I blew it.

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avskk
avskk Posts: 1,789 Member
in Getting Started
This is my second go-round here on MFP. In 2013 I lost almost 70 pounds and I felt so amazing -- I felt like I was in control of myself, my life, and my body. I could wear straight sizes for the first time in a decade, I didn't hate how I looked in pictures, and I was able to move freely in daily life and exercise moderately without struggle.

And then... I quit. I don't even know why. Around February of 2014 I just lost my drive. In the past couple years I've regained all the weight I lost plus another 30lbs for good measure. I'm fatter than I've ever been and I hate it. I broke my foot in February of this year; I'm still dealing with severe ligament damage, which means exercise is almost impossible for me. On top of that I'm drinking too much (not in an "I'm an alcoholic" way, but in a "this is a bad habit I need to break" way) and eating way too much and too poorly.

I feel like I have no willpower anymore. I can't figure out what's holding me back. I know I'm stressed -- I have two jobs, I'm in grad school, and I'm a single parent -- but I was stressed before and I was able to do this. I feel like making even one good choice is impossible. I feel deprived and anxious and like life is miserable if I even try to tell myself "no" to something, which is ridiculous and childish.

I'm trying to start with just today. Just one day of good choices. I put new batteries in my long-neglected scales (body and food) and I used them this morning. I packed a healthful lunch and snack. I'm going to do my best to either avoid the candy and beer at tonight's celebration, or at least log my consumption accurately and face it honestly. But I'm honestly just really afraid I won't be able to do this -- that I'll rack up another failure and show myself I can't even handle one day.

I guess I just needed to vent, and maybe hear that I should suck it up or something. I'm so frustrated and I feel so ugly and out-of-shape. I miss the me of three years ago and I'm afraid I'll never get back to that point. It all feels impossible.
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Replies

  • marshart
    marshart Posts: 24 Member
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    I feel for you. You are not alone with this situation. One day at a time and begin today and soon each day will again bring progress/changes that reinforce continuing. As I read I am thinking, as you are a mother, that striving to put the same nutritious foods and appropriate portions in their lovely bodies is the same for your precious body. I have been working on maintenance for several years and need to log and think about all calories consumed every day to not slide up too much. A lifelong tool this logging is.
  • Meghanebk
    Meghanebk Posts: 321 Member
    edited October 2016
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    Congratulations on coming back! The important thing is that you keep trying. Don't try to do too much at once. Remember, even if you fail today, you can succeed tomorrow. As long as you keep trying!

    Edit - the best way I found to curb my drinking long term is to log not only the calories of whatever I wanted to drink, but the cost. I'd much rather spend my hard earned money on things besides alcohol when I add that up.
  • mellyo77
    mellyo77 Posts: 214 Member
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    Everyone slips and falls at least once in life.... the most important thing is you are starting again and you have a plan in place. I mess up all the time, but then I re-focus and re-plan (food and exercise). Food is an addiction like anything else - so take it day by day or hour by hour if you have to. Good Luck! Add me if you want :smile:
  • avskk
    avskk Posts: 1,789 Member
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    Thanks, guys. I'm just having a hard time believing what I already know, I guess? It's weird -- I should be confident since I've done this before, but instead I'm just discouraged and mad.
  • druidsapprentice
    druidsapprentice Posts: 22 Member
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    I'm in a similar position. Lost tons of weight before them piled it on with health issues. Broke my foot last year too and I'm still on crutches. Limited mobility and weight just piling on. Decided to give this a go because I'm only fooling myself. I'll make the best of plans then nibble chocolate!!! It's got to stop! So in same boat but hey- we can do this!!!
  • leanjogreen18
    leanjogreen18 Posts: 2,492 Member
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    I've done the same but I sat down and really gave it some thought as to why I "blew it". And it was trying to eat a lifestyle that I couldn't sustain. I would loose weight on a way of eating that was either too restrictive or I assigned good/bad labels to food thus feeling like a bad person when I would eat them, and if I'm bad I might as well be really bad.

    I've since decided I will eat exactly what I want not assigning food into any category. Just looking at food as fuel, some will help me get through the day longer some will be tastier but I will gas out sooner.

    Glad your back and you know you can do this as you already have. Maybe this time focus on how to maintain it? At least thats what I'm doing this time around.
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,712 Member
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    There is no bad food, there is only bad behaviors (except liver, liver is bad for anyone.)
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
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    avskk wrote: »
    This is my second go-round here on MFP. In 2013 I lost almost 70 pounds and I felt so amazing -- I felt like I was in control of myself, my life, and my body. I could wear straight sizes for the first time in a decade, I didn't hate how I looked in pictures, and I was able to move freely in daily life and exercise moderately without struggle.

    And then... I quit. I don't even know why. Around February of 2014 I just lost my drive. In the past couple years I've regained all the weight I lost plus another 30lbs for good measure. I'm fatter than I've ever been and I hate it. I broke my foot in February of this year; I'm still dealing with severe ligament damage, which means exercise is almost impossible for me. On top of that I'm drinking too much (not in an "I'm an alcoholic" way, but in a "this is a bad habit I need to break" way) and eating way too much and too poorly.

