Stuck in hotel room with my feeder mother, Debbie Downer
Pierre_is_a_cat
Posts: 89 Member
My mother and I are staying in a foreign city for Christmas. She is prone to negativity at the best of times, but being away from bingo, her cats and in a developing country isn't proving an enjoyable experience for her. I feel an enormous sense of guilt that she's not enjoying herself ("the coffee is cold, the room view sucks, there are too many motorbikes, the language is different, it's dirty, the theatre seats are too far back"). I spent the first five days scrambling to keep her entertained, trying to guess what would please her (eating junk food seems to be about it), the last two days I have simply kowtowed to her wishes and although it seems to irritate her when I answer every question with 'whatever you'd like to do, ma' -- it's up to you' it's been easier for me than than guessing what she wants. I do want her to be happy, I want her to have a good holiday and create nice memories, and I especially want to be grateful for time spent with mum -- I know a lot of people don't get this kind of chance. The constant tide of negativity has worn me down though.
On an intellectual level, I recognize I'm responsible for my own emotions and experience of the world, however I can't shake this feeling of utter sadness, and it's manifesting through self-punishing binge eating. Mum's always been a feeder (she's obese class i herself) and I have sunk back into eating terrible habits partly to block the torment, and partly because at least then she's happy and doesn't scowl. I've gone from consistently (months and months!) of eating around 1200 cals a day (whole foods, vegan, intermittent fasting) to a maddening gluttony of 3000 cals a day stuffed with chocolate brownies, ice cream, and white bread.
In another three days we go back to our normal lives, so theoretically this will all be over soon. But I'm begging for some kind words, some positivity, and maybe some gentle reassurance that this isn't the undoing of all my hard work. I don't think I can change my mother (I can only try to look after her), but I want to know that I can choose to change myself, right? I can pick up where I left off and this *kitten*, disordered relationship with food doesn't need to control my life? I grew up an obese child, and only recently got down to my lowest adult weight ever -- just 3kg above my maximum suggested BMI. I'm so frightened of getting back on the scales once I get home.
TL/DR -- chocolate brownies antidote to cranky mother; send fruit/reality check ASAP?
On an intellectual level, I recognize I'm responsible for my own emotions and experience of the world, however I can't shake this feeling of utter sadness, and it's manifesting through self-punishing binge eating. Mum's always been a feeder (she's obese class i herself) and I have sunk back into eating terrible habits partly to block the torment, and partly because at least then she's happy and doesn't scowl. I've gone from consistently (months and months!) of eating around 1200 cals a day (whole foods, vegan, intermittent fasting) to a maddening gluttony of 3000 cals a day stuffed with chocolate brownies, ice cream, and white bread.
In another three days we go back to our normal lives, so theoretically this will all be over soon. But I'm begging for some kind words, some positivity, and maybe some gentle reassurance that this isn't the undoing of all my hard work. I don't think I can change my mother (I can only try to look after her), but I want to know that I can choose to change myself, right? I can pick up where I left off and this *kitten*, disordered relationship with food doesn't need to control my life? I grew up an obese child, and only recently got down to my lowest adult weight ever -- just 3kg above my maximum suggested BMI. I'm so frightened of getting back on the scales once I get home.
TL/DR -- chocolate brownies antidote to cranky mother; send fruit/reality check ASAP?
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Replies
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You're on holiday, relax and try not to worry too much about the food. As you said, once you get back home you can get straight back on track, and that's the most important thing. No putting it off, just get right back to it and any weight gained will fall off pretty quickly (a good percentage of it will just be water). I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with your mom on holiday, I'd be pretty fed up as well--but try to enjoy what's left of it without adding MORE stress to your plate!
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Read WinoGelato's thread "Who gained weight during the holidays". You'll find alot of good information for your situation. I'm sorry your mom isn't a happy person, but some people just are that way. You may need consuling to learn how to handle you feelings with her. Good luck.2
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HI ladies, just wanted to thank you both tremendously for your replies. It means the world and offers a lots of perspective. 1
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I feel for you it's so difficult to be surrounded by negativity. Especially when you are on
Holiday. I hope the scales will be kind to youbut you sound like a string person who can switch this around when you get home. Good luck.2 -
Adulting 101: You are not responsible for, nor can you control, anyone else's happiness but your own.
