Anybody have that friend...

purple18194
purple18194 Posts: 52 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have a good friend who has been trying to lose weight for awhile now, and now with the new year, she's feeling really motivated. She looks to me a lot as I've been working hard for a little over a year, seeing a nutritionist, training w weights, and I've had success.

Now, I WANT to help her. I'd love to see her succeed and help her with the same stuff I had to learn and struggle with, but I feel like she just fights me every step of the way. We go to the gym and she can't do half the stuff I suggest bc XYZ, we go out to eat, she asks my suggestions and then picks apart each one and ends up getting what she wants anyway. I give her suggestions of little things to make cutting down on unhealthy things a little easier (for example - when I really crave sweet things, I'll have a spoonful of Cool Whip I keep in the freezer. It's much lower cal than ice cream, satiates the craving, and it's just a bite), she picks my suggestions apart bc "they're so unhealthy" ("too much hydrogenated oil!")

Like I said, I truly want to help her bc I know it means a lot to her and she looks to me in a lot of ways. She's a good friend otherwise - but I don't know how to any more. It's a personal journey of course, but when she's asking what works for me, I tell her what works for ME bc I can speak on those things. I just don't know how to help any more or if I even need to. In actuality, I'm not her trainer and she may just need to work it out for herself

Anyone have experience with this?

Replies

  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    I've never been in your position, but I can imagine it would be quite frustrating. To be honest, I think as much as you want to help your friend, she is going to have to figure this out on her own. If she is not even considering some of the advice you are offering then, I'd stop.
  • novio50
    novio50 Posts: 778 Member
    Been there, when she's ready, she'll stop making excuses as to why she can't won't etc. Be her friend, back off slowly and suggest she get her mind right 1st. Motivation is awesome, but if you're making excuses as to why (and I'm learning this) you might not be as ready as you think you are. Like I said, ease back slowly, do your thing and let her be her. She'll hate you for losing weight, but you won't have to pull her or push her, and hopefully she'll do a little internal growing.
  • shadowloss
    shadowloss Posts: 293 Member
    It sounds like she is putting you in a really bad position. Maybe rather than telling her what worked for you, refer her to the information you used to get results and let her do the same work you did. It might be that it hasn't "clicked" in her mind yet, but if you share your resources, she can read and learn to be successful just like you. Hopefully she will then just use you for suggestions or ideas rather than instruction? If she is a really good friend, be her friend and not her personal trainer. Unless she is paying you of course! Good luck.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    Stop trying to help if she doesn't listen. Wish for the best and then pay attention to your own stuff.

    Honestly, if she asks for suggestions you can just level with her. "You pick apart and criticize every suggestion I make even though you asked me. So I'm going to stop giving them. Now let's go get tacos."
  • Rincewind_1965
    Rincewind_1965 Posts: 639 Member
    edited January 2017
    Just restrict yourself to being the role-model.
    Give her the chance to find her own way and make her own mistakes.
    Nobody likes to be patronized, I know that you don't intend to do it, but just try to imagine how your help might be received on the other end.

    If, and only IF, your friend comes up with a question answer the question. Do not elaborate, just answer the question.
    Be there when she needs a friend, that's what friends are for, not for preventing own experiences.

    Point is: If you don't insist to give (obviously unwanted / unneeded) help the friendship might even survive. If (in case of failure) you don't come around with the "I told ya"-club, that is.
  • Tweaking_Time
    Tweaking_Time Posts: 733 Member
    Your friend will finally (or not) hit that trigger point that will make them finally take the plunge. In the mean time, keep leading by example and continue to answer all questions with the respect that you have been displaying.

    Another idea is to make a really good low-cal meal - but does not look or taste that way - and have your friend over. I have awesome recipes for jambalaya, skillet lasagna, baked turkey, crock-pot sante fe chicken, etc.

    Here is the link for the sante fe chicken...Leave out the rice and it is a crazy delicious soup.
    http://www.skinnytaste.com/crock-pot-santa-fe-chicken-425-pts/

    Message me if any of the other ideas look interesting.
  • LillysMomma09
    LillysMomma09 Posts: 272 Member
    Been there! She even tried MFP but ate all her calories before lunch so she didn't stick to it, it's doesn't allow her to eat enough.. UMM.. THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!
    It's really hard.. I just backed off. If she asks I suggest but other then that I don't say a word and keep doing what I'm doing.
    Good luck to you.. it really is a tough little pickle to figure out.
  • purple18194
    purple18194 Posts: 52 Member
    Tweaking_Time wrote: »

    Here is the link for the sante fe chicken...Leave out the rice and it is a crazy delicious soup.
    http://www.skinnytaste.com/crock-pot-santa-fe-chicken-425-pts/

    Message me if any of the other ideas look interesting.

    gonna have to try this! thanks!
  • DoneWorking
    DoneWorking Posts: 247 Member
    edited January 2017
    My girlfriend does the same thing. When I initially dropped my 61 pounds, though our friends were hoping she would get inspiration from me, I didn't say anything to her about her losing weight. A few times she has asked me about my journey and for some clarifications, but not help directly. I see the errors she makes and why she fails and I'd love to help her, but she's just not there yet and, at our age, never may be. You can't make somebody lose weight any more than you can make somebody quit smoking, quit drinking or stop using drugs; they have to be ready to do it themselves. Bottom line, you can lead a horse to water...
  • bbell1985
    bbell1985 Posts: 4,571 Member
    I'm a pretty straight forward person. Direct and sensitive. The next time she asks for advice I would say "Sure, I could give you advice...but you seem to not really like my ideas."
  • jennypapage
    jennypapage Posts: 489 Member
    you can't help someone who won't help themselves. you can try all you want, it won't work. i would direct her here to mfp, and tell her that she has to put in the work herself,do some reading and start working on her goal. And after that i wouldn't mention it again.

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