How to motivate someone

Noreenmarie1234
Noreenmarie1234 Posts: 7,492 Member
in Getting Started
I have a relative who is extremely obese and she claims she has "tried calorie counting" (for a week.....) and it didn't "work" so she gave up and says it won't work. She eats so much ice cream but says "I don't know why I am not losing I gave up ice cream and only eat frozen yogurt". She expects that if she goes on the elliptical a few minutes a day she will rapidly lose weight. She thinks she barely eats anything when she easily eats over 2000 a day. I don't know how to get through to her. She keeps trying to do all these fad diets and then gives up after 3 days if she doesn't see weight loss. I keep trying to explain calories to her and how it takes TIME. It is NOT a diet it is a lifestyle change. You cannot be completely sedentary, eat 3 meals a day plus a pint of ice cream and expect to lose weight. She thinks she should because its "frozen yogurt". I don't know how to get through to her and any help would be appreciated. I was thinking of asking her to post her story and issues on this site asking for advice in hopes that if multiple people tell her what I've been telling her she will see the light.

She went to a weight loss place who told her she isn't losing because she "has the metabolism of a 90 year old" when they did not even do a BMR test.... They just plugged her height and weight into a calorie counting algorithm. I told her it's impossible to say you have the metabolism of a 90 year old without a BMR test, it's just a ploy to get you to buy the $2000 program but she doesn't believe me. It is so frustrating. She is not very educated either (no college), so talking about math and science doesn't register with her.

I am just so worried because I want to help her SOO badly but she doesn't believe me. She thinks she is the exception and doesn't lose weight because she has a "slow metabolism". (She has been checked for hypothyroidism and all other diseases) Her perception of normal eating is so warped I don't know how to show her what is normal. She lives alone and has for years so she doesn't see others daily meals.

Replies

  • abitofbliss
    abitofbliss Posts: 198 Member
    Firstly, I always share this article: http://www.aworkoutroutine.com/how-to-lose-fat/

    Like the other person said... There's not a whole lot you can do to help. Honestly, looking back at when I needed to jump start my weight loss it wasn't until something clicked mentally. No matter what any one said, did, or didn't do - It was my mindset that had to change.

    For me, it took me being around people who successfully, recently, lost a lot of weight in an Advocare meeting a friend brought me to. I didn't go on to partake in Advocare as I know I don't "need" it to lose weight. But going to that first meeting and seeing everyone from all walks of life, all body shapes talk about their journey, how happy they were, how "easy" it was...That's when it clicked for me. It will be different for everyone.
  • Noreenmarie1234
    Noreenmarie1234 Posts: 7,492 Member
    I have invited her to the site but she did not seem interested. If it helps, she is not good with computers, she can barely email, she is 70. I just love her so much and see her complaining about weight and in so much agony and depressed because of it but she won't listen when I try to tell her. She keeps wanting a quick fix or magic program. Thank you guys for the input though, I really appreciate it. I will share that article abiteofbliss.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    You can't make her do it. If she can't get it through her head that it takes patience and time nothing is going to work. She is an adult. It is her choice.
    You might tell her she could have a better quality of life and lose weight while being sedentary eating 3 meals a day and frozen yogurt as long as the calories are correct for her to have a deficit. She doesn't have to dramatically change her diet or lifestyle just lower her calorie intake enough and give it time. Losing 1 lb a week makes a difference.
    Would she see a registered dietician? Would she follow a meal plan you help her make? I would include foods she commonly eats to make it sustainable. Could you show her what portions sizes are okay of her favorite foods to fit a moderate calorie deficit ? Write it out on paper.
    I have an older relative who should do a lot of things because of his serious health condtions that he just won't do. It is frustrating but we can't actually make him do anything. It will shorten his life and that is sad.

  • shellyld2016
    shellyld2016 Posts: 288 Member
    So many people are in the same boat! I agree with cwolfman13, you can't make her see it if she chooses not to. Everyone wants a quick fix. It's either that or they make it all so much more complicated than it really needs to be.
    My grandmother just thought you needed to go hungry. Period. And she did when she needed to lose a bit of weight.
    There are so many different ideas out there. ( I will never take apple cider vinegar shots again)
  • MiniMansell1964
    MiniMansell1964 Posts: 188 Member
    stop wasting your time.
  • durkeemomma
    durkeemomma Posts: 2 Member
    the person needs to buy into it themselves. My husband wants to get of his cholesterol meds. so he asks me to tweak our meals to help that but when I'm not cookiing the diet food goes out the window. I try but He doesn't own the change himself.... a no win situation for me. I think she probably needs medical support and counseling to help change ingrained habits but that won't work either unless she decides to do it.
  • Noreenmarie1234
    Noreenmarie1234 Posts: 7,492 Member
    She keeps saying she is desperate to lose weight but will not take anything I say seriously. I just feel at a loss because she is telling me how depressed she is and I feel like I can't help. It is such a hard situation. Thanks for all the input guys. It's so hard for her because she is used to overeating for decades, so it's almost impossible to change such lifelong habits without a lot of effort.
  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
    I agree with everyone she will have to want it herself.