Say it until you believe it.
Mother / daughter relationships are complex. I understand loving your mother and wanted her to have a good holiday, but some people are just negative people and won't be pleased no matter what you do. You can't control another person's happiness nor should you try to. It's draining.
I would focus on being my normal happy upbeat self and try to take her comments with a grain of salt.11 -
Be patient with yourself and be as patient as you can with your Mother. Definitely get right back on track when holiday is over, but you are wise to make some of the choices you have made. Someday she will be gone and you will never regret the times you took to be kind and attempt to understand her. As time goes on those memories will be all you have. Ask me how I know. :-(3
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OMG! Your mom sounds exactly like mine. Nothing, repeat NOTHING, makes her happy. I always say that if she won $250 million in the Powerball lottery, she'd complain endlessly because she had to drive to the Lotto office 30 miles away. After all these years, I have just decided that I can't fix her attitude. All I can do is try not to turn into her as I get older.
All you can really do is try to preserve a few shreds of your sanity to limp away with after your vacation is over. You mentioned eating 3000 calories per day. Even if you don't cut out the sweets 100%, can you cut back a little? You might feel better if you can say to yourself "I could have done much worse today." And make a solid food / exercise plan for when you get back to your normal life. I hope you can salvage at least a few happy memories from your trip!9 -
I'm of the camp that says don't fret it. On holidays, I prepare myself for eating badly and then just get back on the horse afterwards. When I was younger, I used to make the mistake of thinking I'd blown it and keep eating badly, for months.....
Once you learn you are in control, it becomes easier to have a blow out. It's tough the first time though, as you worry you won't get control back.
It sounds like you're handling your mother well to be honest. You know her failings. She's a whole different person from you. My mother is lovely, but she's a lifelong pessimist. She's who she is, and can't change. It took me a long time, but I got used to appreciating that I love her anyway. Decide either to cut back on some extras for eating, or decide that when you step foot home, you're back to your regular way of life, without guilt for your time away.
I hope you manage to enjoy the time you have left.
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My mother has badgered me about my weight since I was in grade school - probably since about 5th-6th grade. I've just turned 50 this year. It has bothered me all my life that the only thing on her mind (or so it seems) is my weight. Everything conversation revolves around what I eat, what I do with my time, if I'm going to the gym, and she goes to my husband behind my back to tell him to quit enabling me (he doesn't).
I also remember a friend of mine who we nick-named "Grump". She always wanted to lose weight and could find fault with everything. She used to gripe at me because I was the one "always making plans for the weekend with our friends". She wanted to be the one to do that. SO I'd "fall back" to let her, and then nothing would happen and everybody would get aggravated.
I know I'm saying this about my own mother too - but there are some people that you just have to limit your time with them. Being around negative stinking thinking people will draw you down to their level.
It's so important to be so careful of your "input"....whatever you're paying attention to whether it's the news, the movies you watch, the people you hang around with. It's really come down to a "If it isn't helping you then it could be hurting you" or your efforts, particularly in the weight loss area.
Like you said - you can't change her, but you can change you - or the amount of time you spend with her or talking to her. Not saying to cut her out - just be mindful of it. It's taking care of yourself.2 -
It's very sweet that you indulge your mother and take a bit of sacrifice of your own schedule and habits. Just get back to your own thing and know that you will likely not regret it later on when she can no longer travel, etc.4
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Only three days till the holiday is over..so for both your sakes try and make the best of it.
Drink more water.. bottled would probably be best.
To be frank your Mother might be getting on your nerves with her negativity, but anyone would feel like they are being patronised if you constantly answer with "whatever you want to do Ma"
Try to be a bit more positive and give her a choice of two options and its good to say what you would like to do too..parents of adult children sometimes feel they are just given lip service without their child being engaged in the discussion or activity, as well meaning as you are and want her to enjoy herself, if she feels she is being tolerated rather than appreciated all your efforts will be for nothing.