    I feel like I have no willpower anymore. I can't figure out what's holding me back. I know I'm stressed -- I have two jobs, I'm in grad school, and I'm a single parent -- but I was stressed before and I was able to do this. I feel like making even one good choice is impossible. I feel deprived and anxious and like life is miserable if I even try to tell myself "no" to something, which is ridiculous and childish.

    I'm trying to start with just today. Just one day of good choices. I put new batteries in my long-neglected scales (body and food) and I used them this morning. I packed a healthful lunch and snack. I'm going to do my best to either avoid the candy and beer at tonight's celebration, or at least log my consumption accurately and face it honestly. But I'm honestly just really afraid I won't be able to do this -- that I'll rack up another failure and show myself I can't even handle one day.

    I guess I just needed to vent, and maybe hear that I should suck it up or something. I'm so frustrated and I feel so ugly and out-of-shape. I miss the me of three years ago and I'm afraid I'll never get back to that point. It all feels impossible.

    Just string a bunch of 'todays' together and you've got this.

    One at a time. :)
  • danem0m
    danem0m Posts: 2 Member
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    Unfortunately, there is no HUG emoticon on here, so here is a big HUG for you.

    You do have a LOT of stressors, so, I was wondering if you'd try something with me (all are welcome to join in!)? EVERY time we make a good food/drink decision, let's do a HAPPY DANCE. Let's think about each other at that time and do it until we're winded! Hide in another room if you're embarrassed, but let's just do it - TOGETHER. It is self-affirming, a happy form of exercise and releases endorphins, which improves mood and decreases appetite.

    Instead of counting calories, counting pounds, counting defeats - let's count those little dances. Every minute of every day. We can record our happy dances here and celebrate those moment together.

    You're not alone. We're all here to help.
  • kristikitter
    kristikitter Posts: 602 Member
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    Hey! I hear you! I worked really hard on my fitness and diet a few years back, took up running, the whole shebang. Changed jobs, got too comfy, and I've gained a bunch of weight and I'm the heaviest I've ever been.

    And MAN I AM PISSED. You are too. We worked so damned hard in the cold, sweating, watching what we ate, then boom, all gone.

    But we just have to do it again. That's it. No magic pill. Just hard, hard work. Hard - but not impossible.
  • PoundChaser2
    PoundChaser2 Posts: 241 Member
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    Your not alone. I had my thyroid removed 3 weeks ago and I feel like a giant magnent that walks around collecting pounds its flipping annoying and mentally I can't get off the crazy train either.....grrr
  • neldabg
    neldabg Posts: 1,452 Member
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    avskk wrote: »
    You guys are so great. Thank you.

    I've got a good week under my belt. I stayed within my calorie goal, I chose better foods, all of that. I'm feeling a lot better about all of this. It was the first steps that were driving me crazy -- for a while there I felt like I'd never be able to make good choices again. I don't know what flipped the switch, but I suspect it was getting all the ugliness out and reading your kind replies. So, again, thank you. <3

    Nice work! I'm so happy that you've picked yourself up. I always get a little sad whenever I read that a person has regained and then given up completely. Keep it up, and keep the community updated on your progress. :)
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,473 Member
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    well get tough and strong and back at it. some days do suck! go go go!
  • jadefitnow
    jadefitnow Posts: 47 Member
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    it creeps up doesn't it? I eat badly one day, am afraid to face the consequences, and all of a sudden I string a bunch of denial together into pounds. I KNOW how hard it is- and how hard that first step is!! I was a single mom, in grad school, struggling to keep it all going, and it's really hard- but you're doing it!! Just know- you can!

    Welcome back and good for you!
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
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    Is there a possibility of seeing a dietitian or nutritionist? They can help you sort it out.
  • kshatriyo
    kshatriyo Posts: 134 Member
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    you made the first step in coming back to look at what happened. Move forward and be excited because you have done this before and know you can do it again. Also, understand that you might not be exactly the same person you were three years ago. People change, their bodies change. Maybe you need to do something different this time. Take baby steps and learn from each and every little thing you observe in yourself. Nurture yourself; understand yourself. Remember how you felt before and why. Try to recreate the same thing in your life.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
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    Welcome back! The first step in the right direction is all that is required. Kids will model your behavior, so it is critical that you lead by example for your child - if you need any other reason for success look no further.

    I look forward to reading your success story post.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
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    avskk wrote: »
    You guys are so great. Thank you.

    I've got a good week under my belt. I stayed within my calorie goal, I chose better foods, all of that. I'm feeling a lot better about all of this. It was the first steps that were driving me crazy -- for a while there I felt like I'd never be able to make good choices again. I don't know what flipped the switch, but I suspect it was getting all the ugliness out and reading your kind replies. So, again, thank you. <3

    Good to hear!

    And don't forget that you are miles ahead of someone that's taking their first stab at weight management.

    You know how to log, you've weeded out all the derp and the woo, and you already *know* that a calorie deficit works brilliantly. :)

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