    Sometimes (not all) when folks are resistant to feedback it's because they really don't want to change yet.

  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »
    She keeps saying she is desperate to lose weight but will not take anything I say seriously. I just feel at a loss because she is telling me how depressed she is and I feel like I can't help. It is such a hard situation. Thanks for all the input guys. It's so hard for her because she is used to overeating for decades, so it's almost impossible to change such lifelong habits without a lot of effort.

    And until SHE is willing to make the effort, you are wasting your breath.

  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »
    She keeps saying she is desperate to lose weight but will not take anything I say seriously. I just feel at a loss because she is telling me how depressed she is and I feel like I can't help. It is such a hard situation. Thanks for all the input guys. It's so hard for her because she is used to overeating for decades, so it's almost impossible to change such lifelong habits without a lot of effort.

    You can't help... she has to want to help herself
  • b3achy
    b3achy Posts: 2,166 Member
    edited November 2016
    As others have said, motivation is an inside thing...you have to want it bad enough to make the change for yourself. You can't do it for someone else.

    My best friend is obese. I tried to tell her about counting calories, and she'd rather do weight watchers for the umpteenth time. Best I can do is be a good example, and wait for her to come to me to ask how I did it. And I'll tell her the same thing I already told her.

    A guy I've been dating needs to lose as well, but he's convinced he can do it with 'healthy eating'. He's not lost a thing and is a bit miserable with the restrictions he's placed on himself. I've told him about counting calories and he completely dismissed it. That tells me he's not serious about losing weight yet. I'm not going to bang my head against the wall trying to convince him that I'm right.

    All I can do is let them live their lives and love on them no matter what. When they are ready to listen, then I can teach them. But they have to be ready. They have to now ask, because I've shut up and I'm busy proving that what I'm doing works. In the mean time, I know they are watching my example. I can be an inspiration, but I can't motivate them.

    So, be an inspiration, and an example. If and when they are ready to get serious, they will ask you for your help.
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
    You can't motivate her, like everybody else said.
    I would just be nice to her.
    You might pick up a program of classes from the local YWCA and give it to her. They might have a class geared for seniors she would enjoy. If she got involved with them, it would be a good place for her to ask questions.
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    A sad truth is people think weight just falls off. It can take some time and effort. That long term effort feels insurmountable. When a huge weight loss is not seen right away these people feel as if they have failed. Then all the dangerous and/or bogus rapid weight loss products out there add to this distorted idea that multiple pounds can be lost quickly and safely and stay off. Family and friends feel afraid to have any kind of open and honest conversation because they don't want to hurt feelings, cause anger, resentment or be perceived as judgmental, holier than thou or a self proclaimed expert who has not a flaw to behold.

    All that being said, maybe she feels lost? Maybe she doesn't really know where to start or how much to eat or how to accurately measure serving sizes or even more importantly how to stop eating once she starts. Maybe offer to help her get her ball rolling. Help her figure out her caloric needs for a 2 pound a week loss, then help her plan her grocery shopping, and how to measure out servings and record her intake so she knows where she is each day. Maybe start her off by determining her current intake. For example if she eats that frozen yogurt weight the carton before and after to show her just how much she is eating. That info paired with what she should eat to lose weight may possibly open her eyes. Maybe offer to go for walks with her to get her exercise off to a start. Are there any other family members, friends or neighbors who would be willing to go for a walk with her? Maybe if she had someone to go out the door with she would be more likely to do it. I know it's a lot to do for someone who may possibly not get on board but maybe if she sees how much you are willing to do to help her she will see it differently.

    When all else fails break out the ugly cry and tell her you don't want to go to her funeral when she keels over from obesity related health complications.
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
    It's possible to find ways to lose weight without understanding any of the science behind energy balance, and it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to do a lot of education with her. People lost weight before calorie counting was a thing, so while it's an incredibly helpful tool, it's really not the only path. I'd think about finding ways to encourage her toward healthier habits without necessarily confronting the misconceptions she already has. For example...