You will get over this hurdle and get back to normal.4 -
They say stress is contagious. (Ref below). So you aren't weak for struggling while you are away with Madame Downer. And there is every reason to believe that once you get back to your normal life that you will immediately start chipping away at any weight gained. You're in a stressful situation, the last thing you need is to be down on yourself.
http://time.com/84080/stress-contagious/1 -
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Don't worry. You've already set the stage for brilliant success with your amazing home habits. Parents are absolutely maddening; that's why we leave home! Worst of all, we can't change them! This blip won't make much difference at all in the long term.2
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Also, you're obviously an intelligent, articulate, and extremely caring person - there's a lot more to you than just the number on the scale (but still, I feel ya 2
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First of all, I applaud you for making the decision to go on this vacation with your mother. Despite her negativity, you made the hopeful decision to travel with her and try to share what I'm sure you thought would be a good experience with her. That was an act of love you should be proud of no matter what the consequences have been. You probably even thought the trip would help take her out of her negativity and possibly improve your relationship with her so the fact that it hasn't accomplished that at all is understandably causing you grief. I think it's okay to feel the sadness. You don't need to talk yourself out of it.
Can you and your mom handle having a direct conversation about this? Either now before the trip ends or once you get home? You had hoped she would have fun with you by going on the trip. Perhaps you can start by focusing on that and then point out she didn't seem to enjoy it that much and ask her if she would prefer to spend time with you closer to home or in some other way? If nothing else comes out of it, you will have some clarity about what to do going forward.
With regard to food, I agree with others that as long as you get right back to your healthy habits when you return, you will be in good shape. Do not despair about that. A few bad days will not undo months of being on track. I do find it helpful in these circumstances is to remember all the things I dislike about eating in an uncontrolled manner-feeling bloated and stuffed, experiencing digestive issues, never feeling true hunger or satiety, and just the general feeling of grossness! It helps make the first few days of reducing calories again feel like a welcome relief instead of a penance.2 -
Oh, you sweet souls for taking the time to write, each and every one of you. I can't begin to tell you how much it bouys the spirits to have a little external input -- it really does realign perspective.
Thank you for your random acts of kindness for a stranger.
You're all correct in what you say, of course. It's a blip and I will get back to my habits this coming week. I think too, like some have said, I'll not ever regret this time once mum's too old to travel. That's possibly the biggest wake up call, really -- I'm not going remember (much less regret!) the KitKat I just ate, but I will remember the time mum and I lined up for two hours to see the embalmed body of a deceased dictator in the tropics.
It has been really comforting to hear the stories of those of you who also have pessimistic mothers. Perhaps I have a Disneyesque ideal of what a mother-daughter relationship should be, so it's helpful to know that this less polished version of family life is ok too. I definitely ain't no Ariel, so I probably shouldn't expect my relationship with mum to be a fairytale either!
So, as I undo the button on my jeans, feeling slightly sugar hazed, I also feel grateful that I get this time with mum.
Onwards and downwards (on the scales!), my friends.
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The poor woman was talked into visiting a "developing country" whose language is not her own. She's probably saying to herself Oh God. What The Hell Did I Agree To Here? She's cranky. Who can blame her. Not everyone's a natural born globe trotter looking for international thrills. What's she supposed to do, skip down the street in order to avoid being labeled negative and pessimistic on the internet? You're subtly making fun of her too for preferring the pleasures of home, which rather benignly include bingo, familiar comfort food and cats. Not nice. Next time if you want to make her happy, give her what she wants and what's in line with her interests and her comfort zone. Not what you want to give her.
You'd have made an excellent point, except that this holiday and destination was my mother's idea. In fact, it was even her idea that we plan nothing in advanced and just 'wing it' once here, hence me scrambling to work out what she wanted for the first few days. To her credit, mum's travelled to developing countries before and done quite well and always reminisced fondly. Since the death of my father she's often asked me to accompany her on trips as a companion, though I most often decline.
