Anti-Support?

Mallory0418 · July 2011

So I have been over weight for quite a few years and come from a family of larger people. In the last couple of years however, I've lost about 50 lbs and am still going. I have about 30 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight be in a "healthy" weight ratio for my height. But I'm finally starting to feel good about myself and I feel healthy! I'm 5'8" and currently weigh 174 lbs. I'm really proud of what I've accomplished but, for some reason, I'm not keeping the support I once got from my parents anymore. I moved away with my husband a couple of years ago so the last time I saw my parents, I was about 25 lbs heavier than what I am now. The only comment that was made about my weight loss was "Ugh, look how skinny she is..." I'm not looking for compliments from people about my weight loss but what is the point of a comment like that?

Then, when I was talking to my mom on the phone a few weeks later, I was telling her about a plateau I was trying to push through and she proceeds to lecture me on how I'm going too far with this weight loss and shouldn't keep trying to lose any more. If this was the first time I had heard this from her, that would be one thing, but it seems every time I mention anything about exercising or what not she gets huffy with me. I really can't understand why they are being like this. At the weight I am now, I'm still considered overweight for my height. Plus, I'm clearly still definitely not a "small" person so I really can't figure out where their concern is coming from...

This is so frustrating! Any advice?

melaniecheeks · July 2011

Why are you talking to her about your weight loss, plateaux etc? If you know its a sensitive subject, can you skirt around it?

fitkyriel · July 2011

Maybe she is just scared of change.

A lot of people will say she is jealous on the inside because she isn't able to accomplish things like you were able to. You know what I mean? So maybe since they are "jealous" of it, they are tired of hearing about it?

ivansmomma · July 2011

If she is used to seeing you overweight, having a big change such as this changes the whole perspective when she sees you. Do this for you, and as one poster said, if it is a sensitive subject with your family, don't talk to them about it. I know you would like their support, but I'm sure there are friends you have who could continue to encourage you. Take care.

Lauriee2014 · July 2011

If you come from a family of larger people, perhaps when they see your success, they are looking at themselves as failures. Instead of focusing on you and supporting your hard work and effort, they are focusing on themselves, and feeling poorly about themselves. Just a thought.

Perhaps it's best to talk about your health and fitness with those you know will support you fully, and talk about other things with your family who are less than encouraging?

For me, I have a fairly fit family. My brothers are very encouraging and comment when they see me how good I look and to keep it up. It's not meant to be a shallow compliment, but to say "hey I notice.. good job!". What I really wanted was my dad to say something, which he didn't. Then one day we crossed paths in the grocery store, he came up to me with this big grin on his face. When I asked him what was up, he said, "Wow. You really HAVE lost a lot of weight." [At this point, I'd quit thinking so much about his approval and tried to focus on my goal. So I was able to smile, and joke back...] "See? I told you!"

He said, I usually see you in my house and it's too close to really notice. But seeing you from down the aisle I can see how much smaller you are. It was a great moment for me.

Hopefully, one day, you will get that kind of moment from your family. But we can't let it make or break us. Sometimes the support we want most, comes from the place we'd least expect.

:flowerforyou:

kappyd · July 2011

You said that you are from a large family, maybe with you losing weight they are not feel so great about their weight,

camille97 · July 2011

I think you simply need to have a good, long conversation about it. Let your family know they either need to support you, or shut up about it. Perhaps they simply have a different lifestyle and don't like you leading a different one.

peanut613 · July 2011

I can kinda relate. My mom and I are the only big ones in our family (father and brother are both active duty military and physically fit, sister is on drugs and underweight...) She lost over 100lbs and looked great, but then slowly gained it back and is more or less back to her starting point.

I'm 5'3" and started MFP at 175, which was my heaviest. I'm down to about 160 now, and am aiming for 125-130 (which is the average healthy weight for my height). I've talked to my mom about the site, the dieting, my new workouts I try, my mini-goals, my successes, etc. We're very close and talk a lot. Since this has become a big part of my life, it has come up several times. She usually changes the subject or has flat out said that my daily calorie goals are too low. (Now, they ARE low...I shoot for 1200 a day because I am aiming for -2lbs/week. But I don't net 500 or anything crazy low.)

It hurts to not have support from the people that you're closest to, but I guess that just makes MFP and the people who ARE supportive all the more important. Good luck with your weight loss journey!

srp2011 · July 2011

Maybe she is just scared of change.

A lot of people will say she is jealous on the inside because she isn't able to accomplish things like you were able to. You know what I mean? So maybe since they are "jealous" of it, they are tired of hearing about it?

Ditto this - a lot of people are very threatened when the people they are close to change, even if it is a positive change. It's incredibly common for family and friends to subconsciously try to sabotage people who are making positive changes in their lives because they are afraid of how the change may affect them. And you said your family is generally 'larger', so it is likely that seeing your success makes them acutely aware of their own failures. For some people, the only way they can feel good about themselves is by bringing other people down. Try to ignore them, and focus on your own goals and successes - you've done amazing and have come a long way - surround yourself with positive people, and minimize the time you have to spend around people who spew negative energy. Winners support other people in reaching their goals. The other group of people - well, just avoid them when possible.

kaitedid · July 2011

I hear the same things from different people in my family..."you don't want to lose much more", and "can't you skip Zumba tonight?", or "by the time you're done, you're going to look sick"...REALLY!!! I still have 40 pounds to lose, and believe me I have enough to lose it! I just tell them "OK" and go about my business :laugh: I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me...just don't talk about it anymore with the people who can't get behind you on it!

congrats on your weight loss!! It's a hard road, but you're doing great!!!