    "You have a slow metabolism? That really stinks; it must make things more difficult for you. Did you know that the easiest way to boost your metabolism is to increase the amount of daily activity you get? Not even with real exercise, just with little things like walking around a little more during the day, or taking a walk around the block in the evening." She doesn't need to understand what metabolism really means, or how it works, in order to get the message that a small increase in daily activity could help her burn more calories. (I realize that she's 70, so I'd really encourage the idea that it's SMALL increases in activity).

    You can also talk about making better food choices without necessarily talking about calories. If her perception is that she "barely eats," I'd wager that she's probably making some calorie-dense food choices and so she may not feel like she's getting full or staying full; talking about calorie counting may make her feel like she has to eat even less food volume. In that case, maybe the concept of volume eating could be a novel concept for her. You could talk about simple food swaps, or about how adding higher-fiber foods could make her feel fuller. What's better than a bowl full of frozen yogurt? Half a bowl of frozen yogurt, with some frozen berries.
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
    PennWalker wrote: »
    You can't motivate her, like everybody else said.
    I would just be nice to her.
    You might pick up a program of classes from the local YWCA and give it to her. They might have a class geared for seniors she would enjoy. If she got involved with them, it would be a good place for her to ask questions.

    Adding to my answer above. Somewhere in this discussion it mentioned this lady is 70 years old. As a general comment, not all 70 year old people are the same -- some are very active people who keep learning while others slow down and start to decline. I am guessing this lady has probably dealt with life this way for a long time.

    To the OP, you obviously care about her, which is the most important thing to let her know. Good luck.
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
    The only thing I can think of is to take time off and do it for and with her for a whole week. Set her stats & calories for her on myfitnesspal. Live with her for a week. Make her food for her, help her weigh it and help her log it, control what she eats... do a weigh in at the start and another at the end of a week. I know it usually takes longer to see weight loss but if she's very obese and if you can get her to stick to her calories for a week she should see some loss- you could even probably set it for 2 pounds loss rate safely since she's very heavy. And give her lower sodium foods so the water weight loss helps make the results seem more dramatic.

    Maybe even have her pay you for your time so she takes it seriously. Ask her to give you a chance to be her weight loss coach for a week before she goes and spends $2000 to have strangers help her. 2 weeks would be better actually, but you can only do so much.

    It still has to be something she agrees to, commits to. But maybe if she sees what she SHOULD be eating, sees you eating that way, feels like she's not alone, has someone there for accountability... it might work.

    Maybe if she allows you to do this and then sees that it actually does work if done properly, maybe she will continue. Maybe she will realize she isn't different- and being in a caloric deficit DOES WORK!

    But if she says no, or if you do all that and it's a success but then she doesn't continue, then that's it- but at least you'll have literally done everything you could possibly do to help.

    This is a pretty extreme approach but it's honestly the only thing I could see maybe working.

    I do feel like people can't really make progress until they are ready, but some people are so far beyond hope that they never will be ready. So you have to help and show them there is still hope.
  • Noreenmarie1234
    Noreenmarie1234 Posts: 7,492 Member
    Wow thank you all for the responses. They were all EXTREMELY helpful, more than I can explain and you have all given me ideas. I am going to incorporate all of your ideas and think about the best way to approach the situation. If I see success I will be sure to come back and let you all know. I really appreciate you all taking the time to provide such thoughtful feedback.
  • ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken
    ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken Posts: 1,530 Member
    Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »
    Wow thank you all for the responses. They were all EXTREMELY helpful, more than I can explain and you have all given me ideas. I am going to incorporate all of your ideas and think about the best way to approach the situation. If I see success I will be sure to come back and let you all know. I really appreciate you all taking the time to provide such thoughtful feedback.

    You are very welcome! She is very fortunate to have someone in her life who is willing to take the time and effort to help her. Many people just walk away or turn a blind eye. If she has you in her corner she is so much more likely to make the change she needs to be healthy!
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    edited November 2016
    Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »
    She keeps saying she is desperate to lose weight but will not take anything I say seriously. I just feel at a loss because she is telling me how depressed she is and I feel like I can't help.

    Then she's just blowing smoke up your butt. And hers. ;)
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
    Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »
    I have invited her to the site but she did not seem interested. If it helps, she is not good with computers, she can barely email, she is 70. I just love her so much and see her complaining about weight and in so much agony and depressed because of it but she won't listen when I try to tell her. She keeps wanting a quick fix or magic program. Thank you guys for the input though, I really appreciate it. I will share that article abiteofbliss.