In her defence, she really does miss her cats and bingo -- they are not benign interests, they are her legitimate *passions*!! We just got done with time spent looking at photos of her cats on the iPad, and at lunch today she waxed lyrical with 'I'd usually be at bingo this time of day!'. It's ok if they're her interests in life! Mine are the nearly the same (cats, drawing and poetry!) I'd never promote the idea of international travel and cats being diametrically opposed on some arbitrary 'awesome!' scale; people love what people love.
Be kind, stranger. I reiterate - I want my mother to have a good time, and I want to look after her. I'm just not sure how to do that and preserve myself. I hope you're having an ok day, wherever you are in the world. Happy New Year to you.
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So sorry that you and your mom are not enjoying the vacation (as you hoped).
I remember the first time I visited a country outside the USA, I had experienced some culture shock, jet lag, and just fumbling around with the language, the money exchange, negotiating my way around the cities...etc. I was 30 years old, and was visiting Italy with my older sister and my 5 year old niece. It is a beautiful country....but missed my country like crazy, esp. wanting a normal breakfast of eggs and bacon....(it seemed that breakfast over there was recycled rolls and strong coffee) and my language. Normally positive, I am sure that I groused a little bit when on vacation. Maybe being already somewhat negative, the environment really set her off.
You will be surprised probably...she will tell her friends that she had a wonderful time and that it will be a vacation that she will always remember.
You will do fine when you get back....there is always a weight gain for most of us after vacations. Most of it water weight that will come off in a couple of weeks.
Be strong and enjoy your time with your mother.
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You will be surprised probably...she will tell her friends that she had a wonderful time and that it will be a vacation that she will always remember.
There's wisdom in this -- you know, we Facetimed back home to my sister and niece, and mum went on and on about how amazed she was by the buildings, how funny it was to try to cross the road, and talked about some of the landmarks we'd visited. Perhaps she just needs processing time?
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Your mom sounds like she may have had a vision of the "perfect" holiday vacation to spend with you. Then once you arrived at your destination, things are not going according to her idea of what "perfect" might be. Thus, she is cranky and complains of missing home and her normal routine. It also sounds like she is used to being a food pusher (comforting herself and others through food).
If you can, try to increase your time walking and drink more water. You probably would not be able to get her to enjoy exercising if she never has. You can control your behavior, but not hers. It is hard; if she is always critical of you, she won't change overnight. Try to make a solid plan for when you return home, including exercise and sleep. Not saying that your mom is a negative person, but if you think that she is (or any other relatives or friends are), limit your contact with them once you get back home. Surround yourself with positive people who will build you up, not constantly criticize you.2 -
Pierre_is_a_cat wrote: »My mother and I are staying in a foreign city for Christmas. She is prone to negativity at the best of times, but being away from bingo, her cats and in a developing country isn't proving an enjoyable experience for her. I feel an enormous sense of guilt that she's not enjoying herself ("the coffee is cold, the room view sucks, there are too many motorbikes, the language is different, it's dirty, the theatre seats are too far back"). I spent the first five days scrambling to keep her entertained, trying to guess what would please her (eating junk food seems to be about it), the last two days I have simply kowtowed to her wishes and although it seems to irritate her when I answer every question with 'whatever you'd like to do, ma' -- it's up to you' it's been easier for me than than guessing what she wants. I do want her to be happy, I want her to have a good holiday and create nice memories, and I especially want to be grateful for time spent with mum -- I know a lot of people don't get this kind of chance. The constant tide of negativity has worn me down though.
On an intellectual level, I recognize I'm responsible for my own emotions and experience of the world, however I can't shake this feeling of utter sadness, and it's manifesting through self-punishing binge eating. Mum's always been a feeder (she's obese class i herself) and I have sunk back into eating terrible habits partly to block the torment, and partly because at least then she's happy and doesn't scowl. I've gone from consistently (months and months!) of eating around 1200 cals a day (whole foods, vegan, intermittent fasting) to a maddening gluttony of 3000 cals a day stuffed with chocolate brownies, ice cream, and white bread.
