that's how pointless and impossible weight loss feels to him. I tried my best to talk him out of his slump, but I didn't have any luck. It's frustrating to me, and I know it's difficult and emotional for him, too. I don't know how to get through to him.

Should I just stop bothering him and hope my example rubs off on him? It's hard for me to step back and accept that! How have other MFPers approached this type of situation with your significant other?
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  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    You have to do it for yourself. Once he wants it he will do it.
  • distinctlybeautiful
    distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
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    The hubby and I work out together. I'm really lucky that way.. he wants to support me but has also really gotten into that for himself too. Working out is a consistent thing in our lives now.

    Food-wise, we do our own things. I weigh and log everything. He eats what he wants. We talk about him eating more consciously sometimes and about him losing weight, especially as it relates to his health, but I don't push him. It doesn't do any good.

    So it's like everyone said, he's not going to do it unless he makes a decision to do it. I would suggest, though, that you might be able to get him to do things like walk with you if you take weight loss out of the equation. Movement is for health and feeling good and, in this case, spending time together. Maybe you can suggest a different measure of progress, like walking a little farther or longer each time. Or no measure of progress.. just enjoying each other's company. Just a thought, but I wouldn't push it too hard.
  • MsAmandaNJ
    MsAmandaNJ Posts: 1,248 Member
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    [quote="periphrastic;10469504"
    Should I just stop bothering him and hope my example rubs off on him? It's hard for me to step back and accept that! How have other MFPers approached this type of situation with your significant other?[/quote]

    YES!! Your example will likely make an impression and he'll follow your lead. It may take some time. He needs to see that it is possible to do without losing your mind.

    I've been taking care of myself for 2+ years, finally my husband has come to the conclusion he should too. I don't nag him about it because I know that if he's going to stick with it, it has to be his decision. I go to the gym 6 days a week, eat smaller portions, and make healthier choices and I'm happy. We take a 20 minute walk after dinner most nights (his idea). Just lastnight we talked about revamping our meals, I'm so excited!! It's going to be so much easier with my p.
  • Nrivera9700
    Nrivera9700 Posts: 1 Member
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    I hear ya girl ! I have the same situation at home. My boo won't even park a little far away from the store, just so he won't have a long walk in. I've started meal planning and working out. He agreed to start walking in the afternoons so I joined him even though it's not my thing, just to keep him motivated. But it lasted two weeks. I still every now and then try to get him moving but it's a waste of time. He'll just sit there and watch me workout. My only hope is that it'll click on him on his own, and eventually start his own fitness journey. You can only do so much. Just don't let that make you loose your focus. I've learned to motivate and love my self.
  • octopusplum
    octopusplum Posts: 46 Member
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    You only can change yourself. Try focusing on it as him being there to help motivate you and that you would love his support, and not about him losing weight or being healthier. If he goes that's awesome and some of that will participation will effect him.

    He may feel daunted by your progress, or that you're judging him for how he eats and his lifestyle. If that's the case, he may not want to go work out or exercise. Remind him it's his company you want because you care about him and want him with you on your journey. Then support him when/if he decides to start one on his own.
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
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    I gave up trying to convince my wife to come on this journey with me. If she wants to, she can, if she chooses not to, then I'll keep going myself. As others have said, we only control ourselves and its up to our significant others to decide what is right for them.
  • NEOHgirl
    NEOHgirl Posts: 237 Member
    edited October 2016
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    I've been working on a healthy lifestyle for 8 years. My boyfriend, while not heavy, doesn't live a healthy lifestyle, but over the years has focused on getting more activity in while ignoring his food. Every once in a while, he would tell me he knew he had to get better, and would occasionally ask for my advice, but wouldn't always take it. Well within the the past 2 months he's finally started to take it more seriously, and asked for my help again, but in a more detailed way. He has joined MFP and he is started to do some meal planning. It took a while, but he did finally come around, and my example of working hard and seeing results is what finally prompted him to start making some changes on his own. Hang in there, he will come around when he is ready, it just might take a while. He has to WANT to do it, and be willing to put in the work. Keep feeding him healthy foods when you can, try to plan dates & couple activities that include movement naturally, and lead by example. Good luck, and congrats on your success so far.

    ETA: He and I have not been together for 8 years, it's been almost 6. But my example has definitely inspired him, he just waited until he was willing to do the work to really try it.
  • shhhilo
    shhhilo Posts: 42 Member
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    Yes do it for yourself once he sees you in the grroce of things and sees your changes physically he will jump on your band wagon.
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,712 Member
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    Nagging him about losing weight (as he may see it, not that you are) will drive him away from trying. Be an example and eventually he will join in. Especially if you find things you both enjoy that are active. Go to a paintball range or find a nice park you can walk in. Heck, play Pokemon GO if that's what's needed and you can find a park with stops around it. Just find something to do together and don't emphasize the exercise part. Plan healthy meals and just work that way.
  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
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    periphrastic wrote: »
    He compares my progress to his own [...] it makes him feel like he's failed and there's no point in even trying.
    I tried my best to talk him out of his slump, but I didn't have any luck.