    At that age she's set in her ways. But at that age she's perhaps experiencing health problems which come with growing old. Is she attending a doctor? What is the doctor saying about all this? Is the doctor commenting on any other aspects of her health? Some people only make changes under "doctor's orders".
  • melaniedscott
    melaniedscott Posts: 1,459 Member
    Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »
    I don't know how to get through to her and any help would be appreciated. I was thinking of asking her to post her story and issues on this site asking for advice in hopes that if multiple people tell her what I've been telling her she will see the light.

    You can't motivate her...only she can do that. But you can ask questions that may result in her motivating herself. Research in motivation and behavior change (Miller/Rollnick, Prochaska/DiClemente, Albert Ellis) all say that the more someone argues for something, the more we resist it. A lot of us on MFP have seen this...someone says how do I do this and people tell them...and the response is "I can't" or "I tried that for 5 minutes and it didn't work" or "I thought about trying it for 5 minutes and it didn't work" or (my favorite) "You just don't understand".

    The best way to motivate someone is to get them to argue for the change. Ask questions about how her weight impacts the quality of life, what she would like to do that she can't. What changes she can make, what her specific perceptions are. She thinks FroYo is better than Ice Cream. She's probably right...but how big a diff is it. There is actually a science to motivational interviewing and it is pretty cool. There is a book called Motivational Interviewing by William Miller and Steve Rollnick. It is very long (warning) and focused primarily on motivating change from the perspective of substance abuse but the techniques are what matter. And, honestly, they work. So well that it is crazy. I do some motivational interviewing for my job and...well.

    I think there are some videos W Miller did on YouTube...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj1BDPBE6Wk that might help.
  • melaniedscott
    melaniedscott Posts: 1,459 Member
    No idea how I got the video to show up...but cool.

    MI might sound like this for weight loss:

    Her: I feel so bad. My weight makes it hard to breathe and get around but I can't lose it.
    You: You're experiencing some health problems because of your weight. Losing weight is hard and it seems impossible.
    Her: Yeah. I've made all these changes. I switched from ice cream to frozen yogurt and I hardly eat. But nothing happens.
    You: What does "hardly eat" look like? How many calories do you think it is?
    Her: Well, I don't ever eat a big meal. I'll have a bowl of frozen yogurt. Or I'll have a snack. I'm hungry a lot but I try to avoid eating a lot at one time. I don't know how many calories. I tried calorie counting once. ONCE. But it didn't work.
    You: When you counted calories, how many were you eating?
    Her: I'm not sure...It is just so hard to figure out what everything weighs. And somethings I let slide. Frozen yogurt...that's pretty low calorie, it doesn't even count. Maybe 2000 calories?
    You: You tried to count calories but it was complicated and you didn't write everything down. You don't think frozen yogurt has very many calories, but you don't know how many...
    Her: Well. Yes. I guess so.
    You: What do you think the benefit of finding out how many calories you actually eat might be?
    Her: What?
    You: If you sat down and counted all your calories, including the yogurt, what do you think you might get out of it. Not cutting out food. Not avoiding meals. Just counting the calories you eat right now. What do you think you might learn?
    Her: I don't know. ..

    There is no actual change. No push to do anything. No judgement. But she's thinking about it. And that's where motivation starts. In our heads.
  • carolinafirefly
    carolinafirefly Posts: 33 Member
    Previous posters are right. She's not going to change until she's ready. All you can do is plant a couple of seeds and let her know you're always open to helping when/if she is ready.

    You said she's sedentary. Does she watch a lot of TV? That British show Secret Eaters is pretty eye-opening about the difference between how many calories we think we're eating and how many we really are eating, and it's pretty fun to watch. She might absorb some of the info more readily since the focus is on "those people" instead of herself and so less threatening to her self-perception. There are a lot of episodes online for free.
  • crzycatlady1
    crzycatlady1 Posts: 1,930 Member
    edited November 2016
    You lead by example and then keep your mouth shut. This method has worked pretty well for me.
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
    carolinafirefly wrote: »
    Previous posters are right. She's not going to change until she's ready. All you can do is plant a couple of seeds and let her know you're always open to helping when/if she is ready.

    You said she's sedentary. Does she watch a lot of TV? That British show Secret Eaters is pretty eye-opening about the difference between how many calories we think we're eating and how many we really are eating, and it's pretty fun to watch. She might absorb some of the info more readily since the focus is on "those people" instead of herself and so less threatening to her self-perception. There are a lot of episodes online for free.

    That's a good show- eye opening.

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