In another three days we go back to our normal lives, so theoretically this will all be over soon. But I'm begging for some kind words, some positivity, and maybe some gentle reassurance that this isn't the undoing of all my hard work. I don't think I can change my mother (I can only try to look after her), but I want to know that I can choose to change myself, right? I can pick up where I left off and this *kitten*, disordered relationship with food doesn't need to control my life? I grew up an obese child, and only recently got down to my lowest adult weight ever -- just 3kg above my maximum suggested BMI. I'm so frightened of getting back on the scales once I get home.
TL/DR -- chocolate brownies antidote to cranky mother; send fruit/reality check ASAP?
you are not responsible for another persons happiness. you cannot change anyone but yourself. have a good time and if she choose to be miserable it is her choice. if you are enjoying yourself then continue. remember nothing lasts forever, even though it may feel like it when you get back you can do whatever you need to do to make your eating work for you don't beat yourself up...just continue as you were b4 this trip. sometimes it is good to set boundaries for people who are toxic to us. not walls, but maybe i cant be AROUND YOU BECAUSE...?
DON'T BE MEAN, BUT MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE NO ON ELSE WILL. KEEP ON THE PATH TO HEALTH AND HAPPINESS IN THIS NEW YEAR! STAY AWAY FROM THE SCALE FOR AWHILE TILL YOU ARE BACK IN YOUR ROUTINE. I DO NOT LIKE THE SCALE. I DON'T WANT A NUMBER TO DEFINE ME. I GO BY HOW MY CLOTHES FIT AND HOW MY BODY LOOKS. I AM VERY MUSCULAR, AS I LOVE YOGA, BUT THAT MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE....AND I TEND TO SHAME MYSELF FOR WHAT A NUMBER SAYS. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. JUST SHARING MY ADVENTURE. IT IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY!1 -
This is a case of setting boundaries.
http://davidkflowers.com/2013/03/boundaries-with-toxic-parents/
Cuba must be a fascinating place. Is there anything you want to see before you leave? I suggest you pad your mother with enough food to keep her quiet and get out to see those things you really want to see before you go.
Don't get sucked in to any more unplanned vacations with your mom, and be clear what you will and won't accept while vacationing together. If she ignores your needs, get separate rooms.1 -
Could you try Sneaky Exercise! Google some nearby interesting things and be like "hey, mum check out this great thing. Lets go for a walk and see what it's like." or if there are local markets, do a few "just browsing" laps and burn a few extra calories. That way it's not exercise to her, it's memories made and you get to feel a bit better. She might have it in her head that food=happiness and she wants you to be happy, therefore in her mind feeding you makes you happy...the weight will come off once you get home, it won't be as bad as you think.
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@Pierre_is_a_cat
That you can maintain what appears to be such a wonderful attitude around negativity speaks volumes about you, all of it good.
My Grandmother could make the Pope cry and run for cover
The best way to handle the onslaught was to never ever miss a chance to smile at her, tell her how good she looked, how awesome she was and how great it was to spend time with her. She would literally be speechless, and on occasion even forget herself for a moment and crack a smile lol. And she really did have a beautiful smile.
Fighting fire with love and selective hearing, it really works
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I'm kinda wondering if your mother of today is not entirely the mother who enjoyed world travelling BEFORE THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER. I think this is key. I'm thinking your mother may still be grieving, and may well be very depressed--and not even travelling to an exotic location has got her out of this.
In depression (temporary or otherwise) things that were enjoyable may not be anymore. Indecision and trouble making good decisions are very, very common. There's a longing for the familiar and an intolerance for minor irritants. A person may be very passive, too. There are a lot of very probable symptoms of depression here!
Now, where does this leave you? Your intentions were good, certainly. But now you're stuck with a stick-in-the-mud whom you dearly love, but is also ruining your precious time, money, and so on.
My thought is simply to figure out how to make the best of things. It may be best to cut your losses and return early--I don't know if that's a possibility.