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Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Nutrition Facts For Foods

pauljsolie · July 2011

They are commonly referred to as "DIET BULLIES". Subconsciously they want you to fail. Often it will be another overweight person that does this to you. I've got several in my life. They seem to be jealous of my progress and seem to be curious about how I did it. When I tell them counting calories and exercise and tell them about MFP, they get pissy and say that won't work for them and MFP is a gimmick. I just laugh and say maybe you're right. I don't let it bother me anymore. I used to think, why are you people wanting to be my friend now and not before when I was 50 pounds heavier? Well I may not like it and you may not like it but the simple fact is that most people want to be around healthy people and there is a definite "bias" against overweight people. I think the diet bullies just want as many people around them that are just as miserable. What is the old saying "misery likes company". You can't disassociate yourself from your family but you can certainly limit what you will allow them to say to you. I'd stand up for yourself. Good luck and great progress to date. Don't let the bullies get to you.

ritafay2011 · July 2011

:grumble: :flowerforyou: your family can be your worst critics!!!!...great job on your weight loss!!!!!!!!

janemartin02 · July 2011

HI!sometimes we don`t get the support we would like to from our family.
What you are doing for you.Be proud of what youve done.
jane:drinker:

Avalonis · July 2011

I haven't even told my family that I am working out all the time or getting in shape, for this very reason. Last time I started, they called me "Obsessive" and said I was being too freaky about it.

They will see me when they see me.

F*** em all. It's my life, and I am totally healthy and in as good of condition as when I was working on the farm.

rhoneybourne · July 2011

I have tried for many years to get people in my life to explain 'why they do' what they do. They are not the people to ask

It is completely reasonable to eat healthily to get your weight how YOU would like it within the recommended BMI range; end of story

ChrisPlantz · July 2011

I know exactly how you are feeling. It is hard not having the support from our loved ones. We want to share with them the struggle, hard work and the determination we have accomplished through our challenge. We are hoping for encouragement and all we get is a blockade. I want to share my weight loss with my husband and older daughter (who are very big). It seems neither one of them are happy about it. I have had negative comments made by them both. But on the other hand I have one son who is encouraging me all the way. The way I handle it is to avoid the subject with them, knowing I am making myself healthier for them. When I talk to them I find other subjects to talk about. Just rely on other people who support you. Your family will always be there for you when it really counts.

AlexJourneyHall · July 2011

I'm having the same issues. I am determined to reach my goals though, so I just decided to seek support else where.

NuttyBrewnette · July 2011

I have had people ask "are you Still losing weight?" and say "don't lose too much more." as way of anti-support. so I know what you are talking about. I don't know if people are threatened/insecure/insensitive/thoughtless/intentionally trying to sabotage etc....but I just sort of nod and move on. My reasons are my reasons. my goals are my goals. my health, my body. I try to focus more on the supportive people.....or at least the neutral ones. but, in the end, it's me. my decisions, my actions, me.

So, hang in there and keep your focus.

Rhea81 · July 2011

I agree with what everyone else has already said. Misery loves company. Everyone at some point or another not matter how much they love someone is affected by their own insecurities and jealous when they see someone close to them accomplish something they are unable or UNWILLING to actually accomplish for themselves. And, as someone mentioned they may see your success as a reflection of their failure.

You are doing what is best for YOU to live a LONGER, HEALTHIER, HAPPIER life. You can not be faulted for wanting and succeeding at bettering yourself. You can not make them understand if they are unwilling to listen.

The only advice I have to give is simply avoid the topic with those critics in your life. And continue to surround yourself with people that share your goals and support you!! WE ALL DO HERE (even though we don't know you)!!

Attitude is contagious!!! Choose optimism!!!

sweetiebelle · July 2011

My mother in law doesn't say anything about my loss. Either does Grandma. My mom tells
Me im too thin and stop what im doing. Yeap no support their. My husband says I look good! I thank the lord every day for him for giving me.a wonderful husband.

Mallory0418 · July 2011

Thanks so much everyone. I came to the conclusion after that conversation that I would not attempt to talk to her about it again. That was actually the first time I had ever tried talking about my weight loss with ANYONE. I don't know anyone in this are (having moved here recently) so my mom is about the only one I talk to. I guess this is just going to have to be something I keep to myself. In a way, it kind of motivated me to push harder!

Thanks again everyone!

BarbieHier · July 2011

Keep posting here.

)

I recently had to stop talking to my friend about weight loss too...I had to change my whole way of eating, I cut out gluten and wheat because I am gluten sensitive...she kept saying I was on a 'diet' and diets don't work, blah blah and she could never be so restrictive. She cut back on portions and started walking, but has not had a significant loss...maybe in inches. I have been strict because I am committed and have lost 48.5 pounds....but I think she kind of tries to bring me down sometimes, not realizing she's doing it.

Same for my mother in law. I had lost 45 pounds and she didn't even notice or comment...

So yes, I agree, keep this to yourself for the time being...they will just have to get used to a slim you!

karenkwalker · July 2011

Sometimes it forces them to look at their own stuff and they don't want to. So they push for you to change back to the old way of relating - so they can sit where they are and not change and not feel guilty about it or whatever. I have had to pick topics to discuss with people like that and if they are insulting me or discouraging me - I just have a clear boundary that it is off limits for discussion or something like that. Ultimately It doesn't matter what they think - you do for your life what works for you!

fitkyriel · July 2011

I'm sort of dealing with the same thing... except the person who is tired of hearing it is MY HUSBAND! Every time I weigh myself or cook a really healthy dinner he just rolls his eyes and "smiles and nods" He flat out told me he doesn't want me to lose weight, as he is attracted to larger ladies. Oops, did I put that on the internet? He and his whole family are large and my family are five states away so I have anti-support here too. =( The sad thing is, while I do want this to be about me being HEALTHY ... the main reason for getting fit is for a JOB that I want... where I will probably be the one supporting HIM. Lol....

Anti-Support?

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