    i selectively clipped what stood out to me. if you 'succeed' you'll 'discourage' him, which is a mindset entirely inside his own head. he makes the decision to compare himself to you and he makes the decision whether to feel inspired or discouraged by it. or just indifferent either way.

    and then too it somehow appears that you're the person who has to 'talk him out' of the discouragement.

    so my thought: it's inappropriate for me to sit here and diagnose, but it looks like there's some responsibility-shifting going on that's putting you in an almost impossible spot. so i just wanted to say that yay if you've decided not to pressure him. but you don't owe him apologies for what you're changing about your own life. you're not responsible for the personal meanings he takes from your stuff.
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,712 Member
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    You obviously care about him, guys don't do subtle but sometimes you have to be subtle for us to respond. Telling me I need to exercise more does nothing. Finding something that I enjoy does more. Just find active activities he enjoys and encourage him to do them. I used to work on cars a lot and while it doesn't seem overly physical for simple stuff it can be.
  • periphrastic
    periphrastic Posts: 25 Member
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    canadianlbs wrote: »
    periphrastic wrote: »
    He compares my progress to his own [...] it makes him feel like he's failed and there's no point in even trying.
    I tried my best to talk him out of his slump, but I didn't have any luck.

    i selectively clipped what stood out to me. if you 'succeed' you'll 'discourage' him, which is a mindset entirely inside his own head. he makes the decision to compare himself to you and he makes the decision whether to feel inspired or discouraged by it. or just indifferent either way.

    and then too it somehow appears that you're the person who has to 'talk him out' of the discouragement.

    so my thought: it's inappropriate for me to sit here and diagnose, but it looks like there's some responsibility-shifting going on that's putting you in an almost impossible spot. so i just wanted to say that yay if you've decided not to pressure him. but you don't owe him apologies for what you're changing about your own life. you're not responsible for the personal meanings he takes from your stuff.

    Interesting point! I think this is a really good reminder that the way we feel may not be other people's fault, but a result of our own internalized issues and insecurities. I'll keep that in mind when trying to understand my guy's resistance. I've noticed that people in general, myself included, tend to default to showing their feelings through reactions, rather than being able to thoughtfully explain them right away. It can be painful and challenging to look inward, especially when someone strikes a chord of your insecurity.
  • periphrastic
    periphrastic Posts: 25 Member
    edited October 2016
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    zorander6 wrote: »
    You obviously care about him, guys don't do subtle but sometimes you have to be subtle for us to respond. Telling me I need to exercise more does nothing. Finding something that I enjoy does more. Just find active activities he enjoys and encourage him to do them. I used to work on cars a lot and while it doesn't seem overly physical for simple stuff it can be.

    I'll keep trying that! Or maybe I'll do fun things he enjoys without him so he'll ask to tag along, haha. :lol:
  • UnicornAmandaPanda
    UnicornAmandaPanda Posts: 161 Member
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    He will do it when he's ready. Keep it up with all your healthy changes though!!!
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
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    My husband is the same. We are both overweight- he has a huge beer belly.

    I have adopted a healthy lifestyle after a health scare and surgery. My focus at first was to just to heal and get healthy, but now that I've done that I'm focused on losing the extra weight and working out to get fit.

    Meanwhile he still loves his beer, cheese, bacon, steak, nachos & fast food - the beer in particularly huge quantities. He also smokes. I've gotten him to cut back the beer & smoking to the weekends- but it's really like half the week since it's Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and he sometimes will start on a Thursday too...

    Whenever I try to push him or even just encourage him he refuses or rebels, and even will get annoyed or upset sometimes. I can't ask him to go with me on a hike or to the gym- that turns into a fight... I have to wait for him to ask if he can go with me. It rarely happens, but it does happen more and more the more progress I make.

    You basically have to do this for you, without him. He may decide at some point to join you, especially if you are sucessful and it inspires him. But until that point you must rely upon yourself.

    Don't worry it's not as daunting as it seems. I actually really love my workouts and feel more strong and independent doing it on my own. And I eat what I eat and he eats what he wants. It works. It's not ideal, but maybe once I get slim & muscular he will want to start joining me at the gym more often ;)
  • nehaad88
    nehaad88 Posts: 159 Member
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    distinctlybeautiful wrote: »


    So it's like everyone said, he's not going to do it unless he makes a decision to do it. I would suggest, though, that you might be able to get him to do things like walk with you if you take weight loss out of the equation. Movement is for health and feeling good and, in this case, spending time together. Maybe you can suggest a different measure of progress, like walking a little farther or longer each time. Or no measure of progress.. just enjoying each other's company. Just a thought, but I wouldn't push it too hard.

    I agree with this. Give him a few days to cool off. Take away the nagging. Keep telling him how wonderful it feels to just walk or workout. Then you can ask if he wants to join. If he does then you can escalate it from there. He needs to figure it out for himself. You can motivate him, but nagging wont help. It will simply put him off working. Whatever you do, do it positively. After all of this, he still disagrees to workout, then just focus on your betterment and let go of the stress. Men are simple in this matter. You pull too hard and they will show resistance. Leave them slack and you continue to move, they will come after you.

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