I think it's also fair to put up some healthy boundaries and expectations. After all, you came to vacation to explore and sightsee and have a good time. It's not fair for her to expect YOU not to do these things even if SHE does not want to. She isn't sick and doesn't need you to stay with you in the hotel room. You're a grown woman and decides what and when to eat...yes she's your mother but you aren't a fifth grader anymore, either. Even if she is depressed and has control issues with you, that doesn't mean you have to cater to that.
If bailing on the vacation isn't an option, I'd simply decide what I want to do independently of HER. What I would do is simply state, "Mom, I love you. And I'm sorry you're not having a good time. But I came here to go on vacation and there are things I want to do here. Today I'd like to do (X) and (Y). You can come with me, or not. I'd love to have you do these things, but if not, that's OK too. If you can think of something you'd like to do together, I'd love to hear it and plan it. But if not, that's OK too. After I do (X) today, I'll come back here and check in with you and have lunch."
She may very well try to guilt or manipulate you. She may want you to play into a narrative or sad story. But you have every right to enjoy your vacation. Even if depressed, she has free choice about how she chooses to spend her time.
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I hate vacations, unless it's with my wife.
Vacation with mom is a bad idea because:
1. She can't go places
2. Cannot walk as fast as you
3. Cannot go zip lining
4. Cannot booze or eat anywhere you want
Hurry back home and start over.
I have tried so many times to get my daughter to go zip lining with me. Doesn't work.
OP, I'm sorry you and your mother are having a miserable vacation. If you only have three days left, just wait it out. Terrible vacations happen, there's no need to "punish" yourself or binge eat or, tbh, not just leave your mother in the hotel room and go out and enjoy yourself. But I wouldn't advise going on vacation with her again until you've sat her down and said something to the effect of "Mom, I know you were really miserable when we went to Country X, so let's do some planning so we can figure out how to keep that from happening again."
Your mother will get too old to travel, it's true. Parents do that. But when she gets to that stage - and I have to be honest, it sounds more than a little like she's gotten there already - would you rather look back and say "We went on twenty trips and she was a miserable pain in the *kitten* for every one of them" or "Mom just didn't enjoy traveling all that much after a while, so we stayed closer to home and did things that made us both happy"? Traveling is great but it's not something you undertake lightly, or something you do just to say you've done it. If you're miserable, it's not worth it.0 -
My mother and I chose different lifestyles (mine without alcohol, pot, and pedaphiles or physically abusive men).
We parted ways about 16 years ago. She was very difficult to deal with no matter how hard I tried, just an emotional leech, and condensending. Which kinda sounds like my husband..... So I didn't escape that....
Enjoy it the best you can. Sounds like maybe your trying to hard.0 -
Thought I’d update you all, as I know I always appreciate hearing ‘how things worked out’ when reading threads on various message boards. Mum and I parted ways yesterday morning, and life is getting back to normal.
Although we were still together, from the start of the New Year I regained control of calorie tracking and was diligent choosing what I put in my body. Rebreaking the sugar addiction has been difficult, though I know from past experience that crowding out the ‘bad’ foods with fruits and vegetables is the key to me eating clean. Also, for what it’s worth, after 4 days of eating around the 4000 calorie mark, I hoped on my scales at home with only 2kg (4lb) gain to show for it. I am not worried about it, and I know I can work my way back down to where I want to be in the next month -- it’s empowering to know I can still incorporate calorie surges into the management of my diet, enjoy it, recover, and continue to work toward my goals.
Although I will never travel with my mother again, I still love her for all her foibles (as she does me mine, I know I have many). I guess in the intricacies of the human condition are woven the beautiful and the ugly and in the end that’s what makes us truly electric.
Gratitude to you all for your insight and opinions, truly. I know I am just a stranger and words on a screen, but you were each a genuine source of support and perspective for me. Wishing you all a wonderful 2017.
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Thanks for the update! I love your positivity. Reading your posts are a pleasure! All the best to you, internet stranger.
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